twenty-six

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song inspo:

addicted - simple plan

fuck, i'm lonely - lauv & anne-marie

chapter 26

[ H A R R Y ]

Watching her go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The first time, at least. This time, it's gut-wrenching.

My heart felt like it'd been ripped out of my chest. I felt broken. Broken for her. This feeling, it was a new one. I felt embarrassed but more hurt.

I was angry at first. Angry that Mikaela had the audacity of putting something so privately and personal out there like it was nothing. The territory she claimed she had on me was flat out ridiculous. I was furious.

But I didn't care. In that moment, from the tears brimming Ray's eyes and the way she took off, I didn't care.

I felt more responsible and guilty of it than I did the first time.

I took off after her, yet again. I need to make sure she's okay. The first time the rumor was spread, I let myself watch her go off the rails. She fell off the radar for a while. And it sucked knowing I was the reason for it.

In the beginning, I didn't seem to care. At least, I made it seem like I didn't. When deep down, I was worried. Constantly. I just didn't want to show it.

When I make it to the lot, Ray was already gone. Her car was nowhere to be found and I'm already racing to my own car and speeding to her house.

I can't believe I let this happen. Granted, the first time was just a rumor but I was just a dumb kid who wanted to look cool. This time, it was an actual secret I wanted to keep between the two of us. One nobody should've known about, just us two.

I tap at the screen of my car and quickly hit Ray's number, calling it and hearing it ring two or three times until it hits voicemail. I try again and again until the fourth time. I'm frustrated and worried as the voicemail tone beeps and I'm flustered.

What would I even say? Something that I haven't already?

I hang up without a word.

Finally, after nearly a half hour of driving, I make it to her house. And slowly, as I shut off my car, I notice the surroundings.

I don't get it. Her car is here, but the light to her room is off. There's no way she's sleeping.

Unless...

My heart aches again at the thought of her possibly crying herself to sleep. I didn't want to imagine it. But I couldn't help it.

When I step out of my car, slowly beginning to approach the house, something catches my attention and I look to my side at Reagan's car. Inside the car, was Ray herself. Hands on the wheel, head pressed against the center as she shakes. Crying. Just as I assumed.

I'm about to approach her when she abruptly steps out, taking in a breath to calm herself before she turns around and notices me.

"Ray-"

"What are you doing here?"

"Ray, I-"

"Harry, I don't wanna see you, can you please just go away," She cries out through her tears that continue to run down her cheeks. "Harry, please just-"

I don't let her finish when I pull her in for a hug. One I knew she needed. One I should've given her the first time around. She's tense at first; silent. But eventually relaxes into the hug.

"Ray, I'm so sorry," I tell her, holding her tighter. "I'm so, so sorry." I reach behind her head and face her, her nose pressed against mine as I plant kisses around the corners of her mouth and on her lips. "I'll fix this, I promise."

Ray tenses up again, pulling back as her eyebrows furrow and she begins to frown as she pushes me off.

"Fix this? You were the one that caused this!" She shouts.

"Ray-"

"No!" She shouts, "You did this! If you hadn't spread that stupid rumor about me to begin with, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. More so, myself. I'd have had a better high school experience. I wouldn't have had guys harassing me and nearly groping me every chance they got!"

"What? Ray, what-"

"You did this," She cried again, only harder.

She was harassed?

"Why didn't I know about any of this?"

"Are you kidding me?" She said, the tears staining her cheeks, "Why or how would you have known? Would it have even made a difference?"

"A huge difference, Reagan," I frown and begin to feel even worse over this dumb rumor. "What- What did they..."

"You don't want to know," She shakes her head, "Either way, it wouldn't have made a difference."

"Ray, please-"

"Harry, just go," She cries out. "Go. Get the hell out of here and leave me the hell alone!"

"Ray-"

"You're dead to me."

I step back. For a second, I thought, why did this feel so familiar?

But deep down, I knew the answer to that question. I knew it all too well.

And that was it. Those were the only words she had to say. To rile me up and push me away.

I frown, my eyebrows pulled together and my anger rising by the second; and, given my anger, for a sheer moment, I knew this wasn't my best response. But I was just too pissed to care.

"Fine!" I shout, her reaction remains un-phased which only triggered me more into saying the next words I knew would affect her, "I can't believe I ever thought of letting you back into my life. My life was perfectly fine without you in it."

Ray doesn't react. The only thing she does is respond, which surprises me.

"Likewise," Her glare holding my baffled gaze.

She turns on her heel and takes off, not bothering to look back. The response was... unexpected. I thought she'd cry and take off. Not saying a word. Though, I would've hated myself for it, this feeling felt much worse.

I mean, I knew I was lying. I just hoped she was, too.

October 18th, 2012 / Thursday afternoon

"Fuck you, Harry," She spat as she stepped away from me, "You're dead to me."

Those words. Those words were all it took for her to put an ax in our friendship. Some silly rumor and she wanted to end it? Just like that?

Whatever, I thought to myself. She'll be over it by tomorrow. Or so I thought.

But the next day, Ray pretended as if I didn't exist. She ignored me, started taking different routes to class so she wouldn't even see me.

Then came lunch, and she was always around a different groups of guys. Each damn time. Trying to replace me? Already?

But then she starts to isolate herself. Little by little.

That went on for a week. And then one week turned to two, until it turned it into a month, and then another month, and so on. Until two and a half years go by and she's suddenly a social butterfly.

At some points, I thought she had moved. But she was always there. In the background, or just in the back in general. Either by herself, or with Mikaela. But mainly, just by herself.

At the time, I figured she was just deep into her studies to get out of here. It wasn't until recently that I found out why.

+

^ don't worry y'all, the beginning of that flashback was Harry's memory AS A TEEN. at the time, he blamed ray for ending their friendship, not his actions.

anyway, I worked some long ass hours for 8 days straight at one point, & then trying to write this in between my free time was the hardest thing ever. I'm so committed to finish this book but holy hell this was difficult. hope it was good, tbh I feel like it's gonna flop sooooo let's see how it goes!

love you alllll sooooooo much.

- ky

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