The next night, when Violet and Peyton try to convince me to go to the fair, I don't resist. It's the fair's second-to-last night in town, and I know they've both been dying to go. Although fighting with Gray at the hospital only renewed my sense of despair, I feel a fighting urge to stop sulking over him.

I make the conscious choice to get over this shit. My life can't be weighed down by the memory of him forever. I just want my healing to begin, even if though the thought of moving on from him makes me want to break down.

Deep down, I search for the girl I used to be. More than ever, I need that girl's strength to help me move forward with my life.

Vi and Pey try to convince me that they're fine with just the three of us going, but I know they're just trying to keep me from being the fifth-wheel. If Gray and I were still together, I'd want him to be with me at the fair, so I push them to invite Sadie and Tommy. They ask me if I'm sure about a million times and I respond with the same resounding 'yes'.

The happiness on both of their faces as we pick up Tommy and Sadie only solidifies my confidence in my decision. The last thing I want is for them to sacrifice their own relationships and happiness just because mine are falling apart.

I keep a smile on my face as we approach the fairgrounds. Its tall structures and bright lights are visible from miles away and it only gets more overwhelming the closer we get. Tommy pays for all our tickets, against our protests, and we slide between sweaty, excited bodies to enter the fair.

The fair is all laughter, outrageously colorful lights, and sweet smells of funnel cake. The intoxicatingly happy atmosphere contrasts with the dark feelings swirling in my chest. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed here, contaminating the joy of everyone around me. A little girl runs past with cotton candy, and I think of Gracie.

Then I think of him, and I rub my face to scrub that image from my mind. Not tonight.

"Riv, you wanna get ice cream with me?" Violet asks, grabbing my hand with hers. I turn and see her smiling brightly at me, holding Tommy's hand with the other. They're babying me, no doubt about that, and I appreciate their efforts greatly.

"No, you two go ahead, though," I say to her. She gives me a small frown but eventually leaves to find the ice cream, Tommy in tow. I watch as they turn heads as they move through the crowd together, too caught up in each other to even notice.

Sadie links my arm with hers. "So does that mean you'll go with us on the roller coasters?" She asks hopefully. I'm about to shake my head, already thinking about how I shouldn't have come just to ruin their time.

But Pey nudges me. "You're not going to flake on us too, right? Come on, I won't let you mope around on a bench the whole night." Then she takes my hand and the three of us walk toward the jungle of rusty fair rides. I try to prepare myself to have fun.

Sadie chooses the first ride: one that spins you around and around while you're lying on your stomach. It's supposed to make you feel like you're a superhero flying through the air, but it just makes me feel nauseous. When they ask if I liked it, I give them an enthusiastic thumbs up. The elated smiles on their face are enough to keep me going.

The next few rides all feel the same, spinning me in endless circles while I listen to the carefree cheers of other riders. Pey or Sadie hold my hand on a few of them, squeezing my hand when it speeds up. Funny enough, those moments are the ones I enjoy the most, feeling them instinctively hold onto me in fear. I feel needed.

I'm about to call it quits after the Rave Wave, the fair ride created by Satan that moves you forward and backward, up and down in a circle. The flashing lights gave me a headache and I feel like I may be sick.

I shout over the loud crowd, "I think I'm going to try to find Violet and Tommy." Peyton squints. "No, you're just saying that so you can go sit on a bench by yourself."

She's not wrong.

I give them an apologetic look. "I just don't think I can handle this all right now. But you two should go have a good time!" I start to walk away but Peyton takes my hand, gently pulling me back.

She points in the distance. "At least ride the Swinging Ship with us. It's your favorite! We've ridden it every year, remember when we were little?"

I take a look at the long ship, almost turning upside down in the distance. It does look fun. "Fine. But only once."

Sadie squeals and we all head toward the long line for the Swinging Ship. We pass the time in line by debating whether cotton candy or funnel cake is better. Sadie and I are arguing for cotton candy against Peyton and her beloved funnel cake.

