FORTY SIX

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❤︎^ 𝑠𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑎'𝑠 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘
___________________________________

I was nervous.

  I would never consider myself a regularly nervous person but tonight, I was bursting at the seams with anxiousness. I held my breath as I rubbed my hands down my silk dress and checked myself in the rear-view mirror once more. I looked great. In fact, I looked hot. I spent ages getting ready to make sure I looked as amazing as I could be – you see, I still had an image to keep up. Yet, everything felt wrong as I sat alone in my car, listening to the music pumping inside the Gym.

  It was only a matter of time before my fashionable late turned to pure lateness and everyone would start assuming I was too scared to come. So, putting on a front, collecting my thoughts, pushing aside any nervousness residing in my gut, I sighed and got out of the car.

  I had to give it to the Dance Committee, they really did up the school. Fairy lights twinkling on the ceiling of the halls and fake flowers and leaves stuck onto the lockers giving it a garden maze effect. I trekked my way to the Gymnasium, an archway of flowers standing where the door was, balloons in pastel shades of pink, yellow and blue lining the little walkway before reaching the main hall.

  It really screamed 'Spring Fling' to say the least. The same twinkling fairy lights in the halls were used the same on the ceiling, glimmering in shades of sunlight yellow and fluorescent pink, bouquets of pastel balloons stood around the corners of the room, flower petals were scattered across the tables, the DJ booth was lined with fake flowers along with stage and the punch and snack stands. They really went all out.

  I studied the dozens of students out dancing in the middle of the floor, jumping up and down to the upbeat music blaring through the speakers. Rya made the right choice in letting Abigail Coalson DJ instead of Jensen Mardove. The music was so much better, and everybody seemed to be loving it.

  As I examined all the students, I spotted Rya laughing with Taylor in the middle of the dance floor. The two seemed to be beaming at one another as they talked and danced at the same time and, I had to admit it, they did look cute together. Like some model couple out of Vogue.

  A chuckle left my lips as I averted my gaze and it flickered across to the photo booth. The background was a wall of fake flowers lined with balloons and a long line of couples waited for their turn. Adam and Leah were in the middle of taking their pictures as the photographer clicked the camera. Adam's hands around her waist, her kissing his cheek. I watched as he chuckled and captured in his arm, dipping her and kissing her passionately. They both were beaming with happiness as the picture snapped and they continued smiling, holding hands as they walked away to look at the pictures.

  Leah wore a high-low, strapless dress. White, with huge, gorgeous yellow flowers on making the dress seem predominantly yellow. It was pretty cute and suited her style. Her hair was tied up into a messy bun at the top of her head and I caught the small daisy earring posing as her only jewellery for the night. She smiled happily at the pictures and kissed Adam on the cheek. Adam wore his classic black on black suit that gave him the mysterious, hot look as always. He looped his arm over her shoulders and thanked the photographer before heading to the dance floor, her gold heels glinting in the fluorescent lights. I hated to admit it, but they looked adorable together and Leah did look stunning. I hated it. Knowing the type of person she was, the way she deceived everyone, it added a bitter taste to the sugary sweet cuteness.

  I collected myself once more and rolled my eyes turning on my heel to look away. Yet, as I did, there he was.

  By the punch bowl, talking to her, laughing together. Emily looked beautiful, her platinum blonde hair hung down in waves, the lilac dress flowed gracefully down her body in a halter top style, and her eyes glinted as she looked at him.

  Bitch.

  No, stop it. All she did was being his date, I couldn't hate her for that.

  Still, I felt my bones shatter as I kept my eyes on them. It was the fact they looked perfect together was the thing that bothered me the most. They looked like some angelic couple made for each other. It was painful how perfect it all looked.

  His eyes caught mine and he froze. Emily didn't notice and continued talking to him like nothing was wrong, but his eyes fixated on mine and his lips parted. He looked beautiful. The crisp grey suit we got from the thrift store worked amazingly on him, every inch of the fabric flattered every inch of skin on his body. His eyes gleamed bright in the light, drawing me in, pulling every fibre of my body and I had to restrain myself with chains of control to stop myself from walking over to him in some sort of trance. They trailed from my eyes to my body, examining every part of the dress, every part of my flesh, dipping in and out every curve and crevasse.

