Chapter 40 

Jade was awake before Marcus. It was dark outside and inside the room. She was still lying on his chest listening to the sound of his heart. She tried to imagine this every day waking up beside Marcus, but when she tried all she got was a pounding at the front of her head. She laid there and tried to match her breathing with Marcus but found it impossible to keep up with his low deep breathing.

She felt him stir underneath her a few minutes later and heard him sigh as he wrapped his arms around her tighter. They both lied there, neither of them saying anything as darkness surrounded them.

"How long have you been up?" He asked in a husky voice as sleep was still with him. Jade went back to playing the chest again drawing random circles.

"A few minutes I think. I'm not sure." She felt like that was her answer to a lot of things lately. She used to be very positive about not only about herself, but her place in the world and now she felt that that person was so distant she would never get back to the strong woman she knew she used to be.

Marcus hummed and reached over to grab his phone to see what time it was. The bright screen illumined the room and he had to squint and turn down the brightness until his eyes adjusted. He saw a message from his brother saying he was going to start cooking dinner at 7 pm and it was now 7:30 pm so he knew it would be ready any minute.

"Marco is cooking dinner. Would you like to join us?" Jade stopped drawing circles and took a deep breath.

"I guess so." Marcus hummed and gentle moved Jade out of his arms and sat up. Jade followed as pushed herself up despite the ache in her arms. She looked down at her hands and Marcus couldn't stand the sad expression that was permanently etched into her face.

"You can stay here if you want and I can bring you something?" He offered, but she just shook her head.

"No, it's fine." Marcus knew Jade wheelchair was in the lounge room so he got up stretching his back out before grabbing a shirt that was thrown over his bed.

"I'll go get your chair."

"Wait. Can you carry me, please? I don't want to sit in it." Marcus looked at Jade through the darkness and saw her wringing her hands together like she was nervous he would say no.

"Of course." He watched Jade for a few more moments before he walked over and pick her up. And walked out of his room.

Marco was surprised when he came home to see Jade's wheelchair sitting in the lounge room. He was more surprised at how quiet it was in the house. He went to his brother's room and poked his head in and saw both Jade and Marcus asleep. Not wanting to disturb them he left them alone and started to cook dinner making sure to cook extra for Jade. He texted his brother once dinner was ready and smiled when he saw Marcus come out holding Jade.

"Hey, Jade." He wasn't sure what was going on with her, but the dark circles under her eyes and the lifeless look they held told him that she wasn't doing very well. He knew she was struggling, but they all were.

The tour was tough on everyone. It wasn't as clean cut as they hoped it would be and while everyone was trying to move on and forget about the traumatic events that occurred, it seemed like Jade was still stuck living those last few moments over and over again.

Marco wanted to feel for Jade he really did, but she didn't realise how selfish she was being. Yes, she was struggling to come to terms with what happened, but he almost lost her, his brother almost lost the woman he loved and she was putting him through hell for loving her. Jade wasn't the fiery woman he met all those months ago. It was almost like that woman who was ready to fight and take on the world was gone, and Marco wondered if maybe all that bravery was a facade and this was the real Jade Jennings who had been hiding this whole time.

They all sat down at the dinner table and started to serve themselves dinner. It wasn't anything fancy just salad and a chicken casserole, a recipe that his mother gave Marco a few years ago.

"Marco. I wanted to say I'm sorry." Jade whispered halfway through serving her food. Marco raised his head to look at Jade who was focusing all her attention on the plate in front of her.

"What for?" Marco tried to be understanding, he really did, but she had pushed him too far and he didn't know if they could ever come back from that.

Jade cleared her throat and willed herself to look into Marco's eyes despite the shame she felt at how she treated him when he was only trying to help.

"I sorry for pushing you away, and being a bitch. I haven't been easy an I'm sorry. I hope we can start fresh." Jade could feel Marco judging her and a part of her cared and another part didn't. Jade kept eye contact with Marco despite her wanting to look away. Marcus kicked his brother under the table knowing all this staring was making Jade uncomfortable.

"I guess so." He shrugged not sure where this was going. Jade nodded her head back and started to eat what little she had placed on her plate. She wanted to be hungry, but her body didn't really feel like eating. All she really wanted to do was sleep.

Her medication made her tired all the time, but at least they made her memories foggy, so she didn't have to relive the pain over and over again.

"Thank you for dinner." Jade murmured as she started eating. Dinner was a silent affair. Marcus watched Jade, Jade watched her food and Marco's gaze kept flicking between Jade and his brother. Once dinner was finished Marcus cleaned up which left Marco and Jade at the dinner table.

