THIRTY TWO

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❤︎ TRIGGER WARNING : eating disorder
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  My heart was racing. My head was spinning. I could barely see or think straight as I held her hand, the ambulance chasing down the streets to the hospital, paramedics checking her oxygen levels, placing tubes over her mouth.

Was she breathing? I couldn't tell. I didn't remember what I had said to let the paramedics allow me in the ambulance, but here I was. My hands were sweating as I grasped them in my lap, feeling utterly useless, watching those who knew what they were doing work on her.

Once the ambulance parked up, she was pushed out on a hospital bed, people rushing around her, shouting things I couldn't even understand. Medical terms, and I didn't know whether they meant something good or something bad. I chased with them, trying to keep up as they wheeled her down the halls of the hospital, more doctors and nurses joining.

"Si... Sienna?" her voice whimpered, muffled from the tubes. I looked down to find her eyes half open, staring faintly back at me. In instinct, I gripped her pale hand.

"I'm here." I assured. "I'm here." My voice caught in my throat as I looked at her. She looked so small and young, childlike, someone that used to be so bright now dimmed at the heart.

"Tell..." she croaked. "Tell them... I'm sorry..." I noticed how her eyes glassed in the gleaming light, her fingers falling loose around mine. No.

She let go before I could grab back on and was wheeled away into a room I didn't know what would happen to her in. I was left to only wonder, to only imagine how they would fight for her – if they would fight for her. They had to fight for her.

I held my breath and felt a trickle of sweat run down my forehead. It was ironic because I thought I was the one that might die from my heart pounding like crazy against the cage of my chest.

All I had left to do was sit and wait. Sit and think. Sit and worry.

When an hour had passed, I found myself hugging my knees in a waiting room chair, rested my chin on them, thinking too much. Was there anything I could have done to help her? Was there anything I did wrong? Was it my fault?

How could it be your fault?

I didn't know, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was. I did that a lot in situations I had no control in. Continuously sit there, thinking about me as the problem. Not any other thing in the world. Me. And only me.

Did she have family? Were they going to be mad at me? Did they care about her enough? Where the hell were they? Usually in situations like this, family get called and they come running down to help. Yet, I saw no family here.

Not until I heard manic footsteps chasing down the sterile, white flooring and yells being splattered at hospital staff.

"Where is she?!" an urgent voice of a guy called. "Where is she?!" I didn't have to think twice about who he was referring to.

"Sir, if you would just calm down." the voice of a nurse soothed.

"Don't tell me to calm down! Where is my baby sister?!" a tinge of familiarity twitched in my gut as I got off my chair and wandered to where the noise was coming from.

"Sir, please –"

"I swear to fucking god, if you don't tell me where the hell she is –!"

"You need to calm down first." The nurse interjected and I walked around the corner. One word rang in my mind.

Roman.

"Let me see my sister." He gritted through his teeth slowly. Sister.

"My sister listens to Lana Del Ray." Roman commented as I turned back.

On it were painted pictures of clouds, high-heels, Lana Del Rey song lyrics.

... and as a Lana Del Rey song came on, we both simultaneously, unconsciously murmured the lyrics.

There were posters of singers like Selena Gomez, Lana Del Rey, and Halsey stuck to the walls...

...as well as sketched pictures of frogs and rabbits for some unknown reason.

Little frogs and rabbits lined the bottom with cute smiley faces.

"What's with the frogs and rabbits?"

Roman's face went a little red. "Oh sorry. I told her not to do that. She has an obsession with those things."

She explained to me how she loved to paint frogs and rabbits because, in her opinion, they were the cutest animals on earth.

It was gorgeous to say the least. A stunning meadow filled with soft, vibrant flowers and a sky that swirls in all colours of blue with sweet, puffy clouds. In the distance I could see a small cottage glowing with light.

Turns out Melody wanted to be an artist and open up an art studio one day.

