TWENTY-THREE

OCTOBER CAME to a quick end. I've been keeping track in a small notebook I found in one of the drawers in the kitchen by drawing out a mediocre calendar. Today is the first of November, and I sketched a tiny outline of a leaf beside the box I crossed off with the number one in the corner.

I didn't realize being trapped in between four walls can make time pass through my fingers like water. I haven't seen much of Sebastian around during these last days. He's been keeping mostly to himself and being inside the shed, which I find weird because I expected him to act different, especially since I accepted what he had proposed. I thought he would be clingy or push me into sculpting again, but he's been so consumed by whatever is in that shed to my relief.

I do wonder what's inside but the idea of Sebastian being occupied with something not having to do anything with me, gives me enough closure to not prey.

Wedging a pencil into the inside cover of the notebook, I close it and slip it inside the pillowcase of the back pillow on the bed. There's really no point of me hiding it, but it makes me feel at confront knowing it's there for me.

I get up from off the floor and bend down to wipe off the mixture of sand and dust sticking onto my knees. A door opens from outside and I stand up straight, swift, and push the front of my hair back. I hear Sebastian's steps echo louder and louder as he nears me and watch how the doorknob rattles, obviously struggling to open the door.

It takes him a second, but once the door opens, Sebastian walks in slowly with his eyes sprinting all around before settling on me, and smiles.

"What are you doing?"

It's a innocent question, but I can't help but hear suspicion behind it. I'm standing in the middle of the room with hands placed beside me rigid and feet set awkwardly apart. I look like I have something to hide but there's no uncertainty on Sebastian, he looks unbothered.

Maybe, I'm just overthinking.

"Nothing," I answer. "Why?"

Sebastian's smile inches wider. "Good, come on."

"What?" Perplexed, I scratch my forearm and clench my stomach. He takes notice of my fiddly movements and dims his smile so that his face looks more at ease and mellow.

"Remember awhile back I said I was going to take you out to the water?" Sebastian pauses, waiting for me respond or at least look like I know what he's talking about. He continues when he sees nothing from me. "Well, today's the day."

He tilts his head at me and waits for me again to say something. I do remember, and I know Sebastian does too, but he wants some kind of approval from my part. I remain quiet and flicker my eyes to the door, signaling for him to walk out first.

Sebastian runs his tongue over his bottom and then nods, finally understanding, and walks out of the bedroom with me following behind. As he's about to step out of the house, Sebastian glances over his shoulder to reassure that I'm still there. He pushes the door and holds it open for me to walk out first, but I nudge my head for him to go first.

He mumbles an 'okay' under his breath and continues striding ahead. I really don't feel like being around him today, but I keep reminding myself eight months is better than forever. I have to, at least, attempt to keep Sebastian happy, even if it doesn't make me feel good. Going through with what he wants to do is the only way to make the days pass by even faster, and make things easier on myself.

The rust sky bleeds through the side of my eyes as we walk down the same path we did last time when Sebastian wanted to show me the seabirds. It doesn't take us long to reach the edge of the island, and for him to take his shoes off without a single word.

I take a step back and place my hands on my shoulders as Sebastian twists his head over to me.

"Take your shoes off." Is all he says before turning back around and removing his socks.

"What?" I add more pressure to my shoulders and rock on the ball of my feet.

"We're getting in,"

"You said we were coming out here to see,"

"I didn't say that exactly," Sebastian stuffs his socks inside his shoes beside him and crouches down to cuff his jeans. "I just said I was going to take us out here."

I shake my head, even though he can't see me, and take another step back. "I...I don't want to. Not today." I add the last part in a hurry."

Sebastian turns around to me and holds my stare before exhaling through his mouth. "It has to be today, the tide is perfect." He frowns when he sees me not moving. "You said you were going to try."

"I know, but..." My sentence fade, there's no right way of putting my words. "I don't know."

His frown turns into a small grin, "It's going to be okay."

Stop saying that.

With a final look at me, Sebastian returns to face the ocean and slips his T-shirt off. He tosses it to the side and walks closer to the water, the setting sun glinting down on the contour of his back.

Sebastian's built is taut and hench, like something out of a magazine or a music video, and it makes me wonder if he worked anywhere else beside the pavilion that would require for him to look like that.

"Vanessa,"

I lower my head before Sebastian can catch me looking at him, taking my hands down and steadying myself.

"You only have to take off your shoes." He glances to see if I am. I feel his stare on my head as I slowly slide my sandals off and inch towards him, making sure to not look at him directly.

I stand beside him in silence while fidgeting with the hem of my bermuda shorts as Sebastian continues to stare me down. He looks at me for a good minute before leaving my side.

He doesn't speak, but walks with ease into the water. As he goes further in, the number eight flashes itself repeatedly in my head over and over, reminding me the end is near. Sebastian tosses me a glimpse and extends an arm out.

Breathing intensely, I pinch the side of my leg and gradually dip into the ocean. The water is bitter and nips at my exposed legs, almost as if welcoming back.

Sebastian gestures for me to follow and we sink in deeper, keeping our movement steady. I prick at the inside of my cheek with my teeth when the water begins to level up the length of my legs.

We dive in until the water sits just above my stomach and we aimlessly float there for awhile. I look down at the abyss of water wrapped around my lower body and wonder if there's anything lingering below us, something larger than a fish. Maybe there's something down there that can smell the rotten blood in Sebastian and can yank him down to the ocean's trenches and feast on him. Or maybe, once he turns his back to me, I can push myself down on his shoulders and, with the weight of my body, shove him underneath until he's unconscious, or gone.

