End.

Two Months Later...

In John 14:6 it was stated by Jesus, "I am the way, the truth, & the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Here today I follow his path going his way to his truth for my life. Today I accept him. I come to him.
-Z.D.

As the months passed and summer progressed a lot of changes were being made to my life. I've made some mistakes, but one thing I realized was I can't live in the past. I shouldn't let my past sins dictate how my future goes. I will not live the rest of my life feeling like I have to pay for my past sins. Instead I recognize them, ask for forgiveness, and move forward.

One thing that has stuck in my head was when D'Anthony said to me, This is God's timing and it's never wrong. Because you don't know God, you don't know the blessing he's trying to put in your life.. He was 100% right. He might have been talking about our relationship, but it can also be applied to my life right now. Everything happening is God's timing. D'Anthony and I breaking up, Markel getting killed, and even me getting pregnant. They're blessings in disguise.

I look at my belly now that I'm 5 months pregnant. I tried my best to cover it with my large dress as I sit in church on this Sunday morning in late July. I've been going to church every Sunday since summer started at this church new Howard since the one on campus is closed during summer. I originally started going to church with D'Anthony and I just continued.

I've been caught in between returning back to Islam because they also offer Jummah services or becoming a Christian. At this point in my life I just don't see myself being Muslim. There's nothing wrong with it. I grew up Muslim. I just feel like it's too strict of a religion for me and my life at this current point. Religion is something I've been struggling with for the past year and now I've finally found it. I would make it solidified today because I'm getting baptized.

When it was time I quietly up going to the back. I wasn't the only one who signed up to get baptized this Sunday. I changed into the white outfits they gave everyone. To me the white signified us being reborn and pure.

I don't think I thought this whole makeup and hair thing through while I was getting ready this morning. I mean, my makeup is water proof but would it survive an intense dunk? I just wanted to look cute for pictures, but this wasn't looking like a good idea. I was hoping and praying my hair survives. At least it's a sew in and not a wig. Imagine being lowered into the water, but when you come back up your bald headed and it's floating in the water.

I was just glad I had a great support system. Brayden came with me while Nubia and Sahara came to be here. Brayden and I have been slowly but surely working on our relationship. I can see myself being with him, but I'm not rushing. It'll happen if it's supposed to. If we do end up together I don't care who has anything to say about it.

It's not like I'm out here on some Tariq Nasheed bs calling black women who sleep with white men bed wenches. I'm pro-black, but I've never been anti-white. I've been anti-racism. Brayden isn't like that. I know I'll get some negativity, but at this point I've stopped caring. It's not about people, but my happiness.

When it was my turn to be baptized I closed my eyes tightly. It seemed like everything bad thing that happened in my life played like a movie reel in fast forward from my Dad going to jail, being bullied, learning my Dad was dead, being sexually assaulted by the soccer team, my first heart break with my ex, Jesse, Markel being killed by the cop, D'Anthony breaking up with me, then lastly me crying when I found out I was pregnant.

As I was submerged into the water I keep my eyes closed tightly and hold my breath. And just like that the memories were washed away and they disappeared. It wasn't a feeling of being drowned, but being cleansed. When I was let back up I caught my breath opening my eyes then wiping my face. When I looked in the crowd and saw people clapping I scanned the room. I smiled when I saw Brayden, Nubia and Sahara.

...

After drying off and changing back into the clothes I came in I go to the church entrance area where Brayden is waiting for me. As we walk he puts his arm around my shoulder saying, "You the only person I know who will wear a full face of makeup to get baptized and come out of it looking good." I chuckle as he uses his thumb to wipe something on my face. "Anybody else their whole face would have been sliding off."

"Now you know me better than that. I know how to make makeup last through anything. Let somebody try and take me swimming on the first date."

"Who taking you on a date? That ain't happening." I laugh at how serious he gets. "You ain't going on a date with my child in your belly. My baby gon' snitch anyway," he says rubbing my belly.

I laugh as we walk out of the building out to the church parking lot. When I see Nubia and Sahara waiting by Brayden's car I rush to them. I open my arms then pull them in so I can hug both of them. "Thank you for coming."

"Girl, we couldn't miss this. The evil, heartless heifa getting saved? I never thought I'd see the day," Sahara says making me smack my lips.

"You talking, but you need to get saved too." Sahara just shrugs. She grew up Muslim too, but once she came to college she pretty much left it behind. A lot of times people just practice the religion their parents did. You either continue as an adult or you don't.

When I see Sahara and Nubia's eyes following something I turn to look. They're both looking at Brayden who's walking to get in his car. "I'ma wait in the car while y'all talk," he says while opening the door. I nod my head watching as gets in his yellow truck.

Sahara and Nubia both turn to me. I smile nervously saying, "What?"

