Ch. 41

This year has had many ups and downs. It's a miracle that I've been able to keep sane. Sometimes I get down, sometimes I fall into depression, and sometimes I want to give up. The one thing that has been a blessing is the man in my life. I never would've thought I would be saying that considering the way my junior year started. I was bitter & filled with hate. Black Love is a beautiful thing. Happy Valentine's Day!
-Z.D.

After finishing my classes for the day, I walk across the Howard campus heading towards the Blackburn center. Seemingly everything has went back to normal. Back to how I expected it to be. After a couple of weeks the talk and commotion about Markel's killing had become nothing, but whispers to eventually silence. The only people that still seemed to be yelling at the top of their lungs were the people that actually knew him. After all it was our job to make everyone aware. Just because he was now buried didn't mean he should be forgotten. We still had Markel's killer, Darryl Smith's, trial to get through.

As I walk down the sidewalk I listen to Kojo Funds through my headphones mouthing the words to Warning. When I see Nubia and Sahara walking together towards me in the opposite direction we all just smile and wave at one another and keep walking. I talked to Nubia everyday like always whether that was seeing her in person, texting, talking on the phone, or Facetiming. It was Sahara who I haven't really talked to. I went so long without talking to her that when I finally texted her she seemed uninterested. You would've thought it has been months, when it's only been a couple of weeks.

From talking to Nubia she says they barely talk and hang out too, so I was surprised to see them together, but I know they have a class together. Nubia says Sahara hangs with these other two girls a lot and she parties with them every weekend. Me, Nubia, and Sahara used to party together, but not every weekend. That's a bit much. We would much rather hang out just us three at one of our apartments. Maybe that was how Sahara was choosing to cope with Markel's death. That's why I tried to reach out to her, but I got no response. Nubia even said Sahara is talking to Gideon again for the millionth time. I had no words on that matter. I was over it, honestly.

In the shortest time period everything changed. I never knew it would be like this when the school year started in the fall. It was nothing like I pictured it. Me, Nubia, and Sahara were gonna be closer than ever taking on our junior year of college together. That included having as much fun as possible while still focusing on school, which meant paying these niggas dust. It was supposed to be hard on these niggas 2017. Year of the Savage as we proclaimed it. As soon as the clock hit midnight for the new year, all that went out the window. Since we came to Howard we've spent every Valentine's day together. There was no mention of our annual sip and gossip Vday tradition known to others as Galentine's day. I have D'Anthony, Nubia has Israel, and I guess Sahara has Gideon.

Once I get to the floor the NAACP room is on I walk down the hall looking for the room. When I get to it, I stop at the door that's open then walk in. In the room is a couple of people sitting at the tables just talking. I decided to accept Yara's invitation to join and help their efforts. They seemed to be one of the only organizations on campus that actually cared besides maybe the Kappa's since Markel was apart of it.

Throughout the weeks, me and Yara have been exchanging texts and coordinating what to do next for the organization. That's what I was doing today. When I walk in I look around the room for her. I spot her curly hair as she sits at the table. She turns around sending a smile my way making me smile back...

I walk over towards her taking the seat next to her. "You made it," she says as I take my backpack off sitting it on the floor.

It was hard for me to get to the meetings or just seeing her in person to talk because I was so busy. I still had class, homework, work, Delta duties, and the school newspaper. I ended up getting fired from my job at Ulta because I just wasn't going in on my scheduled days. It was fine because I could just do freelance makeup and hair like I was. Since my Mom got a job some of the financial responsibilities were lifted off of my shoulders, so I didn't need the job at Sephora. I hated all of my co-workers anyway.

"Yeah, sorry about the hold up. I've been busy trying to catch up on my school work from missing class. You know.."

"I understand. I'm glad you finally came."

"Is there a meeting today?" I ask looking around the room.

"Yeah, but not for another hour. If you have things to do you don't have to stay. I'm just glad you came through. I can break down everything we have coming up just between us."

"Oh, no. It's fine. I'll stick around. I don't have anything to do."

Yara takes that as her chance to begin telling me about everything the Howard NAACP chapter has planned and ways I could help. I honestly only told Yara I would join the organization because she's so nice. I didn't really have time for all of this, but I would try as much as I could. As long as they're doing things to bring awareness to Markel it's the least I could do.

