Peter's pov

After two days ™

Finally we are heading home. I haven't been so happy or enthusiastic the last few days in the farm house despite all the funny activities, I don't feel like it. Cole and Nico were coming back. Luca has been trying to get me to talk or to do anything, I told him multiple times I was fine and all but he seems to not believe me, whatever. I stopped talking to him, not that I want to, I just don't feel like it. I feel if I distance myself a bit then maybe it will hurt me less, then maybe it will cause less worry and anxiety and maybe they won't have to worry about their charge of a son and brother who can't even handle all of this.

The whole way back home, I just stared out of the window, the whole scene reviving in my head. I have seen my dad almost getting killed, my brothers too. None are ever safe, it kills me so much.

I distracted dad by asking for a gun too... I'm just useless... The only thing he was thinking about was getting me out... He knows how useless and helpless I am. I fucked up big time. Only if I wasn't so stupid and demanding maybe he wouldn't have gotten hurt.

I could feel my throat having a lump and eyes heating up.

Yeah now start your waterfall like a damn cry baby you are!

Can't let them be at peace for a moment. Shut up! I am not doing anything against them.

I bit my inner cheek tightly, almost causing it to bleed. Won't cry, won't worry them. They don't have to bear the charges of the fact that I was born this useless

I was still staring out, not paying attention to my brother.

" Peter!!!" Dad called me as he shook me

" Y.. yeah daddy?" I asked, getting away from my thoughts as I looked up at him

" Your brother was talking to you."

" Oh, what is it, Luca?" I asked him turning to him

" I asked what do you want me to get you?"

" Eh sorry, I was almost feeling sleepy so I didn't hear you. Get me for what?" I asked

" To eat."

" Oh , nothing. I am not hungry, just get me a bottle of water."

" Pete, you haven't eaten from 5 hours...  Get you a mini pizza?"

" Okay." I agreed

I know he won't leave me without it.

" Okay." He smiled and went out

Few minutes later he came with a mini pizza and two coffees for him and dad and carried on driving. I had the pizza, I was gonna leave after two slices but Luca insisted on me to finish all four. I was done and dozed off eventually because it was impossible to shut those thoughts off.

Time skip™

I feel myself being shook. I opened my eyes slowly to find dad telling me to get up. We had reached home. We got in and met Cole and Nico. I hugged Nico tightly, I missed him so much. Then I went to Cole, his cologne, so relaxing. I kept hugging him then we went to the living room to sit. I was practically clinging on to Cole for dear life, his smell made me feel safe, feel protected.

" Dad, are you fine?" Cole asked as he was holding me

" Yeah, a lot... Like really you shouldn't have left your girlfriends and work and come here."

" Man, seeing you this fine is what matters, Dad. Our girls know that." Nico replied

" My mini, you had fun?" Cole asked me 

I nodded still holding him, I can't possibly remember the good things now. My mind is not leaving that scene.

" Pete, you know that I hate nodding... You have words to use... I missed hearing your voice."

" I did. Cole, I am tired. I am going to my room." I said as I pulled away from him and got up

He didn't say a word and let go of me.

" And you, Luca, did you have fun?"

" Dad told me he made many friends there." Nico scoffed, teasing Luke

I walked to my room quietly. I don't want to be there. I got in and lay on my bed staring at the ceiling blankly.

Why am I like this? Why does my family have to be in so much risk always? I can't stop worrying about them. I can't let them know how much of a pussy I am.

They don't express it but I know I am just an extra burden on them, always so clingy. My mind feels like a prison at the moment and I am suffocating . I felt my throat burning and there I let out a tear. I will call it a big mistake because soon enough, I couldn't stop the pool of tears streaming down my eyes. 

I am so tired of everything, I am tired of myself. Only if I disappear, I will lose this worry and nerve wrecking anxiety of losing my people anytime. I wouldn't be there, it would be easier for them.

I wish I perish away with the dust and no one notice, so they won't get hurt.

I kept crying then went to the bathroom and locked it. What if they come in here? I washed my face several times. Splash after splash, as if I am trying to wash off this image of myself but I can't. As if I am trying to be positive and erase the whole stuff away from my mind, but I can't.

