~Dani~

I despised not being in control of my emotions, which had made the past couple of years dreadful for me. I was unhappy, and I truly wanted that to change but I just couldn't force myself to do anything to make that change happen.

For a split second while Beca was kissing me, I thought I felt the same happiness that always seemed to escape me. It was different than the night she had stumbled back to my apartment drunk, because she didn't know what she was doing then and she still didn't even know that that had happened. But yesterday night, she knew exactly what she was doing. She kissed me, and now whether it was intentional on her part or not, it was driving me insane.

I wasn't even sure if there were names for all of the emotions that I was feeling. After that momentary happiness, I felt regretful, because I had just kissed my student again. I felt angry because I hated how easily Beca was able to do this to me, and she didn't even realize it. I felt disappointed, because I knew that even though she had kissed me, nothing was different. Honestly, we both still had major problems, she was still my seventeen year old student, and there were still way too many other things that I needed to be focused on.

And then there was that small, almost non-existent sliver of hope, even though I had no idea what I was supposed to be hopeful for.

I poured my coffee into a mug and sat down at the island in my kitchen, shifting slightly to see Beca sleeping on the couch, and though I truly wished I could say peacefully, I couldn't. Even with the distance between us, I could just make out the sweat on her forehead and I was faintly aware of the fact that her body was shaking.

The sight made me almost hate myself for even having the audacity to be mad at her, because even though I didn't know exactly what she was going through, I could imagine. I knew she had dealt with so much more than any teenager should have to, and I guessed that she was lonely. She had convinced herself that she couldn't form meaningful relationships with people, but I imagined that I might have falsely diminished a bit of that loneliness last night. Beca didn't want to be around me because of Brian, but I was forcing her to be, and I was truly afraid that she was filling the void in her life with me.

I couldn't fill that void.

I didn't know Beca well, but I honestly didn't think that anyone in her life did, which was one of the reasons this was so difficult for me. I knew she didn't really have anyone else, and even though I kind of wanted to be, I couldn't be the person that she could finally trust in. I just couldn't be that person, for more than one reason. I didn't want to be mad at her for kissing me, and I didn't want to blame her for breaking me down so easily.

But the truth was, I was mad at her because of the state that she had left me in.

She shifted on the couch, her breathing becoming heavier as I watched her flinch multiple times. I looked down, unable to watch her struggle with whatever it was that she struggled with when she went to sleep. I considered just waking her up, but before I could think anymore about it, she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, shaking. She wiped the sweat off of her forehead and tried to steady her breathing, looking absolutely exhausted.

And all I could fucking do was sit at the kitchen counter and watch.

After a few moments, she released herself and sunk against the couch, her eyes moving around the room until they met mine. She was broken right now, but I couldn't deny the need to distance myself. I had gotten too friendly with her, and I knew she needed someone, but it couldn't be me.

I adverted my eyes and stood up, entering my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I showered and after a while of sitting on my bed, trying not to think about her, I realized I actually did have to face her today because we needed to be at the school in twenty minutes.

I re-opened my bedroom door to see her standing in the middle of my living room, pulling the shirt she had slept in over her head and tossing it in her bag. My eyes traced the outlines of her back until she slipped a plain black sweater over her head and turned around.

"I hate to make things worse," she muttered, picking up her school bag and slinging it over her shoulder. "But standing there, literally watching me get dressed kind of sends me mixed messages."

I didn't have a response, so I chose to ignore her and walk to my front door to pick up my keys. "Let's go."

She frowned noticeably and followed me out the door, eventually slipping into the passenger seat of my car. The tension between us was almost suffocating, and I could tell that she was upset by how I had reacted, but there was nothing I could do.

Not far from the school, she decided that silence was no longer necessary. "So how did you sleep?" When I didn't look at her, nor respond for that matter, she spoke up again, frowning. "Well this weekend should be blast."

I sighed internally and pulled into my parking space. I didn't know what to say to her because I was beyond conflicted. I wanted to talk to her, and laugh, and being truthful, I wanted to kiss her, but that didn't matter. Not when what we were doing was illegal.

Not when I wasn't even in the right state of mind to begin with.

Beca got the point and walked away from me, and even though she seemed annoyed and upset, there was something in her expression that almost looked like... relief.

I forced myself to clear my head and get through the day. I was beyond thankful that it Friday because I needed the time away from school. My emotions were running too rampant, and even if I had them under control on the outside, I felt so confused. The confusion certainly didn't help my ability to teach.

When the last bell rang, I locked my classroom and waited by the main entrance for Beca. I honestly could do without another suffocating car ride with her, but I wasn't just going to leave her here considering I knew she didn't have to work today or tomorrow. I noticed her walking down the hallway with Lucy, and I almost rolled my eyes. That was the thing about all of this; she didn't understand that kissing me affected me tremendously, and it probably didn't mean anything to her. I was merely the best option because I was the only one that she couldn't push away.

Right?

The two walked within earshot and I heard Lucy speak, "So are you free tonight? We could go see that new movie that came out yesterday, if you want."

Beca frowned. "I can't, I have to work. I'm sorry, maybe another time?"

