Chapter Thirty One

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Days began to pass, and those days turned to weeks. I would spend Monday through Friday waking up next to Penny and eating breakfast with eleven other girls who hated me. School provided me with a break from them, only it wasn't really a break because everyone there stared and whispered too. I spent my lunches with Dani, who always tried to cheer me up and succeeded better than Andy, Lucy or Damon ever could, but never really managed to lift my spirits.

I appreciated every time she made an effort to make me smile. I appreciated her being there for me to talk to when I needed, but also being there to give me a hug and not talk when I didn't need to. I had tried to explain to her what I was feeling because I knew she had no idea, but I had trouble putting it into words. It was as if a dark cloud followed me everywhere, and while sometimes, very few times the sun broke through, most of the time it was pouring and the thunder never stopped.

Despite my efforts to explain it, I didn't think Dani truly understood. It wasn't her fault and it didn't bother me, in fact, I was glad she didn't know what it felt like to never get a break. Still, sometimes I thought that it'd be easier if she did because she'd understand that telling me everything would be okay didn't always make me feel better. Granted, most of the time it did give me a little bit of reassurance because it was coming from her and strangely enough, I almost believed it when it came out of her mouth. But I'd been told that it would all be okay a countless number of times, each and every time I was dropped off at a new foster home.

And it was never okay.

Quickly, January became a memory. February began to pass and nothing seemed to change in my favor. Finding my sister was still just a dream. Brian still existed in my head. I still dreaded weekdays but I had come to realize how important my weekends were. Weekends were the short period of time where I could be with the one person who made all of this bearable for longer than an hour.

The first weekend in February started like all of the rest. I woke up in half of an embrace, one of Dani's arms wrapped around my waist and the other over her head. Somehow my nightmares were worse than they had been before Brian was arrested, but the plus side to waking up at four in the morning on weekends was that it gave me time to admire all of her beautiful features.

Izzy came over for a little while, of course, and Saturday night I spent on Dani's laptop while she scrolled through the channels on tv and tried to make conversation that would cheer me up. I hadn't gotten mad in a while, and I was hoping it would stay that way until at least Brian's trial, until she scrolled past a channel that caught my attention.

"Woah woah," I stopped her, pushing the laptop off of my thighs and trying to grab the remote. She had seen exactly what I had seen and she held it back. "Dani, change it back."

"I don't know where the remote is."

"It's in your fucking hand," I said, climbing on top of her and prying it from her hands. "Stop trying to protect me, I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

I turned back to the news channel to see microphones being shoved into Sara's face.
I fell back into the couch, letting my legs rest on Dani's thighs as I stared intently at the screen. "Is it true that you're not only Rebecca's adoptive mother, but her step mother too?"

Sara covered her face, pushing her way to her car. "I... was before her parents passed away."

I narrowed my eyes, meeting Dani's. "Tell me she didn't just announce that my parents are dead to the entire fucking world...." I swallowed, whispering, "Tell me she didn't..."

The reporter spoke, "How long has your husband been abusing your adoptive daughter?"

"We've only been her adoptive parents for two years."

"So you admit that Brian is abusive?"

"No! Look you've been outside my house for the past two weeks and I can't take it anymore! Have some human decency and for the love of god leave me the hell alone."

"With all due respect Mrs. Harrison, I don't think I'm the one lacking human decency, that's sounds to me like your husband."

"This is all a big misunderstanding! Jesus Christ move out of the way and let me go to the damn store!"

"So you think your husband was wrongfully accused?"

"I... think all of this could have been avoided."

"How do you think it makes your daughter feel to know that you're taking his side over hers?"

"I'm not taking sides damnit! I love them both!"

With that, Sara decided she was officially fed up. She pushed past the reporter, pulling her car door open and setting off down the road. I knew the broadcast wasn't live because whenever it had been recorded, it was still light outside. Nevertheless, it had my blood boiling. I had to give a little bit of props to the reporter because she seemed to have bias in my favor, which I admittedly enjoyed, but I was beyond pissed off at Sara.