"Okay, try to lay on your back." Sebastian takes me away from my thoughts and slants back to give me space.

"What? No," Is he serious?

"Here," He leans a bit closer to me and wiggles his fingers. "I'll help you."

Sebastian juts his chin and pods me to turn around, laying his hands out above the water for support. Fretful and unsure, I rotate myself and slowly, like really slow, tip my upper body back onto his hands. I feel one hand settle underneath my head and the other on my back.

"Okay, submerge your ears in the water and keep your chin lifted." He instructs closely. "It's going to feel uncomfortable at first, but just continue to lift your chin until the water levels at mid-cheek."

I do as Sebastian says, but my stomach drops at the feeling of me drowning in and I immediately start to sit up with eyes wide. I feel both so heavy and small above the water, but what's bothering the most is Sebastian's hands on me. He wants to put me in such a vulnerable position.

"No, it's okay." Sebastian rushes and puts his hand on my shoulder and gently pushes me back. "Here," His hand returns to hold my back and presses it up so that my back is arched and my chest and stomach lifted. "Yeah, bend your knees like that and keep legs a bit open."

Biting down on my tongue, I follow Sebastian's guide and dangle my legs down to keep my body afloat while keeping my eyes directed on the sky. My hearing grains and as the water line passes my ears and I point my chin up until the water reaches the middle of my cheeks.

I look at Sebastian and see his lips moving, but I can't hear clearly what's he's saying. There's a light smile on his face and his eyes look bright and soft. He also looks young and radiant underneath this light, or it can be the angle, but regardless, Sebastian looks like how he did to me that night below the lights from the display.

And that makes my skin crawl and my chest vanish somewhere inside me.

I look away before Sebastian sees me staring at him and I feel his hands slip away from underneath. Feeling my body shifting downward at the sudden change, I take small kicks with my legs and center my head, moving my hands beside my head.

From the corner of my eye, I watch Sebastian pull himself away and align his body with the surface of the water, copying what he had instructed me to do. Some enough, we're both floating on our backs in complete silence.

It feels intense, yet blissful, like I'm a cloud on the water waiting to be drifted away with any slight breeze, or like I'm merely a breath of air. I close my eyes and allow myself to be consumed in the sensation.

My thoughts feel at peace and weightless, just like they would back at home when I would lay on shaggy mat in my room. There's no Sebastian, no island, just me.

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"How did it feel?"

We had left the ocean sometime when the sky was beginning to pitch down from a navy blue color to an almost black. Sebastian's in the kitchen cutting up an apple as he asks his question again. I heard him the first time, but I don't want to share so I lay my head against the arm of the couch and stare at the ground, hoping Sebastian can get the message.

"Vanessa," He presses.

I peer up at him and tense my mouth into a twist. "Okay." Sebastian stares at me longer, somewhat bothered about my one word reply, and then looks down to place the apple slices on a flat plate.

He walks up to me and sets the plate on the coffee table and sits down on the other edge of the couch, grabbing the towel beside him and rubbing his still wet hair between it. Sebastian glances at me and then at the plate before reaching over to push it closer to my side.

I sit up and bend forward for a slice, not because he wants me to, but because I'm starving. Sebastian heated up soup for dinner and I wasn't in the mood of eating the same soup he always chooses so I skipped the meal all together. That's when he offered to cut up an apple for me.

"I...I think I felt like myself, I don't know." I suddenly say, not being able to process the words first. I shove the slice into my mouth and chew fast, praying he didn't hear me.

Sebastian puts the towel down and parts his mouth, looking at me, like really looking at me before smiling open that I can see his top row of teeth.

I begin to regret staying in the same room as him. I should've taken the plate into the room and locked myself away for the rest of the night.

"What did you feel?" I ask to change the direction things are going, but I think that just made things worse because Sebastian's smile craves in deeper.

"Happy."

Not wanting to look at his smile any longer, I focus my eyes on apples as I reach for another slice.

"I told you would coming out to the water would make you appreciate the island a little more." Sebastian adds further.

"You're getting the wrong idea." I say.

His smile pales and he raises his eyebrows. "You think so?"

"Yes,"

Sebastian shakes his head, "Nah, I think you're afraid to admit it."

I drop the piece of apple back onto the plate and finally glance at him. "I think you're delusional."

He lets out a hallowed laugh and pushes his hair back. "I thought we were over this."

"You think so?" I repeat his words to him.

Sighing, Sebastian scratches the stubble below his jaw. "You don't see it do you? This is your land, Vanessa. It was made for you, that's why you felt like yourself out there."

"You're reading too much into this."

"No. Look," Sebastian stands up and sinks a hand into his back pocket and pulls out a polaroid picture. He holds it out to me and I take it in my hand. It's a photo of the ocean with the sun setting behind it, just how it looked earlier. "This is what I wanted to show you that day you didn't want to give me your hand. It's a picture I took last year."

"What?"

"See how the light of the sun spreads over that part of the water, all the color and warmth?" I don't have to nod for him to know I know what he's talking about. "You were floating in the middle of that. The sun looked exactly like it did in that picture."

And to be honest, it looked wildly beautiful.

"The light was coming out of you, you were glowing." I look up from the photograph and part my lips to speak, but for moment I forget how to. "Since the beginning, the land chose you, Vane."

It's all unclear to me, but the words leaving Sebastian's mouth make it feel like my life is being noticed, like it matters somehow. I look down at the picture again and stare at it until Sebastian leaves me alone with it and goes into his room.

I close my hand around the photograph and carry it with me into the room. I grab my tiny notebook and wedge the picture into the last page, and save it underneath my pillow.

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