Lucy's eyebrows furrowed but Beca didn't give her the chance to ask anymore questions; she nodded once and then met my eyes, brushing past me out into the parking lot. I watched a dazed Lucy stand in the lobby for a moment, watching Beca strut away, until she shook herself off and turned in a different direction. I tightened my grip on the quizzes in my hand and made my way to my car, where Beca stood leaning against it.

"I kind of figured you'd leave without me."

"Contrary to popular belief, Beca, I'm not a complete asshole. I'm not going to make you walk for no reason."

"Shit, you're talking?" She raised an eyebrow. "Well that's something, I guess."

"You don't have to work today," I stated, making sure no one was around before I gestured for Beca to get in the car as I did the same and quickly pulled away from the school.

"What is your point?"

"Why did you lie to Lucy?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business. Look, you can choose to close yourself off again or whatever it is that you're doing because of yesterday night, but you don't get to just change your mind when you're curious about something. I'm pretty sure that's not how shutting someone out works."

"I'm not shutting you out, Beca, I'm establishing boundaries."

She forced a laugh, rolling her eyes and looking out the window. "If you think so."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It's not supposed to mean anything. Establishing boundaries would be telling me not to kiss you again, not giving me the silent treatment and looking at me like I just killed your cat for the entirety of third period."

I stared at her for a few moments before adverting my eyes back to the road and sighing. Again, I didn't have an answer. Part of me knew she was right; I didn't have to ignore her, I just had to make sure she knew that I couldn't be close to her.

But she had told me, on multiple occasions, that she didn't want me or anybody for that matter to grow close to her.

So then why had she kissed me?

***

It turned out that establishing boundaries was a hell of a lot harder than I anticipated, especially because Beca was living with me, sleeping in my bed, and eating my food, and I couldn't tell her not to. I couldn't unless I wanted her to live with Brian, and I definitely did not want that.

It was particularly difficult because she wouldn't leave me alone, especially because she knew I was trying to distance myself. It only seemed to serve her purpose to talk to me more, and I wished that I'd had somewhere to go on Saturday instead of having to spend it being endlessly pestered. Beca wouldn't accept the fact that I needed things to change between us, if not for my safety than for my mental stability. I didn't understand why she was trying so hard to get rid of the tension between us when she was the one who was constantly telling me that she couldn't allow herself to grow close to anyone.

Shouldn't this have been easier for her? If she was afraid that Brian would hurt those associated with her, why did she suddenly seem insistent on associating herself with me?

Adrianna texted me late on Saturday night, saying that she really needed me to watch Izzy, and I knew that she would be here soon to drop her daughter off. Beca was in the shower and I was typing up my lesson plans for the upcoming week, trying not to let my boredom get the best of me but failing miserably. I wasn't really interested in finding pointless things to pack our schedule with just so that my supervisor was satisfied, but I didn't really have a choice unless I wanted to be out of a job.

I wasn't interested in making my lesson plans period, but that was beside the point.

Beca walked out of my bedroom then, running her fingers through her blown dry hair. I tried not to let my eyes wander but there was just something about her that captured my attention in the most annoying way possible.

Would it have been too much to ask for her to be unattractive?

"You look miserable."

I sighed, resting my cheek on my palm as I pressed the arrow key on my laptop multiple times. My expression changed a little bit but I refrained from answering her. I could guarantee that she only had so much patience; I hated doing it but maybe if I blew her off enough, I wouldn't have to worry about her feeling comfortable enough to make another advance on me.

She groaned, "Seriously, can you please act like an adult and get over it?"

I raised an eyebrow, turning to her to see her grabbing a mug from my cabinet. "Excuse me?"

"Look," she sighed, shaking her head and turning to me. "I get that I made you uncomfortable, and for that I really am sorry, but you have to know that ignoring me isn't going to do anything to change what's already happened."

"I'm not trying to change what happened," I mumbled. "I'm trying to prevent it from happening again."

She set her mug down and walked over to me, forcing me to actually look in her direction. "Dani this is ridiculous, can't I just give you my word that I'm not going to kiss you again so we can call it a day and go back to normal?"

I shook my head, closing my laptop. "Beca, this is not the first time that you've kissed me."

"Well no shit captain obvious, I'm pretty sure we've already established the fact that we've slept together."

"No," I said, sighing. "I mean after that. On the night that you got wasted, I was putting you to bed and you kissed me. This is the second time Beca, and you really need to understand that I can't just drop it and pretend like everything is fine."

She stayed quiet for a moment, clearly taking in the information that I had just told her. Finally she spoke. "Look what's done is done, you've said so yourself. I didn't even know that I kissed you and you certainly didn't tell me not to do it again, did you?"

I opened my mouth to speak, before realizing I didn't have an answer to her question. Beca raised an eyebrow, but I stayed silent. "Exactly," she said. "Dani, I get that you're my teacher but you need to stop overreacting. Like you said, it's not like this is the first time."

"How is that supposed to make me feel better? The fact that this is the third time is really, really bad Beca."

She shook her head. "I'm not trying to make you feel better, I'm trying to get you to understand that you're dealing with this situation wrong."