"Don't break his heart, Jade." Marco finally said after making sure his brother wasn't anywhere near. Jade looked up from the spot she was staring at and looked at Marco.

"I don't want to, but he broke my heart as well. He shattered it when he left without telling me. Do you have any idea how that fucked me up? How unworthy it made me feel. I spent so much time trying to build myself after he left and know he is saying he loves me. Do you know how much that fucks me up in here?" She tapped her head all the while Marcus was listening in the background.

"I know what he did was wrong. Jade trust me I gave him a mouthful when I found out, I'm just saying don't break him, Jade." Marco stood up from the table and left Jade to her thoughts. She watched as Marco walked away and sighed. Jade rubbed her temples as she tried to process her emotions running through her head at the moment like Helen suggested she do, but everything was a jumbled mess and she found it hard to pinpoint what emotion she was feeling.

Marcus stood there leaning against the entryway watching Jade. He watched different emotions pass over her face, but never did one stay. He felt his heart break a little that he did this to her, at the time he thought he was going the right thing but know he can see that he will spend his life making up for the wrong that he did to Jade.

"You alright?" Marcus asked from where he was standing. Jade didn't know how long he had been standing there, but when she looked up at his face she could finally pinpoint her emotion and it was the rage at the fact that he left. He had left her without a single word, but she was angrier that he was saying he loved her despite the fact that he left.

"No, I am not alright. I am angry, I am upset, and I don't understand how to process everything. I feel like my brain has been wired differently and everything feels so heightened and I can't understand much of my life." Marcus pushed himself off the wall and walked over to where Jade was sitting and pulled up a chair and sat on it backwards. He folded his arms on the back of the chair and rested his chin on top of his hands.

"You're allowed to be angry Jade and its okay for you to not be sure how you are feeling. I don't want you to hide how you are feeling. If you hate me than hate me if you upset then be upset." Jade shook her head he wasn't understanding her. It wasn't just anger she had for him it felt like a deep-rooted problem within herself and he wasn't sure this angry and hurt would ever go away. That the seed of doubt would always be there and she would always be worried if he was going to leave her again and she was tired of depending on men.

Her brain may be all sorts of fucked up at the moment, but she was tired of the men in her life being dicks. She was tired of always having to rely on them. It was like a light bulb went off in Jade's head and she realised she had lost her way. She had lost who she was when the men in her life who were meant to care, love and protect her abandoned her. It wasn't just her recent injury that caused her to rely so heavily on others, but looking back now it was way before her last tour that she started to lose who she was as a woman and the strong person she had spent years building herself into. Looking at Marcus now she could see it, she could see the turning point when she started to lose her way when she let the men control so much of her life when she became this weak person she promised she would never be. Even after everything that happened with Garret and she learnt of his betrayal she was strong enough to pick herself up and start over, but now starting over seemed impossible and she could feel the old Jade looking at her with disappointment at the fact she had given up because she had.

She had not only given up on life, but she had given up on herself. Jade knew if she ever wanted to get past this hurt and anger she felt towards Marcus, she needed to work on herself to get her back to the strong woman she used to be, that no matter how many times she was kicked down, she would pick herself back up and keep trying no matter how much the odds were against her. It was then she knew what she had to do.

Marcus watched in silence as he saw the wheels turning inside Jade's head. he could see the moment she came to whatever realisation that was going on inside her head because for the first time in months there was a light in her eyes. Like some part of her was accepting whatever had been troubling her for a while.

"Marcus." She whispered softly as she gazed into his eyes with a determination he hadn't seen in a while.

"I need you to hear me out before you react, please. Can you promise me that?" She held his stare and he nodded his head not trusting his words at the current moment in time. Jade took and deep breath and she began talking.

"I want us to work I really do, but to do that I need space." Marcus was about to interrupt, but Jade placed her hand on his arm giving him a reassuring squeeze before continuing.

"I already know what you are going to say, but for us to work I need to also work on myself first. I can't trust you. You broke that trust I had in you and I need space from you from everything. Knowing you're at work every day while I am stuck in this chair is going to kill me and over time I will resent you for it and I don't want that Marcus. I don't want to hate you for doing something you love." Jade met his gaze and Marcus understood. He probably understood better than anyone because if the roles were reversed he would be feeling the same thing.

"I need to work on myself and get back to where I was. I have lost who I was, and I hate the person I am now. I am angry all the time or sad and I hate how much I have to depend on other people or medication or alcohol to survive. I need to be able to survive on my own, because what happens when you are gone? I hate that it is even a thought, that if you get deployed again that I have to think about how I am going to survive."

