E P I G R A P H

❝You're just another chapter in the book,
I can't go on to the next page❞

☾ nine | relapse ☽

The rest of the drive was quiet. His hand was still on my thigh and I felt content for once, I didn't feel so on edge which is a rare experience around Zayden.

He was relaxed and so was I. I wasn't internally counting down the minutes before he explodes on me again with some ridiculous accusation.

He isn't always such a douche surprisingly, don't get me wrong his natural state of being is rude, but there is the occasional time when he is nice. It's usually when no one else is around us and he doesn't have to worry about his reputation or the way he looks or appears to others.

I like him, I do. Or maybe I just like the thought of him. But he is a good person, deep deep down. If he wasn't so worried about the way people perceive all the time. .maybe, just maybe, he would be a nicer human.

I try to understand him because he's had a lot of abandonment issues in his life since he was young. His dad, like my mother, cheated and left him, his little sister and his mom to fend for themselves. He was their only source of income and security, but he left because he no longer wanted the responsibility of having a family.

His mom is a recovering addict and his sister truly looks up to him, he's the only stable-normal person she's ever known. His little sister is named Kiah, I've met her a handful of times and she's a good kid, he's brought her up well. She's very polite and mature for her age.

I guess his situation is very similar to Mason's in a way.

Everyone is going through something in Moonvale, I haven't heard of one person whom lives a normal life with no problems. I guess this place is just a colony for problematic people that need to escape.

"Halo?" Zayden's voice sounded, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I looked around, realising we were parked outside of my house, "Sorry." I murmured, "Um, thanks for the ride."

He nodded, biting his lip, "Wait. . .Hals?"

"Yeah?" I replied as I held my bag on my lap, the door open as I awaited to get out.

"Do you think I could come in for a bit?" he said nervously.

I internally sighed, but nodded anyways. It's not that I necessarily don't want him to come over, I'm just exhausted and don't have the energy to hold company or a conversation right now.

I exited the car at the same time he did. He pressed the button on his keys to lock the car before following me to the front door.

I fetched my keys out of my bag before unlocking the door, stepping inside waiting for Zayden to enter before gently closing the door behind him, immediately spotting my brother in the exact same place he was yesterday, on the couch with a blanket whilst he watched the flat screen television in front of him with complete concentration.

As always, we greeted each other, he and Zayden pretty much ignored each others existence before we stomped up the stairs and to the first door on the left was my bedroom.

I opened the door before dropped my bag and literally sprinting over to my bed and jumping on top of it, immediately snuggling into the covers.

Zayden chuckled before kicking his shoes off and planting himself down next to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me flush against his chest as he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

I squirmed slightly under his hold, my eyes darting down to my wrists. I almost gasped when I saw them. You know when you leave a hair tie on your wrist for too long and it leaves that red band around your wrist? Yeah, well it looked like that on both wrists except it was purple.

It's so strange that the person whom has me enveloped in a tight hug right now was able to do that to me. I guess it really is the people closest to you who hurt you the most.

"Hals?" he repeated.

I hummed in response, "Hmm?"

"Mom she-she um. ."

I turned around instantly, worried by the tone he was using. He sounded shaky and worried. I wrapped my arms around his waist, intertwining my legs with his as I stared up at his sad filled expression.

His brown eyes glistened with salty tears as he squinted his eyes shut in attempt to restrict the waterworks that was about to happen.

"What happened, Zayden?" I sighed, reaching up to hold his face with my hands.

He inhaled sharply, "She had a. . she had-um, she had a relapse last night."

My eyes widened, "Oh, god. Zayden, I'm so sorry." I sympathised, placing a soft kiss on his quivering lips.

He sniffled allowing me to drown him in kisses and attention.

I felt horrible suddenly, I felt completely guilty for being so snappy with him today when he was only upset that his mother had a relapse after being sober for so long. It must be hard.

"What happened?" I asked warily.

I wasn't trying to pry, but I wanted to know if Zayden and Kiah were okay and safe as well as his mother, obviously she isn't but I needed to know she's in proper, safe care.

He shook his head, "I don't know. . I got home from picking Kiah up from Marley's house and she was unconscious on the floor."

I pouted. Marley is Kiah's best friend as I've been told. I feel so extremely sorry for the eight year old for having to come home from her first day of school to find her mother (probably) pale and lifeless on the floor.

"It's okay," I smiled weakly, "If you don't feel comfortable there, you're always welcome here. Okay?" I said sincerely.

