22: before

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July
1989

It was Peter's sixteenth birthday, and he was surrounded by his small bundle of loved ones. His Mother, his brother, and his two best friends. They were sitting cross legged on the grass outside their trailer, soaking in the heat, sharing stories and laughter. His Mother brought out a cake, and they all sung to him, passing around beers and presents.

Jenifer had her head in Peter's lap, and her legs tangled up with Danny's. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you anything, Pete." She said apologetically, gazing up into his warm honey eyes, full of joy and happiness.

"Yeah, me neither." Danny sighed, "Find me when I'm rich and famous, and remind me I owe you a sixteenth birthday present, alright?" He echoed Peter's own words; the ones he had said himself on Danny's birthday back in April.

Peter laughed, "Noted."

"Sorry it's not much, sweetheart." Susie smiled sadly, gesturing to the small pile of presents he had unwrapped; there was a watch, a new pair of shoes, and a few CDs.

He gave her a bright genuine smile, "Mum, it's more than I could ask for." He told her honestly, "Thank you, really."

The afternoon was warm and lazy and filled with laughter. Peter's Mother went inside to start cooking dinner for them all, and Scott stood up too, looking between his brother's friends uncertainly, "I-Uh...I'll get out of your way for a little while... To help Mum."

Danny grabbed onto his ankle, looking up at him with kind green eyes, "You're not in anyone's way." He said.

Scott smiled bashfully, "It's okay, I'll-"

"Sit down, Scott." Danny yanked at the hem of his trousers, and Scott hesitantly sat back down. He took his place on the grass a few metres away from the others, trying to create some distance between himself and Danny.

Danny, seemingly, did not care about any assumptions the other two might make, and shifted up to sit beside Scott. Then, he put his head in Scott's lap. Like it was nothing. Like they did this all the time. "What's your Mum cooking, Pete?" He asked Peter casually.

Peter and Jenifer exchanged a look of confusion, "Uh... What...?" Peter frowned, "Do you and my brother have some sort of close friendship I'm not aware of?"

Danny scoffed, "'Cause I'm laying on him?"

"Yeah." Jenifer sounded just as puzzled, "That's not... You've never done that before."

Danny rolled his eyes dramatically, "Scott and I have been neighbours for years. Would be a bit weird if we weren't friends by now."

Scott shifted nervously, fighting the urge to tangle his fingers into Danny's soft hair and trace his cheekbones with his fingertips. Being intimate with Danny was part of his routine now, like a stubborn habit that crawled out of him whenever the other boy was near. He wanted to touch him and kiss him and wrap him up in his limbs and his heart. But only when they were alone. Not with his brother and Jenifer sat opposite them, glaring at them like a complicated maths problem.

"Right..." Peter was still staring between them, wondering if there was something there he needed to figure out, or whether he was reading too deeply into the situation. His best friend had his head on his brother's lap. That wasn't that weird, right? It was just friendly. Right?

"Bloody hell." Danny sat up straight, "Will you stop staring at us like we're a couple of queers? Jen's had her head in your lap all afternoon, Peter."

Peter frowned, "Why are you so angry? I didn't even-"

"I'm gonna help Mum." Scott stood up abruptly, his face red and hands trembling.

"I'll come with you." Danny replied, standing up too. Scott gave him a cautious look, but Danny ignored it, following him into the trailer.

"Oh, hi boys." Susie smiled at them from the kitchen when they entered, "Food's not ready yet-"

"I'm lending Danny a CD." Scott replied, grabbing a fistful of Danny's t-shirt and dragging him into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them with a little too much force. He turned to Danny, cheeks still hot with anger, "Why would you say that?" He snapped.

Danny rose his brows in surprise, "Jesus, what?" He shot back defensively.

"That thing about us being a couple of fucking queers, Danny!" Scott tried to keep his voice down, but his frustration was hard to contain.

"Why are you so pissed off?" Danny cocked his head to the side curiously.

"Because!" Scott threw his arms up in exasperation, "Because I am and you're...you're annoying me."

Danny watched him for a few silent moments, trying to read his expression. Then he smiled, "I'm sorry."

"You're-what?"

"Sorry." Danny repeated, "I don't want you to be angry at me. So, I'm sorry. Let me be sorry, alright?"

