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Chapter 28

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"Kayden, stop! Can you hold on a second?" I scamper after him, desperate and panicking. "You can't leave like this!"

He strides towards his car without a word or a glance back. He opens the door, and I don't feel bold enough to put my hand on his shoulder or ask him to stay. To beg him to hear me out and believe that I'm not some twisted, unethical unprofessional.

"You're just going to report me without hearing me out?" My voice breaks.

"Mia, just stop." He doesn't even look at me. Just gets in his car and drives off.

Jesus Christ, what am I going to do—

"What happened?" Jake asks behind me.

I slowly turn around, eyes blazing with rage and disbelief.

"What happened? Did you just ask me what happened?"

His brows lower as he looks away. "Did he find out?"

I scoff and step back, my stomach churns. "Is that what you wanted? Did you do it on purpose?"

"Of course not! I had no fucking idea that he'd walk you home. I've been here for the last two hours, waiting for you—"

"You shouldn't have assumed! You should've asked!" Tears pool in my eyes and I shake my head. "I can't talk to you right now, just leave me alone."

"I'll take care of it. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking—" He grabs my arm.

I push him away, so abruptly and forcefully that he stumbles back. "I don't need you to do anything. You've done more than enough. Just fucking leave."

"Give me his number," he says but I rush past him to my apartment. He follows after me. "Just give me his number, I'll talk to him."

"You won't do shit." I'm barely able to unlock the door with shaking hands, biting down on my lip to stop from whimpering as I step inside.

"Give me his number."

"Fuck off!" I shout before slamming the door shut.

"Mia, please open the door." He knocks incessantly. "Open. Open the door."

I don't give a fuck. Let the neighbors call the cops. I rush to my bedroom and sink on the door, head in my hands, knees to my stomach.

I don't even know what I'm crying over. Jake's actions? Kayden's face? The utter and sudden loss of control over my life? My reputation?

And it's all my fault.

I'm so stupid. So stupid. So stupid. I deserve this. What the hell did I expect? What did I expect?

"Enough," I growl, teeth gritted. "Stop the pity party. Think of a plan and fix this. Fucking fix this."

~

When I open my eyes the next morning, I stare at the ceiling for what feels like forever.

Thinking.

Kayden is a full time professor. He's at school Monday through Friday. Even if I go to his office first thing this morning, there's a chance he's already emailed Dr. Dennis.

Still, a part of me hopes that he'd give me a chance. He can't be the type of person to just hurt me.

But something about his reaction last night was not right.

He always expresses exasperation about old-school rules and beliefs. He's mentioned that the academic policies are games, a sophisticated shield of protection, devoid of individual circumstances. An easy shortcut.

I know he believes all that. So what was his reaction about?

There's no way he has feelings for me. No. He's made that clear. I would know. I sense those things. I never feel comfortable around a man if he has aspirations I don't reciprocate. The hyperactive nervous system is sometimes a blessing.

So... what is it?

He runs away. He doesn't like confrontation.

He didn't think of rescuing Molly on her birthday, I had to push him. He only yesterday asked for my help in her custody trial... Kayden runs from conflict. He cowers. He hides. He's insecure.

And I need to understand what made him so insecure about last night.

~

It's funny how a place that feels like home can suddenly become foreign. That's how I feel when I park at the structure of AU at 7:40 AM.

An aura of horrifying anticipation, crippling dread and ripped dreams follow my steps as I walk through the structures. Walls that used to give me strength to make something out of my broken existence.

Without my job, I'm worth nothing.

And this lump of worthlessness sticks in my throat as I enter the Psychology building.

Will I be accepted? Or will I be abandoned once more?

And if I get abandoned here, then where the hell do I belong?

If my intellect isn't worth anything, then what else do I have left?

At least with my job, I can justify the past. Sure, I don't have a family, sure I'm unloved, but that's fine. Look at what I've become. A professor, a respected educator. I'm someone. I mean something.

Do I?

My heart beats irregularly, painfully. I can't let these toxic thoughts cloud logic. Not right now. Right now, I have to fight. I'm not done. I can't be done.

Except as I wrap my cold fingers around Kayden's door, I hear Dr. Dennis behind my shoulder.

