Chapter Twenty Five

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*this chapter desperately needs an edit. I just think it's not original and unnecessarily dramatic, so if y'all have any ideas of where I should take it/how I can make it better, PM me!*

Dani

Going to work had become incredibly difficult. Thoughts of Beca kept me too distracted to do anything really, much less teach. She seemed to be getting sadder and sadder as the days passed and it felt terrible to just stand by and watch. I kept telling myself there was something I could to do help, but I just didn't know what.

As usual, I tried to pay attention to the student talking in front of me but my eyes never failed to wander off. Beca was sitting in her normal seat in the back, slumped over so that her hair was covering her face, and I couldn't help but to try and figure out if she was doing it on purpose. I looked up at Leah. "Uh, I'm sorry, what was your question again?"

She put her hand on her hip. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes Leah," I sighed. "What do you need?"

She went off on a rant about the assignment and I almost immediately tuned out again. To be fair, I wasn't even entirely sure what I assigned. I was so out of it today. I had one single thought running through my mind, and it was the question of whether or not Brian had laid a hand on Beca yet. It didn't matter how pissed off at her I was, I still couldn't stop thinking about it.

The bell rang and Leah groaned, picking up her bag and walking out the door with a less than helpful response from me. I stared at Beca, trying to notice any imperfections. It wouldn't have been hard; I had spent the last two months in my apartment admiring her features, at this point I would notice anything out of place.

She didn't look to be in pain and I couldn't spot any visible bruises, but I knew that she was smart, or dumb, enough to cover up anything that Brian left on her body. She stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder and walking beside Andy to the front of the room. I could tell she was struggling with whether or not to look up, and when our eyes met, it made everything ten times worse.

She immediately looked away and walked out of the room. I stood up mindlessly and headed towards the door as well even though I didn't have a fourth period class. I watched her stop at Andy's locker farther down the hallway, both of them speaking briefly. I couldn't hear her very well but after a few moments, her attitude shifted and her voice raised.

"No, I can't go, just stop asking me Andy! And do me a favor, please, and tell Lucy that's she cool but... it's just not going to work out."

With that, she turned away from Andy and all but ran in my direction, whether purposefully or not. She met my eyes one more time, painfully might I add, before disappearing around the corner. My heart fell out of my chest when I realized what she was doing. She was distancing herself from the few friends that she did have because of what had happened between Brian and I. She was scared that Andy and Lucy would get hurt too.

I was almost sure of it, and it made me feel sick.

It made me feel sick because she didn't deserve to be scared of her friends getting hurt. She deserved to have those people in her life that she could count on, and a loving family, and a safe home. It didn't matter how pissed off at her I was, I knew that she had a raw deal and I hated the fact that she didn't have any of those things anymore.

When my last class ended, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I wouldn't see Beca again until tomorrow and I needed to get her out of my head because she was all that I could think about and it was killing me. I couldn't go back to my apartment because I knew the silence would remind me of how empty I felt inside, and I didn't want to fall into the state that I had been in after my mom passed.

Instead, I went to the gym. All I really wanted to do was box with Javier but I couldn't do that. If I wanted to take out some real frustration, I needed Javier to fight back, and I couldn't go into work tomorrow with a split lip or anything of the sort.

So I ran. I ran until I felt my knees buckling underneath me, until the sweat was literally dripping off of my face, until all thoughts regarding Beca had completely escaped my mind. I ran in a way that I hadn't in such a long time and it brought me back a few years. Instead of thinking about her, I thought about high school.

I thought about how simple my life used to be.

I wasn't sure what lap I was on when I stopped, bending over and putting my hands on my knees. I felt a hand on my shoulder after a few moments and I looked to my right to see the tall drink of arrogance that I'd been sleeping with for far too long. He raised an eyebrow. "Is it your intention to run until you puke?"

I picked his hand up off of my shoulder and let it drop by his side. "My intention was to block out anything and everything around me, including you. If you'll excuse me."

He slid in front of me, sighing. "Come on Dani, you're still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad, Gavin, you just annoy me."