"I put the thing together, but I know someone who's insanely good at art and so she painted it,"

"You have a sister?"

"Yeah, she's fifteen."

  She looked around my age, maybe a year or so younger.

Oh my god. It was in front of me the whole time and I was so blind to it. Well done, Sienna.

My feet couldn't move to get to him. I just stood there in shock, unable to speak or process anything to say. She was Skye. She was Roman's little sister. She wasn't at some prestigious, private school in the city. She was sick and in hospital. I didn't want to think about how hard that was for him.

"I'm afraid we can't do that." The nurse shook her head and gave him a stern look.

"Let me see my sister or I will burn this fucking hospital to the ground!" he exclaimed, and my feet moved before I could think to do so. Doctors were already trying to restrain him as I ran up to him and cupped his face between my hands.

"Hey, hey! It's okay, it's okay." I calmed, looking straight into his eyes. They widened and lit up at the sight of me.

"Sienna?" he whispered, stunned. "What... what are you doing here?"

"What's the problem here?" a security guard walked into the hall, suspiciously looking at Roman, as if ready to tackle him down.

"I need to see my sister." Roman begged.

The nurse threw her hands in the air and exclaimed, "This boy barged in here and threatened to burn the whole hospital down –!"

"It's an empty threat." I cut her off. "He just really needs to see his sister."

The security guard gave a long look our way before dismisses it with a shaking head. "Then he has to wait like everyone else until the staff says he can."

"She's my baby sister! There's no fucking way I'm letting these idiots keep her –"

"Roman, it's okay." I desperately pulled his face so he could see me. He was still focusing on the nurse behind me. "It's okay. I'm here, okay? And you're gonna get to see Skye, I promise. Okay?" I tried my best to calm him. It wasn't okay. I couldn't make it be okay. Yet I had to at least try. His eyes shot to mine and I could see a sense of clarity now glinting behind his eyes. I turned to the security guard and nurse.

"We'll wait. Just tell us when he can see her." they nodded, not too impressed, but it was better than getting us kicked out.

Somehow, I managed to lead him away to the seating area in the waiting room. As we sat down, he placed his head in his hands resting on his knees and ran his fingers through his hair. Looking up at me, his face painted with a pain I had never seen, he asked,

"What the hell are you doing here, Sienna?"

I couldn't stop staring at his expression. Pure hurt and desperation leaking through, so much so it hurt me.

"She's your sister." I then whispered.

"What? Skye?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

He furrowed his brows, "But I told you that. You knew who she was –"

"She came up to me my first day working here, I had no idea who she was because she changed her name – well, she had a different name everyday and..." his light chuckle made me stop.

"That sounds like something she would do."

I stared back at him with hundreds of questions circling my brain. Without hesitation, I placed a hand on his shoulder and asked, "What's wrong with her?" I didn't want to pry but I still wanted to know.

His eyes glimmered with immense sadness, paining him to a harsh extend. "She told you she was sick, didn't she?" I nodded. He sat back up and leaned back in his chair. "She told you it was terminal too?" I nodded once more. He scoffed and ran a hand down his face. I sat there, waiting for him to say something more. Was she not sick? Was she okay? If she was okay, then why was she in here? Why did she faint?

Two words then left his lips.

"Anorexia Nervosa."

Words couldn't form in me. I didn't know if there was anything I could say to help, so I decided to listen.

"It happened when she was thirteen and my parents thought they could help it, but they couldn't, and she kept getting sicker." He swallowed his tears that threatened to crawl up. "They... they put her in here to help her. She's far too weak to do almost anything and they thought that this place would help her recover." I knew there was more and so I waited. I waited for him to take a breath and continue.

"A few weeks ago, the nurses found a stash of pills under her pillow. Diet pills." My heart dropped. "She used to crush them and put them in her water bottle when she couldn't take them in case people would find out." That explained a lot. "She..." he took another deep breath, "She was starting to get better and... and when they found that I – my dad called me when it happened, and I couldn't... it was so..."

