This day wasn't shy, this day couldn't wait it came so fast.

Kat's funeral.

They'll be a memorial service for the others lost.

Today I'm detached, I don't mean to be but from getting up this morning to getting ready. It all feels like I've turned on autopilot.

I've done this before, it's never intentional. It could be the mild concussion or my brain just wanting to help.

I'm going through today but it's an outer body experience.

I can guarantee I'm not going to remember any of this.

All of the apologies and hugs, emptiness.

Kat would've probably wanted a dance or something. Anything out there or unconventional she would've loved.

She's not the gloomy type. Mom and Matt knew this, I could tell they were just doing what was expected.

The day continues to fall away from me and I continue to stay to myself. Being there for Matt or Mom when they needed me.

I blink and night appears. Staring at the night sky, I sit in the Mineyard's grocery store parking lot. Strangely enough mom said she needed to go grocery shopping.

We all have our own way of coping- maybe that's where I get the avoiding from.

I haven't spoken to Jacey since that night four days ago. Then again neither has he, it goes both ways.

I made sure to promise myself to stay single. It is the only thing that makes sense for myself. That type of happiness doesn't exist for me.

It's been proven in the multiple long term talking stages I've encountered. I'm not worth it. I know for a fact I can't manage to keep someone's attention.

Especially in this generation, no one can be boring anymore. Everyone's attention span is short and you're constantly working for that not to go anywhere.

Bearing in mind that if it does, you're going to lose that person. Lose to whoever is next after you.

There will always be someone prettier, someone better, someone they will choose over you. You're not everything.

That is the terrible truth, and a hard pill no one can seem to swallow.

Though I'm sure once you gain that knowledge, dating would be easier. Keeping the knowledge nothing is permanent or long term. Just for the free food or for the fun of it.

I don't have the gift of short attention span unfortunately. I'm not cut out for anyone.

Once I like someone, I fixate. I'm completely engulfed in them. Every thought somehow revolving around them.

Infatuated by them. It's so overbearing, so overwhelming I could die. Then that'll dissipate and I begin to fall in love.

It's no longer an unhealthy attachment but a genuinity. Wanting the best for that person. Forever loving that person even if their love isn't always mine.

Being a genuine friend and wanting God to keep them. Wanting them to be healthy and take care of oneself.

Wanting to be their friend if the romance doesn't last. Just to stay dear and close. No toxicity or devious seductive plan in place.

That does not exist, not for me. I don't see it ever existing and I definitely don't want to keep trying and hoping to find it if it does.

Being proven not enough over and over again is ruining. I'd much rather just leave everything alone.

Alone.

That is what I do best. Not that I choose that. It chooses me so I've forced myself to like it.

Alone I love. Loneliness? It stings and it isn't nice about it. It lingers and lingers until you acknowledge it.

Then when you do, it screams. It screams right in your ear causing an agony you've never known. An agony you've never known unless you've met loneliness before.

Mom and Matt finally come out of the store and I help them load the bags.

The excitement is real when receiving and getting groceries. It's the unloading I dread. Putting them away seems to be a drawn out process every time.

~.~

I plop down onto the couch watching another episode of family feud. I'm filled up on fruity pebbles and sour belts.

The doorbell rings.

I'm expecting an AC person, the heater randomly decided to stop working. Among other things that have just stopped.

"Come on in, the problem's this way." I say without even bothering to look up.

"Uh- I- hi Rose." A familiar voice sounds.

I look into the eyes of Jacey.

Sighing I turn to walk away, up to my room.

"You're talking to me now because?"

"If I'm understanding correctly, you haven't spoke to me either." He follows me upstairs.

"Oh I'm sorry, I haven't exactly had time for 'yay days'. I've had things to do." I spoke sarcastically.

"I wanted to give you time. I figured there's too much going on at once." He explains.

"You don't have to explain yourself, we're not exactly friends. I'll live."

He looks taken aback at this.
"We're not? I thought we had a breakthrough." He frowns slowly walking toward me.

"I'm never going to be your friend." I nod looking up at him.

"Why not?" He spoke softly, looking down at me.

"Because..." I clear my throat looking down at my hands suddenly aware of our proximity.

"Talk to me." He lifts my chin to face him.

He looks into my eyes then down at my lips.

"What are you doing?" I whisper not realizing I was staring at his lips.

He inches closer leaving just a little space for me to fill. I can tell he was looking for security, making sure I wanted to.

Just to feel something for a second, even if it isn't real. Just to feel what it is to kiss someone.

I fill the little space left, landing my lips on his. It's soft, just a peck. I pull away, frightened. Pathetic...I know but the feeling shocked me, electric.

We stare at one another for a second. Then I come back for more. I crash my lips against his before he lifts me onto his torso setting my onto the dresser.

A whimper escapes me as I am surprised by this. His tongue grazes my bottom lip asking for permission.

I lightly bite his lip passionately kissing him letting our tongues explore one another. He pulls me closer to him. His hands gently caress my hips.

I can feel his bulge through his jeans. While I'm getting hot and bothered myself. I tense up a little at how this felt. All of it, feels so different but I like it. Something different.

He pulls away, noticing my body language. "Mm- I'm sorry." He creates distance between our bodies, putting his hands on the dresser.

"Why? It's ok." I comfort.

"No." He chuckles slaking his head.

"What?" I laugh a little.

"Nothing."

"Say it." I demand.

"No." He smirks.

"Why?"

"Because, I'm not going to be the ruiner of your innocence." He sits on the bean bag across the room.

"What makes you think I'm innocent?" I ask getting off of the dresser.

"Rose, you don't curse, you don't drink, smoke, and I'm sure I was just your first kiss. Don't be embarrassed by that it's an honor." He smirks.

"What I- could you tell?" I ask sitting on my bed.

"No." He shakes his head. "Not at all, you probably watch a lot of movies, people making out."

"I don't." I laugh throwing a pillow at him.

"Right." He says, grabbing the pillow and coming at me with it.

"No move." I say not putting in much effort to dodge him. I wanted him to get me.

"You're in your outside clothes." I laugh, getting serious as he adjusts on top of me.

"Well would you rather remove them off of me or?" He frowns.

I walked right into that one.

"I'd rather just have you get up entirely."  I say, looking at his lips

"You can't say that and be looking at me like that at the same time. That's like opposite day."

"Do something about it then." I smile.

Just then his phone rings.

"I'll hold you to that." He gets up looking at me while answering his phone.

"Yo."

"Now?"

He sighs, "Alright."