"Y'all gonna get in a relationship or not?" Sahara asks being straight forward.

"We're working on it." They both roll their eyes.

"That boy loves you. He always has. Just give him a chance. You're already having his baby. Why not?" Nubia asks as if it's obvious.

"Everybody isn't you, Nubia. It isn't just a non brainer to be with the person you're pregnant by. You and Israel had history," I say looking at Nubia's belly that just looks like a pooch. Nubia went from thinking about getting back with Israel a couple of months ago to now being 3 months pregnant by him. "What is that you said? That's a no from me dawg. No babies round here," I say mocking her voice as she frowns her face up.

Me and Sahara laugh as Nubia glares at me. "Get up out my face bitch!" She says throwing her hand up in my face.

"We are in the church parking lot, ma'am," I say in shock.

"We're at least 300 feet from his domain. God knows my heart," Nubia rebuttals

"Y'all are going to be the reason I go to hell."

"We don't have anything to do with where you end up. Don't blame it on us. We all sinners, honey!" Nubia says snapping.

"I don't have time for y'all. Let's just put it on record that you two ruined our senior year of college, not me!" Sahara says pointing at both me and Nubia. I might've ruined this year, but it's all on y'all next year since you guys decided to get pregnant."

"Decided?" Nubia and I say in unison. "Girl, I didn't decide nothin'. The sperm decided to attach, not me," I say matter of factly.

"It be ya own eggs!" Nubia says as we laugh exchanging a hand slap.

Sahara laughs then says, "At least I'm going to be an auntie and God mommy." When Brayden honks his horn we all jump. He gives me a look basically telling me to hurry up. We had somehow turned into the Black Mom's who took too long talking after church.

"Let me go. We still have to finish packing up my apartment." They both say alright then we hug before they walk off together. I get into Brayden's car putting the gift bag I got from the church onto the floor in between my legs. I put my seatbelt on then he pulls off.

As he's driving I decide to open my gift. The pastor gave everyone getting baptized a gift. I pull what's in the bad out to see something wrapped. I rip the paper wrapped around the rectangular object wondering what it is. When I get it completely uncovered I just pause and stare at it in my lap. "What is it?" Brayden asks as I just stare at it.

"A God Box," I finally answer as I run my finger across the top. This one was a little more fancier than the one D'Anthony gave me since it had a clasp to close it shut.

This is exactly what I needed. A new one. A new God Box, so I can start over. Start clean. The last one was a gift from D'Anthony and most of the notes I put in it had to do with him. Now it's time to start asking God for something else, something more. This was my chance to start a new phase in my God Box...in life.

It's been two months since I moved to California and I honestly have mixed feelings about it. My job is good with good pay and benefits. They gave me a company car that happens to be an Audi. The first two months they had me living in a nice ass hotel that they paid for and now I'm finally moving into my apartment.

The only negative is probably that I'm pretty lonely. I made friends from work, but it isn't the same. It's not the same as being with Israel, Gideon, and my other college friends everyday. It didn't help I was one of the only few Black people at our firm. White people are...different. Outside of work I haven't met anybody. People in L.A. just a little too fake and weird for me.

"That shit clean as fuck!" My cousin, Israel says as I flip the camera from my car back to myself as we're on FaceTime. Israel and I talk damn near everyday. If not we still play video games together and talk on the headset all the way across the country. Israel will always be my best friend. He's more than a cousin and more like an older brother. "Needa ship that shit to D.C. and let me borrow it."

"Nigga, the amount you making at your new job you could buy this shit off me in full with no payments," I say hitting the button to open the trunk. I make good money, but Israel makes great money as a computer engineer.

I look at the few boxes in my trunk. When I moved out here I didn't really bring that much but clothes and stuff I really needed. Some of the furniture I bought was being delivered as I speak. While I bring in the few boxes I have left in my car they're taking it up to my apartment.

"You forgetting I have student loans to pay off? I make a lot, but its gotta go somewhere. Those two degrees aren't gonna pay for themselves. You lucky you don't have any student loans."

"You're right." I could agree on that. School is so expensive nowadays you're lucky to walk away not owing a single penny.

"Plus, with this baby on the way my pockets are about to be hurting," he adds with a sigh. He quickly shifts from sad to happy. You could tell Israel was stressed, but he was still happy about becoming a father. That smile told it all. I couldn't be him though. One thing I was glad about is that I walked out of college not getting anybody pregnant. I'm not the least bit ready to have kids. Not at 22 and fresh out of college.

"How are you and Nubia?" I ask leaning against my car. I might as well chill until we finish our conversation. I knew Israel and Nubia would get back together, so it was no surprise. It was a surprise when he told me she's pregnant.

"We good. Once her lease is up in August we're moving in together."

"You ready for all'at bro. That's 24/7 shit. No getting space by going to your own place because you live together."