"Look, I'm sorry. We can continue tomorrow after school. I was also thinking we could finish our little session from Sunday –" the ringing of his phone cut me off. I could only see the contact 'Dad' before he answered and pressed it to his ear.

"Hello?" I was ashamed to say I tried to hear what his dad was saying on the other line but only managed to pick up a bundle of rushed muffles. "Shit, I'm on my way." He hung up and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. "I've got to go."

"What was –"

"See you." He said before rushing off.

"I was so angry." He confessed. "I thought she was getting better. I thought that I could have my sister back... god, I was so stupid."

Anorexia nervosa. That's what she had. That's why she said it was terminal because she couldn't stop. I didn't know whether she wanted to.

I took a few minutes to process what he had just told me. Thirteen. She was thirteen and dealing with an eating disorder. That was so young. I couldn't imagine how horrible it was.

Roman must've been sixteen.

I once believed that Roman was an outcast from his own doing. That he didn't want people to know him. Maybe this was the reason why. Maybe he was so conscious of protecting his little sister he didn't want anyone to get too close in fear they'd hurt it all more.

"She's my baby sister." His voice broke. His eyes rimmed red as he looked back at me and I felt every inch of my heart shatter. "I'm her older brother. I'm the one that's supposed to protect her from the bad guys, and I can't even protect her from the ultimate bad guy which is... this." He gestured all around us. "I have to just sit there. S-Sit there and feel useless. D'you know how difficult it is when all you want to do is protect them." Tears rushed down his cheeks as he buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking as he broke down.

Here he was. This boy who I always believed had everything together. Was so strong and smart and could fix anything. Fix me. Yet here he was, breaking down in front of me, showing me every crack and crumble in his strength, and every part of me hurt to watch it.

I took his hands away from his face and cupped his face with my hands. "I'm sorry." Was all I could say. "Roman... I-I'm so sorry." I felt my own voice catch as I spoke the words. "I... I took her out shopping. She should have stayed in the hospital, but I didn't think and..."

"It's not your fault." He shook his head, tears still spilling down his cheeks. "She's tried it with me before. She likes to lie so she can get out and live, but the problem is that she can't live because she's not getting any better." I held his face between my hands and gazed into the piercing grey-blue of his eyes that seeped with utter sadness and distress. "I want her to live. I know she's going to get better. She has to." He broke down.

"My brother keeps pretending that it doesn't exist. That I'm going to get better, and it's annoying."

He wanted to protect but he couldn't, and so instead he pretended like everything was fine, not for him but for her. To make her feel like everything was fine even though she knew it wasn't.

"That's why your dad came back from the military. Why he went on the whole mental health rage."

He nodded, trying to collect himself but his voice broke with every word. "He saw me going down a similar route as Skye. I was always in my room, never had any friends, too stressed out for my own good and so that's why he opened up the gym, why he told me to get out and try boxing." It all made sense. Everything. Everything was connected to Skye.

"Everyone took it different in my family. My mom took it the best, she's the one Skye turns to the most but my dad... he feels the guiltiest. Imagine dedicating your whole life to saving people but you can't even save your own daughter." I could imagine it. I recalled Skye saying a similar thing.

"And what about you?" I asked. He looked back down at the floor.

"I have to be fine." I knew he did. His parents worried so much about Skye that he had to be the fine child. He had to make sure they didn't worry about him. However, what he didn't know was that his parents still did. They did worry about him. The talk his mom and I had whilst washing the dishes that one time showed it. She thanked me for believing in Roman – happy he had a friend. They were his parents and that's what they did. Worry.

"I'm so tired, Sienna." His voice broke. "I'm so angry and tired and all I want is for her to be okay but it's not okay and it hurts. God, it fucking hurts."

Without thinking, I pulled myself off my chair and climbed onto his lap, not caring if we were in the middle of a waiting room and people could be staring at us. I didn't care. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him bury his head into my shoulder. He cried. Small, muffled cries that only I could hear but I didn't care.

