Chapter 31

She was drowning, and no one could see it. She was drowning in her own pain, misery, and alcohol. She made sure she paced herself, but at the end of every day, she made sure she drank enough to pass out, so she wouldn't have to dream or think about the nightmares that haunted her. No one had visited her in over a week, and Jade was glad. It allowed her time to drink and contemplate what a shit show her life was. 

She took another swing of the whiskey in her hand and tilted her head up towards the ceiling. She hadn't showered in 6 days and she knew she smelt of piss, alcohol, and misery, but she didn't care. She tried going to the bathroom herself, but when she failed to get out of her chair, she was so drunk she just pissed herself instead.

She liked the quiet; it was soothing and the buzz from the alcohol kept her thoughts and nightmares at bay when she passed out. She ordered more alcohol the other day and even got it delivered so she didn't have to leave. However, almost a week later she nearly finished her last purchase and had to order more, but even that was too much effort. 

She couldn't remember the last time she ate, but again she didn't care. She finished her bottle and remembered why she was alone and she cracked open a fresh bottle as memories of a week ago came rushing to the surface.

It had started off the same as any other day. Jade yelling at Marcus because he was trying to force her out of the house to her appointments that she kept missing.

****

"What's the fucking point. Huh. Why bother when I can never walk again." Marcus rubbed his face frustrated that Jade didn't want to help herself get better.

"The point is, so one day you will be able to function. You can hardly wipe your own ass at the moment. You need to learn these basic functions again." Jade just gave a bitter laugh and waved her arms around her room.

"Again Marcus, what is the fucking point. I want to die. Why can't you accept that fact that I want to die? I don't want to get better. I want it to end. I can barely sleep without having flashes and dreams of blinding hot pain. When I wake up everything hurts, every fucking day I wish to never wake up. My body is broken, my mind is like a slushie, so why bother." Jade slumped in her chair, suddenly so, so tired. Not just with human interaction, but with life.

"Why do you care so much?" She said so softly as she looked into her lap. Marcus squatted down to Jade's height and took her hand into his.

"I care because I love you." Jade felt herself stop breathing as she looked up into his tired and worn face. She saw the emotion in his eyes, showing his genuine feeling to her. She went to open her mouth and say anything, but she couldn't form the right words she wanted.

"You don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I care so much because I love you and I don't want you to die okay, I want you to fight." Jade snatched her hands back and really looked at him.

"You love me?" She questioned, and Marcus went to tell her again until he saw her entire demeanour change. She sat up in her chair and it was almost like he could see the steam coming out from her ears.

"How dare you? You fucking selfish bastard." If Jade could stand up, she would have and show just how angry she was.

"How dare I? Sorry, Jade would you like me to just switch off the way I feel?" Marcus rose to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest. Trying to hide his hurt.

"I don't want you to fucking love me. I hate you, I fucking hate you so much. I wish I never met you. Go shove your love elsewhere because I don't want it." Jade clenched out each word. If Marcus loved her, that meant someone who cared, and she didn't want anyone to care. She didn't deserve to be cared for, because if someone cared then she would have to get better because it was what he expected. Jade didn't want to get better, she wanted to die.

"You know what Jade. Go fuck yourself. I fucked up, but there is no need to throw my feelings back in my face." Jade starred him down when she uttered the words that shattered the very last person who cared for her, but it was for the best. Hurting him now was better than hurting him when she died. 

"I don't love you I never did. You were a good fuck, that's it. I never want to be with you, ever. You were a good rebound, nothing more. So, go, leave, because we are done. I just used you because I needed a good fuck and you did the job just fine." Marcus looked down at Jade and threw his hands up in the air.

"You never cared, fine. I guess you were a good fuck while it lasted. Suppose I was the only person who wanted to be your sloppy seconds.  So, you can go fuck yourself, Jade, don't expect to see me around anymore." Marcus walked towards the door, angry at Jade and angry at everything. He gave one last look back to the destructive woman he loved and slammed the door as he walked away like everyone else.

