Chapter 29: Eyes

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"New car?" He gestured behind his back with his thumb.

"Yeah. Birthday present."

"Awesome." Somehow his accent, that had been almost lost, managed to come back. I was so shocked that I stayed quiet, as he put back his hand inside his pocket and rocked his feet back and forth. It wasn't until a breeze of freezing air hit my cheeks that I realized I didn't invite him to come in.

"Come inside." I stepped aside and he walked in, giving me a thankful smile. "Are you okay, do you need-?"

"Do you have a few minutes to talk?" He was avoiding my gaze, as if he was trying to hide his face from me.

"Sure." I bit the side of my cheeks as I thought, looking around. Where could we go? The twins and Justin were in the bedroom since it was too cold to play outside, my grandpa was in the living room and mom was in the kitchen. It seemed like the conversation was private and delicate.

Just then my mom walked out of the living room. "Hey, Nico." She smiled, although it didn't reach her eyes. She noticed.

"Eleanor." He nodded his head.

"Cara, I just remembered we're out of milk for Sandro. I'm gonna go to the grocery store. Chicken is almost ready for the oven, you just need to marinate it and turn it on."

I nodded. The kitchen was free.

Grandpa was asleep again so he didn't notice us when we walked in front of him towards the kitchen. "Do you mind if I finish this?"

"No, of course not." He shook his head and sat at the small table in the corner.

"You're not using crutches anymore."

"No." He half smiled. "I did a lot of progress. It doesn't hurt that much to walk now. The pain may even disappear at some point."

"Wow. That's great." I smiled.

"Yeah." He nodded, playing with a few bread crumbs on the table.

"So, what's up?" I asked hesitantly, grabbing the salt.

"Uhm..." he sighed heavily. "You need help?"

"No, it's fine." I kept on marinating the chicken. I had my back turned so I didn't see his expression, but could hear his shaky breath.

"I was... I was sleeping with someone these days."

Involuntarily, I held my breath. With a deep frown between my brows, I tried to continue what I was doing.

I knew it.

Why getting my hopes up? He didn't like me, I needed to stop thinking about him that way. Even if he liked me back, I had already established in my head the reasons why I wasn't good enough, the reasons why I couldn't be in a relationship. They were not new, I came up with them a long time ago.

It still hurt.

"Oh?"

"Yeah." He coughed. I could imagine him fidgeting, sucking on his bottom lip like he used to do. "He... well, he was a guy. He's a friend from Lyon."

"I don't.... know what that is." I said softly, grabbing the tray and putting it inside the oven.

I glanced back at him when he chuckled, his sad expression almost leaving entirely as he stared off into space. "It's a city, like four hours away from Paris." Nico explained. "I told him he could sleep in my hotel room with me, so he could stay longer in Paris, until I came back. We both knew it was an excuse to sleep together, since he's... well, he has a lot of money. Surprisingly, just like all my friends there." He chuckled humorlessly, the bitter expression coming back to his face.

"Why is that funny?" I asked, sitting down at the table with him.

"It's not. It's really not." He swallowed, slightly shaking his head. "It's what we are all used to." He turned his body towards me, placing his arms on the table as he entwined his fingers together. "One day my dad came by. I wasn't expecting him. I also didn't remember he knew my room number since he was the one who booked it. He... he wanted me to meet some of his clients. He was trying to get me into his business, even though I told him multiple times that I hate it. He doesn't understand that I'm an artist. He just doesn't get it, putain." That last sentence came out a little louder. He was struggling to get out the words. "Well, he appeared unannounced. I was still sleeping and Arnaud had the great idea to open the door completely naked. My dad thought he was just in the wrong room, but I don't know what Arnaud actually told him, that next thing I know, my dad is yelling at me to wake up and get dressed. He's..." Nico swallowed again, his hands pressing hard against one another. His eyes were watery, just like before. "He's yelling horrible things at me. Horrible things I don't even want to repeat. Basically, I'm not his son anymore, I'm a faggot, I'm sick, and a whole other bunch of great things."

The tear in the corner of his eye finally fell down. I quickly put my hands on top of his, squeezing them hard. I felt terrible, my chest ached for him, I didn't know what to do. I knew what was like to have your father insult you like that. My dad used to tell me that I was a whore and stuff like that, for reasons I didn't want to get into. It was one of the most awful feelings in the world. Your father was supposed to love you unconditionally, not hate you because of who you were.