"I gotta get ready. No point in us living apart when we're having a baby. I don't wanna say the baby saved our relationship because that's never the answer. It did something though." He stops and I wait to see what he's going to say.

He looks like he's going to say something so I ask, "What?"

"Nothing. Babies are just blessings even if they're unplanned."

"Yeah," I say rubbing my chin. I knew that wasn't what he was going to say, but I let it be.

"She definitely got pregnant the night of the Block Party. Makeup sex ain't no joke. Especially when you're both off the Henny. Pullout game said oops." I bust out laughing at his stupidity.

"The Block Party?" I question.

"Oh, you left early. Me and her talked. Then later that night we met up and boom here we are!"

I chuckle. "Man, you dumb. As long as I got my niece or nephew coming I don't care how it happened. Hopefully this will satisfy my Dad for a good while and he'll stop asking me for grandkids."

"Nephew. It's a boy. At least I hope and pray it is cause I can't raise a girl. That's too much."

"All the hearts you've broken and all the hoing you've done, it'll be a girl."

He hisses. "I hope not. I'ma be out here beating little nigga's asses."

I laugh then ask, "Have you seen Gideon lately?"

"Seen? No. You know he's been on tour with Shy Glizzy all summer. I talk to him though. I'm proud of the little nigga too. I was worried about him for a second."

"Yeah, me too, especially the whole situation with Sahara."

I never condone abuse or hitting a female. Yes, women can provoke me (I'm not saying that happened), but men should have self control. It's not secret Gideon has anger issues. I never even knew that was going on with him and Sahara. Not until maybe after we graduated when someone brought the information to me as gossip. I asked Gideon myself if it was true and he admitted it. It made sense because he was acting totally different during that time. He told me he went to anger management and therapy, so I couldn't be mad at him.

I was glad he saw the error in his ways and was actively trying to get help. Even though we're all young we still have demons. Gideon had a lot himself with his mother and father. His mother tried her hardest to tear him down. Now it is up to Gideon to make sure he heals, so he won't spew the same hate his mother showed him into the world. That's something I need to do too.

I look at the time on my Apple Watch. I had been standing out in this Cali heat talking on the phone with Israel for almost an hour when I needed to be taking these boxes inside. "Ay, I gotta go. I'ma talk to you later."

"Aight, get online tonight," he says referring to playing video games.

"I got you." We hang up then I slide my phone into my pocket grabbing the first box out of my trunk. I shut it then make my way inside my building. When I see the elevator door closing while I'm walking towards it I yell for the person inside to hold it. Any other time I wouldn't care and just wait for the next one, but this box is heavy. Just when I think the doors are about to close, they open back up.

"Thank you," I say walking onto the elevator occupied by a light skin girl with curly hair who looks to be around my age. She's pretty and I like her style, I think to myself getting a glance of her.

"No problem. What floor?" She asks. I look at the buttons for the floors seeing the one for mine already lit up.

"Same as you, I guess." The doors shut and I sit the box on the elevator floor. I live on the 15th floor, so I have some time to rest my arms.

"Are you the one who moved in across the hall from me?" The girl asks after 10 seconds of silence. I look over at her to see she's looking at me. She has very light freckles that dance across her nose that has a diamond stud in it.

"Uhh, I think. Apartment 1503?" I ask.

"Yeah, I'm 1502 directly across from you." She extends her hand then says, "Kiyanna, but just call me Yanna."

I shake her hand responding, "D'Anthony."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too..." We're both still holding onto one another's hand then we finally let go as she chuckles.

"You're not from Cali, are you?"

"No, the DMV area. D.C., Maryland, Virginia, depending on how I'm feeling that's where I'm from. I'm from all of them if you ask me."

"So what you doin' on the west side?"

"I got a job working for an architecture firm out here."

"Niicee," she says nodding her head and sticking her lip out in an approving way. "Well, if you ever need any help with anything or just need a friend since you're new to town I'm a hall away. Just knock, neighbor," she says as the elevator doors open.

"I'll keep that in mind," I say bending down to grab my box. She gives me a smile then steps off of the elevator first. I follow and we both go in the same direction towards our apartments. She's goes to her door and I go to mine. I look over my shoulder as she's unlocking her door getting a look. I walk into my apartment because the door was already unlocked for the people bringing my furniture in.

When I walk in I see they already brought up and setup my couch. I sit the box on my kitchen counter looking at it to see it's labeled miscellaneous. I decide to grab some scissors and open it by running the scissors down the taped part. I open the box and on the very top is my God Box. I haven't put anything in it since I moved out here because it's been in this box. I open the top then pull out the last note I put in there. I unfold it then read the checklist I made after graduating.

Keep the Faith Checklist:

1. Get closer to God
2. Go to church more often
3. Get closer to myself
4. Find true & genuine