*Usually idc if y'all don't listen to the music I put in the mm, but every song I'm using for this story is vibessss to the pt I made a playlist on Apple Music lol*

Ch. 13

Ephesians 4:31-2 said: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." I'm still a work in progress. I'm still hurting on the inside. I'm still hurting others. I'm still pushing away people out of fear and mistrust. How do I make it stop? I just want to be open...Open to love.
-Z.D.

"Zi!" I hear Sahara yell from my bathroom.

"Yes?" I call back as I post my blog, log out then turn my computer off.

"Avez-vous un eye-liner?"  She asks in French as I get up from my desk.

"Oui, regardez dans le panier sur le comptoir," I reply as I sit on my bed beginning to put my Nivea lotion on.

"Can y'all stop all that bonjour, oui, oui shit. Y'all know I can't stand that shit. I would like to be included," Nubia says from my vanity while curling her hair. Today is Saturday so that means the end to Homecoming week. Earlier in the day we went to the game at 1 doing all the usual like tailgating and more. Now we're getting ready to go to a party. I was pretty much ready. My hair and makeup is done, I just need to put my dress and shoes on.

I laugh then say to Sahara, "Nous devrions parler français toute la nuit pour l'irriter."

"D'accord," Sahara says laughing.

"Cut that shit out!" Sahara yells. "Y'all got me feeling like a basic bitch because I'm not bilingual. And Americans have the nerve to look down on these poverty stricken countries. Y'all smart as hell. Y'all come out the womb speaking ten languages and they wait until high school to try and teach us. By then it's too late because the mind has developed. That's why they took from y'all because they knew...they knew if you were smart AND had money it would be ova for them." She says pointing the curling iron at me.

"Alright, sis. No need for a speech. But yes, Africans take education very seriously. We can be poor living in poverty, but we'll find a way to learn." I pause then say, "Did I tell y'all what this white boy said in my Advertising & PR class said?"

"No. What?" Sahara and both Nubia say.

"We were talking about some commercial we watched and he's gonna say Africa, Africans aren't as civilized as the rest of the world. I almost jumped my ass across six rows in that lecture hall to whoop his ass and show him how uncivilized we really are. We're uncivilized, but we come to America, get the education y'all take for granted then get good jobs. We're doctors, lawyers, engineers, professors, scientists, and so much more. The fucking nerve!"

"Uncivilized to who? To the European standard? We have culture and tradition. We don't do things the way they WANT us to do it. We can't be that damn bad if you came over and stole our mutha fuckin' asses. Hell, if they weren't always stealing our resources maybe we could have a chance. His stupid ass ain't never been to a single country in Africa if he believes that," I said. I got mad all over again thinking about it.

"You better preach, sis!" Sahara yells from the bathroom sticking her head out.

"Lord, let me stop. I need to be getting ready," I say getting up from my bed going to my closet.

"You gonna do my eye shadow?" Nubia asks as I grab the dress I bought for tonight off of my rolling clothing rack. It's just a simple black dress.

I look at the time saying, "Girl, we need to be going. Slap some winged eyeliner and some bomb lashes on and call it a night."

"Please," she turns around pouting. "What do I have a makeup artist as a friend for?"

I sigh saying, "Fine. We need to do it now though." I walk over to the vanity asking, "What kind of look do you want?"

"Hmm, a natural cut crease with glitter."

"Girl, you're doing too much," I complain. "You get what I give you," I say rummaging through the drawer of my vanity. I grab my The Nubian 2 and The Saharan palette from Juvia's Place, some brushes and an eyeshadow base.

Once I'm done with her makeup I finally put on my dress, choker, hoop earrings and burgundy velvet heels.

Sahara comes out of the bathroom in her black and white dress, black strappy heels and a choker with crystals all over it. Her hair is straight with a middle part reaching the small of her back in length. "Yesss, bitch! You betta pull all the way through like it's a drive through at McDonald's!" I say snapping.

I always had to be extra when hyping my friends up. I just loved making people feel good about themselves even if I didn't feel the same about myself.

Nubia had on this black dress with cutouts on the top neck part and red heels. Her 30 inches was curled making it bounce with her every movement. Honestly, nobody could tell us shit tonight.

"I wish I had your ass," Nubia says turning her head to the side just staring. "It's so juicy.."

"Got it from my Mama!" I drop in a squat position doing a quick twerk as Nubia slaps my ass. When I try to get back up I struggle a bit. "Oop, my dress is too tight. I almost got stuck down here," I say as Nubia helps me up as we die laughing.

"You better not drop it low at the party or you'll be on basement status the whole night."

"I'll just do the hands on my knees twerk. Y'all ready?" I ask. They say yes then we leave in my car. I decided I'll be the designated driver tonight. That way I won't get drunk and do anything stupid...or anyone.

Once we get to the party I walk into the sea of people crowded by the door pushing my way through. You ever wonder why black people tend to congregate in one area? That shit used to irk my nerves back in high school in the hallways when I'm trying to get to class on time.

