F I F T Y F I V E

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Taehyung and I still haven't spoken to each other. It's been close to 24 hours and the only thing we've done was sit in silence, apart from him trying to get me to eat, we haven't said a thing.

It was now past midnight and I was still crouched on the bed, knees close to my chest as my mind tore me down. The worst things that could ever been said was being directed at myself and I didn't try to stop it.

I deserved this.

I feel Taehyung shift next to me, going under the covers as he tried going to sleep but I don't move. The pain in my abdomen coming every now and then, being a constant reminder of what I had lost.

Two lives blooming in me for close to 6 weeks. And just like that, they were gone.

I curl into a ball on the bed, the pain of losing the babies overpowering every other ache in my body as I whimper quietly to myself. I breathe in through my mouth, not wanting Taehyung to hear my cry but fail the moment a sob tore through my chest.

"Areum," Taehyung gasped, getting up as he came to me. "Areum?" He tried to get me to unwind myself, for me to look at him but I simply bury myself into the palm of my hands, crying my heart out. He knew no words would do any good so he wraps his arms around me, trying his best to comfort me in any way possible.

"I can't do this." I finally let out in between my cries and Taehyung keeps still the moment he catches a glimpse of my broken state. Tears were now pouring down his face as he watched me helplessly.

"I can't take this pain, Taehyung." I whimper and all he does is pull me into him, pressing me to his heart. His hands held onto me firmly as I allowed myself to pour out every single emotion in my being. Tears ran down my cheeks like a broken faucet and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

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It's been two days, and after that break down I had with Taehyung, something within me hardened up. The way I saw him hurt and cry. Looking at the pain that I had brought upon him changed something within me. Thoughts that were already bad going worse.

I've not spoken, barely eaten, getting up only to use the washroom.

"I don't know what to do," I hear him sob softly over the phone and I press my eyes shut. The guilt was eating away at me. I wanted to be okay for him, but I could barely pick myself up. "I don't think me being here is helping." He whispered, every attempt of being quiet failing.

"Alright, thank you." He said after a few moments of silence and he finally ended the call.

He walked into the room, wiping his cheeks dry. "There's food in the kitchen, I really hope you eat something." He said and I don't respond. I wanted to, I really did but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to speak.

I knew that if I were to talk to him, I'd break all over again and I didn't want to put him through that. He seemed to be getting better, fast. The only thing keeping him this way was me. I really didn't want to pull him down with me as I spiralled.

My body hadn't even healed from it yet, how was my mind supposed to? Still feeling symptoms of the pregnancy even though I had lost the babies, everything being a reminder of how my body had failed me.

"I have to get to work. I'll be back, okay?" He asked and I nod, not wanting to ignore him. He lets out a little breath, sighing almost as though in relief.

He leaves again, allowing the silence around me to grow louder. My thoughts attacking me freely without any distractions until the doorbell jolts me back into reality. I simply stare at the wall, hoping whoever it was would go away but the ringing doesn't stop.

I throw my legs over the bed, the soles of my feet hitting the cold ground as I walked over to the door. I cracked it open ajar and tears make it's way to my eyes almost immediately.

"Taehyung called. Can I come in?" Nani asked, two pints of ice cream in her hands with the Notebook. "I didn't know if you would want to talk so," she lifted the CD in her hands as I open the door further while nodding, tears now making its way down my cheeks.

"Come here," she sets everything down, coming to me with open arms and I bury myself within her, feeling every part of me break as tears poured out of me. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, holding me close to her.

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"I'm just afraid he won't understand, you know?" I hiccup as I spoke through my tears, stuffing a little ice cream in my mouth. "He seems better now and I don't know what to do."

"They were growing in you for 6 weeks, it only makes sense that you get more attached to them." She said and I breathed out another cry. "But you really should try and speak to him."

I place the ice cream back on the table whilst shaking my head.

"I don't think I can. The moment I feel like he doesn't get me, I don't know what I'd do." I breathed out. "I'm scared that he'll feel like I'm overreacting. That the babies weren't even babies yet but-" And I start sobbing a little.

"But that's exactly why I'm feeling this way. I lost something that never was. Do you know how much hopelessness that brings? That I thought I'd be bringing two babies into this world but to know that I wasn't even close to that reality. To know that all the love I already had was just-" I was interrupted by a cry as I let out everything that had been brooding within me and Nani sighs.

"I know, I know." She wrapped her arms around me. She brings me to lay on her chest and I hug her like how a child would find comfort in her mother.

"But you have to know," she whispered. "This isn't your fault and you shouldn't beat yourself up." Nani tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It was easier said than done. I had 0 pity for myself. Only anger but I was too weak and broken to react on it. As she goes quiet, the raging thoughts come swarming in again.

You don't deserve this. You don't deserve her love.

And I found myself agreeing with it. I got up, drying my cheeks as I looked her in the eyes. "You should go."