Ch. 34

Is it too early to say what a year when it's barely started? 2017 has already started on a crazy note. All I can say is that I couldn't be happier. I know my emotions on this blog have been a rollercoaster. I'll be back with that real shit once Christmas break is over. I'm chillin'.
-Z.D.

I never thought I'd see the day I would be going on a real double date with me, D'Anthony, Sahara and Gideon. For one, I didn't think D'Anthony would give me another chance. Two, I never thought I'd see Sahara giving Gideon another chance with all the bullshit they've had going on. Three, that fake double date didn't go so well, so I just never saw it happening again.

I sit on the stairs of Sahara's apartment building typing away on my phone posting to my blog. When I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, I look up from my phone to see D'Anthony and Gideon. I smile then stand up as D'Anthony says, "What you doing out here?"

He kisses me then I say, "Just waiting. I think Sahara is still getting ready." Gideon takes that as his opportunity to keep going up the stairs to her apartment leaving me and D'Anthony in the hallway.

When my phone rings I see it's my mom making me roll my eyes. I haven't spoken to her since Christmas, which was a week ago. I lean against the wooden staircase rail answering saying, "Hello?"

I look at D'Anthony as he just leans against the wall across from me looking at me. "You didn't send the money for your sisters private school tuition. Where is it?" Is the first thing to fly out of her mouth. Not her saying she wants to talk, to apologize or even just asking if I'm okay. Wow.

"I didn't send it and I'm not going to send it," I say holding my phone up with my shoulder as I cross my arms over my chest.

"What? It's due in three days. They go back to school in a week."

"Well, better find a way. I told you I can't support you financially anymore. Get. A. Job! Obviously you won't find a job in a week, so you better take out a loan or something."

"It's fine if you don't want to support me financially anymore you ungrateful ass child, but this is about your sisters. This is about your sisters getting the same chance at a better education like you did. Do you think you would be at Howard if you didn't go to a private school?!"

I furrow my eyebrows saying, "Yes, I do. I'm smart and I got good grades just like the rest of my sisters. They're smart and grounded and they'll do just fine at a public, FREE school."

"We live in Baltimore. You really want your sisters going to the public schools we live by. The drugs and violence. You want that for them. Do you want them to be at risk of getting involved with the wrong crowd or worse, killed?"

"You're really dragging this. At the end of the day, they still live in that neighborhood. They're still exposed to all of those things they just go to a better school. Instead of you talking on the phone with me, you need to be out there looking for a loan. Have a good day," I say hanging up my phone. My heart was beating fast out of nervousness. I've never done something like that to my mother. When she calls back again I ignore her call.

A lot of people might ask, what about your sisters? I already sent the money to the oldest to pay for all of them. I just wanted to get it through my Moms thick skull to get a job. Her panicking for money won't hurt her a little.

"You good?" D'Anthony asks making me look up at him.

"Yeah, just family drama like always." I furrow my eyebrows thinking back on what my Mother told me about my Dad committing suicide in prison. "Would your opinion of your father change if pretty much everything you've been told was a lie?" I ask making D'Anthony rub his facial hair.

"Depends on what it is."

"My mother told me that my Dad wasn't killed in jail for being a snitch, but that he killed himself. He committed suicide by hanging himself in his jail cell. That he took the coward route not once, but twice. First he snitched on people to get less time in hopes of coming home to his family only to get to prison and kill himself. If my theory is right, all the prisoners were giving him shit and he couldn't handle it, so he killed himself. Isn't suicide a sin?"

"Not really. People say that, but no. At least I don't think so. Suicide is not the unpardonable sin. If you're saved and you repent before you commit the act, you have a chance of still going to heaven. Which a lot of people do that, they'll tell God everything and ask for forgiveness right before they kill themselves."

I stand there thinking then I say, "I just don't know what to think. A part of me feels like my mother was lying just to make herself look better even though it didn't work. The other part of me just wants to know why...Why did he do it? Why was it a secret? But I really don't think my Dad killed himself. I don't, but what other options do I have to believe?"

"Have you talked to your Aunts since you found out?" I just shake my head in response. I sigh then I think about something...

"I remember one time back when my family was living in Senegal, I came running inside crying. A dog was chasing me and I was deathly afraid of dogs. I run to my mother who's in the kitchen because she was who I saw first. My mother was unsympathetic. Back then I just thought she was mean and heartless. She was just tired from taking care of us kids. So I run to my Dad next who's in the living room watching tv. Still crying as if the dog is chasing me. He wipes my tears and tells me everything is going to be okay. As a kid, you really believe that. That everything is going to be okay because an adult said so. Every time I cried I went right to my father, he'd wipe my tears and say the same thing every time & every single time I believed him. But when he died...I was crying and this time he wasn't there to wipe my tears and say everything will be okay. It hasn't been okay since that day."