  My heart rate increased as I witnessed his Adam's apple bob as his eyes scoured every part of me. It felt like every piece of time existing in this world had stopped. We were stuck in this small, slithered dimension of stillness. Another time. Another life. No one else in the room. People always talked about that moment, and I used to believe it to be exaggerated. However, now I was in it, it was the rawest, realest thing I had ever felt in such a haze.

  The moment was cut short as a hand gripped my arm and broke me free from his gaze. "Hey!" Rya beamed at me. "You look stunning! You are definitely the hottest person here!"

  I somehow managed to pull myself back together and put a smile on my face. "What about you? You look gorgeous, Rya!" she did. Her top half of her dress was made purely out of diamonds with a plunging neckline. The diamonds faded out into the light blue tulle skirt that sinched in tight at the waist and puffed out falling midthigh. Her designer definitely went all out, and she even had sparkly diamond shoes and earrings to match.

   "I was so right when I said the blue would bring out your eyes." I told her. It did. Her eyes were glowing like freaking sapphires.

  She flicked her long blonde hair behind, it was tied into a cute half-up-half-down style that framed her face. "Psht, please! No one can pull off red as well as you can." We both ended up giggling as Taylor walked over.

   "Damn, Sienna. You look amazing." He quickly complimented.

   "Thanks." I laughed, "You don't look too bad yourself." I nodded to his stylish, navy blue suit.

   "Thanks, did you just get here? Rya and I were about to go and take photos, you're more than welcome to join us." It was funny. Taylor and Rya always used to be third wheels, but now I was the third wheel in their little... whatever it was.

   "That's sweet of you guys but you two go have some fun, I'm just gonna say hi to a few people." I politely declined. Taylor nodded and turned to leave when Rya grabbed my arm.

   "Are you sure you're okay?" her eyes shone with concern. I knew she knew I'd seen Roman and Emily and I knew she could only imagine the awkwardness dangling there. Yet, instead of caving in, I told her it was fine and that she should enjoy her night with Taylor. She reluctantly agreed and the two walked off hand in hand to the photographer.

  In reality, I didn't have that much left to do. Everyone pretty much had a date and were busy either dancing or chatting in groups. It felt wrong to insert myself into those conversations and so I ended up walking wondrously through the Gym. I managed to catch a few people like Alyse, the cheer captain, when her date went to get her a drink, some other random girls that always sat at my table at lunch who started up small conversations with me too, but it was all meaningless and boring. I started to regret my decision in coming tonight. It all seemed pointless.

  I didn't want to look like a creep by continuously watching Roman and Emily however every time I took a glance, my heart hurt a little more. Roman had gotten extremely popular recently, I even saw boys on the basketball team talk and laugh with him, girls were constantly muttering what I assumed were teasing, crude comments in Emily's ear as they giggled and looked at him which made me feel sick. It was all so... off.

  Practically everything we had been through seemed to fizzle out. Not even a 'hi' or a nod of acknowledgment. I was ignored. Yet, I couldn't blame him. The way he left my house yesterday was all wrong. God, I just wanted to get inside his head and see what he was thinking.

  An hour or so later, I found myself sitting alone at a table, scrolling through my phone. Skye had texted me before I left asking me to show her my look. I sent her a quick picture and she just came back to me with adorable heart-eyed emojis. A smile cracked on my lips as I typed back to her and waited for a response. I wondered if Roman visited her before he left. I wondered if he talked to her about Emily. I wondered if he told Emily about her. I decided to not think about that for the time being and rested my chin on my fist.

   "Sienna, right?" a voice to the side of me spoke. I turned my head to meet a boy with tanned skin, golden eyes, and light brown hair. I'd never seen him before.

   "Yeah?" I cocked my head to the side.

   "I'm Oliver. I'm new here and I thought you looked kind of lonely." Gee, thanks, Oliver. But I knew he was only trying to be nice. "Sorry, did I strike a nerve?" he winced a little.

   "No... no." I shook my head. "Sorry, nice to meet you, Oliver." I smiled back. "When did you join?"