I already knew it wouldn't be long before Nubia and Sahara left me. When I see Israel I nod my head towards him saying to Nubia, "Bye, cause I already know you're finna run off."

"I hear a lot of salt in your throat, might wanna swallow it. Actually," she says as if it's matter of factly. "-I'm not. Why I gotta be all up on him at a party? We're not in a relationship. I'm here to have fun. To get drunk and dance on a couple of cuties. Heyy!" She says waving at a guy who passes by us.

"Alright, just don't cause any fights. I don't know what kind of black magic you have in that pussy, but you always have niggas ready to go to war over you."

"I told you my box is different. It's an experience. Welcome to the Nubia show!" She says waving her hand over it.

I laugh saying, "You stupid." I look around realizing Sahara is gone. My first thought is her short ass got lost in the crowd. I spot Markel's tall, lanky frame and I see Sahara is right there with him. "Your friend says otherwise about being up under a nigga at a party. I'm not even mad. She looks happy," I say watching them.

"Right! She still gotta bad attitude, but once she gets some dick from him, that'll be solved. Hopefully he drops that shit on her tonight. All in them guts. The dick needa be so good she's happy all week. That I got dick glow."

I laughed even though I didn't see that happening. Sahara hasn't had sex in years. What happened to us in high school had completely different effects on us. I was giving it up with no strings attached scared of relationships and she was just scared of men period. No relationships, no sex, no nothing. Just hating the entire male species.

When a male voice yells over everyone I look in the direction the voice is coming from. Towards the front of the room is Gideon behind the turntables. A lot of people may not like him, but one thing you can't say is he isn't a good DJ. If you want a turnt up party, call him. He'll have yo shit crankin' all night long.

When he started Freaky Girl by Gucci Mane nearly everyone got hype. That song was synonymous for everyone in a sorority or fraternity to start strolling. I immediately started going in flipping my hair and all. I was just hoping my clip-on bang or the clip-ins I used to make my bun fuller didn't fly off. If it did I would be embarrassed for a millisecond, but keep going. I still remember my first step show the Kanekelon ponytail they made us wear fell off. As the song went on like a magnet all of the Delta's found each other going even harder.

When the song was over and it went into the next one I found Nubia again and we decided to take some shots. I only took one trying to keep in mind I'm the D.D. When I look across the room I spot Brayden and he's looking right at me. I couldn't even tell you the last time I saw or spoke to him. I guess that day we got into that argument in the car. "He is never gonna let you go," Nubia says making me look at her. "That pussy gotta strong grip on his ass. Those sweet walls done caved in and trapped him."

She chuckles as I say, "I'll be back." She nods then I make my way through people who are dancing and wildin' out. Brayden is leaned up against a wall wearing a black high neck sweater, a suit jacket, black pants and black boots. I couldn't lie, he looked good. I mean, everyone looks good tonight. For the single people it would be hard to pick who you're tryna smash tonight. Everyone showed up and showed out.

"Hey," I say stopping in front of him.

"Wassup?" He says running his hands through his hair. Brayden spoke with a drawl being he's from the country of Virginia. If you would just speak to him on the phone you wouldn't be able to tell what race he is. No race speaks a specific way, but you would be surprised he's a straight up white boy.

I hated when people would say a persons trying to talk or act black. There's no such thing. It's called speaking the vernacular of where you're from. Because I can flip a switch and speak proper I've been told I talk white. In the next second I can be using DMV slang making you think I was born and raised in Baltimore. When my accent was thicker I was made to seem uneducated. When I spoke in Fula, I was told to stop speaking African. The ignorance. When I spoke in Arabic I was looked at as a terrorist. But when I spoke in French people were impressed. Shouldn't it just be impressive that I know that many languages period?

"I just came over here to talk...to apologize. I've been very inconsiderate of your feelings. You know me and you know how I am. It's no excuse, but I need to work on me. On my sensitivity to other people's feelings besides just my own. I just want to be friends again. Strictly friends," I clarify.

He shakes his head then laughs lowly. "You started this all, not me. You initiated the fucking. You should've spelled out everything you did and didn't want from the jump. Instead you waited until you saw I was getting a little too attached to say you just wanted a friends with benefits situation. Yeah, I rolled with it. Did I want to? No, but I did. I guess that's my own fault. But if you think I'm gonna be just your friend and sit back while you fuck the next dude, it ain't happening."

"I understand, but before it all you were my friend. I need my friend."

"Seems to me you have plenty of friends," he says putting the word 'friends' in air quotes. "You don't need my friendship. Not to the point we're hanging out everyday being buddy buddy. Acquaintances sounds just fine."

"Fine," I say huffing. "Whatever you want. It's your decision."

"Fine," he spoke the word hard and hostile looking down on me. He steps around me walking off.

. . .