"Oh, Kayden didn't mention that this would be a group meeting," he says. The wrinkles on his face deepen his frown and I try not to cower.

"A-are you meeting with Kayden right now?" I ask, my mouth dry.

"Yes... he emailed to talk about something urgent. Were you not aware?"

I shake my head and swallow. "I need to talk to him about something urgent too..."

"Oh? Something I can help with, perhaps?"

My brain feels like cotton, the concrete ground is soft. Nausea swirls in my abdomen. "No, it's about his daughter, Molly. She's a patient and I have to meet with her in an hour, but I have to talk to Kayden first."

"Hmph." His eyes narrow with contemplation, probably weighing the priorities.

"It will only take five minutes, if you don't mind," I plead.

"I suppose...I can come back, if it's about his daughter—"

Kayden's door opens and my spine stiffens when Jake steps out, towering over us. I shuffle back, hand splayed on my chest and eyes down with a mumbled apology.

"Excuse me." I hear his quiet, gruff voice in the midst of my disorientation. Dr. Dennis brushes him off and lets me know that he'll be back, then Jake's black boots disappear out of my sight.

I lift my gaze to his back as he walks down the hallway, Dr. Dennis a few steps behind. I open Kayden's door and step in, not waiting for permission.

"Mia." He lifts his head, startled. "I-I'm supposed to meet with Dennis right now—"

"I'm aware." I raise my eyebrow at him. "I told him to come back."

He clears his throat and pulls his tie away from his neck. His office is the same size as mine, except every wall is covered with loaded bookshelves. All of which I'm sure he's read more than once. Awards and certificates crowd the rest of the space. Pictures of Molly as an infant rest at his desk. A faint, musty smell of old publications fills the air.

"You were going to tell him? Just like that, Kayden?" I approach his desk, palms open.

He looks at me for a moment. "No."

"Then?"

He sighs a short exhale, harsh and defeated. I take a seat and cross one leg over the other. I take a long breath, arms still on the sides of the seat.

"What did Jake want?" I ask.

He raises a condescending, irritating brow. "As if you don't know?"

"No, I don't fucking know. I didn't talk to him. I came here to talk to you."

"Talk about what, Mia? What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. I want you to listen."

"Why? Why does my opinion matter?" he asks.

"Clearly it matters." I reply coldly, growing impatient. "Considering you were about to spill everything to my boss without context. Or am I wrong?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, you are." He sits back, looking away. "I wasn't going to report you. I was going to protect you."

"What?" I scowl. "How exactly?"

He rubs his neck and gets up, approaching a bookshelf on the right. He takes out a wet wipe and starts cleaning the spines of some neuroscience textbooks.

I bite the inside of my cheek and plant myself in front of him, elbow on top of the shelf. "Kayden, talk."

He doesn't look at me. "I was going to tell Dennis that you have a student with unreciprocated feelings who needs to be removed from your class."

"What?" My eyes pop.

"I-I didn't want you to get hurt. If word of this got out, you'd get fired. You'd be ruined."

"Kayden...what the fuck?" Heat rushes to my face with anger. "You can't do that shit without my permission. What has gotten into you?" I yank the book that he keeps scrubbing. "Stop cleaning!"

"I'm sorry! I-I... didn't want to bring you into it. You're not thinking clearly. He's... he could be manipulating you and you wouldn't even know. I was thinking last night and I realized that he's probably the reason you gave up that interview. This isn't you. I couldn't ask for your permission, because I knew you'd say no."

"You don't have the right to do that. Do you understand how wrong that is? How controlling and manipulating that actually is? If Jake is controlling me, then how are you any different with what you just tried to do?"

"I'm sorry...you're right. It wouldn't work anyway, students are always protected in these situations. But I just...damn it, I don't know. I lost it. I think I lost it." He grabs a handful of wet wipes and kneels down to scrub the bottom shelves. His face is scrunched with guilt and sorrow, and my heart sinks at his struggle. Something's eating at him and it's not even about me.

I squat down and put my hand on top of his. "Kayden, you dumb fuck. You can't clean paper with water based products, you're going to ruin them."

