63 | in this together

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Gray's face crumbles, and I feel my heart shatter all over again. I stare up at him, at his sharp features now twisted with pain. I've never wanted to be the cause of his suffering, yet here I am.

Tearing his heart from his chest. The heart that I swore I'd never betray. His eyes flash with hurt, and he finally speaks. "You're breaking up with me?"

The vulnerable woundedness of his voice kills me. I shake my head and drop my face back into my hands. "No, no," I sob. "I . . . I--."

Then Gray's holding me in his arms again, resting my head on his shoulder. My tears drip onto his chest, and I realize we're both still naked. That makes this moment all the more disheartening, knowing how close we are--how much we love each other. Through his pain, Gray softens his voice as he tries to soothe me. "Hey, it's okay, Riv. Baby, don't cry."

He still thinks I'm breaking up with him, breaking his heart, yet his first priority is to calm me down. I hate myself for doing this to him, for leaving him. But I have to.

I lift my head and force myself to look at him. "I'm not breaking up with you, Gray," I muster out, hiccuping every few seconds. "I'm going to Florida."

He blinks, shock washing over his face. "What?"

Emotion runs down my face, and goosebumps dot my arms. The warm moment we just shared--wrapped in each other and suspended in utter bliss and love together--is gone. Now, every part of me feels cold. Gray leans over and grabs his shirt. With loving movements, he puts the shirt on me. The sobs well up inside me again.

"I got a full scholarship to a college in Florida," I say quietly, choking back tears. "I have to go, Gray."

His face morphs. "Why? You've been talking about UNC non-stop since the moment you told me you got in. Riv, it's your dream."

I know. "That's all it is, Gray. It's a dream. I can't pay for it on my own, and no one is going to give grants to a girl whose dad makes six figures."

He places his hand on my neck, and I let myself lean into him, letting him trace my jaw with his thumb. "Let me pay for it, Riv. You know I can."

I knew those words were coming, but I was hoping that they never would. It makes this so much more difficult. I rush off the bed, cradling my face in my hands again. "Gray, no. I can't let you do that for me."

Gray stands up and pulls on his underwear. His face is a mess, and I can't look at him knowing that I'm the reason for his suffering. "Why not? Come on, don't act like I'd be doing this just for you. You know it'd kill me to watch you walk away from everything you have. From me."

My legs pace me back and forth, and I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself. "I can't--I can't let you do that," I struggle out. "I can't be her."

Gray pulls his hands through his hair, never taking his eyes off me. "What are you talking about? You can't be who?"

"I can't be her!" I yell, wrapping my arms around my waist and curling in on myself. The sobs break through me, muffles my words. I'm a mess of stutters and tears. "I can't be my mother. Who she thinks I am. No. I won't. I'll never be."

Confusion swims in his eyes, but he approaches me. "Why in the world would you think that? You're nothing like that woman."

I step away from him, from his outstretched hands. This hurts him even more, I can tell. But I have to do this. "Look at me, Gray. She yells at me about how weak I am. She tells me how dependent I am on others--on you. And then what's the first thing I do? I run straight into your arms, begging you to solve all my problems. I proved her point by coming here."

"River, nothing she tells you is true, and you know it," he says, his voice rising to match mine. "She doesn't know shit about you or us. Of course, you came to me; that's what we do for each other. I'm here for you and you know that."

Realization overtakes his face as he connects the dots. "What the hell did she say to you? That you're not capable of paying for UNC by yourself? That you're weak even if you let me help you? That's bullshit."

"Yes, and that's exactly what she expects me to do, Gray!" I yell. "She knows that I'm weak, and she knows that I'm going to run to you as soon as things get tough. And, Gray, that's what scares me. Because that's exactly what I've been doing, and that's exactly what I would've done if I'd chosen UNC."

"No, you would've figured it o—"

"Gray! I had to ask Peyton's parents for a fucking loan just to pay the deposit for UNC," I yell. "You think I can pay for four years of tuition on my own? Textbooks? My dorm? I can't."

"So what?" He asks, point-blank. "You can't do it on your own, so you're just giving up? You're going to give up your dreams--your life--just to prove to her that you're not weak? That you don't need anyone? Riv, you have to see how insane that is."

"You don't understand--"

"Then make me understand! Because right now, I'm having a hell of a tough time trying to figure this shit out," He finally yells, venting his growing frustration. But as I look closer, I realize that his eyes are misty. He's cracking with frustration.

I sob again, breaking down like the weak child my mom says I am. "I c--can't, Gray. I can't--I can't be h--her. I won't l--let myself go down that p--path, using other p--people to get w--what I want," I cry, squeezing my head between my hands. Gray closes the distance between us and holds me against him, letting me fall apart on him. He tries his best to hold me together.

"Riv, I know who you are," he says, soothing me against him. "I know who you are, and she can't ever take that away from you. You're the woman I love and the strongest person I've ever known. You'll never be anything like her."

I hiccup wildly, choking on my own tears.

He shakes his head in disbelief. Thinking about what my mother said strikes anger across his face. "You're letting her into your head, and she's fucking with you."

"I'm pathetic," I cry, wrenching free of his arms. I shake my head, dropping my gaze to the ground. "And she's right. About everything. I need--I need to get away from this place. From her and everything she thinks I am. This scholarship in Florida is my only way out."