"Why?"

"Maybe because your ego is bigger than Kanye's, and that's saying something."

"It's not that big."

"You are literally unable to wrap your head around that fact that I don't want to have sex with you, to the point where it's a little sad, Gavin."

He ran a hand through his hair. "That has nothing to do with my ego, that has more do to with the fact that we've been sleeping together for a long time and all of the sudden you don't want to anymore out of no where? I'd just like to know why."

"Cause you're annoying," I said, rolling my eyes and pushing past him. I was a mess after running for so long; I was sweating, my hair was falling out of my ponytail, my clothes were clinging to my body, and all I wanted in that moment was a hot shower. But Gavin had other plans.

"Hey, wait up," he called, jogging after me. "I'm sorry, you're right, I've been a little.." Gavin smirked. "Well, I've been a little bit more of myself. I can filter myself again if you'd like."

"No need," I responded. "I have to go."

"Now wait a minute, I came over here for a reason, you know. You near ran yourself to death just now. What's going on?"

"Since when do you want to talk?"

"Since I'm not allowed to strip you and not talk anymore. We were friends first, remember? Besides, Ella's out of town so I'm the only one you can talk to about whatever's on your mind."

"There's that ego again."

He shook his head. "That's not my ego, that's the truth. Dani, come on, what's up?"

I sighed. "Nothing I want to talk to you about, Gav."

He nodded. "Fine, I get that, but I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. Come get a drink with me tonight."

"It's Monday."

"So?"

"So I have to work tomorrow."

"I'm not asking you to come get wasted with me, Dani. One drink, and if you don't want to talk about whatever's going on in your head right now, we don't have to."

I gestured to my body but he stepped forward. "And before you make excuses, I don't mind waiting for you to shower and I know you have other clothes in that bag of yours. Come on Dani, one drink."

I sighed.

"Fine."

****

Being in a bar suddenly felt like such a disgusting thing. It reminded me of all the things I didn't want to think about. It reminded me of the night Beca and I met. It reminded me of all the other times she'd probably been in a bar to drink and fuck and forget about the problems in her life. I couldn't even bring myself to buy a beer because that bottle meant something different to me than it did to her. For me that beer bottle resembled a little under ten years of partying and letting lose and having fun. For her it was an escape from the pain and the abuse and the grief she felt for her family.

That made me sick.

Gavin talked a lot while I sipped my glass of water and thought. He knew I wasn't paying very close attention but in some weird way it did help, and I think he knew me well enough to assume that.

"Something weird happened the other day," he said. "We couldn't identify the body of this one victim, assault, I think, so we sent it off to the lab. And I had this thought, that, I don't know, you'd still be there, and you'd ID the girl, and you'd tell me first and I'd finally win my boss over...."

Gavin's voice seemed to fade away. I heard two words; that was it. Victim. Assault. Those two simple words hadn't meant much to me just a few years ago. I'd hear them and think: another body to ID, another long day at work. It wasn't about them. It wasn't about how they had died, or who they had been before their heart stopped. What they had done, or who they'd made an impact on.

It was just a job.

Beca placed an entirely new meaning to those two words. It should've already meant something to me. I stared at new lifeless faces every day for a year and somehow it didn't bother me until it became personal, until my mom died. That's how the world works, isn't it? Nobody gives a shit until it affects them.

"Dani, you alright?"

I shook my head, my hand in my hair. I felt horrible. Suddenly all of my emotions had completely taken over me. For a minute, I felt like I was part of the reason that Beca was home with Brian now. That I contributed to the fact that people like Beca, innocent fucking people, got hurt.

My inner maniac then switched sides. Beca left. I did everything I could to stop her from going, and she left. If she got hurt, it wasn't my fault. I had tried.

I ran my hand up the length of my face, my thumbs pressing into my skin. I was driving myself crazy, all because of something so utterly meaningless that Gavin had said. But the word victim did mean something to me, I realized. All I could think of was Beca. Of what she'd been through, what she had yet to go through. And all of that, every part of her, meant something to me.