I let myself fall back, exhaling and staring at the ceiling. "Sara just told everyone in two minutes what it took me three months to tell you in confidence.." I scoffed, "Is she even allowed to do that?"

"Well," Dani sighed, scooting over and rubbing her neck. "Yeah."

"Defend Brian, lie to me about my dead sister, tell the entire world that I'm an orphan, is there anything she can't do?"

"Find her heart," she muttered. "Or her sensibility for that matter."

I blinked a few times, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that when I went back into school on Monday, not only would everyone know that I had been abused, but they'd also know that my parents had passed away. Dani's face popped into my line of sight as she peered down at me, her eyes laced with concern. "Are you okay?"

"No," I sighed. "As if I needed more pity from every. single. soul. that walks past me in school."

"Would you be totally against me talking to the other teachers?"

I looked at her with curiosity. "What for?"

She shrugged. "I've... seen how they look at you and I know you get it enough from your peers, you don't need it from them too."

"I thought you hate talking to people."

"I'm not a huge fan," she answered, making a bit of an effort to replace the frown on her face. "But I think I can manage if it'll make your life a little easier."

I brushed the hair out of my face, nodding slightly. "Knock yourself out, but I don't know if there's anything you can possibly say to change the way they see me now. The most you can do is keep that damn look off your own face, please."

She shook her head, her brow creasing. "I don't look at you like that... do I?"

"No, thankfully. But let's keep it that way. You're the only break I get." I tried to smile a bit. "And Izzy, but it's like, even Adrianna and Jake pity me. I see it all the time."

"I know how it makes you feel Beca and I'll do what I can to eliminate some of it, but it is the most natural human response to something like this."

"I know, I just wish it wasn't. I almost look forward to leave school so I can go home to people who don't pity me."

The doubt was heavy in her voice. "Really?"

"Well yeah," I responded. "For a few minutes. And then I get home and realize how stupid I was to wish that upon myself."

She met my eyes, searching them and biting her cheek as if she was refraining herself from saying something. I sighed, "What?"

"I don't want to push you.. I just.. you know I'm here, right? If you... want to talk.. about.."

"I don't," I stopped her, and seeing her frown, I sat up and tried to erase it by pressing my lips to hers. She relaxed and kissed me back before pulling away and eyeing me. I spoke, "But thank you for being here anyway."

She smirked. "Here in my apartment? You're very welcome."

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I meant. You're here for me, regardless of location. I know I don't really show it and I'm sorry for brushing you off so often. I do appreciate you being there to talk."

"Well that's my job."

"Wow that's romantic. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside—"

She smiled, "There's also no where I'd rather be than here to talk."

"It's too late now."

"I figured, but I had to at least try to save myself," she said. I let my lips twitch upwards slightly, peering up at her through heavy eyelids. Not that she wasn't always, but her beauty was particularly striking tonight and I wanted desperately to take that next step, but my mind and body wouldn't let me. I knew that if we simply slowed the pace down, I probably wouldn't freak out like I had last time. But that wasn't my problem. My problem was that even if I wanted her, I knew I wouldn't be one hundred percent there. I was too glum to put my heart and soul into an amazing night with her.

And I hated that.

"Stop thinking whatever it is that you're thinking right now."

I stopped looking through her and searched her eyes before looking down. "I was thinking about you."

"Well that doesn't make me feel too great considering the very obvious frown on your face. I know what you were thinking."

"How—"

She lowered her face to mine, muffling my question as she pressed our lips together. She pulled back and spoke, "Because I'm pretty decent at reading you now. Stop thinking about what we can't do and start thinking about what we can do. We can sit here and enjoy our Saturday night together, can't we?"

I sighed, shifting slightly so that I was resting in between her arm and chest. "Yeah," I muttered. I tried to forget about Sara, about Brian and Daya and about Quinn because thinking about them did me no good, especially not if I wanted to enjoy my night.

