It felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Not only was the pain emotional, but I could swear that I felt physical pain over losing Carter.

Cain put his hand on my shoulder as I continued to hold Carter's dead body and sob. He was dead because of me.

Cain didn't say anything, which I was grateful for. I wasn't sure I could stop myself from killing him if he said anything cliché or corny.

His men were silent as they took in the bloodbath in front of them. I didn't know why none of them could feel the same tearing pain in their chest like I felt. It felt like a gaping bullet wound. I struggled to catch my breath. Something was seriously wrong.

It... hurts.... so bad.... I gasped out to Cain.

I know, pup. It's part of being a Luna. Your bond with the pack members is stronger than it is when you're a Gamma. You feel pack deaths more painfully, Cain's voice in my mind was apologetic.

Don't you feel it? I asked Cain. He seemed saddened by Carter's death, but not as intensely pained.

I've been the Alpha for over a decade. You get used to the feeling... somewhat, Cain rubbed my shoulders soothingly. I couldn't believe how he was able to keep his calm during such a devastating time. The pressure on my chest felt like it was going to cave in at any moment. We should get you back inside. Clean you up. You'll get sick if you're in the snow too long.

My body felt numb to the cold of the snow, and Carter's blood on me was the last of my concerns. Rose... Lily... I cried.

I know, Ares. They will be taken care of. I will make sure of it, Cain promised me.

After a few more sobs, I somewhat collected myself. I placed a kiss on Carter's cold cheek, and set him gently on the ground. Cain offered to pick me up, but I shook my head.

Rage burned bright inside of me. The rogues had no idea what they just did. Because of them, a woman lost her mate. A baby lost their father.

I summoned an axe, and walked over to the rogue that killed Carter. The knife was still embedded in his forehead, and I was angry he didn't die a slow, painful death.

I lifted the axe high, and brought it down hard on his neck, severing it completely from his body. I did the same with his other limbs, until his body parts were scattered around in red snow.

I moved to another rogue's dead body, and summoned a knife. I sobbed as I stabbed his corpse over and over until his body was so mangled, his features were indiscernible.

I mutilated all of the other bodies with various weapons until the snow was coated in thick blood, and random body parts were strewn about.

Cain and his men didn't say anything, they just let me take my anger out on the bodies of the rogues. One of his men slightly gagged at either the gruesome sight or the smell of blood and decay.

One of his men carefully picked up Carter's body. Already, his skin was pale and devoid of any warmth.  He didn't deserve to die. If anyone should have been killed, it should have been me. The guilt was eating my organs away like maggots on a corpse.

Cain picked me up and held me, and it felt like his arms holding me tightly was the only reason why I didn't crumble into pieces. I had never felt more weak and vulnerable.

Cain disregarded all of the blood that coated my body. Some of it was Carter's, some of it was blood spatter from the rogues. Mutilating their corpses only made me feel slightly better.

It hurts, I whimpered to Cain, who tightened his arms around me. I didn't deserve to be comforted.

"I know, mate," he whispered, his voice strained. "I can feel your pain through the bond."

He lowered his face into my neck. He ignored the blood that coated it and sank his teeth into me, causing me to let out a low groan.

Thank you, I mumbled as I let the darkness soothe me.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

One week later

I chugged from the vodka bottle, ignoring the slight burning sensation. I offered it to Gwen, who gratefully took my lead and chugged some of it herself.

Gwen coughed after the gulps, and held it out to Rose, who also took a few sips. Rose handed it back to me and I finished the bottle on my own.

Lily happily sat on Rose's lap, completely oblivious to the pain Gwen, Rose, and I all felt.

Since Carter's death, us four were inseparable. We all felt his death profoundly, especially Rose, who was inconsolable. After the funeral, it seemed like she slightly made more peace with her mate's death, but any idiot could see the amount of pain she was in.

Gwen had been best friends with Carter since they were pups. They had literally grown up doing everything together. She punched 7 holes in the wall after finding out about his death.

Rose didn't want to stay in the house she used to share with Carter alone, and I didn't blame her. She slept on the Pack House couch, Gwen slept in the recliner, and I slept on the floor. We had been doing that for the past week. Rose woke up screaming more often than not, causing little baby Lily to start crying immediately.

I often held the baby while Rose was sleeping, showering, or otherwise occupied. She had Carter's eyes and nose.

