47: after

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June
1995

As Danny slept, Peter searched the entire house for whatever cocaine he could find. It was everywhere. Hidden in the corners of dusty drawers, the back of dark cabinets, and concealed between stacks of books. Once he had done a thorough sweep of every room - and there were a lot of rooms - and he was sure that he had collected all of it, he flushed every gram down the toilet, and crawled back into bed.

He didn't sleep though. He was thinking about Roy. About the sweet boy from Idaho who loved sandwiches and sunsets. The boy with a past full of scars, a past which should have hardened his heart, but didn't. The boy who took a chance on Peter when he was all alone. The boy he couldn't touch, but that didn't matter, because Peter didn't need to touch him to feel all of him. The boy Peter had hurt and lied to. The boy Peter had abandoned to sleep side by side with his former best friend who once betrayed him.

Peter hated who he had become.

He missed his prison days, when life was simple and he wasn't burdened with the task of making the right decision all the time. Because in prison there were no decisions to make. You would wake up, eat, fulfil your work duties, eat, play cards and read books to fill the void of boredom, eat again, and finally, go to sleep. That was his life, day in, day out, for over five years. Of course, there was more to it than that; prison gossip, complex relationships, 'accidents' which occurred in the shower block, fights which happened in the yard. But even those situations were easy to comprehend. Easy to stay out of. Out here, in the real world, there was no avoiding his problems.

He thought about his brother - the one who had leant him the money to go on this trip in the first place. Peter's relationship with Scott was strained since he went to prison. They had talked on the phone sometimes, and Scott came to visit whenever he had the time. But they never spoke about the things that mattered. Only the things that didn't. Scott's new boyfriend, his new dog, his new flat. Mum's work drama, her tired gossip about their old neighbours, the new man she was seeing.

Peter and Scott had always refused to talk about Danny. For a long time, they shared a mutual hatred for him. After a while, that hatred dimmed, though it was still there, throbbing at the back of their minds like a stubborn headache.

When Peter was released from prison, he stayed with Scott for a while. Scott's boyfriend, Adnan, didn't like Peter - he didn't like him sleeping on their sofa, always eating their food, and watching television too loudly. Peter could always hear them arguing about it from their bedroom (the reason Peter had the television on so loudly in the first place). But Scott refused to kick Peter out, no matter how strained their relationship had become over the years. He was still his brother. He would still be there for him, no matter what.

When Peter had asked Scott to lend him the money for this trip, they had gotten into a huge argument about it. Scott didn't speak to him for days, and his boyfriend looked at Peter like he was the devil himself. Eventually, Scott came around and gave Peter the money. Peter suspected it was Adnan's idea - his way of getting Peter out of their lives for a little bit.

Peter didn't blame Adnan for not liking him. Because Peter made Scott miserable; he was a constant reminder of everything that had fallen apart in Scott's life. His first love, his first loss. When Scott looked at Peter, he was reminded of a time when it was easy to trust people. When it was natural. When it didn't terrify him.

They had all lost the ability to trust people. It was half the reason Jenifer had hidden herself away in the Welsh countryside, where no one could hurt her or her daughter, because no one would get the chance. Peter suspected that that was the reason, anyway. Or maybe, she just wanted a fresh start. She wanted a place where nothing reminded her of the heartache she had endured.

Peter sometimes thought about doing the same - running away and leaving all of it behind. England, LA, his past. He thought about going somewhere entirely new, maybe a couple of continents over, where none of the pain could ever reach him. He glanced across at the sleeping boy beside him, knowing that if he asked, Danny would join him in a heartbeat. Because he too was broken and lost and desperate to start fresh. He was grasping at any ounce of love he could find, and by doing so, he had latched onto Peter. That was how they had found themselves in this mess, sleeping beside one another, pretending this was normal.

Peter's mind found its way back to Roy again. He didn't deserve to get tangled up in this mess. He was just like Scott, in a way. An innocent bystander who had gotten swept up in Peter and Danny's chaos. His only crime being that his heart was too soft. Too generous. Too full.

Peter knew that he couldn't keep doing this. He needed to choose; happiness with Roy or pain with Danny. He knew what the sensible choice was, but when he looked down at Danny, he couldn't help but tilt towards his reckless side once again.

Danny was the biggest mistake he had ever made. Becoming friends with him at twelve years old, hating him at sixteen years old, and sleeping with him at twenty one years old. The only constant in their knotted up timeline was that they were terrible people. Both of them. And that would never change.

But for once in his life, Peter vowed to make the right decision. The decision to break things off with Roy before he could hurt him again. Before he could cause him more trauma than he had already inflicted. Because if he could do one good thing on this Earth, he wanted it to be giving Roy the life he deserved. A life without Peter there to fuck it all up.

Danny stirred beside him, eyes fluttering open, "Hey." He murmured, a lazy smile on his face.

"Hi." Peter sighed, slipping out of bed, and wandering towards the mirror to readjust his hair, "I gotta go out for a little bit. Will you be okay?"

Danny frowned, "Where?" He asked sleepily, sitting up in bed.

Peter shrugged, "Don't worry about it."

Danny hated that response, but he wasn't about to fight it. "Will you come back?"

Peter knew he would come back and he hated himself for it. He wished he knew how to leave Danny behind for good. "Yeah."

"Okay." Danny was satisfied with that answer and collapsed back into the mattress, "Hey, Peter?" He called over, halfway back into unconsciousness.

Peter paused, his hand on the door handle, "Yeah, Danny?"

"I love you."

Peter didn't say it back.

Because he wasn't sure that he could.

Loving Danny was so easy but so impossibly painful. The idea of leaving him behind for good sounded more tempting than ever right now.


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