07 | max

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E P I G R A P H

Your eyes. Your eyes hold everything
my soul thirsts for.

seven | max

We hopped in the car and drove in pure silence.

My confidence seemed to evaporate around him today and I found myself feeling insecure. He looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher, it made me nervous. I feel like he was analysing my every movement-my every word, judging me.

I'm sure I was doing the same with him. Observing him, analysing him like he was a foreign object.

But I guess in a way he was-is.

He's the twin of my ex-boyfriend.

It is so abnormal, it feels just so unfamiliar yet so mundane at the same time. It was confusing, I don't like confusing.

I didn't have to see him for long to know that he's absolutely nothing like his brother. I've always noticed this because he has always been around, but spending (somewhat) one-on-one time today, made me realise how different they truly are.

It's weird being in the same car as someone who is shares the same DNA as my ex-boyfriend. It's almost. . .unsettling yet comfortable.

Like I said, confusing.

Ever died two years ago, when I was fifteen years old and it was a lot to take in at such an early age. Ever and I got together at the age of thirteen, I think I was almost fourteen and I was so young, so inexperienced.

A boyfriend at that age for such a long time was a big deal for me. Obviously, we didn't have sex, I know a lot of people do it underage which is fine, but I wanted to wait until I was sixteen minimum so I knew I was developed and mature enough.

In other words, I didn't want to do something that I would later on regret.

I remember being so exited to give myself to him eventually. Who am I kidding, I was a boy obsessed teenager, I recall laying in bed every night thinking of going to prom with him which, at the time was years away still.

I am glad that I never gave my virginity to him. I don't know how I would bare the thought of giving such an intimate part of myself to someone whom is unfortunately no longer.

I wouldn't be able to sleep with someone ever again if I did, it'd be a horrid reminder.

But, it's not any better that I didn't sleep with him because now, when the day finally does come that I give myself to someone, I might be sick knowing I was unable to save myself for him.

"You alright?" Holt's husky voice sounded, pulling me out of the nightmare that is my own mind.

I scoffed, keeping my eyes directed at the scenery flying by outside of the window at a fast pace, so fast every tree blurred into a ragged blob of emerald and it was hard to perceive each tree individually.

I nodded, "Yeah, I am fine."

I wasn't fine. I never really am fine, and I hate to admit that because I don't like being sad or vulnerable, it makes me feel weak and that's my least favourite emotion.

But I've learned that it is okay to feel this way. It happens sometimes.

I just get triggered sometimes and I end up drowning in my thoughts, which often leaves me gasping for air, a breath of fresh air.

That's another feeling I hate. I hate feeling like I'm sinking, near hitting rock bottom because I'm not too good at treading water, I can't swim.

"You're a bad liar." He said in a monotone voice, followed by a chuckle.

I snapped my head to face him, staring at him with a neutral expression as he focused on the road. His face showed complete concentration.

"What?"

He bit his bottom lip, his hands clenching around the steering wheel, causing a strike of veins to shoot up both his arms, the ink of his tattoos rising whilst the bare arm just looked muscular and naked compared to the opposing arm.

He stopped at a red light, turning to face me briefly, "You're not fine."

I snorted, "I am too."

"Are not," he teased.

"Are too!"

He laughed, "What are you? Eight?"

I nodded, a tight smile on my lips, "Eight and a half, actually." I stated, watching as he rolled his eyes, trying to prevent the smile which was clearly begging to take place on his lips.

"Proves my point," he muttered under his breath.

I raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

He shook his head, removing one hand from the steering wheel to run a hand through his silky hair.

"Where do you live?"

I was confused for a second before realising he obviously doesn't know where I live considering that night, we never actually made it home, we were too busy crying in the waiting room. Well I didn't cry, surprisingly. I wanted to, but I couldn't physically let the tears out, I was too busy fighting between reality and dreamland.

Now I think of it, Holt didn't shed a single tear. Though, that's probably just his ego talking.

"Oh, uhm you can just drop me off at the park just past the school."

He flicked the indicator before turning down a side street, "I asked you where you live."

I tensed, "Why does it matter? I'm saving you gas."

He clenched his hands around the wheel, "Halo," he seethed, "I'm not dropping you off at the park, just give me your fucking address."

Unlike when Zayden speaks to me, I flinched. Zayden I am not afraid of, not the slightest. But Holt on the other hand, he's scary. I don't know if it is because of his stone cold eyes or the scowl on his lips, or his harsh tone. Or all of the above.

"Ask nicely and I might tell you." I pushed.

Suddenly, the car came to a holt (no pun intended) as he pulled up on the side of the road, so vast and harsh that if it weren't for my seatbelt, then I would have injured myself.

My eyes were wide as he unclicked his belt so he could lean forward to stare at me with angered expression.

"I'm not playing, Halo." He said, his nostrils flaring, "Something could happen to you."