"So, I am going to move out." It was than Marcus couldn't keep his thought to himself. He removed his hand from the chair and placed them by his side after aggressively running his hands through his hair.

"You can't move out Jade. How are you going to take care of yourself? How am I going to make sure you are fine? What if something happens and I'm not there." It was at that moment Jade knew that moving away from this apartment block was the right choice.

"You shouldn't have to be there for me Marcus. I should be able to be there for myself. You shouldn't have to be there all the time. This relationship isn't going to work if you are hovering over me every single day as if I am a bomb about to explode. I have thought about this all day since I talked to Helen. I want to be in a healthy happy trusting relationship and me staying won't accomplish that." Marcus ran his hands through his hair again and stood up and starting pacing.

"You can't, just leave." He stopped pacing and looked at Jade who was sitting there watching him with a look of determination that he knew he wasn't to be able to change.

"I need to learn to live by myself and at the moment Marcus you are my enabler. You do everything for me and I hate it. Before you yell at me because I know you want to please sit down and just hear me out." She sighed and bit her lip suddenly feeling very tired. She was tired of everything and being with Marcus was an emotional rollercoaster. She waited until he was sitting back down before she began to talk again.

"I'm not going be moving far, but I'm going to move into a place that is more catered to my needs and easy to access. I am also going to find myself a carer. Not to be around all the time, but just when I need a little extra help, because I do Marcus I need help and I hate the idea so much of someone looking after me, but it's what I need." Marcus sat there shocked. Not only was Jade moving into a new place, but she was going to get a carer. He went to go say something but found there was nothing he could say.

He understood what she wanted to do and understood her reasoning, but the thought of her being away from him terrified him.

"We will still continue to see each other, and you can pick me up to go on dates and stuff, and you can stay the night if you want, but I need a place away from here. I need a fresh start, but I still want you in my life." Marcus nodded his head and get out a long sigh as his shoulders slumped and he dropped his head resting it on the back of the chair.

"When do you move?" The words felt bitter on his tongue as he looked up into Jade eyes and saw just how tired she was.

"I am not sure. I need to start looking, but I think finding a carer first might be a better option because I don't even know what kind of facilities I would need like this." She gestured to herself and the heaviness of the day settled in on her. She just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep and maybe never wake up.

"I can help you look for a new place if you would like." Jade wanted more than anything to say yes, but she needs to do this on her own.

"Thank you, but I want to find a place on my own. You can come to some house inspections if you want." She gave Marcus a sad shy smile and he gave a sad smile in return.

"I would like that. Would you like me to take you back to your place?" Jade thought about it and shook her head.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Marcus nodded and picked Jade up and took her into his room. He gently placed her on the bed before going into the bathroom for a moment alone. Once he was alone he felt the need to hit something but didn't. He wasn't sure how he felt. He knew she needs to find herself again, but he didn't want her to move away. He just totally didn't understand why the need to move. He understood she needed space and didn't trust him. He understood that seeing him work would lead to resentment, but he didn't understand her to need to move her whole life to somewhere else.

He gripped his hair and took some deep breaths. If he was being honest he understood perfectly, but he was worried he was going to lose her. He already nearly lost her once and he didn't want to lose her a second time. What if something happened and he wasn't there? All these what if situations and scenarios played through his head and each ended the same with Jade gone from the world. He knew this was just his fear of losing Jade talking, but she had talked about wanting to die so many times he felt like if he wasn't around she would do just that.

He splashed some water on his face making a mental note to call Helen tomorrow to book an appointment to sort these feelings. He walked back into his room feeling a little calmer and climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around Jade and pulled her, so her body was flushed up against his

"I don't want you to leave." He whispered in the dark. There was something about confessing your secrets in the dark that made it easier.

"I know. I don't want to leave either, but I have too." She mumbled into his chest. She let out a deep breath and it wants long until her breathing steadied out and she fell asleep. Marcus listened to her sleep for a few minutes before the events of the day finally caught up with him and he followed Jade into a restless and nightmare-filled dream.

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. First off sorry I haven't been around with an update things have been slightly crazy and I haven't had time write and I also was at a slight roadblock on how to get Jade from where she is to where I want her to be.

Secondly, I can't believe we are at 40 chapters. Not sure how many there will be, but I am excited. 

Thirdly I hope this chapter doesn't feel too disconnected from the last. It is a 360 from what Jade was feeling in the chapter before, but as you have seen Jade's emotional and mental state are all over the shop so I  hope this fits in. I want Jade to get better for herself and no man because I have always tried to make her strong because let's be honest all the men in her like are dicks. 

Anyway, summer school goes back soon so I hope to get at least 2 more chapters out. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter and may 2019 be great for everyone.