"He... he closed my bank account. He said he won't support me financially anymore. I don't..." he bit back a sob and lowered his head, hiding his face between his arms. "I don't know what to do."

"Oh, Nico." I got up quickly from my chair, wrapping my arms around his figure as best as I could. He was fast to lift up his head and wrap his arms around my waist, hiding his face on my shoulders so I wouldn't see it. I had never seen him cry so I guess he was embarrassed. I was left bending down in a weird position, so I gave in and sat on his lap. If the situation was different, I was pretty sure I'd be blushing. "I'm so sorry."

Nico held onto me for what felt like years. He cried. I just heard him sniff and sob a few times but he didn't say a word. When he calmed down and decided to raise his face, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hoodie and I handed him a napkin. He covered his face with both his hands after he blew his nose. "Mon Dieu, I'm sorry. This is so embarrassing."

"Hey," I grabbed his hands and took them off his eyes, "it's okay. I'm glad you told me. I'm here for you, okay? Whenever you need me." Right at that moment, when his ocean eyes locked into mine, I found myself blushing. We were really close, I could even feel his breath on my lips. My heart started beating fast, my breathing becoming heavy.

"I know." Nico glanced down at my lips. "Cara, I..."

Just then I heard the front door being opened and I panicked realizing how weird this could look. Nico patted my leg twice and I urged to stand up. My mom appeared by the door, with more bags than intended.

"Is grandpa still asleep? I swear this man is like a groundhog." She chuckled. Her eyes flicked between Nico and me. I surely looked all flustered as I leaned my back against the counter, smoothing my baby hairs back. Nico looked better than before, but still, it was pretty obvious that he had been crying.

"Yeah." I half smiled.

My mom started putting the groceries away and as she handed me some of them to help, she glanced back at Nico. "Hey, Nico. Wanna stay for lunch?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After we ate, I showed Nico my secret place in the roof. We sat calmly, none of us were talking as we sipped on some hot chocolate my mom made, a blanket covering our legs.

"I don't know what to do, Cara." He said at last. "I have savings but they'll only last like a month or two. I can't even afford my apartment."

"You don't need that much space. You can look for a smaller place." I glanced at him, he was lost in his thoughts as he stared at the sky in front of us. "Besides, you're incredibly talented, Nico. You won't have any problem getting a good job." I sighed and looked down at my mug. "I can lend you some-"

"No." He said firmly. "Don't ever say it."

"But I... I'm not struggling as much as I was before, since my dad... you know. I also have savings-"

"Cara, I'm being serious. Stop saying that."

"Okay." I pressed my lips together and stared at the sky too.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I'll- I'll find a job. A real one. I need to be more realistic. I'm not as creative as I used to be. I also don't have those contacts here, but I'm surely not moving back to Paris again. I can't... I can't expect to do as well as I did as an artist when I was there. I had an idea and it turned out great. I was lucky, that's all." He sipped of his mug. "I'm going to apply for that magazine I was doing small projects here and there. They don't pay much, but it's a start."

"Nico." I stared at him, blue eyes finding green ones. "Don't give up on your dream." I shook my head. "Don't you dare stop drawing and singing and-" my eyes searched his frantically, and he swallowed hard again, a knot forming on his throat as his eyes watered. "Promise me. Promise me you won't stop-"

"I promise." He nodded. "I promise."

We stayed silent for a few minutes, minutes that felt like hours as the sun descended in the horizon, drawing an orange sky, the day becoming night so early these days. It was freezing, our smoky breathing showed us so. We had gotten closer to one another, both of us looking for the other to warm us up.

"I don't want to go down. I don't want to face life." He chuckled. "God, I'm so dramatic."

"I get it." I laughed. "Sometimes I don't wanna go down either."

"Luca's not home. I didn't even tell him. He and Riley are on vacation and they're staying somewhere near the beach." He looked at me. "Wanna stay at my place?"

My stomach clenched as my heart started pounding against my chest. That made me incredibly nervous. "At- your place?"

"Yeah." He simply said.

I glanced down. "I- I don't know, Nico."

"Please." He rested a hand on my knee. "I don't wanna be alone."

And as I stared into those eyes, I saw the fear. I saw the sadness. I saw him vulnerable. And that moment, some part of me was happy. Happy that he showed that side to me. Happy to be there for him.

And even if I tried to push down my feelings, I couldn't. I liked him so much, it hurt.

"Okay."

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