I manage to hold it together until I get home.

It's only when I reach under my pillow and feel the sharp edges of something flat that the tears start coming. I pull the paper out and stare at Gray's notes for a long time, reading over his dark writing and remembering his broken promises. My fingers itch to tear them up and throw them away but I can't bring myself to do it.

Nothing you say would ever keep me away from you.
- Gray.

He lied to me. He lied to me, and none of it was ever real.

Memories of him fill me, pushing out the sadness and flooding my senses with pure, numbing rage. The tears that roll down my face are fast and hot, burning with fury.

Beyond the confines of my bed, the world ceases to exist around me. For what seems like forever, I hardly move, not willing to fight against the rawness weighing down my body. Sometimes Peyton and Sadie visit me, urging me to eat something or go somewhere with them, but I weakly brush them off. Sadie looks after Chewie at Gray's penthouse and gives me updates on how he's doing, but that's not even enough to lift my spirits. She sends me pictures so I can see how big he's growing, since I can't be there to watch. It really only makes me sadder.

They leave my dark bedroom with solemn faces every time.

Two days after the accident, Violet gets discharged from the hospital and starts visiting me on a daily basis as well. She brings me my favorite foods and reads me her favorite books (the Fifty Shades series) but ends up leaving with the same helpless expression.

Some days, Peyton comes by herself. I've learned to expect the worst news during these visits. She always sits on the edge of my bed and can't meet my gaze. I'm always up to my ears covered in blankets, but her words are loud and clear.

One day:

The doctors induced Gracie into a coma. She's so young and they don't want to risk keeping her under for too long, but no one really knows how long she'll be out. The whole thing is really risky. They can't guarantee anything.

Another day:

Trevor was the one who crashed into their car. They're saying it was intentional. He...he didn't survive.

I don't even move when she tells me these things. Peyton leaves quietly and sadly. My brain doesn't even process the news until after she leaves, when I get out of bed and I do anything to get my blood pumping. Smashing and kicking anything in sight.

In those violent moments, I almost understand why Gray was always punching things. With blood running down my skin and the pulsing pain in my nerves, I can feel everything clearly.

Maybe it was all my fault. I angered Trevor. I'm the reason he targeted Gray's car. I'm the reason Gracie may never wake up.

Then I fall back onto my bed, bloody fists and all, and let myself fall into a fitfull sleep. It goes on like that for days--me destroying something, reveling in the sensations, then overthinking myself into an unpleasant daze. Even my dreams are filled with him, his long fingers reaching into my chest and tearing me apart.

I'll never be enough.

Sometimes I get out of my bed to write in my journal, scrawling pages and pages of thoughts. My pen rips through the paper and my tears smear the ink, but it's my only release. It's the only remedy for getting him out of my mind, if even just for a second.

It's always been my fault.

School ended for me the Wednesday after I left Gray, so now my monotonous days are only punctuated by soccer practice. Despite how heavy my body feels, I drag myself out of bed to go to the field, pulling my face into a convincing smile. I can't let the kids down.

The kids see right through my cheery voice and bright smile. In a group as small as theirs, Gracie's absence forms a painful hole during practice. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Their scrimmage teams are uneven now, and Liam doesn't play nearly as well as before. I feel like my sadness is rippling outward into every area of my life, and I feel helpless to stop it.

One day, after practice, I explain to the parents that Gracie was injured and will not be at practice for a while. I don't go into detail for the sake of Gray's and Gracie's privacy, but the parents meet me with sympathetic glances, as if I'm the one in the hospital.

The next practice, all the kids come up to me after practice. Liam stands at the forefront, holding a large pink envelope covered in all kinds of stickers. "It's for Gracie," he explains, wringing his small hands. "We all signed it. I put three dollars in there. It's all I had."

I thank and hug them, and they leave. In my car, I break down in sobs, careful not to get tears on Gracie's card. I wonder if this is what I looked like when Gray first noticed me, puffy-eyed and miserable. Falling apart alone in my car.

The girl from that day feels so distant--gone. The girl that put her sadness aside and tried to get better, tried to be happy despite her circumstances. That girl would laugh at me now as I wallow in my own pitiful state.

That girl was so much stronger than I am. What happened to that strength?

It has to be somewhere in me, even if it's buried miles beneath the surface. Right?

More days pass, and the thoughts don't slow. I'm woken from my sleep by my door creaking open slowly. My hands tug my comforter over my head, and I'm prepared to sit through a few minutes of Peyton or Violet trying to lift my spirits. But then a cool hand presses to my forehead, drawing me from my thoughts.

I push the covers from my face and stare into my own eyes. Mom.

