I woke up at 6 A.M. and left the house without anyone knowing. I took the trip to Riker's by myself, I waited by myself. I sat on the cold steal bench in front of the glass mirror by myself and saw Trevon all by myself. 

He didn't react the same this time. His face was calm, his eyes were neutral, not warm but not vengeful. I arrived at the the Island at 8:30 A.M on Thanksgiving day morning. One of the guards had said that I was right on time and I beat the rush of visitors trying to wish their loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving, but I didn't come here for that. 

Trevon stared at me through the glass and I stared back. A few moments pass and he picks up the phone. 

"Where's everyone else?" He questioned. 

"I came alone." I answered. 

He looks surprised for half of a second. 

"I put some money in your commissary. So you can probably get something nice from the vending machine or whatever they have back there." I look down at my hands. 

" I don't need your money." He says. I nod, because I was waiting for it. 

"Well it's there so.." I sigh and he looks to the side then back at me. 

"I saw you on Good morning America." He comments. 

I don't know what to say so I remain quiet. 

"Funny how you get to live out the dream I introduced you to. How you benefit from Flex like he's your mans, like you did all that yourself." He shakes his head and I bow mines in agreement. 

"I don't deserve any of it." I admit. "It haunts me."

It seems to catch him off guard and it is quiet again. The jail is quiet aside from some guards mumbling personal issues to each other. I want to say it felt a little peaceful but the hard walls and stains as well as the man sitting in front of me with harsh eyes make it hard to feel that way.

"I messed up a lot since you've been in here and I know I don't deserve for you to love me again but it would be nice if one day you did. It can be years from now, I deserve that. But as long as it happens I'll be alright..." 

His eyes stare into mine and I cannot tell if he wants to kiss me or punch me in the face. A part of me hopes it's both, that might be the best case scenario. I sit my hand that isn't holding the phone in my lap to warm it. I know he must be cold. I was in a winter coat and he was in jail clothes. He doesn't shiver though. 

Maybe I've turned his whole body cold from the inside out. 

I speak hoping that I can warm him with my words but I am afraid he's already pass that. 

"I just want you to love me again, even after my mistakes." I say sincerely. But I move my eyes away from his. "I've never loved someone like this in my life. I've never loved a man, I don't know what I'm do-"

"I never stopped loving you." He looks at me with troubled eyes. 

"I ain't expect you to play me like that but I'll get over it. I don't know how to stop loving you Chanel." He speaks firm and his eyes seem far away.

"I've loved you for so long that just because you've literally turned my life upside down, doesn't mean the love is gone. Look at me." 

I realize that my watery eyes are peering down at my shoes. 

I look.

"I'm hurt as fuck. I don't know when I'll forgive you but I know that's a little easier on me if I do. So if I forgive you just understand it was so I don't go crazy in this jail cell. It's for myself... not for you." 

I pull in a deep breath and let it out to stop myself from crying. 

"You understand what I'm sayin to you?" He asks.

I nod. 

He would forgive me eventually, he always abides by his word and if he says he will then he will. Patience has never been my strong suit but I will my body to do it in this moment and the moments to come. I will wait on his forgiveness.

 "How much money you put in commissary?" 

"Two hundred." I reply. 

"Next time, give it to Ma for me. I'm alright in here." His eyes are intent. 

"Any guilt money you plan on giving me, redirect it to the family that you ruined." 

I stare at him with the hurt ripping through me again. 

"I love you." He says as I begin to tear again. It feels like a deep breath that I cannot inhale peacefully. 

"I'm better now that you've visited and I missed your face even if it's ugly and crying." 

I wipe the tears and roll my eyes and he fights with a smile. 

"You can't say something fucked up then try to joke with me. That's not how this works." I almost yell. 

"I know. I'm still fighting with my love and hate for you. It will pass." 

I fan the heat away from my face and force a minimal smile. He was finally talking to me like normal. I get a glimpse of the old him. The one with a little more weight on his body, more meat on his face. He had really lost a few pounds. I want to ask him about the food there but I know it's garbage. That and I probably depressed him the last few months. 

He's been losing battles with himself that I caused. 

"I love you too." I finally say back. 

"I know, just find better ways to show me and we be good." He says in a calm voice. 

"I will." I say sincerely. 

"You signed to Atlantic?" He questions. 

"Yea. Working with Mac." I add. I remember Trev telling me about Mac before I knew how big he was. 

"Read everything in the contract?" He questions. 

"Everything." 

"Okay, I'm happy for you even though I'm trying not to be."  

"Thank you." I croak, I smile at that and he looks at it and there is a tinge of happiness in his eyes. Like he hasn't seen it in a while. Like he's dreamed about me before and condemned himself to punish me because of what I did.  

"Are you planning on visiting and picking up your calls this time around?" He looks afraid of the answer suddenly. 

"Yea, on the first ring." I promise. 

"Okay, then." 

Maybe we can rebuild. I'm sure people have fucked up in bigger ways, I'm positive people have done things close to impossible to come back from but came back from it anyway. I need to get back home and help Ma prepare dinner and I wish with everything in me that Trevon could be at the table with me. 

I wished more than anything that he was sitting right next to me, playing with my foot under the table and somehow beasting on all the food at the same time. 

I wish I could break the glass between us and kiss him so deep that I make up for all the damage I've done. But for now, I'll take his forgiveness and conversation. It's the most I've gotten for months. 

I hear him sigh and my eyes move to his lips that are still too perfect, even in jail. 

"Oh, Chanel." His voice is quiet and he shakes his head. 

"You give me so much but you've taken so much away." 

I don't need him to explain. I understand as soon as he says it and I wish I didn't. I wish it wasn't true but it is. In that one statement, the past few months are summarized. 

I look down. 

It is quiet for a moment as neither one of us speak but we keep our eyes on each other. I try to communicate to him that I love him despite my behavior. I feel like I have said it so many times that I don't want it to lose the meaning. 

"Wrote any poems lately?" He asks. 

The words spread through my body and nostalgia takes its place in my stomach. 

I begin.