"Gav," I finally whispered, "I am anything but alright."

He stared for a moment, then moved forward. I almost, for a split second, expected him to kiss me. He didn't, simply wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. "I don't know what's going on, Dani, but if you want to talk about it, we can."

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I don't," I whispered, "I just—"

My voice fell flat. Without Gavin in my line of vision, my eyes had the gracious opportunity of landing on her. Beca sat there, a beer in her right hand, four empty ones next to her. She finished it, then called for another, and while I sensed the bartender was hesitant, he brought her one anyway. Sadness overwhelmed me for a few seconds. She'd gone back to drowning out the pain in alcohol. God, I thought, had he hurt her already? It'd barely been two weeks.

I guess that was enough for him.

I pulled back from Gavin, debating on whether or not to stay put or talk to her. I watched a woman, a little taller than her, brown hair, red lipstick, short skirt, walk over and slip into the adjacent seat. The sadness quickly vanished as I watched the two speak for a minute. The woman disappeared, then came back a few moments later like she was suddenly ready to go. She stood behind Beca, running her hands down both of her arms and whispering into her ear. My grip on my own beer tightened so much that I thought I'd break the glass. Gavin must've thought so too because he quickly pried it from my hands and stared at me like I'd suddenly lost my mind.

Beca had her head tilted down, so I couldn't quite see her face or what she was feeling. All I knew was that she was drunk. I watched the woman's lips move from Beca's ear to the back of her neck and I heard her say, "No thanks... really not feeling it." But the woman didn't budge; instead she continued placing kisses across Beca's neck until she'd turned her around and found her lips. Beca hesitated. She just sat there for a while as the woman kissed her. Then something shifted. She kissed her back.

"Dani," Gavin said, watching Beca. "I think we should go." He tugged on my arm. "Come on, we can go back to your place and watch those boring ass science documentaries you like—"

I shook him off of me. "I'm not going anywhere."

Beca set her beer down, her hands running through the woman's hair. She took money out of her wallet and threw it on the counter, sending pain straight through my heart. Myself and all the other women she'd probably slept with were exactly the fucking same. I suddenly felt so stupid for believing that I meant something to her. She used me to get rid of her pain and then I forced her to stay in my apartment. I forced her to; otherwise she'd have been long gone. She'd probably have dropped my class and never looked back.

I meant absolutely nothing. How could I possibly think otherwise?

Beca and the other woman stood and started towards the door. I started to get up too, but Gavin held me back. "You'll regret it."

"I probably will," I said. "But I can't just let her leave."

"She doesn't belong to you, Dani. If she wants to go home with that woman, she's fully entitled to."

I whirled around and watched Gavin's eyes flood with the knowledge of what was about to come. He'd just sparked something inside of me, and now my desire to stop her from leaving was a thousand times worse. "She is not entitled to! I don't care if we're not dating, she's not! You don't understand Gavin. You just don't."

"I do Dani." He sighed. "It's like how I felt you and I were exclusive when we weren't, and deep down I knew that I couldn't fault you for sleeping with other people because you weren't doing anything wrong. She's not either, and it's not up to you to decide who she sleeps with."

I watched Beca trip a couple of times on her way towards the door and shook my head. "If she was sober, then maybe it'd be a different story. But I'm not gonna sit here and watch that woman take advantage of her."

I ran towards the door and out into the parking lot, where I saw Beca stumbling towards the woman's car. I doubted she'd ever gotten this drunk before. The pain seemed worse than ever, and I considered for a moment that I had something to do with that. The thought gave me enough courage to run over and grab her arm, pulling her towards me.

"Is this fun for you, Beca?" She slowly turned around, her eyes gradually meeting mine. "Doing the same thing over and over? You left me for my own good, yet here you are doing the same thing with someone else? I don't get it."

"There's nothing to get," she said tiredly. "This is my life. My mind isn't something for you to figure out. I do what the fuck I want and surprise, right now? What I want isn't you. Just go home Dani."

