Chapter Eighteen

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I was convinced that I had really done it this time.

I didn't see Dani for the rest of the day that Saturday. I suppose she trusted me with Izzy, even if I'd pissed her off by mentioning her mom, because she had stayed in her bedroom and only came out to feed her niece dinner. Even then, she didn't give me a second, or even a first glance for that matter, and her expression had been completely and utterly emotionless.

Adrianna picked up her daughter the following day, and after Izzy was gone, Dani left the apartment and didn't come back until a little after eleven at night. Most of the week passed by similarly, and I was starting to believe that she'd never talk to me again. She was even colder in class, and I felt bad because she was taking out her frustration— or whatever she was feeling— on some of her students, and it was my fault. She was fine while she was teaching, but the little bit of patience that she'd had before for the seniors who misbehaved was completely gone.

I was so confused. I had never seen anyone act like this, and death was something that I'd had to deal with a lot. Not only had my own family passed, but I had known quite a few kids in the system that lost one or both of their parents and none of them had dealt with it the way that Dani seemed to be. All I'd done was simply mention her mother. It was clear that her mom's death was a touchy subject for her, as a death would be for a lot of people. I had known quite a few people that tried to block out their emotions instead of dealing with them. Hell, I did that more often than not, especially with my sister.

But I had never seen it like this.

I had detention today, and I wasn't at all looking forward to an hour with Dani in a confined space where she could possibly bite my head off, or even worse, let us sit in a painfully uncomfortable silence. We hadn't yet been in a situation where we were alone and forced to talk to each other, so I was convinced that this afternoon would be an interesting one. I lingered outside of her door for a while, as I tended to do, before opening it and walking in.

She didn't even look up.

I sat down in the desk closest to her, only interested in getting her attention. She ignored me like she had been for the past week or so, and I sighed. Even though I felt for her, because I was familiar with what she could be going through, I was still growing frustrated. Was she going to do this every time I did something wrong? I couldn't take being shut out again, and to make matters even worse, my nightmares were back. It seemed to me that on the one night that Dani had made me really, really happy, I had actually slept well.

Was the fact that I couldn't sleep again just a coincidence?

I looked up, trying something that I hadn't yet done since Halloween- talking to her. "My intention last week was not to make you upset, Dani."

"I'm not upset," she said, never raising her eyes from the papers on her desk.

"Seriously? Come on, you can't lie right now, especially not about how you're feeling."

This time, for probably the first time in a week, she met my eyes. "I'm not lying, and I'm not upset. I'm pissed off at you."

"For what?"

She barely looked up. "You invaded my privacy Beca, and I'm not okay with that. I really don't want to talk to you right now."

I sat up in my seat, shaking my head. I was beyond confused because she was taking this to a bit of an extreme. "All I did was ask you a question... I didn't realize that your mom is a touchy subject for you, and I'm sorry for bringing her up. But do you want to explain to me how the hell I invaded your privacy?"

"Don't talk about my mom," she snapped, and even though I thought I saw the sliver of remorse in her eyes when she looked at me, I was becoming frustrated. She let her expression harden again and she shook her head. "I certainly haven't ever mentioned her, so I'd really like you to tell me how you knew that she died without snooping through my things while I wasn't in the apartment."

I couldn't help but to wonder what things she could possibly have in her apartment that I could find and make the assumption that her mom passed away, but I guessed she was just referring to a diary or something. And then my mood quickly shifted when I actually thought through what she had said, and I tightened my jaw. I had been treated like a delinquent enough in my old foster and group homes, but I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if that's the way that she saw me too. I lowered my voice and spoke, "Is that really what you think of me?"

She looked at me silently, but her expression told me that she wasn't going to re-think what she had accused me of doing. I felt the compassion I'd had for her quickly start to evaporate into thin air. "I was taking care of your niece when she told me that her grandma passed away. But I'm glad I give you the impression that the first thing I'd do when left alone is snoop through your fucking things."

