| 7.3 | in the strictest confidence

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❝You've seen me bare
And seen me covered up
Maybe I'm not scared
What you're thinking of.❞

Chapter Seven:
In The Strictest Confidence
(cont'd)

"Wow. That's seriously fucked up."

I lay sprawled across the bed, my limbs unceremoniously pointing in opposite directions as if I were making a snow angel. Hans lay next to me on his side, with one arm propped up to hold his head so he could look at me and the other resting on his leg, fingers drumming. My story really wasn't as tragic as his but it was a tragedy nonetheless. I had started off by telling him how Jacob and I had first met during college interviews, and immediately hit it off. Hans had let me know through his vivid facial expressions that he didn't want me going into laborious detail of just how perfect my relationship had been. I didn't have to. My face said the rest of it, of how much in love I had been.

From college sweethearts to a live-in relationship, to professional accomplices...thinking back on it now, I reprimand myself for not having seen disaster coming earlier. Nothing ever gets that good and lasts.

"Tell me about it," I grumbled. "Jacob was always threatened by me being more successful at my job than he was at his. I did the same things he did; worked long hours, traveled for meetings, scrambled around after the boss. The only difference is I worked harder, complained less, and it got me somewhere. I had a reputation that beat his as a lawyer. Jacob could never accept that."

"He sounds like a twat," Hans muttered out loudly then flopped on his back. I ignored the way my heart leaped as our arms brushed, the hem of his sleeve touching my wrist ever so slightly. "How did you two break up?"

I shut my eyes, reliving the images in my head. They no longer brought me pain, and it wasn't because of the multiple glasses of wine that I'd downed with Hans. I was far past the point of feeling hurt over what Jacob did to me now.

A cold numbness radiated in my voice as I spoke, "I wanted to surprise him so I finished work early on a trip and came back home. Things had been rocky for us and I thought it would be a good way to lighten things up again but Jacob saw my regular trips as opportunities to do just the same, only with different people."

That was the PG-rated version of things; the mellow version of a sordid turn out to a wish of true love. It wouldn't suffice.

"I walked in on him with his mouth latched on the perky little breast of our neighbor's teenage daughter."

"How old?" Hans asked quietly.

"Eighteen," I murmured, bitter. I didn't want Hans' sympathy so after he let out his low whistle, I took the opportunity to groan and roll onto my side, stuffing my face in the nearest pillow. "I can't believe I loved that douchebag."

I thought I heard Hans mutter something along the lines of 'neither can I' but it must have been my subconscious scorning me. I felt his hand touch my shoulder and turn me to face him gently. His eyes scanned my face for any sign of tears before relaxing with a slight sigh of relief. I don't know what it was that brought me to say the next words. Maybe I was in a confessional mood. Or maybe, the alcohol was acting up. Either way, Hans didn't react to my words at all when I whispered, "He was my first."

I was expecting something. An 'O' of shock or at least a laugh. Anything. But Hans didn't bat an eyelash at my words.

"I lost my virginity to him," I repeated, wondering if he'd heard me and again, got nothing.

"I gave him my flower."

That prompted a smirk. "You don't need to say it three times, I get it."

His hand scaled down the length of my shoulder and despite the seriousness of our talks, it lit a trail of goosebumps in its wake. I squirmed a little, wondering how this man could have such an effect on me when he was barely touching me in the first place. Hans' smile grew as he felt the involuntary reaction of my body beneath his fingertips.

"You were my second."

His eyes swept up from the dip of my elbow where his hand had settled, to my face. The moonlight did wonders to his eyes but it was the boyish grin that spread on his mouth that did the job. "Yeah?"

"Don't look so pleased," I scoffed, attempting to turn away but Hans caught me by my shoulders, fixing me in an iron grasp. Ah, I've made a mistake.

"You mean you've only ever been with Jacob before me?"

Rub it in my face, will you? Gosh, that grin on his face was absolutely infuriating. Charming, yes, but infuriating. I didn't get why he was so...so...overjoyed with the idea of being my second. Hans looked like he just won a freaking gold medal as he leaned in, watching me turn greater shades of color.

"Who would have ever thought that little miss Tris Henderson was saving herself a second time, and I would be the one to take it?"

I turned my head away, causing his nose to nudge the spot below my ear. He smiled against my skin, pressing a light kiss on the spot beneath my earlobe. Fuck him, he knew what that did to me.