By the time we reach the front of the line, Peyton is raising her voice passionately and Sadie is declaring me and her the winners. We board the ship with the three of us in one row. Because of the way we got in, I end up between them. I look up and see that the sky is pitch black, not a star in sight.

The ship starts gently moving back and forth, slowly rising higher and higher. After a minute or two, the ship finally starts rising all the way backward, and both of them grab my hands. I grab theirs back, remembering the feeling of anticipation right before a drop.

As we reach the peak, we can see most of the fairgrounds, and it all looks so small. All the bright lights fade to a blur, and we're nearly upside-down. We stop, sitting almost parallel to the sky.

"Remember the first time we rode this? When I threw up on your pants?" Peyton asks, excitement lacing her voice.

"Yeah, I d--" Then we drop. The circulation in my hands cuts off as they both tighten their grip. Sadie squeals, joining in with the rest of the passengers to express her thrill. As we scoop downward and start rising forward, Peyton lets out a whoop of joy. I laugh loudly, and the sound is lost among every else's loud noises.

As we drop down again, I laugh even harder, feeling like my stomach is falling out of my ass. I squeeze Pey's and Sadie's hands, feeling the wind tangle my hair in front of me. As we're pulled all the way forward again, I find myself staring straight up the starless sky again, realizing that it's the same sky Gray and I once adored together.

I push the thought of him away and get lost in the moment again, letting my screams and laughs drown our the noise of my mind. Even as the ride slows and eventually stops, the high lingers in my blood, buzzing me all over.

"Let's find Violet and Tommy," I suggest. The night is young.

We wander around a bit before we finally find the couple playing a carnival game. Violet is hunched over a water gun, aiming for a clown's mouth in the distance. Tommy's in the same position next to her, a concentrated look in his eyes as he tries to fill up his clown's mouth with water faster. Vi squints in frustration as Tommy's clown's balloon fills up faster than hers.

Tommy wins and Violet scrunches her face at him. As we approach, he's wrapping her in a hug as she stands limply in his arms, still sulking from her defeat.

"What's up?" I say as we near them. Violet frowns and responds, "Tommy cheated."

"What? I won fair and square, baby." He bends down and kisses her on the cheek and, despite how sore of a loser she is, Violet smiles. "I'll give you my prize for winning," Tommy compromises.

She turns and points to a gigantic white teddy bear hanging in the stall. She grins. "I want that one."

I raise my eyebrow at the size of the stuffed animal. "Vi, I don't think that's available for--"

But Tommy's already turning back to the person manning the stall. They exchange a few words and we watch as Tommy gestures to the impossibly large teddy bear. After a few more words between them, Tommy hands the man a wad of cash and takes the stuffed animal.

"As promised," he says, handing it to Vi. She hugs it to her chest and stands on her tiptoes to kiss him. "Thank you," she says sweetly.

"Vi, if you're done castrating your poor boyfriend, we'd like to go ride the Ferris wheel," Peyton says. Vi flicks her off and wraps Tommy's arm around herself, struggling to walk while carrying the large bear. We all start making our way toward the Ferris wheel.

"You're just jealous that your boyfriend didn't just win you a teddy bear," Vi says. Tommy sees her still struggling to balance the teddy bear and takes it from her to carry it himself with one arm. He's so whipped, it's almost funny to watch.

"That bear is bigger than you, Vi," I remark. "And I don't think Pey's boyfriend is going to win her anything anytime soon."

Sadie laughs at my comment. We keep talking on the way to the Ferris wheel, playfully taking jabs at one another. No one brings up Gray, and I don't mind it at all.

The line for the Ferris wheel is surprisingly short and it only takes us a few seconds to get to the front. A tired-looking teenage boy collects our tickets and directs us into the cabs. Each cab is only a single long seat with a bar that goes over your lap, so the five of us have to split up.

Tommy and Violet enter their cab, placing their teddy bear child next to them. Vi places her legs over his and Tommy pulls the bar over their laps, securing them in. The Ferris wheel turns slightly, and then it's time for me, Pey, and Sadie to get in.