"And how do you suggest I deal with the situation?"

The brunette turned away from me, hardly muttering, "I don't know, maybe by taking some responsibility for yourself instead of blaming it all on me, which is clearly what you're doing."

"You want me to take responsibility for myself?"

She looked back at me, almost dumb-founded. "You don't seriously believe that I'm at fault for the fact that we've kissed multiple times, do you?"

"You kissed me," I retorted, pausing before adding, "Both times!"

"Yeah? And did I hold you down and force you not to stop me?"

I was almost quick to spit something back, but then I took in the truth of her words and sunk into the stool. I had let her kiss me, twice. And the truth was, I let her because I didn't want to stop her. It was wrong, and Beca and I would never be more than, at the very most, the weirdest friends ever. But the fact that she was young, my student, and probably only interested in me because I was one of, if not the only person that didn't allow her to close herself off, didn't help me to deny my attraction towards her. I was attracted to Gavin but with Beca it was so much different, and it confused me and intrigued me all at the same time.

But mostly it just made it clearer in my mind that I needed to stay away from her, because I really hated the fact that she had such a strong hold on my emotions.

The doorbell rang then and I took it as my opportunity to leave the kitchen, with Beca in it. "That's perfect," she muttered, shaking her head and sliding onto the stool I had just been using. I sighed and opened the door, seeing Adrianna with Izzy in her arms.

"I'm sorry baby, I know I said we were going to go today, but this is important."

"It's okay," Izzy said, kissing Adrianna's cheek in response.

Adrianna made eye contact with me before looking at her daughter. "How much do I love you?"

Izzy grinned. "A lot."

Dri poked Izzy's side and shifted her in her arms, smiling. "But how much?"

Her daughter giggled, making a hand gesture with her hands. "This much. I know mommy, I love you too."

She set Izzy down and we both watched as the seven year old scurried into my kitchen to greet Beca. Adrianna quirked an eyebrow at me. "Well you look joyful."

"Don't I always?"

"Especially joyful," she corrected herself, the sarcasm in her tone evident. "What's wrong with you?" Before I could answer, she added, "Aside from the usual."

"Nothing," I muttered, to which she glanced over my shoulder, presumably eyeing Beca. She re-directed her glance toward me. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Something like that."

"Come on," Adrianna groaned, watching Beca interact with Izzy. "I already know that you apparently don't have age limits anymore, why can't you talk to me?"

"Well, could be because you're kind of annoying, judgy, really bad at respecting the fact that my personal life is personal-"

"True, true, and you're my sister, there's no such thing as being too intrusive."

"I really beg to differ."

"You can ask me anything you want and I'll be truthful with you, all I ask is that you maybe let me into your life a little bit. Is that really too much to ask?"

"Kind of. You're telling me that I could ask you anything without making you uncomfortable?"

She shrugged. "Sure. Ask away Dani."

I tried to think of something that would really get under her skin, to prove my point, but my mind was going blank at the moment and I couldn't think of anything. Adrianna smirked. "God you're so boring. I mean damn, I practically have a whole list of things I've been dying to know about you, but we don't talk anymore so..."

I could already tell where this conversation was headed and I didn't feel like letting it get there, so I stopped her. "Alright Dri, fine. You really want to know what's wrong? Beca kissed me. Twice."

She blinked at me, staying silent for a while before she shook her head. "I'm confused."

"What are you confused about, Adrianna?"

"So you've slept with this girl, invited her to live with you, and now that she's kissed you, you literally look like you just lost World War III." She raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to explain to me how that makes any sense?"

"She's seventeen."

"Yeah, and in case you didn't hear what I just said, you've already crossed the line that you shouldn't have. Don't you think it's a little late to try taking the moral high ground?"

I sighed. "I didn't know she was a minor when I slept with her, Adrianna."

"Well maybe that'll teach you to get to know people a little bit before you fuck them."

"I know Gavin real well."

"Too bad you're disgusted by the thought of sleeping with one person, right?"

I groaned, looking over my shoulder to see Beca playing some sort of hand game with Izzy. Seeing her with a smile on her face honestly made me happier, but the fact that she was good with Izzy only deepened whatever I was feeling for her and I wasn't sure how okay with that I was. I turned back to Adrianna, frowning. "You know that's not why Gavin and I aren't in a relationship."

She shrugged. "Whatever you say. I still don't know why you're so upset, if anything you should be excited that someone that looks like that is interested in you."

I glared at her, and she smiled. "What? You're not getting any younger."

"I'm going inside now," I mumbled, preparing to turn around but she placed a hand on my shoulder, rolling her eyes.

"Chill out, I'm just joking with you. I mean you're not... but that's beside the point. Oh never mind. Anyway, now that you're allowing yourself to talk to me, are you going to tell me why she's been staying with you for so long?"

"I told you she needed a place to stay."

"Okay... but what does that have to do with you? She must be really good in bed if you decided after probably an hour of your time that you wanted to help her out with her living situation."

"From what I can remember, she is," I mumbled. "But that doesn't have anything to do with why I'm letting her stay with me."

She glanced over my shoulder.