28 (1): I See God In You

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

Ch. 28, Part 1

Luke 17:3-4 said, "If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; & if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day & seven times come back to you saying 'I repent,' you must forgive them." Forgiveness is a process. It doesn't happen over night. It took me years to forgive Ryan Woods & the soccer team, just like it took years for him to forgive his mother. Baby steps...Right?
-Z.D.

I post the update to my blog right as the car comes to a stop. I look up seeing we're parked in a cemetery. "We're here!" D'Anthony's Dad says from the drivers seat. I never thought I would be meeting someone's father only a couple of weeks into dating, but this was a different circumstance. I offered to be here as a support for D'Anthony and I meant it. So here I was in Baltimore, Maryland with my boyfriend of not even a month for a funeral.

I can hear D'Anthony sigh from the front seat then we all get out. I step onto the gravel road in my black heels getting out of the car. I smooth out my dress closing the backseat door behind me as D'Anthony grabs onto my hand. I look up at him as he looks down on me. He's been extremely quiet today and I can understand why. D'Anthony stuck to his guns about his decision not to give up his burial plot next to his brother, so instead his father had to give his up. I understood. Why should he have to give his spot up because she wanted it?

As we walked through the grass, I hold onto D'Anthony for balance. There were already people here, so they all stared at us. It wasn't that many people and I didn't know what to think about that. I always wondered if not that many people showing up to your funeral was a reflection of you as a person, your life. Did she not have many friends and family or did people just not like her? That made me think of all the people I've fucked over, particularly men. It also made me think about the fact that D'Anthony and I were never supposed to be. This was all some fucked up mind game to get back at him. Now I wondered if I should tell him the truth...but how?

As we walk I look at the headstones spotting the one for D'Anthony's brother that has a picture of him on it.

David Luis Carlos. Son, brother, friend.

He was only 16.

We sit down directly in front of the lavender casket decorated with a bushel of lavender flowers. I wondered why that color and flower? It wasn't typical at funerals. I sit there looking at the funeral program flipping through the pages. I get to the page of pictures seeing one of his mother and two small boys. "Is that you?" I ask pointing at the taller of the two little boys.

"Yeah. I was fresh wasn't I?" He says making me chuckle lightly. Him and his brother had matching outfits and his hair was cut in a low high top. Throughout the funeral, I'm not gonna lie, I tuned it out. I learned some things about his mother though. She's from King George, Virginia, an only child whose parents died at a young age leaving her to be raised by her grandmother. She married D'Anthony's father, had two kids then they divorced. She got remarried and moved to Virginia with him and her two step-kids, who are also here. Her ex-husband was nowhere in sight though. She was also a preacher, which was interesting to me.

"Now we'll have a few words from Diana's oldest and only living son, D'Anthony." A man says as D'Anthony stands up. I watch as he goes up to the front as everyone looks at him. It was quiet for a moment and the only thing that could be heard was someone coughing.

D'Anthony sighs then he finally says, "It took a lot of convincing for me to get up and do this. I'm not a fan of faking and lying to make something look like what it's not, so I'ma be honest...I can't sit here and talk about how my Mother was the best Mother to walk this Earth. I can only tell you about the Diana I knew when I was a baby until I was about 7. After that she was M.I.A and for awhile I was bitter, angry. Here she was living this picture perfect, happy life in Virginia with her husband and step-kids while your kids live in the hood in Maryland. You leave us with a man who has to leave us with our grandmother almost everyday, so he can hustle the streets selling drugs. How does that work?"

"It took her dying for me to stop allowing my bitterness to cloud my judgement of who my mother was. She was a hurt and a broken woman. Not any amount of God, religion or faith could erase that. The first time I found out she was a preacher, I laughed then I wondered how...How could she preach to a congregation when she was living a lie? I guess it's easier said than done because I'm doing it right now to you all."

"My Grandmother told me that someone who was never loved will find it hard to love others and themselves. How could my Mother know the importance of a parents love when she never had parents herself? How could she know how much a mother's love means to a child when she barely knew her own mother? I guess that's why for so long I never cherished a woman's love or touch because I didn't receive my own mothers. It took a woman that I loved to make me realize what my mother's absence has done to me. My mother is a source of inspiration for me. My heartbreak continuously comes from women including my mother. I started selling drugs because of a woman. I mistreated women because of other women before that. I do things for women in hopes of them filling the void of my mother. I hate women, I love women. Women inspire me including my mother."

"I say all of that to say, I thank my Mother. I thank her for not being around. It made me who I am whether anyone thinks I'm a good or bad person. Everyday I live my life with the pain and hurt I experienced from my mother neglecting me or my brother dying to drive me forward. I went to college because I had two points to prove: 1. To prove my Mother and her ex-husband wrong that I would just end up like my father or my uncles. A drug dealer and a killer. And 2. That I wasn't the bad child in comparison to David, but to also make him proud. So, I thank my mother. I thank her for abandoning me, I thank her for doubting me and I thank her for killing herself."

