I stare at myself in the mirror. This girl, I've always hated her. She can't keep anything. Never good enough. I think I'd be a little prettier if I were lighter.

I'm brown skin, torso length curly hair, I don't think I'd want to be skinnier though.

That's the only thing I've got going for me. My body.

Even then, that's not enough.

I used to think my eyes were pretty. Their cat eye shape, the golden hazel irises.

I had a teacher who fixated on them once. A part of me will always hate myself for this but, he was the only one who considered me beautiful. Enough.

I was only seven, being so young I didn't have romantic feelings then. He did... I'm sure you can guess what that was...

Nothing but wrong. I barely had friends during that time either.

Maybe that's why he did it. Nobody would notice.

I didn't miss the nap times or time outs- what was done during those times. Just the positive attention.

If I'd known I'd never know that again. I would've appreciated it more.

Molestation is evil and something I could never understand. Why would you purposely take away a child's innocence?

But it was just in the way he made me feel so special.

Twisted way of thinking, judge me. I'm nothing special.

"Nose Rose! Creep, you literally obsess over yourself in the mirror when I'm not here?!" Kat intrudes.

"We moved to Arkansas, you didn't. What are you doing here?" I chuckle as she tries wrestling me out of a hug.

"Just wanted to see how you were adjusting, make any friends today?" She asks.

"Plenty." I lie.

What's the harm in it? No one could ever tell.

"Nice, all the details." She attempts sitting in my bed.

"Aht! You're in your outside clothes." I accuse.

She groans, "You have the worst rules." She says sitting on a bean bag.

"I'm just glad you followed the first one." I point, acknowledging she took of her shoes before coming in.

"What have you been up to?" I ask sitting on my bed.

"As you know, I'm taking a gap year. Traveling, moving, finding myself..."

Katerina always made dramatic introductions when you ask what she's been up to. It's like she's story telling. It was entertaining for her.

It added excitement, anticipation. She's so pretty too, so she always has boy stories and pretty privilege experiences.

She's my step sister but DNA is pointless when it comes to our relationship.

"He completely misses the basket and Lebron James just laughs at him like the rest of us. Kai can be such an idiot, he makes a fool of me on purpose I swear." She finishes another story as I continue laughing.

"Wow."

"Yeah." She nods. "But anyway, enough about me. You're turn." She sighs.

I sit for a second deciding on whether I felt like making stories or not.

"Not much, it's not like I didn't completely finish my room in one day or anything." I look around.

"I was going to mention that. It looks great, you're so creative. As usual." She rolls her eyes, standing up.

"Leaving so soon?" I ask.

"Relax, I was just getting up to look around. I do have to leave soon though. My flight leaves in a couple of hours." She shrugs.

"Ok." I smile hiding my sadness. "Have fun, stay safe. I love you."

"Always, I love you too." We embrace one another.

The house goes back to normal after she leaves.
Mom and Matt watch family feud as I listen to music cleaning up.

I shouldn't depend on people I know.

Being alone for so many years you'd think I'd be used to this.

I didn't mind being alone entirely it's just the feeling. It is both so strange and so loud, so harmful.

A string of unwanted thoughts to no end.

Looking into the living room seeing mom smiling and Matt so happy.

Kat so full of life away from me and everything else. It's not about me, I know. I'm glad it's not.

It's not like I have a place here either...no one would notice.

No one would notice if I just disappeared.

I shake the thought away.

Alone, unwanted thoughts. They just happen, I tend to swaddle myself into them.

I walk upstairs closing myself into my room.

My phone goes off receiving a notification.

_j.r._ started following you.

What kind of username?

I inwardly judge.

I click on the notification to see who it is.

"Of course the account is private...prissy." I speak to myself.

Studying the profile picture I couldn't even take a guess. It's just a picture of manly hands playing a piano.

Deciding I'm thinking way too much, I lay down, closing my eyes.