Jade remembered crying for some time once Marcus finally left. She felt a part of her heart walk out with him, but it was for the best. She didn't want his love, she just wanted to die. She cried until the burning sensation of the dark liquor slid down her throat and her body became numb and she drank until she passed out that night.

***

Yellow beams of sunlight peeked through the curtains, and Jade hissed, trying to cover her eyes. Everything hurt. She draped her arm over her eyes while her other hand search for a bottle for her morning breakfast. She found a bottle and lifted it to her lips to find it empty. She threw it across the room and heard the shatter of glass she didn't have to worry about stepping on.

She sat herself up and smacked her dry lips together. The lingering taste of bad breath, whiskey and vomit graced her mouth as she grabbed the closest bottle which also was empty.

"Fuck!" She groaned, rubbing her hands over her face. She looked down and her strained shirt and dragged her sorry ass over towards the kitchen. Knowing most things were on the top shelf of her fridge, she grabbed the box of strawberries that were on one of the lower shelves.  Once she pulled them down into her lap, she opened the half-empty bottle of wine she also found and sat on her kitchen floor eating strawberries and wine.

Once the wine and strawberries were gone Jade dragged herself back over to her lounge room and lied on her pillow ready to go back to sleep. She couldn't remember falling asleep last night. She couldn't remember anything, and she was glad. The more she could forget, the less everything would hurt.

She found a half-empty bottle on the way and once she was by her makeshift bed she quickly finished the remaining bottles until there were none left. She knew she would have to order more, but for now, she would close her eyes and take the much-needed nap her body was begging for.

***

Marcus had just woken up and wasn't surprised by the foul taste of beer that lingered in his mouth. Rolling out of bed, he went for a quick shower and brushed the horrid taste out of his mouth.

When he walked into the kitchen he wasn't surprised to see his brother cooking by the stove.

"Another rough night?" Marco handed his brother a bottle of water, which he guzzled down. Marcus said nothing as he sat down and waited for the food to be finished.

"She is a fucking bitch," Marcus grumbled, and his brother pretended he didn't hear.

"It's been a whole fucking week and what she said is still stuck in my head." He knew he shouldn't be angry, but he was. He was so fucking angry at Jade and her dismissal of him, but he still fucking loved her despite all the shit she was putting everyone through.

"Look give her space. You charging over there will do nothing, but piss her off. She won't get help until she realises she needs it." His brother made sense, but he still couldn't forget the desperation in her voice when she talked about wanting to die. He was worried she would never ask for help and he would find her dead on her bathroom floor one day. 

He knew he couldn't ask her to get better for him, but by god he did. It made him selfish, but he wanted to be the reason Jade wanted to get better. At the future, they could have together, but at the moment Jade was drowning so deep that she couldn't see a future.

Marcus was on a mission today after breakfast. He was to go see Helen, then find out ways to help Jade when she finally asked for it. Every day he would stand in front of her door wanting to go in, but he never did.

At first, he drank himself into a stupor, hurt and angry at her lack of regard for how he felt, however afterwards when his stomach wasn't filled with half a dozen beers he put himself in Jade's shoes.

He imagined what it would be like and though he was still so fucking angry; he understood a little better. He also knew informing her about Taylor was an amateurish mistake.

"You look angry." Marco put a plate of food in front of him and joined him at the table.

"It's nothing." Marco raised an eyebrow at him and he waved a hand, not wanting to talk about it. Both the brother finished their breakfast in silence before they each went about their own separate ways for the day.

Marcus's first stop was Helen and though it was a brief visit, he got all the information he needed and left.

After his quick visit with Helen, he walked the short distance to the local community centre. He smiled at the passing people and signed himself in and walking into the back room that was filling up with people. Marcus hung towards the back of the room and watched other people interact with each other.

"So, what part are you missing?" Marcus looked next to him to see an adolescent girl no older than 15 standing next to him. Her dark hair shimmered against her tanned skin that had been browned from spending time in the sun. He also noticed her missing arm, but he didn't linger on it.