" My little prince!! Where are you?" I heard Cole's voice as he was in my room

I got out of the bathroom and said, " I was using the bathroom."

" Ohh! Just using the bathroom... You don't seem missed me this much." Cole said as he looked at me sadly

" Nothing like that, I did miss you." I said as I hugged him

" Why so cold, huh?" He asked hugging me back

" I am not."

I had to hold everything in me to not cry my heart out to him.

" Ohh this is not the truth! I hate lying, Pete... You know that you can tell me... I know it was scary to see Dad get shot... I know it's scary to live into this mess but don't hold it back, don't push us... We are your family. We love you... You are our precious." He said as he rubbed my back and kissed my forehead

I couldn't help but let a tear out then started sobbing quietly.

" It's... so... Much." I said in between my soft cries.

I can't help it in front of him. I lost all my demeanor and just cried my heart out.

" I know it is! I feel you... But I assure you that everything will be alright! Just calm down. You are so strong that you are trying to put up with all this... I love you so much mini me. You are safe."

" None... Are safe... Dad shot... All my fault." I cried more and choked in between my sobs

" Ohh Pete... It's not your fault. Things like this happen but look daddy is fine, you and your brother... He was concentrating on getting you and your brother safe for his sons and I would have done the same... We have nothing important but you and Luke! Nothing! So it's not your fault... It's our choice and you have nothing to do with it."

I nodded and kept snuggling into him

" Good to let it out, I wanna cry too, it was scary to think that I could have lost any of you there... So happy to see you all three and Sofia too fine." He kissed my forehead

" Love you Cole." I said as he wiped my tears and I drifted off to sleep

" I love you too." He played with my hair and put me on the bed still not letting go of me, and covered us with blanket

Next morning™

I got up and found Cole there beside me. I was in a different zone today. I was craving cigarettes. I am still on my stand and despite venting out to him, I don't feel fine. I was going to escape.

I got out of the bed without acknowledging him

" Where Pete?"

" Bathroom." I replied shortly not looking back and got in to wash up

" Pete, I'm in the living room if you need me." He said as he knocked on the door

" Okay." I replied from inside

I opened that pack of cigarettes and grabbed one. Ohh let's relax. I took the lighter out and lit it. When I took the first hit, I could feel my mind freeing the toxicity as I let out the smoke. I finished the cigar, washed my mouth and showered. I got downstairs. I feel like going on a walk.

My phone rang and I replied," Hey Miles."

" Hey Pete, man I'm happy your father is okay and I was wondering can you come over today or tomorrow? Like enjoy a bit."

" Let's meet today, I am coming." I said then hung up the call

I went to the living room to inform them

" Morning, I am going to Miles'." I said plainly

" Yeah, have fun." Daddy said, smiling

" I'll take you there." Nico said

" No, thanks Nico. I am fine by myself."

" I'm not asking you." He sang

" And I'm not asking for your help... I'm good with my own." I walked out the door and left the house, " Bye"

The jerk! I said I can go alone, he doesn't understand.

I walked to Miles' place and knocked in, I still had those cigars in my pockets. I am gonna need them

" Hey Man! " He said as he opened the door and we shared a bro handshake.

" Lev there?"

" No, working as usual. Hope with her parents so it's just us chilling for the day."

" Perfect!"

I can't be caught smoking, specially not by Lev. We got in and went to his room, started playing. Suddenly my mood played its game again and I took out the cigar and lit it. Miles watched me in shock. I ignored him and took a hit casually.

He snatched the cigar from me causing himself a burn and yelled, " What the fuck are you doing?!"

" Shh, relax, just a hit." I said taking the cigar back and smoke again

" Just a hit? Peter! you can't be smoking! That shit is dangerous."

" You are telling me?" I scoffed

" Yeah! I am telling you. I know what harm it can cause. I learnt it the hard way. I won't let you do it."

" If you don't shut it, I am going." I said standing up while he looked at me furiously

" I will tell your brothers if you don't stop it."

" Do it and you won't see me again."

" Pete, think rationally, you can share if you are in some distress. You don't have to go back to the shit."

" I am not going back to any shit Miles, just this one, this one time."

He sighed and sat down. " You won't take another after this."

" Okay."

We sat down playing again and spent the rest of the afternoon like that.

" Pete?"