"Stop making this more embarrassing than it already is," I squeaked, trying to push him off me. I got off easy as he let me go, moving back with a satisfied smile. I glared at Hans and started to turn in the other direction.

"I lost my virginity to a stripper."

My eyes bugged out, stopping in my movement to turn away. "What?"

He let out a huff and lay on his back again, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the growing laughter on my face although tinge of pink on his nose was unmistakable.

"I had taken a year off after finishing high school to figure out what I want to do and dad hadn't taken it very well when, on my nineteenth birthday, I still didn't give a shit with my life. We got into this huge fight and I thought I could run away from home. So I did."

"And the farthest you got was your local strip joint?" I guffawed.

Hans ignored my snorts of laughter and continued, with a visible furrow between his brow. "I got lost and ended up at what I initially thought was a bar but ended up being a strip club. I drunk. A lot. Heavily intoxicated and in no state to go home, one of the women took me in and, well..."

"You banged." I grinned, smiling too widely for my own good. "How romantic!"

Hans opened his eyes and shot me a sideways glance. "You sure are feeling better."

"A little more grateful, really. At least my first time meant something."

"At least my first time was with an experienced woman," he snapped in quick retort.

I sat up and eyed Hans, an eyebrow raised. "I bet you were too drunk to even remember what happened."

Hans changed the subject, confirming my doubts and sending me off on a laughing spree that had me nearly tumbling off the bed. Much to his disdain, I wouldn't let the matter go for most of the night but regardless of the continuous teasing, Hans played a good sport and didn't let it damper his mood.

The hours passed without my even noticing them. What started off as a night that should have ended in tears and disappointment turned to one of half-drunken confessions and old stories. The topics of our discussion varied from broken arms and legs to first crushes and pets to 'almost' flings (those were mostly on my part), all the while unearthing more about each other through these little snippets of honesty.

I found out that the scar slicing his right eyebrow had been from a drunken fight at a college party. I also learned that his heterochromia was inherited from Anya; that although they couldn't afford to live in dazzling conditions, he'd had a pet tortoise named Pip when he was with his mom. I also learned that his favorite color was brown, his reason for it being its 'wide spectrum' of beauty. He went so far as to say my sepia-brown eyes were his favorite shade. That sweet moment was ruined by a rather crude comment that followed on how hot they looked when I was under him.

It was the most we had ever just talked. I didn't realize how great a purpose our words had served when at some point in the middle of serenity, Hans ventured into a topic that he would never have felt comfortable with otherwise. We were lying on the bed, rolled on our sides and facing each other, but not touching. Sleep weighed on my eyelids but I constantly tried blinking it away, in the fear that these moments of purity would slip away, along with the beautiful man next to me.

"Tris..." he rarely called me out by first name, something I had only just come to realize in the past couple hours of our talking. It was melodious, hearing my name roll of his lips rather than the sarcastic, all business 'Ms. Henderson'. But it told me something was on his mind. "What am I to you?"

I yawned, nuzzling my head against my arm. "I already told you that I still think you're a dick."

"No." Hans' hand cupped the side of my face, brushing aside the strands that had fallen in front. My eyes flashed open, all too aware of his touch and I nearly gasped when I saw how close he was. "What are we? What purpose does our relationship serve to you?"

There was an unflinching seriousness in his eyes as they latched on mine. He was far from playing the joker now but more than anything, I couldn't help but question what brought him to ask me this. I watched as he grew increasingly frustrated with my silence, a deep V embedding between his brows. His warm caress left my face, palm pressing flat against the mattress as he weighed me up.

"Am I just your gateway to sex? Your ticket to pleasure after how Jacob left you?"

I shook my head at him, quiet. The frown disappeared, now replaced by curiosity.

"Then tell me what this is. I need to know because I hate being in the position to hurt you, Tris."

"What do you mean?" I was wide awake now and I paid attention to every quiver of emotion on Han's face because they spoke volumes more than he ever could.

He licked his lips before going on, sounding almost nervous, "Jacob broke you apart over sex. And we...we started off with sex, and that's all we've ever had. I don't want you to think that I'm using you in anyway or-"

"Hans," I shut him up, covering his mouth with my hand. I couldn't help but smile at how much he was thinking things through between us. It meant he cared, and that made me feel just a teeny tiny bit elated. It must mean I mattered to him. "Don't worry about it, okay? You're not just sex to me, alright?" I sighed and grabbed his hand, bringing it to my face, wanting him to touch me again. "You're more than that. I think you're silly for thinking that you're just a tool I would use for pleasure."