Scott collapsed back onto his bed, his anger already bubbling away. It was exhausting, being in love with Danny Fox. "You shouldn't have followed me in here." He said flatly, "It's too suspicious...especially after...after that. Whatever the fuck just happened outside."

"You're right." Danny sat down on the edge of the bed beside him, making no move to leave. "It's hard, though. Being around you and not being able to touch you. I just wanted... I wanted to be close to you. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry."

Scott groaned loudly, "You can't... You can't say shit like that to me, Danny." Because I'm in love with you and it really fucking hurts.

"Why not?" Danny asked softly, reaching out to take Scott's hand in his, tracing his knuckles with his thumb.

"Because..." He hesitated. He knew that he couldn't tell Danny the truth about how he felt. But it was so painful keeping it all inside. "You said we were just killing time." He whispered, his voice on the verge of breaking, "And then you...you say you want to be close to me, and I...I don't... It's fucking with my head, alright?"

"I shouldn't have said that." Danny replied quickly, as though he had been waiting for an opportunity to say it.

"About wanting to be close to me?"

"No, the other thing." Danny squeezed his hand, "About us just killing time. I shouldn't have... That's not true, y'know?"

Scott looked up at him, trying to squash that lovesick hopeful glimmer in his eye. He didn't need Danny to know how good it felt to hear that. "You...You didn't mean that?"

Danny sighed heavily, leaning into Scott's side, "I told you you were brave once." He said, "I didn't tell you how jealous I was, of that bravery."

"I'm not brave, I-"

"Sometimes I think I'm falling in love with you."

That's when it all stopped. The air in the room, and the blood in his veins. That was all Scott had ever wanted to hear, and now he was hearing it, he was frozen in place.

"I tried to push that feeling away." Danny kept talking because if he stopped, his world might stop too. "Because you're not a girl, and I'm not a...a y'know..." He took a deep breath, "And my uncle died of AIDS, and my best friend is your brother, and...and fuck, I wanna be an actor, and even though that's never gonna happen for me, the dream is still there, and you can't...you can't be an actor when you...when you like guys. Not a successful one anyway..." He looked down at his hands, the edges of his vision fading out of focus. But he needed to keep talking. He just needed to. "A-And none of this feels right, and it's all so fucking terrifying, Scott. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared, but...but I think I love you, and I hate that. I hate that I love you but I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

Scott watched him with wide eyes and parted lips. Danny had poured his heart out to him, and he had nothing to say in return. Because his voice wasn't working and his mouth was dry and his chest felt tight. "Danny..." He breathed out.

"Fuck." Danny buried his head in his hands, "I'm sorry... You must think... Fuck." He muttered, "God, I'm such an idiot-"

"Danny." Scott said again, firmly, "You...You said all the right things."

Danny looked back up at him, blinking Scott into focus, "I...I did?"

Scott smiled, "Yes. Apart... Well, apart from the fact that you hate-well, you hate this."

"I'm gonna fix that." Danny said quickly. "I'm gonna get over myself. I'm gonna...I'm gonna learn to not hate it because I... Well... Don't make me say it again."

"You love me."

Danny's cheeks warmed up and he looked away bashfully. He was meant to be the confident flirty one - not the one who got flustered and pink in the cheeks. That was Scott's job. Though, right now, everything seemed out of place. "Yeah." He whispered, "Yeah. I love you."

"And what does that mean?"

"Huh?"

"What does that mean?" Scott repeated evenly, "Does it mean you're gonna stop calling me 'mate' and...I don't know, love me outside of your bedroom?"

Danny stared at him sceptically, "Scott, I...I can't..." He choked out, "You know I can't... My Dad... I mean, if the world was different then, maybe..."

"And Peter? Will you tell him?"

Danny groaned in frustration, "Well, fuck you, Scott, if you don't feel the same way then just-"

"I didn't say that!"

"Then why are you making this so difficult?" Danny demanded. "If you don't love me back, then fine! Just say that!"

"Fuck you!" Scott snapped, "Fuck you, Danny! You don't get to say that! Not when I've loved you since the day you moved here! Not when I've watched you with Peter every fucking day, just...just wishing that was me! You don't...You don't get to..." His eyes were wet and his cheeks were red and Danny was looking at him with a smile on his face. "Don't...Don't look at me like that."

"I love you." Danny said. Like it was obvious. Like it had been obvious this whole time. Maybe it had.

"Well, I love you too, you dickhead."


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