" Yeah?"

" What's bothering you bro? you know you can share it."

" You, shut up and play."

" Pete, please let me help."

" Don't help me! I'm good... I'm going home." I said to him standing up

" Pete, please calm down, I'll shut up." He held my arm

" Leave the fuck." I pushed him and left

I walked to the park angrily and took out the cigar and smoked again. All of this got on my nerves badly. I am so tired of looking like some vulnerable being who can't support himself. I stayed at the park smoking the fuck out of me. I need something stronger, this is not enough. I went to the nearest Pizza shop and got myself some pizza. Then I walked to this club area, they usually got all sorts of dealers there. I met one and got some weed.

I went back to the park and sat under the tree, lighting up the weed and just letting the shit high me up from everything. I was so high on it, the numbness I felt calmed down a lot. I stayed in there till I lost the after effects and looked fine enough to be home. It was almost afternoon and I walked back home. I got in and headed straight to my room, not wanting to encounter any of them

I got in my room and sat down. My phone rang several times. It was Aria calling me. I had a call earlier too that I ignored. I hung up on her. She tried again but I did the same and soon there were no calls.

Nico barged into my room," Pete, are you better now?"

" Yeah, sorry for earlier."

" Hmm."

" Nico, are you upset with me?"

I couldn't help but ask him, I feel so guilty suddenly

" Ohh yeah. You were so rude to me when I asked one normal thing."

" I know, I am sorry."

All I do is to cause them distress with me and my stupid behavior. I am so ridiculous, I don't deserve them. It's good that I stay away.

" Ohh it's okay! Just want a bit of niceness from my baby brother." He hugged me

I hugged him back tightly, tearing up again like the stupid fucking crybaby I am!

" What's up baby bro?"

" I am sorry, I feel so bad." I said crying my heart out

I don't know what's happening to me. One moment I want to stay away from them all, the other moment, I cry my heart out to them needing their comfort.

" Ohh baby bro... I hate seeing you like this. Those tears are so precious and there is nothing to feel bad about.. I'm actually not mad."

I nodded my head and he wiped my tears away. 

" Where are the others?"

" Luke went out with Marc to check the dogs."

" Dad? Is he fine?"

" Yeah, he is working a bit."

" Okay." I said as I went quiet

" Ohh my little angel." He kissed me, " You are always the cutest kid ever, little pizza."

I giggled slightly. " Why pizza? how can you call your brother a pizza?"

" Because it's my favorite fast food and you're so fast to love... Luca, donut and you, pizza." He explained

I chuckled, " You naming your brothers after your favorite food?"

" Yeah, it's a fuck."

" A fuck? What are you even saying Nico?"

" I mean fact... Sorry I'm a bit sleepy." He laughed

" Then let's sleep, I am sleepy too."

" Just let me check your fever? Or you will do it on your own?"

" None, I'm fine."

" Okay! Let's sleep then." Nico said and hugged me

I slept hugging him tightly, not leaving the slightest bit of comfort. I woke up and I was in that moment and mood again.

7pm™

We went down for dinner and I ignored almost everyone at the dinner again. I came back to my room, had a cigar in the bathroom and came out. Luca did come to check on me but I didn't talk much to him and he left saying goodnight. I didn't want to ignore him but I just wasn't in the mood.

The next day™

I woke up and checked my phone. I again had two missed calls from Aria . She called me again, this time I picked up.

" Hey Aria."

" Hey Pete, how are you? Is everything alright?"

" Yeah and I am good."

" Don't lie to me, tell me what happened! You didn't pick my calls up nor chatted me back, you are not sounding as your usual self. What's wrong babe?"

" Nothing."

Even she knows I am all pathetic

" How is it nothing?! You started smoking! Ignoring me! ignoring us!"

" How do you know that?"

" That-"

Fucker! he called and told her

" Not important, that Miles, I know."

" Pete, let's meet today, we can talk about it. You don't have to smoke or get it worse for you. I am here, I can help."

She carried on insisting like that

" I don't want to meet you anymore, nor do I want to talk about anything. We are over Aria."

" Pete-"

I hung up.

It's good for her to be away form me, I am so fucked up. So unsafe and with mine I risk her too. She doesn't deserve me. All of this and how I treated her made me shudder from inside. I went to the bathroom to take a hit but I wasn't left with any cigarettes.