"Right," Hans uttered, watching me curl my fingers through the cracks in his hands. It was foreign, the feel of his hand interlaced with mine. We'd never done it with the intention of just...being. Hans didn't stop me, his eyes following my every move, seemingly enchanted.

"Truth be told, I've always thought of sex as something sacred. That's why I waited so long to find 'the one'. I thought Jacob was the one. I saw a future with him so I let him have me but," I snorted softly, "well, you know how it turned out."

"With you attacking him eight years later," Hans teased, smiling.

"Precisely." I smiled back, squeezing his hand. "I swore to myself that I wouldn't have sex again. For a long time. I denied myself the pleasure, and became this corporate shell of a machine. It was my way of righting the wrong, by locking myself away from feeling...human. And that's when you came along."

The memory of the first time he crept up on me in the hotel lobby flashed my mind, and I couldn't help but smile wider. It felt like years ago, when it had only been months. I stared up into his kaleidoscope-eyes and felt more at peace than I had ever before. The smile still on my lips, I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed the soft skin there, breathing out gently.

"You're my liberation."

It was one of those rare moments where it felt like the universe was holding its breath for the both of us. Hans' eyes grew at my words, comprehension flooding in as the significance of what I had said hung in the air between us. I memorized the picture of him above me, the way strands of his jet-black hair fell across his forehead, and the slightest curve of his pale, marble cheeks that flushed with color. His thumb skirted above my hand as a smile tugged at his lips.

Without a word, he reached out with his other arm and held it open, propping it on the pillow near his head in invitation. I didn't hesitate, moving into his body and snuggling my face against the crook of his neck, wrapping my arms around his lean, muscled torso.

This wasn't a dream. This was different, and it was real; the way Hans held me to him in an almost loving embrace. I could feel the beat of his heartbeat against my cheek and I smiled, wondering if he was aware of the fact that I knew just how fast it was going. The silence, this time around, was perfect. It spoke more than words ever could but there were still things left unsaid and a lingering thought in my head is what prompted me to break it.

"Hans?"

He hummed, the deep vibration roaring from his chest.

"You know Albert Einstein?"

The hand that was petting my hair paused. "The scientist?"

"Yeah."

"What about him?" he asked, his voice filled with enough confusion to give me a mental picture of the puzzled expression on his face right now.

"Albert Einstein had failed marriages and a lot of extra-marital affairs. He's done some pretty 'wrong things' too, according to society, but that's not what he's remembered for, is it? The world remembers him for his brilliance in his field."

"What are you getting at?"

Smiling, I mumbled into his chest in a muffled whisper but audibly enough for him to make out, "I'm saying that your history doesn't define who you're capable of becoming. Don't let what happened with your mom and dad bind you from what you're truly meant for. Jonathon Blythe is a brilliant man, and he is treated with respect that he's spent years earning. So are you."

"Right. Me? Respected?"

Hans snorted loudly, causing me to snap my eyes open and look at him up, my chin resting on his chest. The sarcasm in his voice was undeniable, but so was the pain...the shame. Things he shouldn't be feeling at all.

I punched him on the chest a little lightly, ignoring the eye-roll I got.

"I respect you. Doesn't that count for something?"

His eyes crinkled in happiness as he beamed down at me, my words having the intended effect. Bowing his head down, Hans captured my lips in a long, drawn out kiss. I sighed halfway into it, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull myself closer to him. This kind of closeness was what I'd always longed for...and spent years avoiding. When we parted, he quickly beckoned me into his arms again, making sure I was snuggled in like before, giving me but a second to catch the beautiful grin he had on.

"Now enough of your ass-kissing and get some shut-eye, will you, Henderson?"

Back to square one again. I grumbled under my breath but did as I was told, secretly enjoying the sound of the chuckle that rose out of his chest.

At some point while listening to the steady thud of his heart against his chest, I dozed off but I didn't miss the way he sighed contentedly and pulled me in closer to him. I didn't miss the lingering kiss he pressed against my forehead, and I certainly didn't miss the silent 'thank you' he whispered into my skin, thinking that I would never have, in a million years, have heard it. 

_____

Song: Bare by Wildes 

Vote goal: 30

I wrote this chapter while listening to this song. It got me teary; I'm so proud of my babies. Tris is falling hard. And so is Hans. Enjoy these moments, my readers, for disaster is just around the corner. ;) 

Vote and comment, as always! It makes my day <3 


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