Chapter 36

The only advice Helen had given was to take her back to the hospital for the therapy she was meant to be getting. Because of the lack of oxygen to the brain when her heart stopped for 2 minutes and the bleeding on the brain, they were warned about the side effects of aggression and depression. Jade started a bit of therapy while she was in there, but she had refused, much like she was doing now.

"Jade, you have to go back. You were meant to see the doctor a month ago." Jade just sat in her chair with her arms crossed. Marcus wanted to be angry that she was throwing her life away, but he couldn't because at least Jade was talking even if it was very little and at least she was out of bed now.

"I know, but why go when I already know what they will say." Jade sighed and closed her eyes. All of this was too much. She knew she should have stayed in bed, but she thought she would get up. Everything was draining for her. She craved sleep because it was the only time she felt she was at peace with herself.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Marcus crouching down in front of her. He reached out and grabbed her ruined hands and gave them a gentle squeeze before bringing them up to his lips and gently kissing them. She sighed at the feeling of his soft lips on her hands and wished everything about her life was as gentle as that small kiss.

"I know, but if you want to get better, the first step is going back to the hospital and starting occupational therapy. That with the combination of the right medication we can get you back on track, but you need to try Jade." She slumped down in her chair. She was trying, she was trying so hard.

Marcus didn't have any idea how hard it was for her to wake up every morning. How hard it is to be awake. How hard it was to not drown herself in alcohol to take away the pain and forget. He didn't understand how hard it was to dream every night and wake up terrified and not understand why you were so scared.

"Only once." She murmured softly hoping if she went once then he would get off her back. She watched a Marcus smiled softly at her and it broke her a little inside to see that something so small could make him so happy. 

He deserved better than her.

***

A week later Jade found herself back at the place she hated most. The smell of anaesthetic lingered in the air, that and the smell of pain and suffering. She was focusing on trying to control her breathing, so she didn't go into a full-blown panic attack she knew was brewing under the surface.

"You are going great Jade," Marcus said squeezing her leg even though she didn't feel it. She smiled at him tightly and she took another deep breath letting the air release slowly. Time was ticking by slowly and Jade prayed every second the minute hand ticked over that they would cancel her appointment.

"Jade Jennings." She looked up to see the young doctor with a clipboard smile at her as she was the only one in the room. Before Jade could wheel herself out of there Marcus stood up and started pushing Jade towards the doctor. They followed behind where he took them into a small room before closing the door.

The moment the door closed she felt like the room was closing in on her. She could see the doctor talking, but she felt like she was underwater again. She felt like a stranger in her own body as an imaginary pain began to take over her body. Her back felt like it was fire and she had phantom pain in her legs. The doctor was looking at her waiting for an answer she thought, but she wouldn't even hear a word that was being said as the rumbling sound of waves filled her ears. She knew coming here was a bad idea, and she wished she could just wheel herself away.

"Jade. Do you understand why therapy is important?" The doctor asked for the second time and Jade just shrugged her shoulders pretending she was listening. 

"What's the point when the chance of me walking again is like getting hit by lightning." The doctor took his glasses, pulled his chair forward, so he was closer to Jade making her feel uncomfortable.

"There is another reason for therapy Jade. I assumed a smart woman like you who has served time in the army would understand how important therapy is. Not only will it help with your fine motor skills that you are having problems with, but it will also stop muscle atrophy in your legs. Therapy will also help you learn how to live a new life." Jade just rolled her eyes at the doctor. She wasn't stupid, she just didn't see the point.

"How about this Jade? You start with once a week. You are meant to be going 5 days but start at 1. Every time you go you reward yourself with a star. Get 5 stars you get to cash them in, however, the more stars you collect the bigger the reward." Jade thought about this, she could get her hands on alcohol if she accumulated enough stars, but that meant going to therapy.

"I can get anything?" She questioned, and the doctor nodded his head.

"Anything, but you must go and participate." Jade nodded her head. If it meant she could get her hands on more alcohol than she would do anything even sell her own kidneys.

"Right. Now that is sorted. Your first session is back here tomorrow at 10 am. Now we need to book you in for another CT scan. I'll see if there is anything available today if not next week is the earliest. Your skin grafts have healed well, and your recovery is going well. We can start  to reduce the amount of oxycodone you are on, but we will have to do it slowly so you don't have withdrawals.  Let me see when the next available scan is." Jade and Marcus watched as the doctor typed into his computer and Marcus smiled at Jade when she glanced over at him.