He nodded, a small smile on his lips as he pressed his lips to mine, "Thank you, baby." He said, "I don't deserve you."

Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't deserve me completely, I am nothing great, but I do more for him then anyone has. I help him with homework, if he's behind in class he knows I'll make up for whatever work he has.

If he's upset, I am always his shoulder to cry on and I forever put him first, but I know my place and I know when I need myself more than he does and that's when I step back for a moment. Regardless, everyone needs someone.

Someone to run too when they're upset. Everyone needs a person to hold the weight of their sadness when it gets too much. I'm that person for a lot of people. I'm that person for my dad, I am that person for Max, I was that person for my mother.

I am an empath. I take on others problems and make them my own. I guess it's just my way of burying my own sorrows under other peoples.

I was pulled out of my own agonizing thoughts when I felt Zayden's lips on my neck, that was when I realised, he was now on top of me with his shirt off.

I coughed, "What're you doing?"

He chuckled, "What does it look like?" he smirked before continuing his assault on my neck.

I scoffed, placing my palms against his chest in attempt to push him off but it was no use.

"Hals, stop it." He scowled, "I'm just touching you."

I gulped loudly, trying to relax my body but I was stiff, completely stiff. Probably like the thing between Zayden's legs which is painfully poking my thigh.

I laid there like a starfish whilst he placed wet, sloppy kisses on my neck before he made his way up to my jaw then to my lips where he crashed his against mine, slipping his tongue into my mouth.

This isn't necessarily new with us. We've kissed-a lot. But that doesn't mean we've done anything else, I'm not ready for that yet. Not with him, I just can't.

As he continued to make out with me, I allowed my eyes to flutter shut as I relaxed into the kiss, that was until his hand was placed on my waist before sliding up my side which instantly sent me into a fit because it tickled immensely.

I squealed loudly, accidentally bitting his lip.

He pulled away, pinching his bottom lip between his fingers as he stared down at me in disgust and anger, his face contorting with pain.

"What the fuck, Halo?" he barked.

My cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I bit my bottom lip nervously. It's not my fault I am extremely ticklish, he's dragging his fingertips up my side, what does he expect?

"Sorry," I apologised.

He groaned, "Whatever."

I didn't have a moment to reply before his lips were back on mine once again, but this time he completely avoided my waist, instead he settled for my lower hip, near my thigh. Finally, he pulled his lips away from mine, moving down slightly to place a kiss against my midriff which caused my entire body to tense up once again.

My stomach churned and I felt my body physically rejecting his touch the way the skin rejects ink after getting too many tattoos. It made me feel ill to the pit of my stomach.

My anxiety grew and his touch began to make me feel dirty, I couldn't bare his touch any longer, it was repulsive and desperate, not in a wanting or needy way, in a disgusting way.

His touch wasn't like Everest's touch. It wasn't soft and gentle; it wasn't love filled and well-intentioned. Ever was always careful with me, gentle like I was one of those expensive china ornaments his mother collects.

Zayden is sloppy, surprisingly inexperienced and cocky.

God, I wish he never left. I wish he was still here touching me instead of Zayden. I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it. I like Zayden, I most certainty do not love him I just care for him. I just wish I could feel the touch that left me breathless, the touch that caused so much love to burn through my veins.

Zayden's touch was bitter. Ever's was sweet.

"Hals, baby." I recall Everest murmuring against my neck, "Do you like it when I kiss you like this?"

I remember nodding vastly, so fast I didn't need to need to think about it the slightest before his lips were on my neck, nibbling at my sensitive skin, leaving his love bites behind.

"Ever. . w-why does it feel s-so good?" I remember asking innocently.

At that point I had no idea. Not a clue as to what the friction between a pair of loving lips and a bare neck could cause. I was fourteen at this point and I felt so lucky the quarterback was in my bed, with his hands and lips all over me.

He made me feel special, like a work of art. Too bad that art piece was destroyed after his death.

He chuckled in response, the sound which used to turn my insides to moosh was now barely memorable, not by choice, the sound of his laughter and his voice has just seemed to fade with time. I'd kill to hear that heavenly sound in person again.

He paused his assault to stare at me with his deep hazel eyes, "Because it just does, baby."

The way he always said 'baby' always made my stomach erupt with butterflies. It felt like they were flapping their wings against the exterior of my belly making me nervous.

"I love you, Lo." He expressed.

That was the first time he had ever confessed that he loved me.

We were on my bed, bodies tangled with each other's, eyes connected and hands on each other. I recollect the way my heart began to beat rapidly against my ribcage or the way my lips parting into a toothy grin at his words because I had loved him for long before he expressed it to me, I was just waiting for him to say it first.

