46: Rough Soul

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Ch. 46


I take a paddle brush running it through the wig on my head to brush the wand curls I just did to make them looser. I drape it perfectly over my shoulders looking at myself in the mirror. It might be all in my head, but I swore my face was already getting fat. I put lipgloss on then I walk out into my bedroom trying to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear.

"Can you hurry up?!" I hear being yelled from my living room.

"I'm coming!" I yell back. When Nubia comes into my room I look at her outfit then mine. "Do I look pregnant in this?" I say turning to the side letting Nubia look at my outfit.

"No, you just look a little fat," she says bluntly. My mouth falls open so she says, "Not fat. Just like you have a pudge. A skinny girl gut. You look fine though. Pick some shoes, so we can go. I don't wanna get there too late then it's crowded."

"Vans or sandals," I ask holding up each pair. Before she can answer I look down at my feet saying, "On second thought... I HAVE to wear closed toed shoes. My toes ain't done."

"Yeah, keep those dogs locked up in the cage until you take them to the groomer," Nubia says looking at my feet too. I couldn't help but laugh even if the joke was at my expense.

"Don't do me. You know I keep my nails and toes done. I've been too busy. I hope this block party doesn't turn out like last year," I say as I sit on my bed to put my Old Skool Vans on.

"I hope so too. The D.C. police always wanna shut shit down. At least do it after I've eaten and I'm drunk." I chuckle as I stand up. I grab my purse then Nubia and I leave my apartment going out to Nubia's car. The Block Party is at H Street, so it's not too far. Since Sahara lives close to it she said she would walk there and meet us when we get there.

After about a ten minute drive and ten more minutes of trying to find parking we arrive at the Block Party. D.C. is the worst when it comes to parking with all the rules. There were people there, but you could tell it wasn't even a quarter of who was going to show up. Black people always running late or waiting to show up once they know it's live and jumping.

As soon as we got there I had to get some food from the many stations that are set up. It's lunch time and my stomach was growling. "Are you serious right now?" Nubia asks looking at me with disgust.

"What? It's good," I say crunching on a pickle.

"You just dipped your pickle in your slushie. That's nasty as hell!"

"Don't knock it 'til you try it. I'm pregnant, let me be great. You know what you need to try? Buttered popcorn on top of a Vanilla Sundae. So good. Perfect mixture of salty and sweet."

"Nasty!" She says with the same disgusted look. "So are you going to tell me how Brayden reacted when you told him the big news?"

I shrug. "He was happy surprisingly. Very happy. It threw me off a bit. It's like he didn't think about the fact that we're still in college and that this is a big deal. A big responsibility financially and as a whole."

"I mean, I'm sure he is. At the same time he's probably thinking what other option is there, but to be happy and realize it's a blessing. It's too late for abortions and what not."

"I know. I just feel like he thinks this means we're going to be together. That we'll be one big, happy family."

"So, you don't want to be with him?"

"I don't know. I know I'm not going to be with him just because we're having a child together. I just need to work on myself first before I get in another relationship. I just have to figure things out." I sigh beginning to think. Some may say the steps of figuring things out are what you do before you have a child with someone. Things don't always go your way. "I want to be with him. That's something I've been fighting for a long time. People judging me for being with a White guy when I'm so pro-black. We'll see what the future holds. I'm not saying no like I was before just because he's not Black."

"I get it. At the end of the day you have to do whatever will benefit the baby. If it doesn't work then it doesn't. Just make sure you're making the decision for yourself and the child. Not anybody else. Not Brayden, people around Howard, your Mom, your judgmental family, none of them."

"Exactly," I say nodding my head in agreement as I dip my Dill pickle into my blue raspberry slushie again. Nubia fake gags making me say, "Then don't look, bitch! Where is Sahara?" I ask looking around as if she's already here.

"Let me call her," Nubia suggest as we sit at a table outside one of the restaurant on H Street. I could tell the block party was going to be fun this year as long as no one fights or the police don't shut it down. There's a stage for performers, music, and plenty of stations with different foods that are free. It was the perfect way to wrap the 2016-2017 school year for Howard students.

While Nubia's on the phone with Sahara I just look around and observe. People were slowly but surely starting to show up. Nubia gets off of the phone saying, "The girl is still getting dressed. She hasn't even left the house yet. Let's go over there." Nubia points at a crowd, so we get up making our way over there.

The closer we get I can hear the loud voices, the music, and the sound of engines. I already knew what was going on. Dirt Bikes and ATV's. As we get closer I can see a couple of dudes on bikes doing tricks through the people standing around. I slightly roll my eyes. I had no problem with them, but that's just the fastest way to get your event shut down. ATV's and dirt bikes are popular in D.C., just not with the police. Every summer people pull 'em back out and ride them down the streets, but now the police are cracking down on it.