I was getting so agitated and so irritated. I showered, changed and slid some money in my pocket. I need something for me before I burst out. I got out of my room and met Luke in the living room.

" Morning spider, how are you?"

" HOW DO I LOOK LIKE?! ARE YOU DUMB TO ASK SAME QUESTION THE WHOLE TIME?!? I AM SICK OF IT, FUCKING STOP!"

" Pete, I asked a little question. Why are you yelling like this." Luke said, looking at me shocked

" Because you are getting on my nerves. Stop it, you don't have to check on me every fucking minute. I am not some kid the way you treat me. You are my brother, two years older, so just behave like it. No need to go all dad on me." I lashed him out so bad like I have never done this

I was so agitated. I had just called a breakup and I am craving a cigar so bad. I just happen to let it out all here.

" FINE!!! I thought I'm taking care of my brother but like I see... I won't care anymore." He left the room and slammed the door behind him

I stood stunned. I feel hurt and guilty? I don't want to be here. I don't want to cause more of this. I am getting insane. Did I really just say all that to HIM? And like I wanted 'he won't care anymore '... Would he really not?

Why you are so fucked up Peter?!

I gritted my teeth and just marched out of the damned room to go outside. I felt someone grab the back of my shirt to stop me. This is Luca's way

I turned me to him and he hugged me," Pete, I love you and I care about you... I don't know why you're ignoring me but I'm always here if you need me. I won't annoy you with questions."

I hugged him back and mumbled a small sorry, looking aside. I am yet not over the rollercoaster of feelings and I might do all the stupidity again, I don't want to do so.

How is he still bearing with me? I feel so bad and so guilty that I can't explain what's going on with me.

We went downstairs to have breakfast. I wished a small morning to everyone and the room was dead silent. I just looked at my plate and finished the food to not have them over my neck

I was having this strong urge to smoke that I tried surpassing. I went back to my room and played video games. For the first time I wasn't enjoying it. It was just like I was playing for the sake of playing, no interest left.

Cole barged into my room," Minion, that girl Aria comes and wants to talk to you."

" Okay, can we talk here in my room please?"

" Yeah... Anyway, she is familiar with being here." He smirked at me," No touchy touchy. No lovey dovey."

" Yeah yeah, don't worry."

Something never changes, he knew the times I have sneaked her in here? I was amused by that.

" Aria, the prince calling you in the room." He yelled in the house

" C'mon, not like that. Anyways, excuse us."

Aria got in the room and closed the door. " I can't believe you Peter, I just can't! We don't resolve things like this."

" It's for your own good, Aria. You don't have to be with me. It's better that we stay apart." I tried explaining her calmly

" What do you mean? What do you mean, you can't just leave me." She cupped my face and looked through my eyes with those beautiful comforting eyes

She was making all my body hyping for her... Making me melt, weak and craving to hug her.

" I..." I looked away and whispered lightly," You don't deserve me, you deserve someone better."

" But I want you, you are the best for me... Look at me Pete, do you stopped loving me?" She turned to face me

" No, never."

" So why? We can go through it together, I want to be by your side, you didn't leave me in my worst moment."

I just hugged her, I can't believe I was stupid enough to think to let her go. She hugged me back, calming my nerves down, then looked up at me and said with teary eyes," You are just upset, don't push me."

" I am sorry, I love you. I will be fine soon." I said as my lips traced to hers and we shared a kiss then rested my forehead on hers.

She put her right hand on my cheek and whispered," I'm here, Peter... I'm always here."

The kiss, her touch worked magic on me. I was relaxed and kinda happy that she just didn't leave. She loved me enough to come and sort it.

" Thanks." I whispered

" No biggie, but if you say we are over again, I will chop your tongue."

" Yes madam, no more of that." I saluted. " But more of this." I said as I kissed her again

I started kissing her several times

" What if your brothers come in here?" She giggled trying to make me stop

" Ohh I don't mind it."

" Pete, I get yo..." Dad stopped in his tracks.

" Lasagna." As Marco finished appearing behind him.

Oh Fuck! Not Dad!!! Cole too? Those two combined. Ugh forget Cole he is still my brother but