"I love you too, Ever." I murmured.

My eyes widened as the words slipped from my mouth, literally. I said, "I love you too, Ever." Out loud whilst my boyfriend is in the middle of trying to turn me on, failing immensely but still trying.

I slapped my hand over my mouth instantly. I shouldn't have let myself go down that path to memory lane, it always leaves me in a mess. Usually it's a sad mess, not a troubled mess.

Please don't hear, please don't hear. I chanted.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Zayden screeched.

I kept my hand over my mouth, I was frozen in place. I can't believe myself. . .I can't believe I just let those words slip from my lips.

No no no.

I shook my head, "It was an accident!" I defended myself.

He stood up immediately, getting off the bed as he shuffled around, throwing his shirt on and almost tripping as he attempted to put his shoes back on at a fast pace.

I hobbled out of bed, flattening out of my skirt and running a hand through my unruly hair before rushing to his side, placing my hands around his forearm in attempt to stop him from leaving but he ripped his arm out of my grasp immediately.

"You're sick, Halo." He said in disgust.

I flinched at his words, chewing on the inside of my cheek as he stared at me like I was a monster.

I shook my head, I'm not. "I didn't mean too, Zayden." I expressed.

He snorted, "You were thinking about him while I was touching you." He stated.

"Can you blame me?" I shouted, "He was my boyfriend, Zayden. I can't just forget about him."

Even though sometimes I wish I could.

"You can try." He spat before opening the door and leaving.

I didn't chase after him. I didn't want too, maybe it would have been the right thing to do but I just couldn't so instead I slammed my door shut and walked over to the nook in my wall, sitting on the cushion clad seat as I stared out the window, watching as he furiously got into his car before driving off at an illegal speed.

I hugged my knees to my chest, sighing shakily as I watched the grey cloud form outside. It's definitely going to storm tomorrow.

I love storms.

I can't believe what just happened. It was my fault for inviting those thoughts about Everest in whilst I am with my boyfriend but sometimes, I don't openly invite them, they just take over unwelcomely.

It's not fair. He didn't have to react that way. . .he needs to understand that he is there always. Ever will always be a part of my heart, he'll always be at the back of my mind, whether that's now or ten years from now. Death isn't something easily forgotten.

The death of a family member or a friend is frequently talked about, but I rarely hear about the loss of a boyfriend or a girlfriend-a lover.

I'm telling you now, it's so unbelievably painful.

He's so confusing. This morning he was screaming at me, accusing me of cheating and skipping school with Holt, then he asked to come inside and proceeded to tell me about his mother then he's yelling once again and boom, he's gone.

I-for some stupid reason-like Zayden, but I can't keep going in circles. It's tiring and pointless. It's a complete waste of time.

After half an hour, I finally pulled myself off the bench like seat mounted into the wall before walking over to my dresser and grabbing my sketch book and pencils off the top before returning to my original spot.

This is the only way I know how to drain the sadness out of me. Drawing takes me away from reality for a while, whilst I concentrate on drawing for a few hours-or however long it takes me-then I feel okay again. I don't like being sad, this always helps me get back to myself again.

I opened the book, skipping through a few pages until I found a free page and I folded the book over. I hovered the pencil over the paper as I stared at the clouds outside, trying to think of something to draw.

Nothing came to mind, so I just drew. I let my creativity take over as I drew, and I hadn't noticed what I was drawing. I just kept going and before I knew it, it was dark, and I was no longer able to see anymore, I could faintly see the outline due to the moonlight illuminating the charcoal traces but that was all, it's okay though, because I'm officially finished.

I stared at the art piece in front of me and I was shocked by what I saw.

It was two eyes. The orbs were beautiful, perfectly round and I had coloured them the lightest colour of grey, I even used a white pen to draw in the reflective parts of his orbs. I was proud of the intricate detailing involved within the orbs. They were cold and metallic like silver. The sclerae that surrounded them were pristine, untouched by red.

The picture was so realistic, I almost forgot that I drew it.

The colour wasn't dull like the colour of concrete but the grey of the ocean an instant before dawn's first rays strike the water.

And that's when I realised whom the stormy grey orbs, I just drew belonged too.

They were Holt's.

Hiiii my favourite people ♥

Second chapter in a row I hope you like it, I know Zayden's annoying and I'm ready for the comments haha. Let me know what you think and what you'd like to see next 💗

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See you next time, I love you.