"I guess we can."

****

Going back to school on Monday had been absolutely dreadful. Maybe I should've been happy that people 'cared' enough to tell me they were sorry to hear about my parents' death, but I wasn't. It was all I heard all day long and by the time school was over, I was ready to pull my hair out. I had never been more grateful to have to go to work because if I didn't, I'd have to go home to Daya, and I just didn't think I could do that after such a long day.

But that week, each and every day when I returned home from work, Daya poked and prodded at me, just desperate for me to burst.

"Your mom was on the news the other day."

I had been getting ready to shower, and I continued to look through my things as I muttered, "That's funny, cause I'm pretty sure my mother's dead."

"Don't be so damn bitter, I was just making conversation with you. Let me ask you something, why are you dragging this thing out if Brian didn't even do anything? I mean come on, his wife that lives with him said that this is all a big misunderstanding. Doesn't that say something?"

"It says that she's an asshole and clearly cares very little about me."

"She said she loves you."

"People say a lot of things. You like to say you're a good person." I flashed her a sarcastic smile. "Doesn't mean it's true."

"I'd just like to point out that I'm not the one making this conversation hostile." She appeared thoughtful. "I always thought Quinn was the bitter one of you two. Guess I was wrong."

I had been literally in the doorway of the bathroom at that point and I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around slowly, narrowing my eyes at her. "What the fuck is your problem, Daya? Quinn has no business being in this conversation and you know that. What the hell did I ever do to you?"

The smug, light-hearted look on her face was replaced with a snarl. She stepped forward, pushing me back against the wall. "You made me look weak, in front of everyone."

"That sounds like a you problem to me."

"Yeah well it sounds like a you problem to me because she's not here to protect you anymore."

My back was flattened against the wall and I took a few breaths. I knew that I could knock her down again, just like I had the last time she pushed my final button, but I needed to keep my calm. If I got in another fight, Jane would ground me and I wouldn't be able to see Dani on the weekends.

"I don't need Quinn to protect me Daya. I'm not the same defenseless little girl you knew three years ago."

"Maybe," she responded, "But you'll break."

She had walked away that Monday night, but proceeded to taunt me throughout the week. I had patience and I'd built up a tolerance for people like her. I knew I could handle it. It was only when Friday night came around and I got home from work that I felt my patience completely wearing thin.

I was downstairs looking through the fridge for any scraps of leftovers that I could find when I felt her presence behind me. I turned around, sighing. "Do we have to do this tonight?"

She held her hands up. "I'm just getting a glass of water."

I picked up the container of food in the fridge and turned around, headed for the stairs. "Hey you know you're not allowed to take food out of the kitchen."

I slowly turned around, narrowing my eyes. "Really?"

"Have a seat, stay a while, let's chat."

"Let's not," I responded, putting the container back in the fridge. She put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me from going anywhere. "I want to apologize."

I quirked an eyebrow, the doubt heavy in my voice. "Is that right?"

She nodded, moving her hair over to one side and rubbing her neck. "Yeah I've been a bit of a bitch this past week. I don't like that you're on the same level as me now, you know? It lowers my credibility in this fucked up place."

I eyed her, wondering what the hell was happening. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that she was owning up to her mistakes and being honest with me. Even so, I found myself desperately hoping that this would be the end of the taunting. I was convinced that if she brought up Quinn even once more, I'd break. "Sure Daya."

"No come on I mean it. I'm sorry. I won't mention Quinn anymore, I know she's a touchy subject." She paused. "Eat, okay? We can have a civilized conversation without wringing each other's necks."

I hesitantly sat down. There was barely anything in my stomach and I knew I needed to eat. She spoke up, "When do you get out?"

"End of March...." I muttered, reluctantly adding, "You?"

"In about a week, actually."

I raised my eyebrows. "You got a plan?"

She waved her hand. "Oh you know, prostitution, join a gang, the usual."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay now how about a real answer?"

