Trigger warning, things becomes depressive here. Please read at your on risk.

Dhruv's point of view

I rolled the sharp blade around my finger and looked at it blankly. I was thinking how it feels when the sharp edge of the knife touched your bare hand and cut your pulsing nerve slowly, giving you the unbearable pain. How it feels when blood streams out from your vain, staining your all clothes but give you the pleasure you are craving for.

You feel the pain first when the sharp edges of blade cutting your skin slowly but when pain reached on its peak point you started feeling numb. But you feel relax that finally you are getting punishment what you deserved. When all blood drained out from your body you will slowly sleep in death's lap.

You supposed to die but you live long enough but God already made his plane for you. He is already ready to send you in hell because you don't deserve earth or heaven. You only born to roat in hell.

Hii..my name is Yash. Are you new here?

His voice echoed inside my head like I met him yesterday. My mind was telling me to feel the pain once again. It wanted to see my blood and telling me, how much disgusting I am.

The pain was unbearable every time.

I traced the sharp edge of blade on my hand and cut my skin slowly.

They loves to hurt me Dhruv. It gave them pleasure.

I yelped in pain but I didn't stop, I keep cutting my skin until I seen the blood streaming out from me. I wanted to feel the same pain which he went through every single day. I again missed my vain but my mind was feeling satisfied looking at my blood. It was laughing inside me and telling me how pathetic I am, I can't complete the little task.

I can't live anymore like this. It hurts to live like this. No one can save me not even you. Take care my friend. See you in heaven.

A lone tear fell from my right eye when I remember his last words. He told me to meet him in heaven but I know, I didn't even deserve the hell.

Maybe it was an easy punishment for me to die easily but I don't deserve to live also. Every single day, my guilt becomes heavier than the other day and it was eating me from inside like a leach. It was like breathing becomes the most toughest task in my life.

I threw the blade away and look at my bleeding hand. He must be felt like this when the monsters in his life used to cut him. His body also went numb with pain when his parents used to beat him till he lost his consciousness. I could have save him.

I could have save him from those monsters but I didn't. He deserves to live but monsters in his life took his life and I was standing there watching him took his last breath. I am not less than any monster. I could have helped him but I was cowered standing there and watch him when he hanged himself to death infront of me and I couldn't do anything.

He saved my life many time but he threw himself in a pit of hell.

Should I deserve to be live?

No...

But I can't give myself an easy death. I deserve a slow and painful death. I want to go through every single pain which he went through every day. I want to count every single breath of mine when I took my last breath. Maybe after that god will forgive me. Maybe then I can ask my forgiveness to Yash. My vision get blurr, tears welled up in my eyes when I feel his pain which I feel for past four years.
Suddenly my eyes fell on my IAS preparation books.

I want to become an IAS officer.

Tears streamed out from my both eyes when his words echoed in my mind. It wasn't me who want to become an IAS officer, it was him, who wants be an IAS officer but before he could achieve his dream, he sleep in the lap of death. This world tortured him till he hang himself to death.

After his death, I oath to complete his dream. He is still live inside me and to complete his dream, I want to feel his presence in my life again. After completing his dream I can die in peace and looked eyes to him.

I can't die before completing his dream.

I wiped my tears with my forearm and pulled out the first aid kit from my study table. Without cleaning the blood, I wrap my wounded wrist  with white bandage. It wasn't the first time I cut myself. I do it often to remind me the punishment and feel the pain. My right hand is fill with cutting marks. Some are faded and some are new. Everytime I looked at them, they remained me that I don't deserve to be live. I hand myself to the death after completing the task.

My heart is feeling heavy like someone put a heavy stone on it and I struggled to take breath. I feel suffocated and I know, I am close to having panick attack. I was feeling suffocated in my room, I need a fresh air to breath. I rubbed my palm over my chest to calm my heart beats but the pain was still there.

