🎀CHAPTER 6🎀

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What should I answer? What does he want to hear that will change any opinion that I don't like at this moment for an unknown reason? And most importantly, why would I want to change him?

"Dorian, why are you giving me the money back, and why twice the amount?" I need to know the reason for his move first.

"First; when I do something that concerns you, you will accept it without questions," he says at a dictation rate.

For a moment there, I thought I was in court listening to some prosecutor's oration.

"Second; when I finish my workout, I want you to have my drink ready and wait for me in bed," he continues with the lightning-fast intimacy we have from the beginning.

"Third; when I get close to you, I want you to feel. When I touch you, I want you to feel. When I get inside you, I want you to feel. I want you to feel me when you don't see me."

His eyes are nailed to mine controlling my every reaction. He figures out every thought I have, and I'm so fucking sure in front of him I'm an open book that can read everything.

"I'm forbidden to have desires in all this, am I?" I ask sure of his answer.

He smiles smugly and keeps drinking his booze.

I'm already starting to get mixed up with him. After Ross, he's the only one I ever laid eyes on. At the same time, I have the feeling of a warning sounding the alarm for him. I will not kid myself, I'm really into him.

"Do you feel it?" Dorian asks me thoughtfully.

I understand right away that after every conversation or any movement with him, he will ask me how I feel, and I will have to answer.

I nod my head in answer. Love and desire are more powerful than any reaction to my free will.

This evening I'm sure I'll satisfy that craving with him on a bed.

But that's not how it happened.

After dinner, Dorian as a knight kissed my hand and left me at home.

For a few days, he showed up nowhere. No phone, no text. I think about him obsessively, I won't lie. At night I spin around in my bed as everything bothers me. I'm only at work with the body without the mind.

My mind is on him. The fluttering inside me is getting more intense and waiting to be satisfied.

I talked to Marinell and told her everything. Her reaction was as stereotyped as most women would when they listened to me. "He's an asshole, he's selfish, and he wants it all to himself. It's not for you, find someone else."

Marinell realized I had a crush on him, but she reminded me that this, as usual, doesn't work out. And also that inner voice inside my head said the same thing.

And what do you do in such cases? You shut your ears, close your eyes, and surrender to the strong desire that pushes you to go to fall into the arms of your mistake.

Damn, such good feelings, and we don't even hold them for a second, we don't live them. The emotions on their part are so strong, and they last for a few seconds because reality does not agree with them.

We're all trying to find happiness, and no one can find it. That's because you create happiness with personal data and expectations, and then you demand that the other person should give it to you. And because that other person thinks the same way, you get frustrated, and then you blame God, life, and love.

And the most convenient thing is to decide that love doesn't exist, that no one is worth anything. No. Everybody deserves a chance. You are the one you don't deserve because you want a 'canned' love and you demand it to be fed to you by anyone who will be found and impress your eyes.

The other person can't satisfy the already made-up story in your head. He probably has the same little story. This spreads like an epidemic so no one deserves to get through this for anyone.

I sit and think about everything I feel about Dorian. In essence, I justify my choice by creating 'scripts' that will prevent the unwanted ending with him.

Besides, didn't I do the same thing when I met Ross? The same thoughts and the same words. Cupid is inscrutable, that's why it's graceful. Wherever its arrows fall, they always confuse you so you never come to a sure conclusion and always keep the glow of its mystery.

In love, you're always a rookie. Period!

It's getting dark. After a week of Dorian's absence, my footsteps lead me to his casino.

Stephan and Ridge in the lobby are looking at me suspiciously. Elva looks at me hard but leads me to Dorian's office. She opens the door for me and closes it noisily behind me.

Dorian is standing in front of his desk with crossed hands. We look at each other for a few seconds like we're giving each other confirmation. I, for my acceptance of what he wants and he, my approval to proceed with me.

Dorian whispers something to his men and approaches me by holding my hand. I look at him silently but seriously.

We leave the casino and enter the black Lexus.

"You'll draw the curtains so we see nothing," he whispers to me along the way.

I agree silently as if hypnotized. My passion has total dominance.

We're coming up on a tall building. The climb with the elevator seems endless to me.

"Do you feel it?" Dorian whispers to me just before we get to his floor.

I nod my head. I'm submissive to him.

We're getting into his apartment. Dorian looks at me with a smile that I can't tell if it's smug or warm. I draw the long curtains and cover the view of the world the way he likes it. I sigh quietly and go to the little bar to make him a drink the way he likes it.

Everything will be as he likes.

It's a fairly spacious apartment, and it's easy to navigate. A large living room along with the kitchen, and two bedrooms, is in the background another room with exercise equipment, and next to it a large bathroom. It's a nice apartment; no useless stuff to fill the space that as usual, we don't use.

I'd live comfortably in here with him. What kind of thought is this now that crossed my mind?

I twitch my head back and forth to get the thoughts out of my head.

I'm heading to the big bedroom. Dorian has finished his workout and I can hear his panting from the room as he approaches. He opens the door and takes a quick look at me. I'm sitting in bed obviously troubled; I can't hide it.

He quickly enters the bedroom bathroom. The familiar sounds of water and his movements fill my ears.

He comes out of the bathroom and finds me sitting in the same spot. Like the way he wants me. No change, no initiative.

Deep down, I long to be myself again. What I always am without a restraining order; the self that will show its truth and be accepted precisely for this reason. I don't have that with Dorian, and I probably never will.

He grabs the drink I made for him and drinks it all in one shot. The sound of ice cubes bouncing on the glass is a sign that he wants to drink more. Without looking at him I make slow moves, dragging my body towards the bar so I can pour him another drink.

"Stay where you are," he catches me up, knowing already that I was ready to grant his desire.

Besides, I'm the one who ran into him in the middle of the night to find him in his casino. That move clearly showed him I intend to satisfy him in everything he asks. There's a voice inside me screaming to deny what he said.

Why can't I just ignore him and stand up to make him a drink? I swallow dryly and pick up my body back in the bed I've been in all this time.

Dorian with a light look pours his glass and with his finger mixes the drink with the ice cubes. He drinks it in one shot again. He grabs the bottle and another glass and approaches the bed. He's sitting on his side next to me.

He reaches out to me holding the second glass. It's a sign that he wants me to drink with him. I don't want to drink!

I lick my lower lip and bite it awkwardly. My eyes go slowly through the room without looking at him. I join the eyebrows and restore my look to its normal form and decide to drink. I take the glass and I try to understand what he feels from the visibility the edge of my eye gives me.

Dorian groaned smugly and poured the glass with booze. The usual sweet dizziness tingles my head in the temples, burning the throat, and then in the sternum by swallowing the liquid. I drink it all in one go, the way he wants me to.


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