Out of nowhere Yara says, "You know I noticed you haven't been hanging with Sahara." I unintentionally look at her sideways because I wasn't expecting that. "Not trying to intrude, just an observation. You two and that other girl were inseparable. What'd they call you guys? The Godiva Girls," she says chuckling.

I chuckled a little too shaking my head at the same time. "I hated that fucking nickname, but I would kill for someone to call us that now."

"You guys aren't friends anymore? I hope it has nothing to do with you hanging out with me."

"Oh, no. Not that. I'm pretty sure Sahara's not trippin' over us hanging out. It's not like y'all are enemies or beefing. That would be stupid after everything that has happened. It's bigger than that...or smaller than that. I honestly don't know what's going on between us. I think it's my fault to be honest. I've been distant as hell," I explain.

"Oh, man. I guess I can understand. What happened was traumatic. You all saw your friend get shot and now he's dead. This is the time you guys should be leaning on one another-"

"But we're not. We're pushing each other down instead and we're not even trying. It's just one big blame game. It's not right, but we're blaming each other. I'm blaming Sahara subconsciously. I think Sahara blamed herself and even Gideon. Then I also blame myself."

"Why?" Yara asks with furrowed brows.

"Because I introduced Markel to Sahara. When he asked me to at first I said no because I knew if it didn't work out it would be weird for me. They were both my best friends. Low and behold it didn't work. I didn't know Sahara would cheat on him." I didn't really care about telling Yara all of this. If you knew the right people you knew about all of this already. People still gossip and are still messy in college. "I didn't know it would become this fatal love triangle."

"That's the thing..You didn't know. You can't blame yourself for that. If Markel asked you to introduce him to Sahara he had his eye on her. If you wouldn't have, he would've talked to her himself. Everything happens and sometimes it can't be stopped because it's fate. The only person that should be blamed is Darryl Smith. He's the one who needs to be held accountable. Not you, not Gideon, not Sahara, and damn sure not Markel."

I look at her taking in her words. "Thank you."

"No problem," she says rubbing my arm with a small smile.

...

Hours had past and I didn't even realize it. After the weekly NAACP meeting we decided to go get lunch as a group. I honestly didn't think it would take so long. Before I knew it hours had past. "Shit," I mumble looking at the time as I get in my car. It slightly slipped my mind that today is Valentine's Day. I was so used to not being in a relationship I forgot. D'Anthony made plans for us and I should've been at my apartment ready to go right at this moment.

I look at my phone that I had on silent to see missed calls and text messages from D'Anthony.

I make the short drive from campus to my apartment. I knew he was already here when I saw his car parked in the parking lot of my building. Apart of life going back to normal was that D'Anthony and I saw each other less. We went from being up under each other as much as we could, which was basically 24/7, to maybe once a week. It was apart of being busy, college students. We both understood that, but I know he's going to be mad that I'm late.

Once I get to my floor I use my key to unlock my apartment door. I walk in about to flick the light on out of habit, but it's already on. Sitting in the living room is D'Anthony. He doesn't look too happy as he sits on the couch staring at the tv. I glance at the bouquet of blue hydrangeas in a vase on my dining table along with gift bags. I look at the balloons that hang up high held down by a weight immediately feeling bad. I was at least an hour late. "Sorry, I'm late," I say hanging my purse on the hook near the door.

"You should be sorry. We missed our reservation," he says with clear anger in his voice.

"Really?"

"Yeah. The lady that works there says if we get there within an hour she can maybe still get us a table. So..."

"It won't take me long to change. I swear!"

"Mhm," he says sucking his teeth long and hard as he flicks through the channels. I knew D'Anthony was going to be upset for a good while because that's just him. He likes to drag out his anger to make me feel worse than I already do.

I rush past the living room going to my bedroom. All I needed to do was change clothes really quickly. My makeup was least done and I all I had to do was take my hair that's in a ponytail down. Hopefully I didn't ruin the night.

Instead of spending my Valentine's Day with Nubia and Zipporah like I usually do, I had to find something else to do. They both are in a relationships now, so it's not the same as it used to be. After talking to Gideon at the repass  following Markel's funeral once again he and I were back on good terms. Like high school, Gideon and I were back and forth. Some may say it's dysfunctional or even toxic. I was apprehensive about even giving him any attention. I felt bad about it because I still had Markel in my heart.