I got up from my chair and walked out from my room. I hurriedly climbed the stairs of my house to geeting the fresh air of evening. I opened the terrace door with thud and run my hand in my hair.

I closed my eyes when cool breeze touched my face. I took a deep breath and feel calm environment. My heart was still beating fast but it was getting calm slowly as I took more deep breaths to calm my mind.

I opened my eyes and looked at the dark sky. Stars are shining proudly in the sky. I was named after the brightest star in the sky but reality was something else. I am not a star and I don't have light in my life. There is only darkness. My soul is painted in black and lost in my own darkness, soon my body also disappear in the darkness and then there will be no Dhruv.

I take a deep breath to push away the negative thoughts and swipe my both hands on my face to calm my heart beating rate.

I took a walk in the terrace and reached near the railing. I was lost in my thoughts when I heard the tinkling of bangles. My eyes follow the sound and I saw her.

My beautiful neighbor was spreading wet cothes on rope and her bangles are tickling when she was jerking the clothes to get of the extra water from them.

I never saw such beautiful girl in my life. Sharp features, fair skin like a milk, her dark hair, everything about her is perfect but I most like her deep coffee brown eyes. They hold the innocence. If you don't know her, just looked into her eyes and then you will know, how innocent she is. Her eyes tell you everything what she is like. They are the open book, which anyone can read easily. But when you look close into her eyes, you see the hidden pain behind those beautiful orbs of her that sometime I can also feel her pain. But she is still my beautiful neighbor.

I still remember when first time I saw her. I can't forget the day, when I saw a angel dancing carelessly under the rain.

It's been almost six months since we shifted to this new city. The beauty of this city is, it's calmness and beauty of the nature. But my mind is still not at ease. It's been two years of the incident but I still can't move on from his death. My family members adjust in our new rented house very easily but I can't. I don't like to shifted from one place to other after two or three years. I want to stay at one place and called it my home.

A drop of water fell on my right cheek to bring me out from my deep thoughts. I looked up to the sky. Dark clouds spread all over the sky and it's soon going to rain heavily.

I was feeling disturbed mentally and negative thoughts are coming inside my mind so clean my head I came to terrace. I was sitting in the bench of the terrace and my mind bring me back to the memory of Yash, and my new life in city.

I got up from the bench and was about to go downstairs when I heard the giggles of the girl and the tinkling sounds of anklets and bangles. My legs automatically walked into the direction of the sound and I stood near the railing. I can hear the giggles and tinkling sounds of the bangles and anklets but I can't see the girl. Suddenly I have a urge to see the girl.

I was standing under the heavy rain, my clothes are soaked in water. I don't like rain a bit but still I was standing under the rain to see the girl to calm down my sudden and weird urge. I ran my fingers in my wet hair and desperately waited for the girl to come out. I don't know why but my mind was getting stubborn. It really wants to see the girl like my life is only depends on her.

Suddenly a girl walked out from the tin shades, in red suit and my eyes stuck on her beautiful face. My heart skip the bit and it started beating faster after looking at the wet beauty infront of it. She dreanced in rain in just a second and she was looking excited looking at the rain. She was wearing a beautiful smile on her face and her small diamond bindi was shining under the rain making her look more beautiful. Her red suit stick to her like a second skin and I can see her navel on her creamy stomach from my terrace. She was looking heavenly beautiful in that red suit.

Suddenly she started dancing while playing with the drops of rain and my lips curled into a smile. I don't  remember when the last time I smile genuinely. My smile always fake around other people but this is the first time I smile genuinely after Yash's death.

She was playing, dancing and jumping in the small pool of water and I was looking at my beautiful neighbor without blinking.

"Aditi...what are you doing in rain. Come downstairs."

My happiness didn't last long. Her mother called her from downstairs and her eyes went wide in horror. Fear was clearly visible in her eyes, like she was about to get scold to get drench in rain.