I knew the only thing holding Rose together was her trying to be strong for her baby. That, and we drank copious amounts of alcohol every night until we passed out. Getting drunk was the only way I could sleep. Even then, I woke up often, often times dreaming of Carter's lifeless eyes looking back at me as he died in my arms. I didn't tell Rose about my dreams. Gwen knew, and she often had her own nightmares about it. Jax was also dealing with his own pain regarding Carter, after all, they were both Pack Leaders, and stayed away from us. Cain was busy dealing with pack affairs, and wasn't around for a majority of the day.

When he came back late at night, he would cradle Lily and sit on the floor with me. I could tell he didn't approve of our excessive drinking, but he kept his mouth shut about it. He was handling Carter's death the best. I assumed he was used to pack members dying. I couldn't imagine having to feel like this every single time a pack member died, but Cain assured me that it would hurt less every time.

Right now, it felt like the pain would never stop.

Guilt consumed me every time I saw pain flash in Rose's eyes every time she thought about her mate, which was always. Every time I held little Lily, my heart clenched in pain and guilt.

"I'll get another bottle," Gwen got up from her position on the floor and went into the kitchen. Jax had been making sure to restock our alcohol supply, even though I knew he was taking Cain's side on the anti-alcohol position.

"I have to go to the bathroom, will you hold Lily?" Rose asked and held out the sleeping baby.

I nodded, accepting the pup, who was wrapped in a small fur blanket. Cain made it for Lily and gave it to Rose after the funeral. It was like the baby knew it was from the Alpha, and she fell asleep every time she was wrapped around in it.

Lily woke up from Rose handing her to me, and she stared at me with her big blue eyes, so full of innocence and wonder. I bounced her gently, and she giggled. She loved being bounced or rocked.

I blew softly on her face, making her sneeze and then giggle. I smiled softly at the little pup. She was as goofy as her father. I would protect her with my life for the rest of my days. When she was of age, I would train her so she would be just as fierce as me. I knew it was what Carter would want for her.

A hand suddenly grabbed my shoulders, and the familiar tingles and woodsy scent soon accompanied the touch. Cain.

He sat next to me on the floor. "May I?" He asked, reaching for the baby. I nodded and handed Lily to him.

He rocked her and bopped her nose, making her giggle. She really was the happiest baby. It broke my heart knowing she would grow up without a father. Even though I did, I wouldn't want that on anyone.

"How was your day?" He softly asked me. He had been incredibly gentle with me since Carter's death, knowing I was always seconds away from a breakdown.

I shrugged. Terrible as always, I answered honestly.

Cain frowned. "It isn't healthy for you to stay inside all day drinking. You'd feel better if you went out. Maybe trained or- "

I cut him off. Train? In the same training center where Carter took Gwen and I to throw knives, even though he knew it would piss you off?

My heart clenched at the memory. That was just the kind of person Carter was. He knew he would likely get in trouble by the Alpha for taking us, but he did it anyways to make Gwen and I happy.

"I know it hurts to lose someone, Ares, I do. But you can't keep drinking and holing yourself up all day. It isn't healthy and won't help you recover," Cain tried to reason with me, but my grief couldn't be reasoned with.

Gwen returned with the bottle of vodka. "Am I interrupting something?" She asked.

No, I quickly answered, thankful for the distraction. She shrugged and chugged a quarter of the bottle. I took it from her and took a large swig myself. I offered some to Cain, knowing he would decline. He sighed and shook his head. When Rose came back, he handed Lily back to her.

I'll be in my office, mate. Mindlink me if you need anything. Please try to somewhat limit your drinking, Cain begged. He kissed my forehead and left the four of us.

I watched as he walked away, and took another large drink, letting the alcohol heal me.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

One week later

Tonight was going to be the first night that Rose was going back to her house. She said that she wanted to try to get back to normal, as normal as possible. I assured her that she really wasn't a bother, but she insisted that she had to gain back some control in her life. Gwen was also going to return to her house with Jax. I wondered if something was wrong between them, because Jax was hardly around the last two weeks. I assumed that he wanted to give us girls some space. Cain had been doing that, even though he lectured me every few days about my drinking habits.

The pack house felt empty as I waited for Cain to get back from work. I sat on the floor where I used to hangout with Gwen and Rose, feeling completely alone. I missed their company. When I was alone, I could feel the guilt and pain set back in.