~.~

My eyes open and I just stare at the ceiling.

I don't want to leave the house but I know I'm going to have to work.

I sit up, clearing my head and rubbing my eyes.

"You're all good." I nod to myself before getting up.

Doing my usual routine I decide that everyday from now on, I am going to look my best.

I know that's quite the commitment but I can't sit here feeling sorry for myself.

I brush my hair, wetting and gelling it so the wet look stays. My makeup, flawlessly applied. It's a lot but it's natural so it's hard to tell.

Clothes, a simple white dress. Very casual, silk, hugs my shape. Flip flop wedges, people hate them but I love them. They're black with rhinestoned straps. They're really pretty, I swear.

Of course, accessories to top it all off. I wear my silver hoops, with my silver ring and stacked necklace set. Anklet and bracelets too.

I look like I stepped right out of an early two thousands magazine. I love it!

Walking out of the house I feel as confident as ever. Almost invincible, I stop in my tracks realizing I have to ride a bike.

In a dress....

Smart.

I turn around, walking back inside of the house.

I have schoolwork to do anyway.

But you need a job.

Myself reminds me.

"Thank you." I respond in spite, turning around I make my way to my lovely bike.

It's a cruiser so it's not ugly, I love it. In fact, it'll push the aesthetic.

I nod approvingly.

"Ok." I smile.

I begin my journey.

~.~

Ok it started out positive, it really did but an hour passes then two. It's gotten hotter, but in my decision to be presentable all of the time. My makeup is still in tact and I still smell like strawberry pound cake.

My hair is still done too, I was sure to pack a mini version of what I'd need in my purse.

I didn't bring a portable charger though. My phone is destined to die.

I stop, getting off of my bike for a minute. I was tired of pedaling.

I'm not even sure where I am.

I sigh, catching my breath before sitting down on a bench.

Today's been a waste.

I know... I know.

I think to myself, whilst patting myself on the knee.

I know I'm weird for consulting myself in third person but it helps.

Awkwardly enough, I'm sitting in front of a stoplight.

A truck stops at the light right in front of me.

Great, I can't look straight ahead...

Look up-

No-

Look at your lap.

I probably look so psycho right now.

"Are you on something snooper?" A familiar voice sounds.

I cringe knowing there was only one person who gave me that name.

"What?" I pretend not to have heard him, reluctantly looking at him.

"You rode thirty minutes out of town on a bike?" He asks. "Taking extreme efforts to stalk me- it's getting weird."

I scoff.
"I'm looking for a job. A job. Ok?! A job. No one is obsessed with you but yourself I promise."

He winces a bit.
"Not necessarily true but I'll take it cause you're desperate." He concludes. "Get in."

"No." I frown.

I thought I saw him smile just for a split second. I think my eyes are playing tricks on me.

"Get in."

"No, I'm fine. Thank you." I stand up getting back on my bike.

I'm usually faster with getting back on it but not today. I fall on my side.

"This is the slowest light I've ever seen." He reluctantly gets out of the car, helping me up.

"Do not touch me."

"Wasn't planning on it." He just stands there. "Seriously get in, I can help you."

"Why would you want to help me?" I look at him skeptically.

The light turns.

"Ok, I'm leaving."

I put my bike in the bed of the truck before jogging to the passengers side.

"You got all dolled up to find a job? Wait what kind of jobs are you into?" He frowns sarcastically.

"Stop the car." I say, nearly opening my door.

"Ok, ok, I'm only kidding. You are no fun."

"Something simple." I respond.

"You need a job because..." He says.

"Some of us don't have money just handed to us." I show my teeth. "I know that's shocking news, take your time to process. I know it's a sensitive revelation." I add.

"I have some shocking news of my own, everything I have I've worked for. Nothing's ever just been handed to me."

I scoff, "Yeah ok."

"You know for being a snooper, you know nothing. Much better at being a brat." He states.

"Ok where are we even going?" I ask, as the car stops.