I could tell that as soon as I'd finished, she felt at least a little regretful, but she was way too fucking proud to mutter anything like the words "I'm sorry".

Because saying something like 'I'm sorry for assuming the absolute worst of you like everyone else in this fucked up world' would have been way too much for her to handle.

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, weaving between the desks to get to the back of the room. She watched me silently as I sat down again in the desk farthest from her, propping my legs up and sighing.

How was she able to make me feel this way so easily?

I wouldn't meet her eyes for the next ten minutes, and she either couldn't think of anything to say or didn't care, so we sat in silence. That was, until her door opened and Lucy and Principal Taylor walked in. I quickly took my legs off of the desk, mainly because I didn't want her to get in trouble with him, and made eye contact with Lucy. She gave me a sly smile and walked over to me, sitting down in the adjacent desk.

"Fancy seeing you here.. again."

"What'd you do this time?" I muttered, briefly meeting her eyes before putting my feet back up the minute Principal Taylor finished speaking with the blonde and walked out of the room. I could feel Dani's eyes burning into my back but I didn't look at her, and instead, I looked at Lucy.

She frowned slightly. "To be completely honest with you, nothing. And it wasn't like before when I was texting and I said I didn't do anything, there's really no reason for me to be in here right now."

"Really? Why are you in here then?"

"I wanted to spend time with you and you're always working?"

I raised my eyebrows and she just laughed a little. "Okay, okay. The truth is, I heard a few people talking shit about my uncle in the hallway, and I may have gotten involved. But honestly, I didn't even touch them so I don't know why I'm in here."

"Your uncle put you in detention for standing up for him?"

She shook her head. "It's not his fault, Mrs. Diaz was the one to see me getting in their faces about it and she called home. So unless he wanted to deal with my mom, he didn't really have a choice."

Dani hardened her voice, speaking, "I told you both last time that detention is to be quiet, girls. I'd rather not repeat myself."

"And I'd rather not have to sit here for an hour and stare at you, but yet here I am."

Dani's eye's snapped to meet mine, and I could tell that she was biting her tongue to refrain from responding with anything. Lucy widened her eyes and looked at me, whispering, "There is some pretty serious tension in the room Beca, and it isn't coming from me.. what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, speaking loud enough for Dani to hear. "I'm just a little upset with someone at the moment."

"Someone?" Lucy asked knowingly, lowering her voice so that Dani wouldn't be able to hear her from the front of the room. "Why are you mad at her?"

"Because she can be a real bitch sometimes, and it's really hard to deal with," I responded, not looking up even though I knew Dani was watching me.

"Well that's not a bad reason, but uh, unless you want more detention than you already have, you might want to lower your voice."

I shrugged. "Let her hear me."

Dani gritted her teeth, standing up. "I need to speak with you in the hall, Rebecca."

I looked up. It'd been a considerable amount of time since she'd called me Rebecca, and I took it upon myself to assume that I was either in a load of shit, or she was just making it seem that way in front of Lucy.

"I told you," Lucy whispered, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Good luck."

I eyed her hand and tried to smile. "Yeah, thanks. I'll be fine."

Dani's voice cut through the air again. "Let's go."

Lucy raised her eyebrows in my direction as I walked away, mouthing, "I'm not so sure about that."

I shrugged and walked through the door that Dani was holding open, looking at Lucy one more time before turning around to face Dani. She closed the door, narrowing her eyes at me. "I'm sorry you feel that way about me, but you're not going to go around talking about me like that to other students and expect me not to do anything about it. I think sometimes you forget that I'm your teacher-"

"Oh, shit, you're right, I'm sorry. I was stupid to think that we could be friends."

She met my eyes and sighed, leaning against the wall and folding her arms across her chest. "We can be, but that doesn't mean you can forget that I do have authority over you in school, and you need to respect me."

"I do Dani, but I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to be treated the way that you're treating me right now, and I can't help but to lose a bit of respect for you when you do this."