I sniffle as a tear falls down my face. When I look up D'Anthony steps closer to me. He wraps his arms around me then hugs me. When we pull apart he uses his thumbs to wipes my tears then says, "Would it be corny for me to say everything is going to be okay right now?"

I chuckle shaking my head saying, "No."

"Well, it is going to be okay. At the end of the day, your father was still your father. He isn't his occupation, he isn't a felon and he isn't his death. He's a man, an imperfect man because no one is perfect. Remember him for who he was to you, for what he did for you." I nod my head as he kisses my forehead.

"Is my makeup still intact?" I ask making him laugh.

"You don't even need makeup, but your face is still beat. Is that how y'all say it?" He asks making me chuckle.

"Yup, face beat to the gods!" I say putting my hand under my chin sticking my tongue out. Right as I say that I see Sahara and Gideon coming down the stairs. "Bout time. You would've thought this girl was putting on her Sunday best as long as it took her to get ready."

"I had to flatiron Kimmy," Sahara says petting her wig making me die laughing.

"Who's Kimmy?" Gideon asks genuinely confused. D'Anthony points towards Sahara's head making him look at her, but he still looked lost.

"I don't get it," Gideon says making me snicker under my breath.

"Nothing, once you've been dating black girls for a little while longer you'll get it," D'Anthony says. "Let's go before we're late to this movie."

...

After going out to eat we saw the movie, Hidden Figures. As all four of us walked out of the theater we chattered on about the movie then I said, "Wait, before we leave I need to use the bathroom." I grab onto Sahara so she'll come with me then say, "We'll be back." We go into the bathroom and I go to a stall while Sahara is at the sink looking in the mirror. I do my do then come out going to the sink next to Sahara to wash my hands. "So, are you and Gideon trying to get back together like in a relationship?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says shrugging. "The biggest thing I keep thinking about is how that'll effect Markel. Imagine him having to see me with Gideon after I cheated on him with him. That would have to hurt, right? Even though I already hurt him by cheating, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I still care about him. I still love him and if I had the chance to be with him, I would. At the same time, I care about Gideon too. It's just confusing because I'm trying not to hold a grudge against Gideon for everything he's done to me, but a part of me says he doesn't deserve me."

"He doesn't," I say bluntly. "But at the same time, you can't dismiss the fact that you still have feelings for him. Are you supposed to ignore your feelings because you're thinking about Markel's feelings? Markel is my best friend and I never want to see him hurt, but I can tell you this...He's going to be okay. You have to do what makes you happy. Markel is going to do what makes him happy."

"Maybe you're right," she says as I dry my hands off. We walk out of the bathroom meeting back up with D'Anthony and Gideon so we can leave.

They drop us off back at Sahara's apartments. Gideon and D'Anthony both had work, so we went to an early show. Now I had plans to go to Nubia's to work on some content for our Youtube channel. Sahara drives us over to Nubia's apartments and we go in through the automatic sliding doors. "When the hell is it going to start getting warm again?" I say unzipping my jacket shaking the cold of outside off.

Barely two steps into the building I hear my name being shouted by a male voice making both me and Sahara turn around. When I see Markel sitting there I smile..

He stands up and I hug him saying, "I didn't know you were coming back today. I thought you had another day in New York.."

"I did, but my parents were driving me crazy. Got an earlier flights. Those couple of weeks made me realize why I chose Howard and D.C. To be away from them. My Dad is still that crazy Jamaican man."

"I think all of our parents are a little crazy. I have some stories of my own just from one day around my mother," I say rolling my eyes thinking about her.

"A little?" he says as we both chuckle. "I take it you're going to tell me what happened. I was kind of hoping you could cut my hair. My old barber in Nanuet was M.I.A." He lifts up his hat showing his grown out hair.

"Yeah, you do need a little line up and some more shit. I got you." It gets quiet and I see Markel's eyes shift behind me and he's looking at Sahara who's standing there awkwardly just staring at us. I didn't even think about the fact that it would be awkward as hell if there ever in the same room because of me. At this point all they had in common were their friendships with me. "You good?" I ask making him look back at me.

"I'm coo. I'm not gonna cuss her out or nothin' if that's what you're asking. I can be civil 'round her. Cordial."

"Alright, I just need to edit a video and put it up then we can go to my apartment, so I can cut your hair or I can just call you later when I'm done then you can come over."

"I can wait with you," he says as I nod my head stepping back from him. I turn around walking towards Sahara as Markel follows behind me.

"He's coming. I hope that's cool," I whisper to Sahara.

"Not my place, so I can't really say no," she whispers back. She looks over her shoulder at Markel then I hear her say, "Hey." She gives him a smile as he gives her a dry ass greeting back.