"I have a pretty shitty cousin up in Maine that I can stay with for a couple of weeks. Dunno how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do after that, but it's a start."

"Have any siblings?"

She frowned slightly. "Yeah, a brother. He's fifteen. We got separated... I've been trying to keep tabs on him but I'm not entirely sure where he is now. It sucks because you know how bad some of those foster homes can be, but I mean... at least he's... alive."

My eyes slowly raised to hers and she was quick to make another comment. "That wasn't a jab at you, I'm sorry about your sister."

I sunk back into my chair, sighing. "Actually she's alive."

"Hey no way, that's awesome."

"Sure," I mumbled, "It would be if I knew anything about her. I don't know if she's adopted and I can't find her under her birth surname so, in other words, I'll probably never see her again."

"That... sucks. I'm sure you'll find her though. And hey, who knows, maybe she'll find you."

"I doubt she even knows I'm alive."

She walked over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table. "Don't think like that, with all the media coverage your case has been getting, I'm sure she knows you're alive." She paused, thinking. "I mean Brian's business is big. I'm sure everyone all over the country knows about it. That means that they probably know he was arrested, and they probably know who you are."

I had no idea if she was doing it intentionally, but she had gotten inside my head. I knew that what she was saying was probably true. If it was, why hadn't Mackenzie reached out me? The news had given so much of my personal information to the public, she had to know who I was.

Why hadn't she tried to contact me by now?

I started shaking my head, "That might not be the case..."

She closed more of the distance between us. "No, but think about it. If she knows who you are, why hasn't she tried to contact you?" She met my eyes. "Maybe she just doesn't want to."

"Daya—"

"I'm just saying, maybe she doesn't care enough to, you know, reunite with you." She was behind me now, practically whispering in my ear. "I mean... Quinn certainly didn't care enough about you to stick around—"

My seat flew back and my fist and her jaw had connected before I even knew what was happening. She said she wasn't going to bring up Quinn again. I had known there was no way she was telling the truth, but it didn't help. I was crushed by the thought that my sister could know where I was and still not want to meet me, but adding Quinn's death on top of that was the final straw.

She cried out, stumbling back and dramatically slamming into the wall. The house practically shook, and before I knew it, feet were pounding down the stairs and Jane was between the two of us, a furious expression on her face. "What the hell is going on?"

"She... she punched me!" Daya cried, feigning hurt. I knew I could probably do some real damage but she was being over dramatic on purpose, and unfortunately, Jane didn't pick up on it.

The other girls were pounding down the steps and filling the room, looking from me to Daya. Jane payed no attention to them and turned to me. "Beca," she snapped, "I thought you knew better than that after last time. Violence is not tolerated in my house."

"S-She's been taunting me all week! Come on Jane!"

"No, I don't want to hear it. There's nothing that Daya could have said that meant you needed to punch her in the face. Words are just words, Beca. You know what this means."

"But Jane—"

"I said I don't want to hear it." She shook her head, sighing. "I expected more than this from you."

I tightened my fists, glancing at the door. It was late but I knew I couldn't really get in more trouble than I was already in, and I needed to stay with Dani for one more night before I was grounded for good. I glanced at Daya, then the girls, and then Jane, before darting out the door and down the street. I could hear her calling after me but I didn't listen. I kept running and I didn't stop until I made it to Dani's building an hour later.

I knocked relentlessly until she swung the door open and seeing her face, I suddenly didn't want to be at her door anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with her, but I didn't want to tell her that I had gotten into a fight and I couldn't handle her being disappointed in me. I tried to turn away and start down the stairs but she reached out to me, pulling me into her apartment. "Woah, not so fast." She tilted my chin up, looking at me worriedly. "What's going on?"

"I fucked up..." I whispered, refusing to meet her eyes.

"What did you do?" she asked softly.

"I don't want to talk about it right this second...." I shook my head. "Please just... just hold me

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