She had a frown on her face and he wondered what she was thinking about. It was good Jade agreed to go therapy, but he knew what she would request so he would have to ask the doctor about that when she went in for her CT scan.

"Jade have you given any thought to having a carer?" The doctor asked, and Jade stiffened up in her chair.

"No, I don't want one." Marcus sighed. Jade needed a carer, he would start work in the next couple of weeks and he wouldn't be around all day to help Jade. He got the call two days ago about the day he and his brother were to start work back at base.

Though they were not going on a tour soon, they still had to work. He hadn't told Jade yet, not because he was hiding it from her, but because he was trying to find the right time.

"Well, I'll give you the number again if you change your mind. There is also a CT scan available in about an hour. You are lucky, so you get the scan and come back, and we can see what they say after therapy tomorrow." They bid the doctor farewell and were given the referral for the CT scan on a different level of the hospital. Marcus pushed Jade towards the lift where they waited for it to arrive.

"Jade I think you should give the carer a go," Marcus breathed as Jade crossed her arms over her chest.

"No. I don't need one." Marcus sighed as the elevator doors opened and he pushed Jade inside.

"Jade I care for you now, what's the difference if it is a different person in your own home." He questioned and if looks could kill, he would be six feet under.

"I said I don't need one." She gritted through her teeth as the door of the elevators opened. Jade didn't wait or care how much it would hurt, but she gripped the sides of her wheelchair and with one mighty stroke pushed herself forward and away from Marcus.

Marcus watched as Jade slowly pushed herself to the desk, and all but slammed the piece of paper on the desk. He gave the poor nurse behind the desk an apologetic smile as she looked over the paper and gestured them towards the waiting bay. Again, Jade didn't wait as she pushed herself slowly. And crossed her arms and put her breaks on when she found a spot away from the few people that were in the waiting room.

"Jade, I go back to work next week, and I won't be there to look after you. I think you should really consider the carer." Marcus finally said, and he saw steam coming out of Jade ears when she turned towards him.

"When were you going to tell me, huh? Or were you never going to say anything, or do I have to find out from your mother again that you have gone away? Or were you going to tell me after you fucked me again?" Jade kept her voice low, but the venom was there and if it wasn't for the other people around her, she would have yelled and screamed at Marcus.

"I wouldn't do that Jade. I was trying to find the right time." Jade let out a low laugh.

"You did it once before. My brain may be all sorts of fucked up, but if I remember correctly, you fucked me and left on the tour without saying a peep, so yes, I wouldn't put it past you to do it again." Jade said nothing else and turned away from Marcus and crossed her arms over her chest trying to remember to breathe and not yell and the stupid man sitting next to her.

"Jade. I have apologised, and I will keep doing so, I fucked up, how many times do you need to tell me I fucked up? I don't mention all the times you fucked up." Jade said nothing and looked at the white wall before her. Marcus threw his hands up in the air and stood up.

"I'm getting coffee, in case you thought I was leaving again without telling you." Again, Jade said nothing, and Marcus knew he was getting the silent treatment from Jade. When Marcus came back with a coffee for himself Jade still wasn't talking to him so they both sat in silence and waited.

"Jade Jennings." Her name was called nearly 80 minutes later and Marcus stood up to push Jade.

"Don't even think about it." She hissed and pushed herself towards the doctor who helped Jade when she started to struggle. Marcus stood there and watched Jade disappear and sat back down rubbing his hands over his face. God, she was a pain to deal with, but at least she wasn't shit-faced or sad.

"Small steps." He whispered to himself and pulled out his phone and read a book while he waited. The scan didn't take long and when Jade emerged 25 minutes later, he stood up and went to help push.

"I can do it myself." She said when he got close and started to push herself away. Jade pushed herself all the way to the car despite her arms aching in pain. She needed to show that she didn't need a carer and she most defiantly didn't need the pig-headed man following behind her.

The trip back to their place was silent despite Marcus trying to get Jade to talk about it.

"You can't keep ignoring me, Jade. We have to talk about this." He said as he followed her to the lift.

"Watch me." She said as she wheeled herself inside and pressed the button to go up and waited for the lift doors to close. When they reached their floor, Jade wheeled herself to her door and grabbed her key and opened.

"Jade where are you going?" He asked as she opened her door.

"My place and don't even think about following." She wheeled herself in and slammed the door behind her. She would show them she didn't need help. With that determination, she wheeled herself painfully over to the fridge and realised there was no food.