We're laughing as we get into the cab, joking about how our butts are barely going to fit on the seat. They both sit down and I'm about to join them when the boy taps my shoulders.

"Only two to a cab, ma'am," he says. I back up.

Pey stands up. "Here, you go with Sadie and I'll ride alone. Riv, get in."

I wave her off. "No, no, go with your girlfriend. I'll ride alone, it's fine."

"You have to make a decision now, ladies," he prods. Pey reluctantly sits down and the boy pulls the bar down for them, ensuring that we don't change our minds. I smile at them and watch as their seat rises. An empty cab comes up and the boy gestures for me to get on.

I cautiously sit down, feeling my anxiety set in. Of course, I'm riding a Ferris wheel alone at the most date-worthy place. The doubt is creeping in again. I shouldn't have come.

I'm about to pull the bar down when another boy steps up, hesitating in front of my cab. He's older than the other boy, about my age if not slightly older, and he's gesturing to my seat. "May I?" He asks politely.

Not wanting to be rude, I nod my head. "Of course. I'm not waiting for anyone."

He smiles, and a dimple pops out on his cheek. When he sits down, I notice that he's actually quite cute. His sandy blonde hair is almost falling into his light blue eyes, illuminated by the fair lights. In the small seat, our legs are almost touching. I turn away, looking out at the view as our seat rises.

Gray's out there somewhere. I wonder what he's doing.

"I'm Ben, by the way," he says. I turn to him. "Since we're Ferris wheel buddies, I thought I'd introduce myself." He smiles nervously, and the dimple reappears. "I'm sorry if I'm talking too much. You're just...pretty girls make me nervous."

Ben laughs again and runs his hands through his hair. Just like Gray would do when he was nervous around me. But Gray's not here right now; Ben is here, and he has dimples.

Gray didn't have dimples, but I never cared. I hold out my hand to Ben. "River."

He shakes my hand, before testing the sound on his tongue. "River. I like it."

Gray said he loved my name. He's not here.

"Yeah, that's my name. Don't wear it out," I say. Then I wince. "Sorry, that was stupid. I don't know why I said that."

Then I laugh, and it's a genuine laugh. Ben indirectly made me laugh. Without even realizing the significance of what just happened, he says, "Let me guess. Pretty boys like me make you nervous?"

I laugh at him calling himself pretty. Another point for Ben; he managed to make me laugh directly. We're getting higher and higher. I smile at him. "Something like that. It takes a lot to make me nervous, though."

"Does this make you nervous?" I can't tell if he's referencing being on the Ferris wheel or sitting next to him. The answer is 'yes' to both questions.

"Not really," I say, swinging my feet in the air. "It's peaceful up here. Beautiful."

Ben looks out to the horizon, admiring the view with me. "Yeah, it is."

Looking across the city, I imagine the lines Gray and I created together. Down the streets, through buildings, around and around each other, tying our lives together and solidifying our fates. Looking out at this town feels like opening the book of mine and Gray's love story. It hurts too much.

I snap my head back to Ben. "So did you come here alone?"

He looks at me and chuckles. "If that's your way of asking me if I have a girlfriend, the answer is 'no'. But I have to ask you the same question."

"No," I say without missing a beat. "I don't. have a boyfriend"

Ben's blue eyes sparkle. "Good. Then I won't feel bad for what I'm about to say."

I raise my eyebrow. "And what's that?"

"You're supposed to kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel," he says. I realize that we've stopped at the peak of our ride, at the top of the world. Looking between us, the distance between our legs seems to have shrunk, and I can't tell if I was the one who moved closer.

I tilt my head at him, finding the brave River inside me, the one who is trying to get over Gray. "So what are you suggesting?"

Ben looks toward my lips and puts his hand on my thigh. I don't stop him. "I'm suggesting that we don't break Ferris wheel tradition. What do you say, River?"