   "A month ago, seriously stupid to move in the middle of Senior Year but, hey. What can you do about that?" he shrugged with a soft smile.

  I chuckled and watched as he took the seat next to me. "You don't know a lot of people then?" I assumed.

   "No, not really. I find it kind of pointless to make good friends here when we're all leaving so soon." He explained.

   "Fair enough." I nodded. "So what, you saw me and thought we could be lonely together?" I raised a brow.

  He chuckled, "If you're putting it the cliché way, then yes." I shook my head and laughed in response. "I also think it's a shame that a stunning girl like you is letting the loneliness swallow her."

   "Is this your smooth way of asking me to dance?" I laughed again. He laughed too and shrugged his shoulders.

   "Is it working?"

  He seemed nice. Really nice. And he was new. He didn't know a lot about me, about how things worked around here. So why not?

   "Take my hand and find out." I offered. He smiled to himself and stood up, taking my hand, and led me to the middle of the dance floor. Some upbeat pop song played loud on the speakers as dozens of students danced around us.

   "You seem a little nervous." Oliver commented over the music.

   "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't." I admitted.

   "And why's that?"

   "Cliché if I say boy troubles?" I laughed.

   "Eh, everything's cliché at a school dance." Damn, he had a point.

  I chuckled, "So true." I squealed as he grabbed my hand and spun me around. Dancing at a school dance predominantly consider of jumping up and dance to the music, but that wasn't so bad. I mean, heels didn't exactly help but it felt nice to not care about anything for a while and Oliver had good conversational skills. For god knows how long, we talked about all kinds of things. Turns out he moved from Arizona and was planning to go to the University of Michigan, so the move wasn't too bad in reality. I told him about wanting to go to UNC Chapel Hill and he told me how his older brother went their and loved it.

  It was nice to just talk to a stranger and I found myself actually enjoying myself. By the time the fourth song stopped, I looked around the Gym and stopped as soon as my eyes fell on Roman. He was leaning back against a wall, arms crossed over his chest, staring at me. His eyes were practically shooting daggers at poor Oliver who didn't seem to notice and then trailed across every inch of my body. His throat bobbed and jaw ticked and every muscle in my body turned to mush as I witnessed the jealous dominance taking over his demeanour. Fuck, he looked so hot. I almost fell to my goddamn knees.

  A slow song rippled through the floor and before I could think, I grabbed Oliver's hand and wrapped it around my waist. "Let's dance some more." I suggested trying to take my mind of Roman. He agreed and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

  Roman and Emily walked to the floor and danced together, his hands resting low on her back, her head buried in his chest. Bitch.

Stop it, Sienna. She hasn't done anything.

  I sighed and looked down at the floor.

   "Do I get to know who this boy is that's causing you your 'boy troubles'?" Oliver asked after a minute of silence.

   "No." I shook my head, feeling Roman's presence so strongly as I looked behind Oliver's shoulder to see him staring at me again. A look of pain intertwined with jealously poured out, flooding the atmosphere.

   "He's here though, right?"

   "Yeah." I sighed. "And he looks like he wants to murder you."

   "Tough luck, he's an idiot for not being here with you."

  I chuckled softly and shook my head, "Thanks, but I feel like the massive idiot."

   "And why's that?" he furrowed a brow.

  I looked up at him and frowned, "Do you think you can... love someone without knowing it?"

  He took a few minutes to think as I waited anxiously, fiddling with my hands behind his neck. "Love's a strong word but... I guess you can. Sometimes the feeling hits you like a bus, other times it fizzles over time. Are you saying that you love this boy?" he then asked curiously.

  I peered over his shoulder. Roman's eyes were still on me, burning holes. I quickly looked back at Oliver. "I... I don't know." Love was such a strong word. Everything changed when you said it. I used to think that I loved Adam and that Adam loved me back. When I thought back on it, I realised I felt so lonely and insecure in myself I just wanted to feel loved. Feel like I belonged. I felt like no one could ever love me but him. I felt that insecure and helpless in myself I ran and clung to the first guy who I assumed loved me for dear life in fear I'd never find another. I believed I was nothing without him.