Gray covers his face with his hands, finally turning his body away from me. "So that's it? Riv, yesterday we were talking about marriage. Building a family together. Now this? Everything you've worked for, the future that we've dreamed about . . . you're willing to leave that all behind? "

"That's not what I'm doing, Gray," I say quietly.

"That's exactly what you're doing right now," he shouts, a devastating mixture of pain, desperation, and anger. "College move-in is in a week and you're making this decision now, knowing fully well that I can't do anything to stop you."

Deep breath. Hand through hair. We both know how impossible this situation is. "Riv, I can't go with you. You know that, right?"

"I would never ask that of you," I say, starting to walk toward him, then stopping myself. "Gracie needs to stay here, with everything she's ever known. Your and Gracie's lives are here."

"Your life is here."

"Not anymore."

"I'm here, River," he breathes, backing up from me, digesting the meaning of what I just said. Gray tugs his hair. "Your dreams and your future aren't enough to keep you here, but am I not enough? Am I not enough to make you stay?"

Yes, you are enough. You're my rock in this crumbling existence of mine and you're more than enough, Gray. You've been everything to me.

But I have to be someone away from you. I have to be someone apart from my mother's daughter.

My silence answers his question a million times over. A tear finally rolls down his cheek, and I find myself looking into the grey eyes of a broken man.

Gray sits on the edge of the bed and leans forward on his elbows. His face drops into his hands, and I watch as the weight of my words finally hits him. Finally tears him apart.

"Are we even going to talk about this? Because it seems like you've already made up your mind," he says quietly, not looking up. "Without me."

His words wound me, and he knows it. "Gray, that day at graduation. You said you just want me to be happy, even if . . . even if you're . . ."

The tears start coming before I can finish the sentence, but we both know where I was going with that. That day and what he said are forever etched into our memories. Even if you're not in the picture.

Gray looks at me for a split second with watery grey eyes, almost in disbelief that I could even use his own words against him. Then he drops his head again, unable to look at me anymore. "My desire for you to be happy is stronger than my desire to breathe, Riv. But leaving . . . you and I both know it won't make you happy."

I open my mouth to refute that, but nothing comes out. There's nothing to say.

He finishes the sentence in a way that tells me that he's not done. I prepare my heart for his next words, tempted to cover my ears from them. This is all too much.

"Baby, I thought I made you happy."

More than anything in the entire world.

His voice quiets even more, and I almost fall onto the floor when I hear the utter defeat in his voice. "I thought we were in this together, Riv. You and me."

"We are," I say, but we both know this conversation only confirms the opposite. My chest feels hollow as I try to speak, and nothing comes out.

His head dips lower until the crown of his hair is all I can see. "How can you say that," he chokes out, "When you're leaving me like this?"

I stand there, staring at the love of my life as he tries to hold himself together--weathering the sadness that I brought onto him. Feeling his heart crumble in his chest as he realizes he's helpless to stop me from running away. His back rises and falls slowly with every breath.

He doesn't deserve any of this.

I can't do this.

"I'm sorry," I cry, pulling on my clothes and fleeing his room. "I'm so sorry."

Gray rushes after me. "Riv, stop. River."

His hand grasps my wrist, and I tug it away, ignoring the familiar warmth of his loving touch. "Gray, I'm sorry," I repeat, flying toward the elevator and jabbing the button.

I never meant to hurt you like this.

"River, wait," he shouts, and he blocks my path to the elevator with his body. I want to sink into him, bury my face in his chest and forget everything.

But I can't.

I shut my eyes, shielding myself from his heartwrenching appeals. If anyone can break me down and change my mind, it would be him. Gray's my most vulnerable weakness--the one person who can tear my heart open and put it back together in the same breath--but I won't let myself give in again. I can't be weak anymore.

I feel Chewie nuzzle against my leg, whimpering and sensing the sadness lingering between his owners. I clench my eyes tight, knowing that looking at our dog will ruin me. My heart can't handle all this.

Then he presses something into my hand. I open my swollen eyes.

A notebook. The one he's written in for the past few months, always to his discretion. My heart stops.

"Please," he pleads, his low voice thick with tears. "Just read it. Riv, if I can't get through to you—"

The elevator doors open, and Gray doesn't finish his sentence, now only considering the possibility of following me. But then he checks his watch. Gracie.

His eyes bore into mine again, begging me to stay with him, to give in to my heart and work this out with him. To not put him in this situation—forced to sit back and watch as I leave like this.

I've forced his hand in the worst way possible.

He opens his mouth to speak, and we both know it's unfair what he's about to say. But he tells me anyway, his last-ditch effort to get through to me.

"Riv, I love you."

My breath catches in my throat, hearing those three words that he's said to me dozens of times before. But hearing them this time feels like a stab to the chest, a painful reminder of the collateral damage of my self-destruction.

"I—" I sob. "—I'm sorry, Grayson."

I shake my head and rush into the elevator, not giving myself time to think. To give in to him. I take the notebook and pour through the doors.

As the elevator doors close, I watch as he breaks completely. Tears stream down his face, and he's braced against the wall. His eyes are empty, numbed of all pain and sadness that I just inflicted on him. A shell of the man I love.

I did this to him. And I'm leaving him like this. Broken over me.

The doors close, and I fall onto the floor, cradling the notebook against my chest.

I'm so sorry.

chapters remaining: 2 + epilogue

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