She looked down at me, biting her lip. I noticed she did that a lot when she was thinking, probably unintentionally. "I'm sorry." She paused and sighed. "I.... I didn't want to assume the worst of you Beca, but Izzy escaped my mind and I couldn't think of another way that you could have found out about my mom."

"Why are you so worried about me... knowing? I've told you so much about myself, and even if it doesn't necessarily seem that way to you, I think I can say that you know me better than anyone else does. Which is sad, because there's a lot I haven't told you."

She eyed me, shaking her head. "Because I don't want you to ask questions. I don't want to talk about my mom, and I don't think I ever will."

"And that means you have to turn into a bitch just because I mentioned her? Without knowing it bothered you so much?"

"No, you just... you reminded me about something that I didn't want to think about, and I couldn't get it out of my head. I still can't, and I'm sorry that that turns me into a different person but I can't do anything about it."

I shook my head. "You're... being really vague. It's a little confusing."

"I'm sure it is. Come on, we need to go back inside. I can't leave Lucy in there alone for too long."

"Why? Afraid she'll steal something?"

"Beca..." she said, narrowing her eyes and propping herself up by resting her elbow on the wall, her hand in her hair.

I held my hands up. "I'm just kidding, relax. After you," I said, gesturing for her to enter the room. She rolled her eyes, opening the door for me and letting me duck under her arm to get inside. She glanced at Lucy, and then back at me, pointing to the seat closest to her desk. "You can take a seat right there."

"Really..." I muttered, narrowing my eyes at her.

"Yes, really," she answered, taking a seat herself. I looked at Lucy, shrugged apologetically and sat down in front of Dani, desperately wishing the hour to end already.

Eventually detention ended and Lucy stood up in the back, making her way over to me and sitting on the edge of the desk beside me. She lowered her voice. "I know you have to work, but... how about we make a deal? Next time you have off, tell me, and I'll make spending the afternoon with me worth your while?"

I looked at Lucy, moving my hair out of my face and shifting slightly to see Dani watching us. I sighed inside, because I actually did like Lucy, but I couldn't date her and I felt like I was doing something wrong every time I spoke to Lucy in front of Dani.

Which was fucking ridiculous because Dani didn't want to be with me, so why the hell would she care about what I did with Lucy?

Lucy acknowledged my lack of response and leaned forward. "Beca, if you don't want to hang out, you can just tell me. But if it is just your job, I think we can work around that."

"No, I do Luce.... It's a deal, okay? I'm not sure when I have off but I'll text you."

She smiled and nodded, picking up her book bag and standing up. "Cool. And listen, I just want you to know that we can be anything you want us to be. I'm not trying to force you into anything, I'm just making sure you know that I do want to hang out with you, whether that be as friends.... or... not friends."

I nodded back. "Okay, thank you."

She started toward the door and waved back at me, before turning to Dani. "See you later, Ms. Parker."

Dani looked up, I suppose caught off guard by being acknowledged. She nodded, "Uh, have a good day Lucy."

Then she was gone.

I picked up my bag and sat on the edge of the desk in front of Dani's, watching her grade the tests we'd taken two days ago. She finished with one, flipping it over and frowning. She looked up at me. "What's going on Beca?"

"What are you talking about?"

She held up my test so that I could see the near-failing grade on top. "This isn't you."

I looked down and away from her. "I guess I've been too frustrated recently to study."

She shook her head. "Don't do that Beca. Please do not associate what goes on between you and I to how well you do in my class. You can do better than this, much better, actually."

"I wasn't talking about you," I muttered. She looked at me doubtfully and I sighed. "Fine, I may have been, but not solely. My work schedule is back to normal and I've been getting really bad dreams at night this past week. I have no time to study when I'm actually in a mental state where I can."

She formed a line with her lips, her expression shifting. "I think you can still do better than this without studying very much. And if you need help, you can just ask me."

"I don't need help."