To counteract the grief, I drank more, even though Gwen and Rose weren't here. It was the only thing that brought me comfort, especially when I was alone. I had never been much of a drinker before, but now, I couldn't imagine living without it. And yes, I realize how bad that sounds.

Cain came in about 2 hours into my pity party. He looked at me sadly as he took in the scene. Me, laying haphazardly on the floor, surrounded by empty bottles.

"Oh, mate," He said, setting a binder with some papers down. He wrapped his arms around me, and used his Gift to warm me up.

Hey, sexy, I said to him, appreciating his muscular body. I liked that he was always shirtless. It gave me more of an opportunity to check him out.

He pulled away, making me groan. I missed the warmth and comfort that came from his touch. The mate bond may be fickle, but it definitely was useful at times.

Cain narrowed his eyes at me. "You're drunk," He accused me.

And you're sexy, I said to him, my words slurring. Okay, maybe I was a little drunk.

I reached for the half drank bottle of tequila, but he beat me to it, and moved the bottle out of my reach. "I think you've had enough."

I glared at him. I think you should mind your own business, Alpha, I spat at him venomously. I may or may not be a mean drunk.

"You are my business, pup. And you need to stop drinking. You're becoming too dependent on it. It's getting out of control," He said softly, looking at me with pleading eyes, begging me to listen to him.

I don't know how else to deal with the pain, I mumbled, in a striking moment of honesty.

Cain wrapped his arms around me tightly. "I know, little mate. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you'll get through it. You're the strongest wolf I know."

I scoffed. Strong, but couldn't protect Carter.

I really wanted another swig of alcohol. I could already feel my buzz wearing off, damn werewolf metabolism.

"It was his job to protect you. He did that, and the Moon Goddess will reward him heavily in the afterlife for his bravery and honor," Cain assured me.

I scowled. Fuck the Moon Goddess. What kind of God would let someone as pure as Carter be taken away, but let someone as evil as me continue to live?

Cain sighed, not answering immediately. "It's all a part of her plan. Try not to question it, little mate. I can assure you that everything will be okay."

Nothing will ever be okay again, I countered seriously. My heart didn't feel much better than it did two weeks ago. The pain weighed on me heavily.

"I can take it away," Cain mumbled.

What? I asked.

"Your pain. I can take it away," Cain seriously spoke, pulling away to look into my eyes. I was suddenly extremely sobered up.

Biting my neck only helps for so long, I venomously responded.

"Not that. I can take away your pain and bear the weight of it myself," Cain said slowly, and I could tell he was leaving something out.

What's the catch? I asked.

"We have to be fully... mated," He gauged my reaction as he said the last word.

Let me get this straight, I was glad I no longer was drunk, because my mind struggled to wrap my head around this concept. We do the do, and you can take away the pain?

Cain hesitated, and then nodded.

Why the fuck wouldn't you say that sooner? I demanded.

Cain looked surprised by my outburst. "I didn't want to take advantage of your grief, or make it seem like I was just trying to get into your pants. I didn't want you to only have sex with me because of your guilt. I want you to because you want to."

My eyes nearly popped out of my head. You thought I wouldn't want to have sex with you on my own merit?

Cain looked confused by my statement, so I continued. You're literally the hottest male I've ever seen. I've never been more attracted to anyone.

Cain ground his teeth. "Careful, pup. My wolf has been begging me to take you since the day we met. Do not say these words unless if you mean them. I won't stop myself if you encourage it."

I don't want you to stop yourself, I said, pressing my mouth against his.

He growled lowly, and maneuvered me so that my legs were now wrapped around his waist and my arms were around his neck.

I tugged on his long hair that was now shoulder-length. I have to admit, he looked extremely ruggedly handsome with the beard and long hair.

He snarled into my mouth at my aggressive hair-pulling, and kissed me harder, drawing blood with his canines, which excited me. He flipped us so that he was on top, my legs and arms still wrapped around him. He didn't break our kiss.

We made out for awhile, and I ran my hands all over his shirtless body, appreciating how muscular he was. He truly was a full man.

His beard was scratching my face raw, exciting me even further.

Cain pulled away, making me growl at him. "This is the last time I'm asking you. Are you sure this is what you want? I won't do it unless I'm positive it's what you want."

Shut the hell up and do me already, Alpha, I snarled at him, capturing his mouth in mine once again.

For once, he did as I said.