I thought long and hard when Gideon asked me to go out to dinner with him on Valentine's Day. Ultimately I said yes. Through the anger and bitterness I had towards Gideon I knew there were feelings still there. It scared me honestly. It scared me that no matter what I said or did to him, he still came back. It scared me that no matter how hard I tried to stay away that I couldn't.

"You good?" Gideon asks making me look at him as he sits across the table from me. I was spaced out staring into the distance of the restaurant. Maybe I should've declined and stayed home tonight because I'm not even mentally here.

"Yeah, sorry if I'm not talking. I'm not exactly all the way here. You know...thinking."

"About?"

"About why we just go back and forth. It's love then hate with us. How many times are we going to do this? We go in circles, especially these past couple of months."

"I ask myself the same thing sometimes," he says shrugging a little. I don't think either of us had an answer to why. "It's probably that Leo, Aquarius shit," he says chuckling as I do too.

"We're opposite, but we attract."

"That passion," he adds. "I swore I was done with you. After all the bullshit of you going back and forth between me and Markel. After you blaming me for Markel's death. Everything. I told myself I was gonna be back on my old bullshit fucking girls with no strings attached. Being a dog because that's easier than having to come to terms with my feelings. The truth is I couldn't because I care about you too much. I love you and I have since high school. I used to think it was just guilt for me abandoning you when you needed me the most, but it's not."

I listen to him talk as a million things race through my mind. He goes on adding, "I want to be with you. I want to get back together, but I also want us to start over. With a clean slate..."

I look at him with furrowed eyebrows in confusion, but also shock. After all the bullshit that's happened recently I wasn't expecting this.

All I could think about was Markel even though Gideon's the one in front of me. Was it wrong to be with the person I cheated on Markel with when he's now dead? Would it make me look trifling? How would it look to other people?

"I don't know," I say hesitantly.

"You don't know?" He asks sounding a little offended. "Do you love me?"

"It's not that simple.."

"You're thinking about Markel or how people will perceive it. Aren't you?"

I nod my head. "Can I just think about it?"

"That's fine," he says with a small smile as I let out a sigh. "Don't think about it now though. I just want to enjoy tonight together." I smile a little nodding my head.

I follow the gps that leads me towards the capital because the restaurant is near there. I focus on the road as Brent Faiyez plays lowly. I wasn't as mad as I was at Zipporah earlier, but I had to pretend I was for dramatics. This reservation wasn't easy to get, especially on a holiday. Throw in the fact this is a really nice and expensive restaurant. I went out of my way to do something nice when my schedule is busy as hell only for her to show up late.

Between class, work, and my internship I didn't have much time for anything lately. She knows that. This is my last semester then I graduate in May, so I had to focus up. I want to be there for Zipporah as much as I can, but I also can't drop everything to do that. I can't spend all my time making sure she's doing what she's supposed to be doing despite the fact she's grieving. She's busy herself, but she was also not making time for me.

Although I'm busy I still tried to call her every night so we can talk, but a lot of times she wouldn't answer. If she's not in class or at work, Zipporah was sleeping. A clear sign of depression. She slept when she wasn't even sleepy. If I ask her why she didn't answer my call or respond to my text she was asleep. If I pop up at her apartment using the key she gave me to let myself in and she's there, she's in bed asleep. She wasn't putting in nearly as much energy into us as I was.

From the beginning the one thing that irritated me was that Zipporah was never there for me like I was there for her. In all honesty, Zipporah is selfish. At the same time I made it okay because I showed her that no matter what I'ma be there for her. It wasn't something I could stop even if I tried. If I said I was going to wait until she calls or texts me first, I would end up giving in because she was taking too long.

"Where are we going to eat anyway?" She asks making the car a little less quiet.

"The capital grille," I respond. It's one of my favorite places to eat and I've taken her there a few times making her like it just as much as me. It's an upscale steakhouse that wasn't cheap, but it was worth it.

"Really? You didn't have to go all out just because it's Valentine's Day. I'm just happy we get to spend some time together...Is appreciate it though," she says not to sound ungrateful of my effort.

"I know you don't really care about Valentine's Day, but I wanted to." She nods her head in understanding as I drive down the street slowly looking for parking. When I find a spot I pull up far enough then put my car in reverse. I rest my arm on the back of the passenger seat headrest then parallel park in the spot. Once I'm in I put my car in park looking over at Zipporah who's giving me this weird look. "What?"

She smiles saying, "Nothing. You know I just love