She narrowed her eyes. "You don't have to do that Beca, you can ask me for help and still hold onto your... pride, or whatever it is you're afraid of losing."

"I'm not too proud to ask you for help. I really don't need it. What I need is for you to stop making me feel like shit every time I do something wrong."

The blonde lifted her eyes to mine, frowning. "I said I was sorry for assuming things."

"I'm talking about when you shut down for days unless I practically force you to talk to me. You have no idea how much I hate when you do that."

She sighed. "I can imagine, and I'm sorry. But don't take it personally, I do it to everyone."

"That makes it better? You shouldn't."

"I know," she muttered in response, scribbling a ninety-eight on Andy's test and standing up. "I'm trying to work on that."

"I don't think you're trying very hard."

"You can think whatever you want." She picked up her bag and put the tests in it, nodding her head towards the door. "Come on, I'll take you to work."

"This friendship thing is exhausting."

She raised her eyebrow, holding the door open for me. "With me or in general?"

"In general," I muttered, walking out the door. "But with you especially."

She eyed me but decided against answering, and instead led me to the parking lot. I watched her look around before gesturing for me to get in the car, and I did. She sat in the driver's seat and pulled away from the school, and after a while of driving in silence, she spoke up.

"What do you dream about?"

I looked at her, and I really didn't want to give her a lengthy answer to that question so I just shrugged and looked out the window, hoping this meant that she was done ignoring me.

"My shitty past."

****

The next day passed similarly to the rest of them, and even though Dani wasn't ignoring me anymore, she wasn't anywhere near as friendly or talkative as she had been on Halloween. I wasn't going to push her because it seemed like she really didn't want me to know anything about her mom, and part of me understood that. I was just glad she wasn't ignoring me anymore.

I was currently sitting on the sofa with Dani lying next to me, dozing off. It was a Saturday morning and Adrianna was supposed to be dropping off Izzy in a little while, according to Dani. She shifted next to me, lifting her head to glance at me. "The doorbell didn't ring while I was asleep, did it?"

I shook my head and she stood up, nodding toward her bedroom. "I'm going to take a shower before they get here. I promised Izzy we'd go to the park this weekend."

"Okay."

She walked away, leaving me to think to myself. I still felt tension between us, and I didn't know how to get rid of it. It didn't matter what she said, I could tell she was upset. She wasn't the person that I'd seen on Halloween, and I really wanted that person back.

I just wasn't sure what to do.

I sat on the couch for a while and sketched, listening to the faint sound of running water. The doorbell rang before Dani was out of the shower, but I knew at this point, I didn't really have to ask her if I could answer it. Adrianna knew who I was and Izzy was more than comfortable around me.

I put down my sketchbook and walked over to the front door, peering through the peep hole before opening it. "Hi Beca," Izzy greeted me, happy but a little less perky than usual. She hugged me and scurried into the apartment, leaving me to glance up at Dani's very tall, very intimidating sister.

"Is Dani here?"

"She's in the shower," I responded. "She should be out soon though."

Adrianna shifted her stance and stared down at me for a while, giving me a look I really couldn't place. "I think I need to talk to you while I have the chance."

I fidgeted with my shorts and muscle shirt, all of the sudden feeling really uncomfortable in front of Dani's seemingly well put-together sister. Not that Dani wasn't; I still remembered the first time I'd seen her in something other than her normal school attire.

But there was something about Adrianna that made me wish I had a shell to crawl into and hide.

Was that pathetic?

"Okay? What do you... want to talk about?"

"My sister," she answered immediately. "Do you like her?"

"Uh, yeah she's a cool person I guess-"

Adrianna rolled her eyes, stopping me. "No, do you like her?"

I shook my head, stammering, "U-Uh.. no, I can't...."

God, I felt like a complete idiot.

"Beca, I know you're seventeen and I know you're her student. That isn't what I asked. I'm not asking you what the law dictates, I already know you can't like her, I'm asking you if you do."

I sighed, leaning against the door frame. I could say no, but Dani had told me once that

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