Realisation hit me and suddenly a heavy feeling of guilt weighed down on my stomach making me feel nauseous.

I sighed, gulping loudly, "Twenty-two blue street."

He narrowed his eyes at me, one hand placed on the steering wheel to hold him in place whilst the other was on top of the centre console, merely inches away from my arm which made me feel uneasy.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" he rolled his eyes.

I plastered a tight, fake smile to my lips in which he also returned with a fake smile.

"No, Holt. It wasn't hard at all," I said sarcastically, "All you had to do was tell me that you care about me and my safety, and I would've obliged immediately."

He inhaled sharply, scoffing before continuing to drive in the direction of my house, "I don't care about you."

Ouch.

"Then why do you insist on driving me all the way home?" I asked.

I don't know how I had the confidence to continue pushing because in all honesty, he scares the living day lights out of me. I guess I'm hoping to find humour somewhere behind that scowl of his.

"Oh, please." He said emotionlessly, "I just don't want to be the one who gets in trouble if you get kidnapped or murdered."

Ouch times two.

I snorted, "How kind of you." I said sarcastically, "Asshole."

Surprisingly that somehow tugged a smile at his lips which was a sight for sure but now I was the one in a grumpy mood.

I've been out all day and I just want to be enveloped by my blankets in my bed.

He continued to drive and thankfully our bickering was over with, leaving me with nothing but my thoughts once again.

I realised that what happened today wasn't okay, and I think he realised that too. I had fun, he snapped a lot, but it was good to not have to stay at school for six hours and be stuck with Zayden, but that doesn't mean I wasn't consumed by guilt still, I think I've just learnt to supress it since it follows me wherever I go.

It's just worse with Holt.

Today I buried the guilt deep down, unknowingly. But now we're going home, and the day is coming to an end. Everest is still gone, being around his brother without him is wrong and tomorrow must still come, I have to get up and continue, I have to be around Zayden.

Tonight, I will fall asleep on the bed Ever once cradled me to sleep on. Tomorrow I will wake up and see my boyfriend whom will definitely yell at me for skipping school. I will get called out by Alix for not being there for the team and I will pass Holt in the halls just like I had every day since the first year of high school.

And just like every other day, I won't dare to look at him because it hurts too much.

It's so unfortunate that the death of my ex-lover has to be tied to someone whom did nothing to hurt me. It just ravels me further down the hole of endless guilt.

He's a good person.

"Halo?"

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I noticed he had pulled up on the side of the road and we were in front of my house.

I unbuckled my seatbelt, opening the door before sliding out of the car, about to exit the car when I then realised, I still had his jacket on.

I tugged it off of my body swiftly before holding it out to him, kneeling down so I could see him through the dark lighting, "Oh, here's your jacket."

He shook his head, "Keep it."

"But it's-"

"Hals, please. Just keep it."

I scoffed, nodding, "Okay. . ." I whispered, "Well thanks for the ride."

He nodded, not seeming interested as I slammed the door shut, cradling his jacket in my arms as I walked up the straight path that leads from the sidewalk to my front patio.

My house is okay, I guess. Definitely not as nice as the Stone residents' house, but it isn't horrible.

It is a two-story house with off-white panelling and a few windows with white trimming and a garage on the left of my house with a driveway, that garage is only occupied by dad's car, my brother doesn't drive.

I walked up the front two steps to my house before twisting the door and entering my house.

As always, it was vacant except for my brother laying on the couch watching Breaking Bad with a fluffy blanket wrapped around him as he had a coffee placed on the wooden coffee table in front of him.

He sat up slightly to look up at me, "Oh, shit." He murmured, pausing Netflix quickly, "Hi, Loey."

With most siblings you can't actually tell they're related. That isn't relevant in this case because Max and I look alike. We both have almost black hair, though mine has caramel streaks and we both share the same honey like eyes and olive complexion.

My sister is a different story though. Kristel looks nothing like Max and I, aside from our skin colour. She has green eyes like my mom, which I am extremely envious of, and she also got my mothers blonde hair which I only got a spec of.

My father is African-American, and my mother is American with a German background, so my brother and I got most of my dads side and ethnicity whereas Kristel got moms.

I smiled, "Hi, Maxy."

We've always called each other that; Maxy and Loey. Since we were able to speak. I don't really know how it came about, it's all we've ever called each other since I can remember.

I believe I called him Maxy first because his name is Maxen, obviously. But he had more of a struggle coming up with one similar because my name isn't the most common. So, he used the "Lo" in my name to his advantage and then Loey was born.

"How was school?"

My eyes went wide, and I felt my face beginning to heat up, "Great." I said cheerfully.

He nodded, "That's good." He replied, "Dad's at Aubrey's house, there's pizza in the fridge."

I nodded, groaning before heading up stairs. Max continued to watch his show as I entered my lovely room.

Dad is barely home anymore because he is rather at his current girlfriend; Aubrey's house or he is working.