She smooths the hair from my forehead, sliding her soft skin over my sweaty face. In her lap, she holds a small bowl of what looks like greek yogurt. I stare at her warily, ready for her to make comment about my ragged state. But she's silent, staring at me with an indistinct emotion in her hazel eyes.

I want to be wary of her, of everything that she's said to me. But I can't remember the last time she's touched me like this--like a mother. I scan her face for her usual cattiness but find none.

"How are you doing, honey?" She asks softly, stopping her caresses. She's not wearing any makeup or jewelry and I'm struck by how much she looks like me. Or, I guess, how much I look like her. Her mouth, the same mouth I have, is pressed together, and she almost looks concerned.

I sniff. "Fine."

"Oh, honey, you can tell me what happened," she soothes, running her fingers through my hair, which is only two or three shades darker than hers. When I don't answer, she continues. "Your father and I hear you crying at night. We can't stand to see you so sad."

"That's a surprise," I bite, snapping back to reality. I'm not a helpless puppy that will lap up any attention she gives me. I move away from her.

Her full lips tilt downward, as if my jab actually hurt her. "Believe it or not, River, we care about you. We only want what's best for you."

"Could have fooled me. It must be so hard to care after your stupid, worthless whore of a daughter. Tell me, why did you guys even want a kid if you were just going to treat her like a dog?"

She puts the yogurt on my nightstand and sits closer to me on the bed. I sit up a bit, eager to hear her try to justify my childhood. "You don't know how badly we wanted you, River. We tried for years just to conceive you. You were our little miracle."

I just scoff.

She makes a grab for my hand but I yank it under the covers, making it crystal clear that we are not friends here. "I raised myself," I grit out.

Her thin eyebrows arch sadly. "We tried our best, baby."

"Don't call me that. And your best wasn't enough. So get out."

She doesn't. "We tried to give you everything. Money, clothes, the best opportunities. Being a parent is difficult, River, you couldn't understand. There are a million things to balance and it's impossible to do everything perfectly."

"You're saying that you left me alone for weeks on end...because being a parent is hard? That's bullshit. That's a cop-out, and you know it."

"It's the truth."

"I don't care. Get out of my room."

I don't know what's changed in her but she won't let this go. "We weren't there for you, you've made that perfectly clear. But you're still my daughter, and I want to know what's going on in your life."

"You don't deserve to know."

"You and Grayson broke up, didn't you?" She asks. When she sees the pained expression on my face, she frowns sympathetically. "Aw, baby. I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken."

Her words feel like sandpaper rubbing against a fresh wound. I can't hide my tears from her; she's invaded my space. "Please, I don't want to talk about it."

"That's fine, sweetie. Here, I brought you low-fat greek yogurt. Your favorite." She picks up the bowl and holds up the spoon, preparing to feed me herself. I haven't eaten nor liked greek yogurt since I was seven but I take the bowl from her anyway. Although I don't let her feed me herself, she seems satisfied to just watch me eat her peace-offering.

She sits there the whole time, examining each bite I take. When I finish, she quickly takes the bowl from me and sets it back down. To my disappointment, she doesn't leave.

"Heartbreaks are hard, sweetie. Trust me, I've had my fair share." She laughs as if we're old friends bonding over coffee. I'm not amused, and she notices. Her face falls.

She clears her throat. "Was it you or him that did the breaking up?"

I shake my head, not really knowing the answer to that question myself. He pushed me away and I walked off. "It was mutual, I guess. We aren't right for each other."

The lines in her cheeks deepen as she considers what I'm saying. "But how do you know that?"

"Because we just aren't! He doesn't trust me, and he isn't willing to work to keep us together. I couldn't keep...I just..." My voice breaks and the dampness on my face returns. My mother presses a hand to my cheek and wipes away my tears, and I just lie there and allow her to.

Her voice is gentle, kind. "That boy loves you. He's just afraid."

I laugh. "How the hell would you know? You don't know anything about us."

She smiles. "I saw the way he watched you. I saw the way he held you outside the front door the day we met him. I saw you together, River."

"You mean the day you humiliated me in front of him? Oh yeah, you're a seasoned expert on our relationship," I snap. She recoils from my sarcastic tone, and I can see her holding back a scathing response. But she composes herself and ignores my comment.

"Boys are stupid, River. One day, you'll learn that boys will take the path of least resistance ninety-eight percent of the time. It's even worse for boys that are in love. They make stupid, selfish decisions and don't realize until it's too late."

"I understand. Boys think with their dicks. Can you leave now?"

"You're not listening to me, honey. If they feel even an ounce of fear or doubt, they'll run full-speed in the opposite direction, even if it breaks their own heart. Sometimes they...they can't process what they're feeling so they just try to escape it altogether," she explains, rubbing my hand over the blanket.