Everyone gasps as D'Anthony pauses. "Every few years in everyone's life something life changing and tragic happens in order for you to reevaluate. This is my reevaluating moment. My moment to look at my life and decide what I need to change to become a better me. Among those things are to stop holding grudges and to forgive. Here today I say, I forgive you Mom." He turns to the right touching the lavender casket. He then turns back towards everyone. "Today I also challenge everyone to forgive someone you've held resentment for. Whether you speak to them again or not, let it go. I failed my mother in one way and one way only...by not forgiving her and being there for her. Mental health is no joke and she clearly just needed somebody. It's sad I realize this when it's too late."

D'Anthony looks at everyone giving a faint smile then sits down next to me again. I grab his hand patting it as he looks at me. I smile and he smiles back. "Good job, babe," I whisper.

"Thanks. I only did it for you," he says back quietly.

. . .

I sit at the table in D'Anthony's Dad's house here in Baltimore. After the funeral we came back here because his aunts made dinner. I sit next to D'Anthony as he passes me a bowl after the prayer. "I found out your Momma's Daddy is Cuban. I don't know how I didn't know that. I thought his ass was black this whole time. He look like a nigga to me. Now her last name being Carlos makes sense," D'Anthony's Dad, Manny says.

He continues because no one else will say anything. "It also makes sense why D'Anthony's ass played soccer when I wanted him to play basketball and football. He was always hanging with the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans, all them mutha fuckas. It's cause he's part Cuban." I laugh to myself looking at D'Anthony who's shaking his head.

"Does it really count when it's my grandfather I've never met? That's only 25%. I'm not gonna go around claiming I'm part Cuban," D'Anthony says.

"It's better than being whole nigga. It sounds more interesting. Now you can explain why your last name is Carlos. I don't know why ya Momma didn't want you to have my last name. Well, I do know. She knew it would come with stigmas cause of things me and your uncles did."

I arch my brow as D'Anthony says, "Do you have to talk about this now when we have a guest?" D'Anthony darts his eyes towards me like I don't know he's talking about me.

"Fine, you right. So, Zipporah, you go to Howard?" D'Anthony's Dad asks me.

I nod my head then say, "Yes sir. I'm in my junior year although it feels like I've been in school forever. Just ready to graduate."

"I didn't go to college, but there's no point in rushing the experience. Everybody can't wait to be grown until they have grown up responsibilities and bills. Mortgage, insurance, cable, car note, phone bill, food, clothes, kids-"

D'Anthony cuts him off saying, "Alright, she gets it."

"I was saying that more so for you. In a matter of a couple of months you'll be graduating. Don't try asking me for shit cause I can't help yo ass, homeboy!"

I laugh as D smacks his lips. "Why you tryna act like you didn't cut me off financially when I was like 13? Who tells a 13 year old if they want school clothes they better go break into some houses?"

"Now wait a minute, I did not tell you that. You were saying how your friends had this and that type of labels. I said if you want it so bad go break into one of their houses and steal it from them because I'm not getting your ungrateful ass any of that shit. Don't twist my words," Manny says making me laugh. "Now back to Zipporah. I wanna know more about my future daughter-in-law that will bless me with my grand kids. Do you know he's never brought a girl home before?"

I bug my eyes at the daughter-in-law and grandkids comment as D'Anthony shakes his head. I look at D asking, "Really?"

"Never. Not even in high school."

"This is the exact reason I didn't introduce you to anyone. You get all weird," D slightly mumbles.

"You know damn well why you didn't bring a girl home. If she wasn't black you better not even try that shit," his Aunt Trice says. "Ain't nothing wrong with mixing, but not 'round here. Cause then I gotta act all proper to make her feel comfortable and I'm not with that fake shit. You finally got a black girl, so I can say nigga as much as I want, talk about these triflin' ass white people and be me."

"Which is ghetto as hell," Israel says receiving a slap from Trice.

"Can I go back to talking to my daughter?" Manny asks looking at his sister. "So, where are you from? Your family life?" He says looking at me.

"Well, I was born in Senegal then we moved to Baltimore around my junior high years and that's where my Mom and sisters still live."

"Baltimore? So, you're home. Never would've thought. What area?" Despite me being back in Baltimore, I wasn't going to see my family. We're leaving tomorrow morning and it'll soon be Christmas break, so I'll see them then.

"Park Heights," I respond.

"Park Heights, I'm surprised as hell. I don't know why I was assuming. I think of Howard, I think about the privileged, wealthy, well-off black kids. I was thinking you were from D.C. from an affluent family."