He's a CEO of "Lunar industries," which is the "up-coming business in behind the Cosmoon magazine!"

In my words, it is a business which revolves around a magazine called Cosmoon where they talk about celebrities, gossip and etcetera. I don't personally read magazines, there is nothing wrong with them, but I'd just rather use social media, though there is a large population of people whom do read it in Moonvale.

Anyway, back to the point. My father is rarely home because he is too busy burying himself between his secretary, Aubrey's legs since my mom left so, he gave me what used to be his room.

It's large which is nice, and it has patio too, which I often go out on at night and stare at the stars.

My walls are pastel blue, they came that way which is fine because it is my favourite colour, plus it is so pale it almost looks white.

On the far right wall I have my bed pressed against the other wall. My bed is covered in blankets. I think there is a good four or five blankets on there and more pillows than I need.

To the right of my bed is my second favourite part of my room. It's a nook in the wall where I can sit and obviously it has a huge window which gives me a clear view of my street, I draw a lot here. I can't draw anywhere else.

On the wall in front of me is nothing but two glass doors which lead out onto the decent sized patio, my drawings covering the spare wall space on either side of the door. There is definitely over a hundred drawings pinned to that wall and some aren't too good, but I don't mind. It makes the room feel more like mine, it's more personalised.

I guess it is just my attempt of feeling like I belong here. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I always have this absent feeling inside of me. I feel like a ghost. I can control my body, but I don't feel. Home doesn't feel like home; school doesn't feel like school. It's a horrible feeling and it's the most difficult thing to feel and explain.

I think it's my bodies way of mourning Ever's touch. It leaves me feeling like an alien. I think my body just needs something it doesn't and can't or won't ever have.

Anyway. . .on the left wall is a door, leading to my snug bathroom and next to that door is a floor-length mirror and my plain white dresser. Unfortunately, I do not have a television in my room, but I have a laptop for that.

I tossed Holt's jacket on the edge of my bed, sighing in relief as I finally was able to take off my cheer uniform and get into comfortable, warm clothes.

I stripped off every single item of clothing except for my underwear before walking over to my dresser and pulling on a grey pair of sweatpants and a baggy hoodie before tossing my curls up into a bun on the top of my head.

I needed a shower, but I was so tired, regardless of the fact that it is only early, and I haven't had dinner, but I feel as though I haven't slept in days.

I flopped on top of my bed before crawling under the covers and resting my head against my grey pillows, pulling my teddy bear to my chest. Yeah, yeah. I know I am seventeen and I cuddle a teddy bear to sleep still.

It's soft and I think Mr cookie is great company.

I got him when I was six from a thrift shop. He smelt like cookies, hence the name. I have never been able to bear (get it) with getting rid of him because he resinates from such a happy, simple time in my life. I feel like he's the last happy thing from my past.

If mom never left, things would still be okay.

My mother cheated on my dad, which in all honesty, I think impacted me the most. Max didn't really seem to care because he hates my dad, which is too long of a story to explain why.

Kristel lives with her two children, Jax and Nova, so she wasn't in the midst of it. She was upset but she has children and adulthood to distract her.

But I was here every day, always somehow getting involved because both parents would vent to me about the opposing parent then holding my words against me when it came to a fight, it put a lot of pressure on me which they didn't care enough to realise.

Max and dad have always fought a lot because Max is a college dropout, he is twenty-two, and he's only ever had one job which lasted a year then he quit. He then got involved with the wrong people and got into weed which then developed an addiction and then he developed an addiction to cigarettes too, but he doesn't have the money to feed that addiction so he sold a lot of small, minor items around the house without either dad or I noticing, but eventually dad indeed notice that his two-thousand dollar watch from his grandad was missing out of his safe.

That is when it all started.

They fight badly. Max swears and dad has to hold himself back from beating him. It's scary.

But then the next day they will act like they're best friends, but it never lasts long.

Mom was always the one to break them up and defuse the situation, but she's gone now so whenever they fight, I cry, and I hide it my room crying. Then I swipe each tear away, walk down the stairs and tell dad to calm down and tell Max to walk it off.

Ha, I make it sound a lot easier than it actually is.

Max is hard to explain. He is manipulative, careless, selfish and mean yet he can be the nicest person you'll ever meet, and he can be so caring at the same time. I think that is due to his depression and bi-polar which he has to take medication for, but it doesn't always do the best job.

Kristel isn't as close with Max as I am, but they make small talk.

In other words, I have a dysfunctional family.

That's enough thinking for tonight.

Hi hi hi hiiiiiiii I'm so annoying sorry

Okay so this is a day early but I had to publish today because I was too lazy to go to school and I had time and I have assignments to do tomorrow so yeah.

I hope you liked this chapter. There will be further chapters about Halo and her family, the next will be more about her friends ♥

Anyways please press the star & vote, follow me and comment and let me know what you thought about this chapter 🚀

Okay love you all, byee xo

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