I began to think if he'd ever told anyone how he felt. He acted fine in front of everyone, never letting what he really felt slip. It was all there, bundled up inside of him waiting to burst but he was so careful to keep it all together.

I wrapped my arms around him tighter and rested my chin on the top of his head. Tears escaped from my own eyes as felt him break down, not just physically but mentally. I watched his walls crumble to the floor and saw the rawness that wept behind. I wanted to cradle it, nurture it, say everything was going to be okay even if it wasn't.

I didn't know how long we spent like that. Only when he shifted his head, and I felt his lips lightly kiss my shoulder I knew he had calmed down. I rested my hands on the back of his neck, my thumb brushing across the bottom of his head.

"I'm here for you, Roman." I whispered. "Whatever you need – whatever your family needs, I'm here." The ironic part was that I didn't have that much to give, but sometimes the knowing someone was there for you was better.

"I know." He whispered back against my skin. "And I never want to lose that. Thank you." I never want to lose that. I never want to lose you.

A cough of a nurse sent us both jerking our heads in her direction. It was the same nurse as before and she didn't look too impressed with Roman and I's new position. She can suck it.

"You can see her." she grumbled before walking away.

I wasted no time climbing off Roman so he could rush to the room. The door was closed, and I knew he needed alone time with her, and so I waited outside, leaning back against the wall, tapping my foot anxiously.

  What was he going to say? What was she going to say? Did this happen often?

  The worry was sick in my stomach and made me feel nauseous.

When he came out, he looked far more relieved and placed a hand on my arm, "She wants to see you."

Slightly surprised, I pulled back, but he nodded for me to go in. "Just... just don't be alarmed at what you see." I didn't know what he meant but as soon as I entered, I saw it.

Two machines, one checking her heart rate, steady, sharp beats echoing across the room, the other machine was with tubes. I followed them and saw how they reached her nose. It was feeding her. I tried not to look afraid for her sake, but she smiled at me.

"Don't be scared." She chuckled lightly, full of exhaustion. "It doesn't hurt, I promise."

Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself together and made my way over to her, perching at her bedside.

"So, you're the girl my brother's tutoring." She smiled softly.

"You knew?" I raised a brow.

"Eh, kind of. I had my suspicions, but I thought you would have said something. Guess you really aren't that smart" without thinking, I lightly pushed her shoulder and she winced.

"Shit, sorry." I cringed.

She shook her head, "Don't worry about it. I fell on my arm when I fainted and so it's a bit sore."

I kept myself in silence, examining every inch of her. She wasn't wearing a hoodie, but a hospital gown and I just saw how thin she truly was. Her arms were pure, pale bone and the skin around her collar bone was sunken in. It made her face look all the more hollow.

"I called you a number's freak." I suddenly remembered. "I'm so sorry, I should have thought better than to –"

"You didn't know." She cut me off. Something like that, she had replied. "Only my family know."

I waited for a few minutes before I asked, "How did it..." and then I felt like I was crossing a line.

"How did it start?" Skye carried on. "It's okay, you can ask." She had called me her friend. She felt comfortable around me. She wants you to know.

She sighed, beginning to explain. "Our world is obsessed with numbers. How much money we have, how many followers we have on social media, how many likes, how many people we've slept with, the size of our clothes, the number of meals we eat a day, calories, weight." It was true, everything she was saying was true. "I was twelve. Every day I would wake up and look at these tonnes of gorgeous girls online... They were so perfected. I wanted to be like them." It was the same thing every teenager girl wanted. "Back then, no one talked about editing photos, I guess they don't really talk about it today either. They make it all seem natural and so I got so mad at myself when I couldn't look like that."

Twelve. That was so young. Imagining a twelve-year-old Skye thinking things like that made my heart break.

"I would have these crushes on all the popular boys in my school and they always

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