"How was your Christmas, New Year?" Sahara asks him.

"Fine," Markel replies dryly. Didn't this boy just say he could be cordial? Doesn't cordial mean like friendly? This definitely isn't friendly. "I know you had a good New Years," Markel comments making me arch my brow, but I didn't say anything. From that comment I feel like he saw some pictures or something from the New Year's Eve party with her and Gideon. I just shut my mouth and mind my business.

We walk towards the stairs and when I see Nubia coming down them I furrow my eyebrows looking her up and down...

"Where are you going?" I ask. "We were just coming up there."

"I'm going out with my man seeing as y'all rude asses couldn't invite us to your little double date. I saw the posts on Snapchat. What was wrong with a triple date, huh? Just so y'all know, you ain't cute no way!" She points at me and Sahara and I can't hold in my laugh. "Laugh all you want. Which couple has been going strong the longest with no drama, arguing, lying or cheating?" She asks with a smirk. I hiss cause I know that had to sting a little for Sahara and Markel. I know it was a shot towards me too, but I acted like it wasn't. She can't hurt my feelings with her shade.

"Why you gotta be like that? We were gonna invite you, but we thought y'all wouldn't wanna come," Sahara says making an excuse.

"Are you really leaving? I need to use the filming room," I say.

"Go ahead. You have a key to my apartment. Just don't eat any of my food, I'll be back later." I nod my head as she walks through us and we go up the stairs.

Once we get up to her apartment we all go to her filming room. I go straight to the computer, so I can start editing. Markel sits on the couch and Sahara is using the ring lighting to take selfies. I hear Sahara clear her throat, but I continue to edit the video. "So, Markel," I hear Sahara say. I'm nosey, so I glance over my shoulder seeing him looking at his phone as Sahara walks towards him.

"Hm?" I heard him say as I look back at the computer.

"I don't know if you remember, but my birthday is coming up next week..."

"I didn't remember, but thanks for reminding me...I guess," Markel says as if not caring.

"I'm not saying it because I think you care or because I want a gift or anything. I'm having a birthday party next weekend and I wanted to invite you."

"Really?" Markel says. That's exactly what I was thinking. "If I come can I bring someone?" I poke my lips out wondering who. Was it a girl? I couldn't help but listen in considering they're in the same room as me.

"Uhh, sure," Sahara says as if she doesn't want to.

"Coo, I'll think about it."

It gets quiet then Sahara comes over to me tapping my shoulder. "I'm gonna get going. You can ride with him, right?" She says referring to Markel. I nod my head so she says, "Alright, I'll text you. Bye and come lock the door behind me." She hugs me then I watch as she walks out of the room. When I hear the front door close I spin around in the chair looking at Markel who's laying across the couch on his phone.

I guess he can feel my eyes on him because he looks up from his phone at me saying, "What?"

"That was weird as hell. Her inviting you to her birthday party. Are you actually going to come? And who are you planning on bringing if you do?" I ask.

He shrugs saying, "Probably not. Just talkin' my shit to fuck with her head. I said cordial, but I didn't say I wouldn't be petty." He sits up on the couch saying, "I been talking to this girl, but I don't know yet. Too soon, ya know? I wanna be single for a little minute, but I still fuck with the chick. Nubia said y'all went on a double date...Sahara's really still fucking with Gideon, huh?"

I sigh because I really didn't know if I should tell him. Once again I'm stuck between these two. I thought this would be over. "I don't know what they're doing to be honest."

"So, why would she invite me to her party? I know she invited him too. I'm not tryna be in no more bullshit."

"I don't know. I didn't even know she was gonna do that. Look, we're throwing her a surprise party on her actual birthday on Wednesday. You can come to that one instead. Saturday is the big party she planned. You know, everybody dresses up, music, alcohol, dancing. Wednesday is just cake, singing happy birthday and a small kickback. Laid back, ya know?"

"If I come she's gonna think I wanna get back with her.."

"Do you?" I ask making him twist up his lip.

"How stupid would I look taking her back after she cheated on me," he says sucking teeth.

"It's not about being stupid," I say getting up walking over to him. I sit on the couch next to him saying, "Relationships and love are stupid some fucking times. Sometimes you look stupid. It's about what you feel and what you want."

"Well, I think I want more space from her."

"The more space apart the better chance of her getting closer to Gideon and I don't think anyone wants that."

"Are you done with your video? Cause I'm tryna get this haircut, so I can go home, unpack and take a nap," he says ignoring what I said.

"Fine," I say getting up. "Let's go."

After the double date and work, I decide to go see my Father. After what Zipporah told me about her own Dad it got me thinking and I had a couple of questions. I don't know if I'm necessarily prepared for the answers because if I'm right about what I'm thinking that's a hard situation.

I ring his