I chuckled softly and shake my head in amusement when she pouted and stomped her foot on floor. She was looking adorable when she was pouting.

Such a baby...

"Coming mummy..." Saying this, she walked out from the terrace while hanging her head low. I was stood there and watching her every single movement until she dissapeared from my sight.

I felt relax immediately after seeing her that day. I smiled genuinely after long, that day.

There is always calmness on her face but today she was looking lost. I looked closer to her, I saw sadness on her face.

She must be missing her brother, who didn't even bother to hug her last time before leaving. My heart broke when I saw five printed fingers on her right cheek. My heart swell in heaviness, looking at her tearful eyes when her hope bruetly broken by her brother. When everyone leave, my eyes only fixed on her. Though she wasn't looking at me but I can see tears in her eyes. I wanted to comfort her but I stopped myself and pretended to busy in my phone.

A lone tear fell from her eyes but she wiped it before anyone can see it. Maybe her mother again shouted on her or slapped her. She try really hard to hide her vulnerable state behind her beautiful smile, telling everyone that how strong she is, but she lost it whenever she is alone. I witnessed her loneliness many times.

I know everything about her and her family how they treat her. Their voice came to my room when someone shouted on her without any reason because only my room's window open on her house side. In last one year, I came to know one thing about her, her family doesn't love her. She is a unwanted child for them. Though she believes that she has a beautiful family but I know the reality and somewhere she also know that. She is a confident girl and her family is crushing it. I want to save her from this miserable life but I know, I can't. If I want, I can't do anything for her because I am not strong enough.

Whenever I saw her, she reminds me of him. He is also unwanted child for his family. His parents didn't love him and used to torture him. He eventually took his life to free himself from the pain. But I don't want, she also chose the path which he chose. I want her to live beautiful life what she deserves.

She came closer to the railing and tuck a loose strand behind her ear, showing her beautiful long silver earing. Her eyes shifted towards my gate and I know she was looking for me but she doesn't know whom she was looking for, he was standing right infront of her. I know her feelings for me. I am also aware that she waited for me for hours on her terrace, just to get one glimpse of me but she doesn't know I looked my sleeping beauty every night after she sleeps, through my window.

I know she likes me but I am too broken to give love to anyone. My messed up mind didn't alow me to love. My heart feels calm whenever I saw her but I can't come close to her. I don't want to give her any false hope. I also don't know where my future stands. Hell I don't even know, if I live longer or not so how could I promise her to live with her forever. She deserves batter than me.

I feel protected towards her that's why when I saw Raghav's hand on her shoulder, pulling towards his chest and she was giggling on it, I felt urge to beat him. He already has girlfriend from other school, whole school know that but he always flirts with her and I don't like it a bit. But from which right, I will beat him. She is not even my friend and she was looking happy with him.

I chose to ignore her. Maybe that could help my uneasiness but when I saw tears in her eyes when she was bidding a goodbye to her brother I want to go to her and pulled her into a hug.

I wave of hurt passed through my heart when tears welled up in her eyes while looking towards my house. Her nose turned red, lips quivered and I know she was about to cry. It hurts, it's fucking hurts when I saw tears in her eyes. I was requesting to her silently to look towards my terrace. I am here, I am standing right in front of her but my silent plead didn't reach her.

"Aditi..where the hell are you?" Her mother shouted from downstairs.

After giving a last glance to my house's main gate she walked out without turning back and without giving me a glance.

I was stood there on my terrace don't know how long, thinking about my messed up life and her but when I realized  sun already set and darkness begins to spread all over the sky. Streetlights and house lights of our neighbors, gets on. I can hear the fainted Bhajan of god from nearby temple. Environment was clam and soothing which can relax anyone and somewhere I was also feeling relax.

"Can't you do the simple things.  Look what have you done girl." My eyes automatically fell on her house when I heard her mother's fainted shouting.