I chuckle. "Yeah, I think everyone does. There are students with that background there, just not me. I kinda came from nothing and made it out. Still trying to stay out."

"I can understand that. Park Heights use to be my old stopping grounds back in the day day when I was on some other shit, if you know what I mean."

I laugh. "Of course. My father was on the same thing...before he died," I mumble clearing my throat.

"Who's your father? Maybe I knew him."

I look around the table as everyone's looking at me. I clear my throat again saying, "Solomon Diop. He was known in the streets as The G–"

Manny cuts me off saying, "The General." He says it dryly with a new look of anger in his eyes. "Solomon is your father?" He asks as I nod my head putting Mac and cheese in my mouth. He turns to look at D'Anthony then says, "I need you to get her out of my house."

I nearly choke on the food in my mouth as D'Anthony asks, "Why?"

"Whatchu mean why? Her father is the one who snitched on your Uncle Silk and you're asking me why? He got life because of that man. He's missing out on seeing his son, Israel grow up because of that man and you're asking me why?"

"Wait, what?" D asks looking around confused. I was just as confused as him. Of course I knew my Dad snitched, the streets talk. I just never knew on who..

"Don't act lost. You brought her here knowing this?" Manny says standing up from the table.

"I didn't know," D'Anthony says.

"Whether you knew or not you need to get her up outta my house and never bring her here again. We don't fuck with people like that, period! You don't trust someone who has the same blood as a snake."

D'Anthony stands up from the table too. "Pops, you're trippin' right now. How can you blame her for something her father did decades ago? Especially when her father is dead. It's not that serious."

"It's not that serious? I'm not gonna say it again...Get her out!"

I wipe my mouth then stand up saying, "I'll just go. It's not a big deal."

"No, you're not going anywhere because if you leave I'm leaving too," D argues back.

"Do what you gotta do," Manny says crossing his arms over his chest looking from D'Anthony to me with a glare.

"Fine, we'll leave. You just blew mine. It ain't even that serious to kick us out," D'Anthony mumbles angrily. Everyone just sits there quietly looking at us as we leave. We go out to the rental car we got for the two days getting in. D'Anthony slams his door behind him starting the car then pulling off. Meeting the parent for the first time went well...

I push Nubia laughing as I look back at the road on the screen as we play a racing arcade game. We had just got out of the movies and went to the arcade on our way because well, we're childish. "Quit cheating hoe!" Nubia yells as I race past other cars putting me in first place. This was exactly what I needed to wind down from the week on a Friday night. Between finals coming up, studying and also trying to balance a social life, I needed a break. This was something to temporarily get things off of my mind.

When I cross the finish line still in first place I throw my hands up. "Victory! Sweet, sweet victory!"

"Whatever," Nubia says smacking her lips standing up. "Let's go. I don't wanna play anymore games."

I sniff the air then say, "I smell a sore loser." She gives me the dirtiest look as I laugh. I grab my wallet standing up to then we leave.

On our way back to Nubia's apartment she stops at the gas station, so we can get snacks and a drink. Instead of her coming in with me, I go in by myself getting both of the things we want. I grab two Arizona's and bags of hot fries as well as some candy checking out. I walk out of the gas station holding the bag full of stuff furrowing my brows to see Nubia with her door open standing up. I walk around the car looking at her..

She was the only college student I knew who had two cars. She had her expensive as BMW I8 and her everyday car, a little Fiat. I clearly need rich parents. "What are you doing?" I ask handing her the bag as she's giving me this weird smile.

She extends a phone making me look at it realizing it's mine. I grab it asking, "Why do you have my phone?"

"I'm just minding my business talking to my man about the drama Zipporah's going through in Baltimore with their family then your phone goes off. I glance down and see Gideon is texting you. My nosy ass can't resist a chance at getting some tea."

"So? He can't text me? I'm his tutor," I say shrugging trying to play it off walking around the car. I get into the passengers seat as she gets in the car too.

She begins to dig through the bag getting everything that's hers saying, "Funny. That text had nothing to do with tutoring unless my ass has been mistaken on what tutoring is. Shit, I might need to get some tutoring sessions if that's what it's about." I roll my eyes as she goes on. "Sooo... what's going on?"

"Nothing," I say opening the text message.

Gideon: So you just gonna ignore me after we did what we did? Aiight

"Well, I'm gonna give you hoe 101..if you're gonna cheat get your side nigga in check. Also, change his name in your damn phone. So obvious."

"Who said anything about cheating and a side nigga? Quit jumping to conclusions," I say looking at her turning up my lips.

"Girl," she says looking at me like I'm stupid. "I've been there, I've done that, and I've gotten caught. Never be sloppy. If you're gonna be an asshole who cheats, be decent enough to make sure

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net