Of course Nubia's rude ass was pushing through people trying to get to the front. Her petite self was shoving people with no remorse causing people to mean mug, smack lips, and grumble insults. As she lead the way I apologized to people. I didn't care about seeing and being in the front that bad. All their doing is popping wheelies and riding in circles.

Where almost to the front when I notice D'Anthony in the front row with a girl beside him. I glance at them as Nubia grabs onto my arm dragging me because I'm apparently moving too slow...

You know when you see some shit and you can't even get mad, but you still do deep down? This was the case. It just made me think about the girl he was at the bar with and who he slept with when we broke up. She was white or Hispanic. I don't even know. Now he's with some light skin girl with curly hair.

It felt like all my "work" was for nothing and went to waste. Or that I was right all along about the fact I was a one time thing and that he would be right back to dating his usual type. It also made me think about what Markel told me from the beginning... "All that's going to do is make him hate black women even more. You'll be the dark skin, black girl who broke his heart." Even though me and D'Anthony seemed to end amicably, did he really hate me deep down? Did I skew his thoughts on all dark skin, black chicks?

Could I really be mad? Just like he hopped in the bed of girl who's racially ambiguous when we broke up, I hopped in the bed of a white boys. The same white boy I've gone back and forth with throughout me and D'Anthony's situation from the start. The same white boy I'm currently pregnant by.

I was probably thinking too much into this. It could just be some chick he met today at the Block Party. Who knows. It's not my business anymore.

"Let's go this way," Nubia says steering us in the opposite direction of the way she was going. If she would've kept going straight we would've ended up standing right beside D'Anthony, the girl with him, and Israel. "Did you see that?" Nubia asks when we finally get to the front.

"Yup," I say sighing.

"She wasn't cuter than you," Nubia tries to reassure me.

I chuckle. "We couldn't even see her face. All we saw was the back of her head."

"And from the back of her head I could tell she wasn't that cute." She leans forward then looks over in the direction that there in. I didn't even wanna look. I hit her arm to get her to stop staring. "Her profile ain't that cute either. She look like a basic ass light skin girl with curly hair. I swear they all come out of the same mold. I don't get it."

"You don't get what?"

"Why dudes hype them up so much. They'll date a million chicks that all look the same just to avoid dating dark skin girls."

"I mean, yeah. A lot of them look the same. They can't really help it, I guess. As long as they don't have a superior attitude you can't really judge them. This baby," I say pointing at my belly. "Is most likely going to look like the typical mixed child. It's my job just to make sure my child doesn't think they're better than people with a darker skin complexion just because they're light skin. I'll also teach them about light skin privilege and colorism, so they don't disregard it and act like it's not a real thing."

"And for that you're going to be a good mother," she says holding her hand up. I hold my hand up to hers as we both wiggle our fingers with a light laugh.

When the music that's playing through the speakers stops some people get all in an uproar. That doesn't last long when a live band starts playing. The band plays GoGo music as a singer sings a cover to a song. I can't help but laugh at Nubia who's holding up her red plastic cup filled with alcohol dancing like somebodies drunk auntie. "This joint crank!" She says trying to put an accent on, but it was a complete fail.

I laugh harder saying, "Girl, if you don't go on somewhere. You from Cali."

"Okay? And? I've lived here in D.C. for the past 3 years. I've fucked and sucked a couple of D.C. niggas too. I'm basically a DMV native, moe."

"Noo," I say pointing at her. "Speaking of this location conversation...Are you going to move back to California when you graduate? I'ma really be upset if I got close to you these past couple of years only for you to leave me."

She shrugs. "Who knows. It's where ever I get a job at." Before I can reply I widen my eyes when I see Israel coming our way. I discreetly nudge Nubia as I hear her suck her teeth.

When he approaches us saying, "Hey, Zi. Hey, Nubia," I smile looking from him to her. As much as they wanted to front that they didn't miss each other it was clear that they did.

"Hey, Izzy," I say waving at him. Of course because D'Anthony and I broke up, we didn't talk anymore. That's his cousin. We just said hi and that was about it.

He gives me a small smile then turns back towards Nubia who didn't bother to greet him. "Can we talk?" He asks her.

Nubia looks over at me as if he asked me. "You mind?"

"Not at all. Go ahead."

"I'll be back," she says before walking off with him. I knew she wouldn't be back. At least not for awhile, so I decide to go back to the food. Thy would either end up arguing or fucking: I was going to get that ice-cream with popcorn like I talked about. While I wait in the line for the ice-cream my phone starts ringing. As I pull it out of my purse I'm expecting it to be Sahara saying she's here and asking where I'm at. I look at the screen as it says Baby Fava🀰🏾 meaning it's Brayden.

I hit answer saying, "Wassup?"

"You at the Howard Block Party?" He asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm close by. I was wondering if we could talk. You mind that.."