Again her mother was shouting on her without any reason. I can't hear everything but I know, Aditi didn't do anything deliberately but her mother must be shouting on her like she committed a unforgivable sin.

My blood boil in anger. Her mood already sad and her mother was shouting on her. How could a mother not love her own daughter. She was their daughter but why they treat her like some shit. How could anyone get angry on such innocent soul.

"Get lost from my eyesight before I slap you." I clenched my jaw and fisted my hands in a tight grip when I heard her mother was talking about hitting her.

I wanted to hit something hard to let out all my anger. I can't hear more that her mother scolding my beautiful neighbor so I walked out from the terrace. My strids are long and I was taking two stairs at one time. I wanted to get out from this suffocated place and want to breath in fresh air.

When I came downstairs, Divya and Mummy was sitting in the livingroom, watching some dancing reality show. I ignore them and started walking towards the gate.

"Dhruv..beta." I stopped in my track when mummy called me.

"I made some sandwiches for you. Please eat something. You didn't have eat anything since morning."

"I'm not hungry." After giving her cold reply I walked out from house.

*****

People known me as a introvert person, who doesn't talk much and enjoy his own company but I wasn't always like this. I was like other kids, who plays and pulled a prank on their fellow kids.

I used to stubborn and naughtiest kid among my siblings. My parents warn me many times if I didn't improve myself they will send me to the boarding school. Finally they put me in a boarding school and after that my whole life changed.

A bubbly kid turns into a introvert person. A 17 year old boy is mentally unstable, have panick attacks and no one fucking knows it. He deals with his own shit and no one was there to comfort him.

My father is a government teacher. He is principal in his school and my mother she is a simple housewife. I am from the middle class and orthodox family. Everyone will laugh at me if I tell them about my condition. They will call me insane, psycho, mental and many other names. Papa worked hard so he can afford our education and roof on her head. I don't want to put another burden on his head telling him my condition.

My chain of thoughts brok when something touched on my legs. I looked down when a football stopped at my feet. I was in the park, sitting on one of the bench, looking at the horizon blankly while lost in my deep thoughts. Stars are twinkling in the sky and hot air from summer touching my face soaking the sweat on my face.

"Bhiya can you passed me the ball." A six or seven year old boy came to me and asked me for his football. I bent down and gave him his football.

"Rohan, say thankyou to bhiya." His mother said while walking towards us, she put her left hand on her son's head while giving me a smile, I also gave her my half smile.

"Bhiya will you play with us." The boy asked me with broad smile and then I noticed he doesn't  have his upper two teeth.

"Rohan don't disturb bhiya."

"Mumma Please.." the boy whined to her mother.

"Rohan....Go, play with your friends." Her mother said.

The boy make a little pout and walked away with a football in his hand.

"I am sorry to bother you. My son is stubborn sometimes." The lady said looking at me while giving me a polite smile.

"That's okay.." I gave the short reply.

The look on lady's face telling me that she wanted a company but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't like talking much, that's how I am now. I know it's rude but I wanted to be left alone.

Forever...

She walked away when I didn't say anything and again I lost in my thoughts.

****

I don't know, how long I was sitting there, lost in my thoughts but when I realized it's already midnight. Whole park is empty, street dogs are barking and almost every house's lights are off which were near by the park. I checked my phone, there were tons of messages and missed calls from mummy and Divya.

I immediately send a short text to Divya about my whereabouts and make my way towards the home. Though I don't want to go home and sit here till eternity but I have to go home. I don't want my parents to get panick.

My parents didn't worried about my whereabouts because they get use to this. This is not the first time, I was out from house till midnight. At first mummy used to get worried about this behavior of mine and used to scold but now she didn't say anything because she knew, I will come home eventually.

I put my hand in my jeans pocket and walked on the empty street while fixing my eyes down on the concrete road. I didn't see a single soul on the street but I can here the whistle of the patrolling guard from away.

Every time I was surrounded by people but still I feel isolated.