She needed to go shopping, but her arms hurt too much. It was like fire spreading through her shoulders and down her arms. So, she went into the lounge room opened up her computer and ordered food online from Woolworths to be delivered. Once the food was ordered she knew she needed to get her meds from next door. She hated taking them, but if it proved she didn't need help, then she would swallow those pills and go therapy just to get her hands on her much-needed alcohol.

Marcus and Marco both heard the knock on their front door and both wondered who it was. So, it surprised them when they opened, and Jade was waiting.

"Marco, I need my medication." She said as she wheeled herself in ignoring Marcus.

"Sure Jade." Marco went into the kitchen and grabbed a small bag and placed them all inside.

"You even going to acknowledge I am here," Marcus asked, and Jade said nothing as Marco came over with her stuff.

"Thanks, see you around Marco." They both watched as Jade wheeled herself out.

"Man, she is angry at you." His brother said, and Marcus just grunted.

"Whatever at least she is doing stuff instead of sleeping or shouting." His brother agreed, and he knew Jade would need their help again, it was just a matter of waiting for her to realise.

When Jade wheeled herself back to her place, she put her meds on the counter and looked around wondering what to do.

Everything in her house suddenly seemed so foreign to her. It was like a switch went off in her brain and nothing around her made sense. She felt like she didn't know what to do with anything inside her house. It felt like she was living a different life a life that she didn't recognise. It was late in the afternoon and too early for bed despite for body begging for the comforts of sleep.

So, she grabbed a book that was sitting on her couch and started to read. However, reading didn't last long. She was a sentence in when a loud noise sounded in the hallway and it transported Jade to another time and place

"Jade, no." Someone screamed, and she bolted for the clearing gun raised firing at no one direction. She felt something warm running down her back, but with the adrenaline coursing through her body she felt nothing aside from a slight pinch.

So, pulled the pin of the grenade and threw it in the enemy's direction. She could still hear someone shouting her name telling her to run for cover, but she didn't have time as the grenade exploded. She didn't waste a second knowing she had to make it count so everyone could get to safety. So, she threw another grenade, and another not caring how close she was.

She felt the ground rattle beneath her as she finally fell to the floor. No, not fell tackled. Someone covered her and the whole earth shook around them.

"Cover, Cover." Someone yelled and soon the person on top was being rolled off her.

"Taylor, Taylor." Someone shouted, and Jade looked next to her to see half a man.

"No." She yelled as someone started to drag her away. She felt something rising in her chest and it was only then that she screamed. Her body was on fire and her chest burned. She glanced down and all she could see was blood that was pouring out of her body. Everything from waist down felt numb as she started to cough up blood and vomit.

"Stay with us, Jennings." Someone was shouting as they dragged her body through the dirt and the pile of bodies that seemed to surround them. She could hear gunfire and bombs exploding all around her and she started to fade in and out of consciousness.

"Jennings we are nearly there. Stay with us." She tried to open her eyes again, but it was hard. So, she closed them knowing this was her end. At least they would have a body to burry was her last thought before the darkness claimed her. 

***

When she woke again, she was screaming and people were holding her down.

"Keep her still." Someone shouted over the roar of the helicopter. She looked to the side to see a white sheet covering a body. She tried to reach out, but pain radiated through her arm. She looked up to the ceiling and saw multiple people hovering over her. She tried to take the oxygen mask off her face as she started to cough up blood again.

"Fuck. We are losing her." Someone else shouted as her eyes closed again and she prayed she never woke up.

****

Jade felt paralysed as she sat in her chair facing the wall. She couldn't move, and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt like a heavyweight crashed onto her chest. She looked down at her hands and could feel the sticky blood. A combination of hers and Taylor when that explosion went off right in front of them. She should have died. That explosion should have killed her. Instead, Taylor pushed her to the ground and covered her own body with his to protect her from the blast.

He saved her. It should have been her, it was meant to be her. He was so young, had his whole life ahead of him.

"No." She screamed and grabbed her hair panting as she tried to make sense of everything. She knew Taylor had died, it made little sense to her why he would sacrifice his own life for her. Yes, she was doing the same, but for everyone, just not one life.

"I don't understand." She started to pull her hair out as the grief and guilt started to eat away at her. She started to cry, and she didn't care. This pain inside of her was eating away at her. She pushed herself over to where she placed her meds and searched for the sleeping pills she knew were there. She needed them. She needed to forget.

When she found the right bottle and opened the lid and took two dry as she continued to cry. She didn't know how she did it, but she got herself onto her bed. She should have been proud, but this grief was all too consuming. She curled up in her bed and cried until the medication started to take effect and she fell into a deep and dark sleep of nothing.