"What am I supposed to clean them with, then," he grumbles.

"There are actual products for this, how do you not know?"

He slams his hand on the furniture, making me jump. "I don't know! I don't know anything unless it's written in a fucking book!"

I stare at him wide eyed and sit back on the floor as he unravels with heavy breaths. His face flushes red and a sheen of perspiration coats his forehead.

"I don't know about Molly, I don't know about book cleaning, and I don't know what the hell I was doing emailing Dennis, and I'm sorry. I was just trying to help, to prevent you from losing yourself before it was too late."

Silence stretches between us. I wait for his breaths to slow down. I study the fury in his eyebrows, the clenched force in his fingers, the tension in his shoulders.

It's so unlike him to act impulsively... so irrationally.

He's projecting.

"Kayden..." I say calmly. "Not knowing everything doesn't mean you know nothing."

His voice is lost, quiet, almost to himself. "It does to me. That's all I have to offer."

Not this again.

But also. "High five."

He lifts his head with confusion and looks at my raised palm. I nudge it closer. 'High five for the imposter syndrome club, yay us. Come on, give me a high five."

He slowly raises his open hand and I slap it, with a little too much force. His bewildered expression makes me chuckle. "I was driving here, pretty much thinking the same thing. And I bet if you were in my head, you'd tell me how irrational it is to expect to know everything."

The corners of his lips pull up just a tad, and a sliver of life shines behind his glasses. "Mia, you're still so young...I've...I should know better. Trust me."

"Because Natalie was your student?"

His smile falls and every facial muscle freezes. I finally have my answer.

"That's why you reacted like that, didn't you? She manipulated you, and to this day you're still beating yourself up that you should've seen right through it."

He looks away, a flash of shame striking his features. I lean closer, my voice more gentle. "You thought I was getting fooled too, that I was blind to it. That's why you wanted to help. You probably had people tell you that Nat was fooling you, maybe a roommate? A friend? But you didn't listen."

"She slept with other professors...that's how I found out," he mutters, tone grave, eyes deep on the books in front of him. "She used me for a grade... and I... was in love with her."

"You base your self-worth on cognition, and when you fell for her games, your foundation got destroyed. And I get that, trust me, I do. You think she outsmarted you," I smile, shaking my head. "I'm going to prove just how wrong you are. Not just to you, but to the entire court."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'll get to that later." I sigh, standing up. "Now tell me what the hell Jake wanted from you."

He gets up to grab another book from the shelf. "Nothing significant, just that he'd drop your class so you don't get in any trouble—"

"What did you just say?" I snatch the book again.

He flinches, retrieving his hands back. "He's going to drop your class—"

"I'm going to kill him." I growl and turn on my heel.

"What's the big deal? I told him it's a good idea—"

I turn my head with such eerie rage that his face pales. "Kayden... he's three weeks away from his MBA so he can save his dad's company. My class is his ticket to that."

"Oh."

"Yeah! Oh!"

~

I call Jake the second I'm in the car. "Where the fuck are you?"

"At work, what's wrong?" His voice is quiet, careful and sad.

"When are you done?"

"Around five. What's going on?"

"Oh nothing, just planning your murder. Come over when you're done."

"You don't need to worry, I'm not your student anymore—"

"Did you already drop my class?" I shout, knuckles turning white on the steering wheel.

"No, I'm going to do it after work—"

"No, you won't! I'll chop your balls off and shove them down your throat. Just come over when you're done and don't do anything stupid."

"It's not stupid, I'll do whatever it takes to protect you. I'm sorry, I really screwed up—"

I wish I could shut my eyes, but I'm driving, so I grit my teeth instead. "You idiot. Dropping my class isn't going to help me, that's not how it works. All you would've done is hurt yourself and throw away my sacrifice when I dumped my interview for you."

"Okay, alright. Just calm down... are you driving?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then definitely calm down. You're a horrible driver."

"I'm not in the mood for your jokes."

"Alright. I'll just see you after work."

"Fine." I hang up.

Wait...why am I seeing him again?

~~ A/N ~~

I think, I think Mia is pissed off.

Or, is she hiding something else behind that anger? Hmmm.

Thank you guys for reading! <3