"I have all my parts. I'm here for a friend." The girl hummed to herself and Marcus could feel her dark blue eyes taking in his height and layers of muscle. His tight black shirt and jeans probably weren't helping him stay under the radar.

"They all say that first. I mean come on you have a whole part missing how can you deny that it's not there." She waved her stump around and Marcus just raised an eyebrow at her.

"Trust me, I have all arms and legs. My girlfriend recently just lost her legs. She still has them, but she can never walk again." The young girl whistled through her teeth and rubbed her leg.

"Dang that's rough I would rather lose it than have it there and do nothing. Savannah." She held out her good hand and Marcus smiled and shook her hand.

"Marcus." He had to look down at the youthful woman because she was so short compared to him.

"If you don't mind me asking what happened?" He crossed his arms over his chest and Savannah couldn't help but think what a lucky woman his girlfriend was because he was one hunky piece of man she wouldn't mind climbing onto.

"Well, it involved a guy with an axe and a hockey mask." Marcus raised his eyebrow again, knowing full well that the girl wasn't attacked by a Jason copycat.

"Really." Savannah gave him a megawatt smile and flicked her hair over her shoulders.

"It was worth a try. Most guys my age fall for it every time. I got into a one-sided fight with a shark. He went for my leg first, before taking my arm clean off. Was surfing with my Dad and brother right next to me. Wrong place, wrong time, I guess. I'm lucky I didn't die or lose my leg. Got a wicked scar, though." Marcus watched as she lifted her pants to show a gruesome scar and a good part of her leg missing. She gave Marcus a wicked grin before rolling her pants back down.

"Most people don't enjoy looking at it, so I keep it covered. My arm not so lucky on that front. Though I am grateful to even be here. Doctors said it was a miracle I survived." Marcus nodded his head.

They said Jade was very lucky to survive. Her heart stopped twice and each time it became harder to bring to her.

"Same with my girlfriend." Neither of them said anything else and when it was time, they both sat together in a circle of chairs and he listened to other people's story of success and recovery of having to live day-to-day life with missing limbs or limbs that no longer worked.

"So, as I am sure many of you have noticed our new guy in the group. Yes, he is a normie, he is here because his girlfriend recently became a paraplegic and he wanted to meet other's, so he can help her. So introduce yourself." Marcus cringed at the word paraplegic because there was even a small part of him that hoped Jade could one day walk again.

"Hi, my name is Marcus I'm 32, I work in the Army and recently got back from tour not too long ago. I'm here for my girlfriend so I can understand better what she is going through and hopefully one day I can bring her here." Marcus nodded at everyone, and soon the attention was shifted to Savannah who was talking about her fears.

"One thing I hate is this irrational fear I have. I can't even get into a bloody bathtub without thinking there is a shark with me. How silly is that? As if a shark can fit into a tiny bathtub." She shrugged her shoulders and placed her arm in her lap.

"It not silly. Your fear is something that doesn't always make sense, and that is okay. It's okay to not be fine because going through something traumatic takes time to heal." Lukas said. They all finished up not long afterwards and soon he was helping pack up.

"So, will I see you next week?" Savannah asked as Marcus walked her out.

"Yes, hopefully, I can convince Jade to come." Savannah saw the sad look that marked his beautiful face. Her stupid 15-year-old heart fluttered a little, but she knew it was just a stupid crush on a very sexy man.

"For what it's worth. Give her time. She will come around. I know I did. It took a while, but we all get there, eventually." Marcus just smiled at her, not wanting to share just how broken Jade was.

"Well, I will see you next week Savannah and give those boys at your school hell for me." He watched as she jumped into her dad's car with a wicked grin on her face before he disappeared into the busy afternoon traffic.

When Marcus got back to his place. He knew one day he would get Jade to that support group, but until she was ready, he would wait and hope the next time he saw her she was still breathing.