  That's why I was so upset when he got with Leah so quickly after me. It was a shock. He used to do things like that all the time. I guess he found it fun to make me jealous, to make me feel like I wasn't good enough even further. I thought Leah was another one of those games, and I hated that feeling. I was second choice once again. I used to think it was normal, that it as just how we worked. However, there wasn't a 'we'. It was just him. How he wanted to play.

  I thought Leah was his game. No. I was.

  I finished dancing with Oliver and thanked him for the fun. Afterwards I sat at a table and watched them dance. Leah and Adam. It felt creepy but I couldn't help it. He was happy. Really happy. Every part of him was beaming as he looked at her.

  I couldn't blame Adam for the way he behaved sometimes. I knew it all stemmed down to his dad. The dad who was now in prison for domestic violence and child abuse. I knew Adam really suffered with trauma. Although, as much as I tried to help, he always pushed me away. It hurt that Leah was the one he let in after everything but, if that was what he wanted, I couldn't hold animosity towards that. She was helping him. That's all that mattered.

  And, as much as I despised Leah, she seemed to actually be there for him as much as she possibly could. I still couldn't see past the things she's done. Adam could and I thought he was idiotic for it, but I realised that there was no point in arguing.

  High school wasn't forever. This battle between Leah and I wasn't going to be forever. In a few months, everyone would go their separate ways and move on. There was no longer a point in trying to hurt them. What would I get from that? Nothing. More hatred probably.

   "Look how stupid they look." Nikki sat down beside me, her hot pink cocktail dress shimmering in the lights. "He should honestly be embarrassed of her."

  I didn't bother in trying to conversate with her. I just sat and watched them, leaning back in my chair. I couldn't deny the happiness flourishing in both of them.

   "You should go over there and do something." Nikki encouraged. "Throw the punch bowl over them, grab the DJ's microphone and tell everyone what a huge whore she is."

  I looked back at Nikki and then at Leah and Adam.

   "No." I simply stated.

  Nikki turned my way, eye's popping out of her head. "No?!"

   "No." I repeated. "It's not worth it."

   "But she's an A-class slut! Adam deserves so much better than that!" her tone didn't sit well with me.

  I narrowed my eyes and shook my head, "High school isn't forever, you know? In years to come we're going to look back at this and laugh at how stupid we all were, and, I don't know about you, but I want to spend my remaining days here just enjoying it. I can't be bothered for the drama. Not anymore."

   "But –"

   "Just leave them alone." I sighed and rose out my chair, finally deciding to walk away.

❦❤︎❦

  There was something so surreal about walking around school at night. It didn't feel like school, it felt like some place else. A dream almost. I didn't exactly know what I was walking for. I just needed some air to think.

  I found myself wandering through the I.T. halls until I found one of the classroom's lights on and saw someone inside.

  Christopher was peering in between the slit of one of the doors to the cabinets in the middle of the room. It was the cabinet where all the future pop quizzes were kept. What the hell was he doing in here?

   "Trying to cheat, Knowles? I wonder what Principal Cunningham would think about that?" I voiced, stepping into the room. His head shot around to look at me. He wore a simple black suit with a white dress shirt, his hair styled in its usual way.

   "Trying to cheat?" he furrowed his brows in confusion.

   "The cabinet?" I chuckled. "It's where Vice Principal Saxon keeps all the future pop quizzes." I pointed towards it.

   "Oh." He must've not known that. "Sorry, I dropped my phone down one of the slits and I'm trying to get it out." He then confessed.

   "Well, unless you have paper thin fingers, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. Here." I shook my head and laughed to myself and walked over to the desk at the side of the room, opening the first drawers and reaching to the roof of it, finding the key taped at the back.

  I walked back over to the cabinet and unlocked it for him.

   "How d'you know where that was?" he asked astonished.

   "Oh please, I'm Sienna Callum. I know where everything is in this school." I scoffed. "Plus, in Sophomore Year, Rya didn't realise she had a Spanish pop quiz second period and so she forced me to go and steal her the paper that morning so she wouldn't fail miserably."

  Christopher let out a laugh and sighed, "Sounds like something she would do." He

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