45: Only One

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Ch. 45

As quoted by Nikita Gill, "She wears strength & darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell." If that doesn't describe me than I don't know what does. I am strong because I have endured the worst. I am not only dark in complexion, but in spirit. My soul is clouded by the dark sometimes making it hard for me to see my flaws. Today is the day I say I will not let the traumatic situations I've been in, define me.
-Z.D.

The spring semester has ended for me after taking my last final yesterday bringing the 2016-2017 school year to a close. I wouldn't exactly say my junior year was a success, but it definitely came with a lot of teachable moments. Some would say regrets, but I learned a lesson in the end. I took all of my finals which allowed for me to now relax and enjoy summer for the next two months.

Others may be excited for summer because that means drinking, partying, and late nights. That's not exactly on my schedule after finding out some news that may cripple that.

Today I had a busy day. I drove home to Baltimore, Maryland, because two of my younger sisters are going to their junior prom. I did their makeup and hair. My sisters who are twins are now 17 years old making them young women. Sapphira and Zemira were everything I wanted to be at that age. Both confident and beautiful. I was proud of the women they're becoming. They both have jobs and paid for everything including their dresses while also being straight A students.

We're at the house of one of my sister's friends, so they can all get ready and leave together. I guess they call it a prom send-off. After finishing my sister's hair she stands up from the chair. "You ready?" I ask her as she looks at her phone and I make sure every hair is in perfect place.

"Everybody's ready to take pictures outside," one of the girl's mother says peeking her head into the bathroom.

"We're coming," I tell her. Looking at my sisters I wish I would have went to prom when I was in high school. Nobody asked me, so I just didn't go. Plus, I'm sure we wouldn't have had the money to go all out like this. "How come you don't have a date?" I ask my sister as we walk out of the bathroom.

"Because niggas ain't shit," she says bluntly making me laugh.

"I'm not going to argue with that one."

"You and that guy are really done?" She asks. I just nod my head not really wanting to speak on it. You know it's over when they come get their stuff from your place and all the pictures on Instagram get deleted. I just had to accept it because I wasn't going to beg him to be with me since he's sure he doesn't want to.

I look at the ring he gave me on Valentine's Day that's still on my finger. He didn't ask for it back and I didn't offer to give it back. It was like we both forgot about it. It had become a part of me almost. I wear it everyday. When I wake up I put it on and I only take it off when I'm washing dishes, showering, or sleeping.

"Make sure you lift up your dress, so you don't step on it or drag it," I tell my sister as we go down the stairs. She does what I said as we reach the bottom of the stairs. "Wait, let me take a picture of you by the stairs," I say as she stops at the last step. I step back as I unlock my phone going to the camera. "Give a little dramatic look down, so you can kind of see the makeup I did," I instruct. She chuckles then does it. "Yess! Titties looking good!" I hype up as I take the picture...

After taking some pictures of her we go outside where all the people who are going to prom are taking pictures with their date or as a group. Sapphira goes to join as I go to the side with all the family. Pretty much all of my family was here like it was a graduation or a birthday celebration except my sister, Ziya, but that's expected. Other than that my mom, all of my sisters, and my Aunt Rama are here. My Aunt Rama was letting my sisters use her G-Wagon to go to prom instead of renting a car, so that means she's riding back with me to D.C.

I walk over to my Aunt Rama who's taking pictures with her phone. Sapphira and Zemira's friend and her family clearly had some money. I could tell by their house, the snacks they had for everyone, the red carpet, and the professional camera man they hired. They went all out.

"Have you told her yet?" My Aunt Rama asks quietly as my eyes land on my mother who's by my two youngest sisters, Safiya and Zina. Zina is only 12, but she's starting to fill-out with her pre-teen shape. Safiya on the other hand is 14 and super slim. Between the 7 of us we all came in different shapes and sizes. We had different hair textures whether kinky, curly, straight, or silky. We had similar features, but the common factor between us all is our dark skin from our father.

"Not yet. I don't know if I should tell her alone or with other people around," I say quietly as if my mother is close and can hear us.

"I say tell her with at least one other person around so she doesn't go off on you. You know she will." I know that for a fact.

"Yeah. Maybeee that person could be you," I say with a slight smile as if enticing her.

"I don't think so. If she knows you told me before her...Your mother barely likes me. Quite frankly I think she's a little jealous of me and Amina. She was jealous of how close me and your father were. How he left me money to start my business. Then jealous of our close relationship with you since you're her first born."

I shrug because that's not my business. "Maybe, but please. I don't want to tell her alone."