As the Afro beats song played I whined my hips on some random guy who I've been dancing with for the past 3 songs. He said his name was Joseph and from what I knew he was on the football team. He was a big, burly dark skin guy with a beard standing at about 6 feet. His arms alone were the size of two of mine or even my thigh. It was nothing to me though. It was just dancing.

I look back at him twirling my hips and when I turn face forward for the first time tonight I see D'Anthony. He's across the room talking to the same AKA girl he was dancing with at the party last night. I roll my eyes. He can't stay faithful to save his life seeing as he has a whole ass girlfriend at another school. Information that I was made privy to by this girl named Tahlia who's a SGRho. She's best friends with his supposed girlfriend and told one of my soror's who then told me.

At first I didn't believe it. My soror's clearly don't like him and don't wanna see me like him either. Then they pulled out the proof...pictures. A lot of them. Pictures looking like a happy little interracial couple. I guess it's my own fault for fucking him first then asking questions later. I didn't even think about the fact he could have a girlfriend. But like a typical nigga he had one and still stuck his dick in me, drunk or not.

I guess, my plan really is over and done with.

D'Anthony looks in my direction and I figure he sees me because he turns away quickly. He's wearing a black button-up shirt, black pants and Chelsea boots. "You wanna get a drink?" The guy I'm dancing on says. I stand up straight nodding my head then let him lead the way.

As this girl Lauren danced on me I stared off into the crowd. Honestly, I wasn't in the party mood. It amazes me how people my age can party every weekend and not get tired of it. "D'Anthony!"

She waves her hand in my face making me look down at her. "Huh?"

"What's up with you? Something wrong?" When I see Zipporah walk past in that tight, black dress that hugged every curve I followed her movements. That is until that guy she was dancing on earlier was right on her tail making me narrow my eyes. When I feel a light slap to my arm I look back down at Lauren. "Why the fuck you dancing with me? You might as well chase after that bitch."

I furrow my eyebrows looking at her as if she's crazy. I just had a conversation longer than a greeting with her yesterday and she's already acting like this? "Look, I'm not tryna-"

She cuts me off holding her hand up. "Whatever. If you want that over this," she says waving her hand over herself. "Fine, go get her. That dark bitch ain't even cute," she says mumbling taking a step around me.

I grab her arm saying, "You're showing ya ass and it ain't sitting right. It's not cute." She jerks her arm away from me storming off. I shake my head looking around the room as X by 21 Savage played.

I walk through people when my shoulder is grabbed suddenly. I turn around to see it's Israel easing me a bit. He smiles saying, "I'm about to be up outta here." He gives me a sly smile and I know exactly what he means.

"Aight, bet."

We dap then he says, "You good, cuzzo? You've been off all night."

"I'm just tired, that's all. Ima find myself leaving soon too," I say making an excuse.

"You ain't foolin' me. I know my cousin. Go talk to her. Explain yaself. If she doesn't believe you, nothing more you can do about that. Aiight?" He pats my shoulder then walks off to an awaiting Nubia.

He's right though. I only explain myself once and after that it's whatever. No need in stressing over something that barely even started. I move through the party maneuvering my way through all the people looking for Zipporah. I spot her leaned up against a wall as that guy stands in front of her with his hand propped up on the wall.

I walk over tapping the guy on his shoulder making him look at me with raised brows as Zipporah looks up at me. "Can I talk to her for a minute?" I ask as politely as I can.

He looks at me up and down then turns back to Zipporah talking. I huff tapping his shoulder again making him say, "Do you know this, cat?"

He points his thumb back at me as Zipporah says, "Unfortunately."

I furrow my brows up at that one. "You're really blowing mine. Don't be acting crazy cuz you gotta nigga here," I say to Zipporah. "Let me talk to you," I say with more attitude now.

"Don't you see me right here?" The dude asks aggressively fully turning around towards me. Since we're the same height we saw eye to eye. He's just wider than me. A lot wider than me. He was one of those wide load trucks while I was a long, slim oil truck. "She's busy."

"Obviously!" I said back just as aggressively. "Only a blind man wouldn't be able to see your big back built ass. I asked politely to borrow her, so back up nigga."

"You have lost yo damn everlasting mind," he says pushing me. I push him back when Zipporah gets in between us pushing us apart by putting her hand on each our chests.

"Just chill out. Let me just go talk to him." The dude looks at her in disbelief. When he looks at me with a mug I smile at him. Zipporah sighs storming off.

I turn to follow realizing everyone is staring. "What the hell y'all nosy asses looking at? Mind your business." I go down the hallway I saw Zipporah go down yelling to her, "Slow down!"

She looks over her shoulder saying, "Don't tell me what to do," as she keeps walking at the same pace. For her being in heels she was moving fast in those jonts. She opens a door going in and when I reach it I go in to see it's a bathroom. When I step in she reaches for the door slamming it shut.

She crosses her arms and leans against the sink counter saying, "What the hell is your problem?"

"What's your problem?!" I ask right back.

"I don't have a problem. I'm enjoying life. TRYING