My name doesn't roll off his tongue the same way it did off Gray's.

I don't know who leans in first but then his lips are on mine. They're soft, gentle against me. It feels fine, normal, and I keep kissing him. His hands find my cheek. The skin of his palm is not nearly as rough as Gray's, and I don't let myself think about whether I like that. He's not Gray. He's warm and nice and cute. There's no problem here. This is brave River.

We break away when our cab starts moving down slowly. With my face mere inches from his, I can see his eyes are even more electrically blue up close. They're not grey, not even close. Maybe that's what I need.

"You're even prettier up close," he says softly. Our legs are touching now and I make myself smile. Our cab is getting lower and lower.

"Is that all you have to say to me? That I'm pretty?" I tease.

He smiles. "Well, you taste pretty sweet too."

His words knock the breath out of me, sounding all too familiar to words that Gray once whispered to me. For a second, it's Gray in front of me, holding my face, piercing through me with his gaze. Everything spins, and then it's me and him.

And we're eating ice cream outside, waiting for Gracie to come back from the bathroom. Gray just kissed me, sweetly, tenderly.

"If only you acted as sweet as you taste, Riv," he says lowly. I'm speechless, struggling to keep my breath steady.

He's right there, right in front of me. It's him, and we're so happy.

His eyebrows lift. His voice is so smooth, I feel like I could drown in it. "Are you okay, River?"

"Are you okay, River?" It's Ben's voice again, and I'm jolted back into the moment. On this Ferris wheel with a boy I just met. Gray's gone.

I look around. The cab has stopped at the bottom and our bar is lifted off our laps. Ben's staring at me as if I just grew another head. In the distance, I see my friends waiting for me, casting me confused looks.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I have to go," I rush out, standing up.

"Wait, did I do something wrong?" Ben asks behind me. Rejection is heavy in his voice, and I'm the worst person ever. But I can't do this right now. I was so stupid to think I was ready to move on.

"No, no, you were perfect," I turn around and say, feeling an ache in my chest for both of us. "I'm sorry, I just can't...."

Then I leave him standing there, hurt and confused. I rush to where the four of my friends are standing. Violet notices the distress written on my face and puts her hand on my arm.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She asks quietly, looking at me worried. I just look down at my feet. The loud noises surrounding me feel like they're closing in on me, overloading my senses. I can't hear myself think.

"I just need to leave. I'm sorry," I choke out, trying to hide my frustrated tears. Violet tilts my head toward her and gives me the most caring look.

"That's fine. We were all talking about leaving anyway. Come on," she says.

"No, you guys should stay. I'll get an Uber home."

Then I rush off, leaving them behind me. I hear two of them chase after me but I speed up, trying to lose them. This isn't their problem, I'm not their problem.

The bright lights are swirling in my vision, making me feel dizzy. Men and women shout loudly from behind their game booths, taunting me with promises of prizes and candy. Everyone is so damn loud.

My world is spinning and my feet barely find their way in front of one another. I manage to exit the fairgrounds and push through the throngs of happy people. It's darker out here, and the shadows are threatening to close in on me.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I stumble onto a bench, curling up, protecting myself from the world. My chest is tight, and I can barely breathe. The shadows and sounds and lights are closing in. Faster. I can't stop them.

I can't do this.

Then it's Gray's voice blowing through my senses. I feel him.

Come on, River, come back to me. Think of five things you see.

Four things you feel. You can do this.

Three things you hear.

Two things you smell.

Now one thing you taste.

For a second, I allow myself to paint a picture of him in my head using those five senses. I welcome him with open arms, let him wrap himself around me, grounding me. Time slows, and I let myself imagine the warmth of his skin pressed against me.

I come back down to earth, like a stray balloon being pulled back with a gentle hand. Gray comes back to me, and our breaths rise and fall together. Slowly.

You can do this, baby.

But when I open my eyes, I'm still alone. Gray's still gone, only a whisper echoing in my mind. The shadows are my only company, and I feel colder than ever before.