"Tell her in the car on the way home. She's stuck in the car, so she's forced to listen and talk about it."

"Alrightt," I drag out hoping this doesn't backfire.

"Did you figure it out?.." She asks being vague, but I know exactly what she means.

"Nearly three months. Not D'Anthony's... Another guy."

"You sure?" She asks looking over at me with furrowed eyebrows.

I nod my head. "D'Anthony and I haven't done anything since we broke up in March." I hear my aunt sigh.

"I'll be back. I want to get a picture of Zemira." She nods her head then I walk away approaching my sister and her boyfriend. They looked so cute wearing their African dress with pride...

"Y'all so cute! Let me get a picture," I say as I hold my phone up and they pose. Zemira has been with her boyfriend, Abdala since they were in middle school. They were the epitome of high school sweethearts. If my teenage sister can be in a healthy, stable relationship for years in high school then there's no excuse for me.

"Y'all look so good," I say looking at the pictures. They both come over to me looking at the pictures.

"Send those to me," my sister says.

"Me too. Mira, looking all beautiful with that smile," Abdala says making both me and my sister smile. You would've thought he said it to me the way I smiled. They're so cute. One thing I'll give African men is that they love them some Black women, especially ones with a darker complexion. I don't know if it's just the culture or learned behavior, but they're better about it than African American men.

Sapphira comes over to us saying, "It's time to go. Y'all ready?"

"Yeah, get the keys to Aunt Rama's car from her," Zemira says to Sapphira.

Sapphira walks away then I say, "I want you guys to be safe tonight. I'm not saying it about drinking or doing drugs. I'm talking about safe sex..wrap it up. You–"

Zemira cuts me off with wide eyes. "Oh, no! We're not talking about this."

"I'm just telling you guys. We don't need any accidental babies in high school."

"Got it," Zemira says giving me a thumbs up with an awkward smile as Abdala laughs nervously.

"Have fun!" I say hugging Zemira. I hug Sapphira too before they get in the car. In the driveway there was nothing but a bunch of nice ass cars lined up. They were either rentals or the family actually owned them. They still go to private school, so a lot of their friends come from wealthy families.

Once all of the kids leave everyone else does too. I'm now driving my car that is occupied by my aunt, mom, and two sisters as I drive back to my Mom's house. It's quiet except the radio. My Aunt Rama clears her throat every once in awhile from the passenger seat trying to get me to tell my mom. "Tell her," she grumbles under her breath as we sit at a red light. I widen my eyes at her to say to quit rushing me. I look in my rearview mirror where I can see my Mom's head as she sits in the backseat behind me.

I turn the radio down to where it can barely be heard. "Hey!" My sister, Safiya says because she was singing along to the song.

"Hold on, Fiya," I say holding my hand up. "Mama," I say to get her attention.

"Aiwa," she says in Sudanese Arabic which means yes.

"I have something I need to tell you..."

I pause making her say, "go on," as if she's impatient.

"I, I, um–" I already start tripping on my words out of nervousness. Then I had to think about the fact I'm an adult, so she can't get too mad. At least I hope she won't. "I am pregnant," I finally say.

"Ooh," I can hear my two little sisters say under their breath. I was waiting for my mother to start yelling or hitting me from the backseat, but she didn't. She was quiet.

"Walahi?" She says which means really. She was more calm than I expected her to be as she looks out of the window.

"Yes," I say unsure of what was to come next. I look at my Aunt Rama who just shrugs.

"Kaef," which means okay. Okay? I think to myself. When the light turns green I hit the gas to go. "I knew. Your father's Aunt, Binata, she was telling everyone. Gossiping. I knew it was true when I saw you today."

"Ana asif," I say to say I'm sorry.

"Why are you sorry to me? Be sorry for yourself having a child out of wedlock before finishing school and getting a good job. You young people just have sex and babies with anybody. I had children younger than you, but I was married." She goes on saying stuff under her breath in Arabic.

"Aamira," my Aunt Rama calls my Mom's name to make her stop.

"Bizmillah, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into. Just finish school and be able to take care of the baby. You've been taking care of people your whole life, so this is no different, right? I just hope you plan on being with the father and getting married. Don't shame the family." I didn't know about all that, I think to myself. "You have one more year of school. What will you do? I hope you won't quit when you're almost done," she adds on.

"No, I did the math. I'll have the baby in November or December, so that's around Thanksgiving or Christmas break. The perfect time. Aunt Rama and Amina said they'll help me while I finish that last semester."