I took a step back, hurt. It was so damn easy for her to hurt me, I realized. So damn easy. She'd probably never understand the power that she had over me. "You can honestly tell me that what you want is her?"

The woman put her hand on her hip and narrowed her eyes. "Well she's going home with me, isn't she? Jealousy's a bitch, honey, but it's certainly no way to get a girl back." Her arms snaked around Beca's waist. "Can we go?" She looked at me. "Somethin tells me you don't want to deal with this."

Beca nodded, slowly turning away from me. I stopped her again, this time pulling her closer. Her eyes locked into mine, and I barely breathed. "Do you even care how much you're hurting me?"

My question seemed to sober her a bit. "Hurting you? You don't care. All you ever do is push me away."

"How could you ever think I don't care after..." My voiced seemed to die. "Beca... I told you about my mom."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh boo hoo." I forced myself not to care; she was beyond drunk. If she was sober, none of this would be happening right now, and she certainly wouldn't have rolled her eyes. "Give me a fucking break. I told you about my mom. And my dad. And my baby sister. Four months ago."

"So what?" I practically screamed. My heart felt so heavy and the tears were digging knives into my eyes, begging to be set free. Beca stared at me for a moment, before stepping forward and placing a hand on my chest. "Please.. just go." She pushed. "I left for a reason."

She turned and guided the woman towards the car. "Because you didn't want anyone to get hurt!" I shouted after her, "so what the fuck are you doing now?"

For a moment, she stopped completely. I watched her fists tighten, and heard her release a heavy breath. As soon as I was sure she still planned on getting in that car, I did something that I probably shouldn't have.

"She's not twenty-one," I said loud enough for the woman to hear. "She's seventeen. She's a liar."

The woman stopped cold in her tracks, one hand on the door handle of her car. She looked over at Beca. "Is that true?"

Beca stared at her, then groaned, kicking the pebbles beside her feet in frustration. "Well go on. Just leave already. But don't kid yourself; you never believed I was twenty one anyway."

She stepped away from the car, towards me, and watched the woman process what she'd said. Eventually she got in her car and drove away, probably annoyed with the realization that what Beca had said was true. I think even some part of me knew she was lying that night. There was just that something about her... with those sparkling eyes and that smirk of hers, she could convince anyone to do anything.

Beca started laughing then, breaking my train of thought. Really laughing, like someone had just told the funniest joke in the world. "Do you realize," she said, still chuckling, "that you're the biggest hypocrite I think I've ever met?" When I didn't respond, she said, "If I ever did something like this to you, do you know what you'd do? You wouldn't talk to me for fucking months. Months, Dani. I want you to think about that for me. Just for a second." She laughed again. "Sort of a funny thing, isn't it?"

Deep down I knew she was right, but I still tried to hold onto the belief that what I had done was somehow justified, even though I knew it wasn't. "Are you going to let me take you home or not?"

"Do I really have a choice?" she answered.

"No, Beca. Don't make me drag you."

She smirked. "You're gonna drag me, huh?"

"Yeah, I will if I have to."

We stood there in a stand-off sort of position, my arms folded across my chest while Beca stood across from me with her hand on her hip, amused. "Aren't you pissed at me or something?"

"Yeah. I'm infuriated," I said. "I still want to know you get home safely."

"What difference does it make anyway when home's not safe?"

I sighed. I felt every inch of distance between us. Your home is with me, I thought. And it is safe. But I didn't say it, because I was mad at her and she was drunk nonetheless. I doubted she'd even remember tonight.

"Can we just go, please?"

"You're gonna have to drag me," she said, smiling. I rolled my eyes and started towards her, but she only continued to back up until she was pressed against the hood of someone else's car. We stayed like that for a while, fighting with each other, her giggling the whole time like it was some big joke. After a while I finally got her wrists pinned down against the hood. She raised her eyebrows. "So you got me. What now?"

"Stop fighting me, Beca."

She lifted her face a little, her eyes twinkling in the reflection of the lamplight. I knew if it came down to that, I could just pick her up by her legs, throw her over my shoulder and take her home.

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