"Uh, no, I don't mind." I look around as if someone's watching me then say, "Meet me on the block away from the block party where everyone is parking. It's crowded and a lot of people, so it'll be difficult to find each other." He says alright then I hang out. Truthfully I didn't want anyone to see us together so soon when me and D'Anthony just officially broke up.

After getting my ice cream I stand in the line for popcorn when I hear a female voice from behind me. "Rah digga. Haven't talked to you in awhile." I knew that annoying voice from anywhere.

"Sydney," I say turning around giving her a fake smile.

"Where have you been? You've been MIA. You're definitely not as active as you used to be." She wasn't lying. I've more so been putting more time and energy into the NAACP rather than my Delta duties. Plus, the first few months of my pregnancy I've been really tired, so I've been sleeping a lot.

"I've been busy lately. You know, doing a lot of work for NAACP towards Markel's cause. Speaking and organizing events. You might have seen me on tv," I say with a sly smile.

"I think I did see that. I guess no one told you the camera adds ten pounds." She pauses looking me up and down. "Then again it might not have been the cameras. I heard you're pregnant.."

I furrow my brows asking, "Where'd you hear that?" The only people who know are my family, Brayden, Sahara, and Nubia.

"Rumor I heard. If it's true, congrats to you and D'Anthony, I guess. I didn't think you two would last. I guess I was wrong. Have a good summer," she says walking away. I grit my teeth huffing to myself. I was just glad I didn't have to deal with her anymore because she graduated. The girl is crazy. She basically tried to break me and D'Anthony up because I 'stole' Jesse from her. She can be satisfied now because I'm not with either of them.

After getting my ice-cream and popcorn I walk around the block looking for Brayden's car. I see him sitting in his silver Infiniti with the door open waiting for me. As soon as I stop in front of him he looks up..

He smiles then he rubs my belly saying things in a soft voice. I smile faintly realizing this is really real. I'm having his baby. I step back so he can stand up from sitting in his car. He stands over me then he wraps his arms around me to give me a hug and I just sigh deeply letting the warmth of his body consume me. Every question I've had lately seemed to go away for just a quick second.

One thing I can say about Brayden is that I know he cares about me. Even when we were just fucking and I couldn't and didn't want to take him serious, he still tried. For some reason he let me walk in and out of his life whenever I wanted to. As insecure and broken as I am, I know that I have something about me that makes guys like me. There's something I possess and it's time I stop using it negatively to hurt men. It's time I use this feminine energy to live fully.

I wouldn't exactly say me and Brayden are now a couple. I told him I'm pregnant and he was happy. I was just glad I wasn't having a baby by a guy who would abandon his child and didn't want to take responsibility. We may end up in a relationship or we may just co-parent. Who knows right now. Right at this moment we're just trying to come to terms with how our lives will be changing. In 6 months we'll be parents. It was crazy just to think that.

I just want to be happy and healthy. All I know is that I don't want to be with someone just because we're having a child together. Brayden and I will take it slow and eventually figure things out. That's all we can do right now.

"I know you don't have popcorn on your ice-cream like it's sprinkles or some shit," he says as I scoop some up putting it in my mouth.

"Yes. Try it before you talk shit," I say taking another scoop extending the spoon to him. I wanted him to grab it himself, but instead he just lowered his head a little licking it off of the spoon.

He smacks as he tastes it then nods hid head in approval. "Ain't so bad."

"See. Now what'd you want to talk about?"

"I know you said you wanted to think about it all and that you need time. I'm fine with that. I just wanted to let you know that I went looking for apartments today, so I'm going to be moving out of the dorms before summer is over. I know you have your own studio apartment, but I thought I would let you know in case-"

"In case I want to move in with you?" I ask finishing his sentence as I raise my eyebrows.

"I mean, yeah. I was already going to get a two bedroom anyway. I know that's going from one extreme to another, but I'm just thinking about everything. Once the baby is born it's going to be a lot if we're living apart. You're apartment isn't exactly that big. Plus, I want to help as much as I can."

I sigh, "I get what you're saying. If we live together it will be easier for you to help with the baby. But you already know, I want to take things slow. I know we only have 5 months before the baby is here and everything changes. I just don't want to jump into long-term commitments. You know I'm working on myself."

I've started counseling and I still go to church every Sunday. I was originally only going to church as an agreement I made with D'Anthony in order to work on our relationship, but I ended up liking it. It's helping with my healing.

"And I'm glad you are. I think it's good. I fully support it. I just want you to think about the stuff we've talked about."

"I will...I am."

"Thank you," he says smiling a little. He leans down kissing my forehead making me close my eyes. He backs up from me saying, "I'll let you get back to the block party."

"Actually-" I pause looking behind me then back at him. "Can you take me to my apartment real quick? There's something I need to do."

He doesn't question what it is that I need to do. He just says okay. He opens the passenger door for me then I get in his car. He get in the driver seat then we leave going back to my apartment. When we get there he goes straight for the

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