"Good because I can't help you. I'm done taking care of babies. You're on your own." I don't know why that kind of hurt my feelings when she said that. I pull up in front of my mother's house parking the car. She's the first one to get out and head straight for the front door. She wasn't as mad as I thought she would be. She seemed more disappointed than anything.

I sigh taking my key out of the ignition then take my seatbelt off before getting out. My Aunt Rama comes over to me rubbing my shoulder. "It's okay. Once it settles in she'll be happy about it. She just has to warm to the idea. She's going to be a happy grandma. Watch!"

"I hope," I say twisting up my lip to fight back crying. I was tired of crying and I wasn't letting one tear fall from my eyes today.

The day I took that test and it came back positive I was a wreck. Not only from the results, but D'Anthony basically breaking up with me. I immediately went to my Aunt's house and told her. I didn't know what I was going to do. My first thought was to get an abortion. I sat and thought on it. I setup a doctors appointment hoping that maybe it was a false positive. It didn't work out that way because I was definitely pregnant.

I was more pregnant than I thought I was. It only made sense because I hadn't had sex for nearly three months meaning I was almost 12 weeks. That also means the father of the baby had to be the last person I had sex with and that was Brayden. Me and D'Anthony haven't had sex since we broke up. We were trying to work on our relationship without using sex to make things better.

I didn't even know if I wanted D'Anthony to be the father. He broke-up with me and had a good job lined up in California. I didn't want to put a hold on his life. I think this worked out for the best. He deserves to move on with his life and pursue his dreams. Me and a baby would just hold him back.

Did I necessarily want Brayden to be the father either? No. I much rather be having a child with someone I'm actually in a relationship with. I didn't even know if I wanted to have a bi-racial child at all. Shit, I didn't know if I wanted to have a child right now period. I just have to take responsibility for my irresponsible moments.

Honestly, I think I knew I was pregnant but I was trying to ignore it. I saw that I had a small pooch, but I dismissed it as me gaining weight. I had one instance of being sick and I dismissed that by saying I'm stressed from finals.

I look at the time then say to my Aunt, "We should probably get on the road."

"You're not going to stay a couple of days?" My sister, Safiya asks me as I look at her.

The one thing I always wanted to be was a good example for all of my younger sisters. Yet here I am pregnant at 21 as a college student. I just wanted to make my family proud of me.

"No, I have to get back to D.C. I'm giving a speech at one of the graduation ceremonies on behalf of Markel tomorrow morning. I'll be back soon though or you guys can come to D.C. Ask Aunt Rama if you can stay at her house then we can go to Kings Dominion or something." She nods her head as I hug her. I hug my youngest sister, Zina, then we leave.

I know I'm not the only one who goes through the things I do, but sometimes it feels like it... Sometimes I feel alone.


The next morning...

I sit in the crowd of the auditorium waiting on the graduation ceremony for the division of Fine Arts to start. Literally two hours ago I had walked across this same stage with the College of Engineering, Architecture and Computer Sciences getting my degree. Now I was on the opposite end about to watch Gideon do the same. Israel graduated with the Graduate School on Thursday. Israel sits next to me along with some of our other Kappa brothers.

We didn't just come to see Gideon walk the stage. We also came because they're giving Markel a tribute. Markel was only a sophomore, but they wanted to celebrate him by giving him a cap, gown, and diploma to his parents since he'll never be able to do it.

Walking across the stage and graduating college is a big accomplishment, especially in the Black community. Some may deem degrees worthless and a waste of money these days, but it's more than a piece of paper. Black people weren't always given the right to get an education, so now that we can we should take advantage of that. I did it to make my father and brother proud. Now that I've actually done it, I've made myself proud as well. I was now the holder of a bachelors degree in architect. Something that's supposed to take 5 years, I did it in 4 years. I did it all while not owing anybody money in the end too.

Once the ceremony starts everyone cheers when the person they came for crosses the stage. I cheered for every person I knew. "Gideon Demetrius D'almeida," the announcer says as all the Kappa's stand up and cheer loudly. Gideon walks across the stage throwing up the Kappa Alpha Psi hand symbol.

...

They get through all the graduates then the announcer says, "Before you all move your tassels and throw your caps in celebration of your accomplishment, we would like to take a moment for one of our students. This student was only a sophomore and class of 2019, but we want to honor him. In January, Markel Scott was killed by a police officer. A college student, a black man with a bright future. He is what we mean when he say Black Lives Matter. Before we give his diploma to his mother and father, let's listen to his friend and a Howard student speak on his behalf. Zipporah Diop," he says clapping as she walks on the stage.

She wears a black dress with a black blazer and heels with her hair in a bun. She

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