"Gray wasn't scared. He told me he loved me. He knew how he felt." The words tumble out of me before I can stop them.

She laughs lightly. "Honey, that makes it even worse! He was in deep and he realized that his feelings for you were strong. That must've been terrifying to him. Grayson was probably looking for the first chance to get out of those strange, new waters--to get rid of those powerful emotions that were infiltrating his life."

"You don't know what you're talking about." The thought of Gray running from me simply because he loved me, disgusts me.

She pats my hand slowly. "I don't know the circumstances of your split, you're right about that. But you and Grayson...you're young. You're young and scared, but don't let that get in the way of experiencing something great."

I snap my head toward her, keeping my face neutral and not giving her the satisfaction of seeing me consider her advice. My neck almost hurts from her sudden change in attitude. It's like a different woman sitting in front of me.

"Why are you choosing to act like a mom now? After all these years, you wanna come in here and help me fix my relationship? I'm not buying it."

She tilts her head, exasperated. "Come on, River. Does a mother really need a reason to talk to her daughter."

"A mother like you? Yes, she does," I say, leaning forward and pressing her to answer me. Our identical sets of eyes strike together, and sparks are threatening to fly. She licks her lips, starting to look like a toddler caught drawing on the walls.

It scares me how easily she strips off her caring facade.

She smiles that smile she uses on her country club friends. Nineteen years with her. I've learned to detect when she wants something. "You see, honey--"

"I told you to not call me that."

"You can't talk to me like that."

"Why? Because you're my mother? Cut the act."

She swallows hard and takes her hands off me. "Your Grayson was quite the charmer. Well-off too."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"It's just...we love you very much, River. And we know how much college means to you. It's very expensive, you know." She says, smoothing my comforter out once again. She's nervous.

"Why does the cost of my college matter to you? Grandpa Rick left me a college fund," I say. My heart twists, and I suddenly see the rest of this conversation panning out. I squint my eyes at her, daring her to continue.

"Well after meeting Grayson, your father was inspired to try his hand at trading stocks. So he did."

"And?"

She looks around my room, breathing through her mouth slowly. Her eyes can't even meet mine. "He lost a lot of money."

"He lost your money, right?"

No answer.

"Dad lost your money. Tell me that dad lost your money." My voice is rising, and she tries to stand firm.

"We were trying to help you. Our friends said it'd be easy money. We were hoping to double your college fund. Neither of us planned for it to go this way."

"You mean neither of you gave a fuck about what might happen to my college fund. You took a risk with my money and you lost, and now you're trying to spin the narrative," I growl. I flip the covers off me and stand over her, finding pleasure in being the bigger person here.

"Now, River, you know that's not the case."

"You wanna know what the case is? The case is you lost my fucking money doing shit you had no experience doing!" I back away from her, afraid of what I might do. "What you're going to do is pay me back my fifty thousand dollars so I can pay for college and get the fuck away from you two."

"You know your father and I don't have that kind of money lying around, sweetheart."

"Yes, you do. You just use it to pay for vacations with your friends and your country club membership. You used money that wasn't yours and now you're going to give it back," I demand.

She crosses her arms. "I think housing and feeding you for eighteen years is payment enough, missy. If anything, you should be thankful that fifty thousand is all we're asking for in return. Maybe we should take back that car we so graciously got for you. Or that phone you're always on?"

"I'm nineteen, mother, and you know that's absolute bullshit."

"What's bullshit is that you're speaking this way to the woman who gave birth to you." She looks around my room. "You're so ungrateful, River. Look at everything we've given you! We don't owe you a single cent."

"Get out," I growl.

"You want me to get out of a room in my house?" She scoffs. "That's rich."

"Get out!" I yell, curling my fists and feeling my words in the pit of my stomach. Something in my voice must strike a chord because she shuts her mouth and turns to leave. But not before getting the last word in.

"Don't act so helpless, River. You have a roof over your head and a boyfriend that could pay you into any college you want. I'm trying to help you. You're just too spoiled to see things for how they are." Then she shuts the door behind her.

Her words cut deep, slicing open a wound I've been nursing for days: It's all my fault.

She made clear the reason she was bombarding me with love advice. Having me get back together with Gray and use him for his money is the only way for my parents to preserve their lavish lifestyle and avoid the repercussions of their actions.

I should have seen right through it. I should have known there was no way that my mom actually cared about my life.

Not only is my future with Gray gone; my future in general is gone. There's no way I can go to college now. I'm not going anywhere. I'm never getting away from this personal hell of mine.

I fall asleep, kicking myself for ever believing that I deserved anything more than what I've been given.