Chapter 30 

When Jade woke the following morning, she wanted to close her eyes and go back to sleep. The pounding against her head, dry mouth and no recollection of how Marco ended up sleeping next to her was enough to tell her she didn't want to deal with the day. She closed her eyes for a few minutes when she felt the bed dip and the sounds of Marco moving around her room.

"You going to get up or keep pretending you're asleep." Jade opened her eyes at the harsh tone of his voice and grimaced when she saw the look on his face.

Hard lines etched his face and disapproving eyes met her. They seemed to look into her empty soul, trying to find a glimmer of who she used to be.

"If you are going to lecture me, get out. I don't want to listen." With a great effort, she pushed herself into a sitting up position, so she wasn't lying down and looking up into his hard face.

"Do you have any idea how stupid your actions were yesterday. Drinking is bad enough, but with your medication-" Marco shook his head. "-You could have killed yourself, Jade." Marco expected to see regret in her eyes, but all he saw was an empty soul with nothing left to lose.

"Be better than this." She shrugged her shoulders, and Marco cursed his brother to the high heaven for telling her about Taylor.

"If my brother came over instead, Jade. You think is easy on him? Do you think this is easy on any of us, Jade? We saw you die right before our eyes. I saw your chest stop moving, we saw the amount of blood that exited your body. You don't think that leaves a scar on a person, Jade? I have seen Marcus wake up in cold sweats. We both still dream about watching you die, Jade. We both love you, but you are acting like a child, everyone is trying to help you, and you keep pushing us away-"

"-Soon, Jade, you will push everyone too far, then who will you have?" Jade said nothing as the pounding in her head grew. Not from the alcohol, but the deep emotions she has been trying to bury since the day she woke up. 

"Maybe I don't want any of you around, because there is this never-ending pit inside of me. This darkness I wake up to every single day and one day I will explode. It going to be brutal and unforgiving and the fewer people around to witness the better." She closed her eyes and tipped her head back.

She didn't see herself having a future. Her future was a dark place, there was no light, no hope. Just never-ending darkness that was slowly growing inside of her. She didn't see the point in trying to get better because this was it for her. Her lifeline was ending and the moment her mind and body remembered would be the day the darkness consumes her.

So why bother.

She opened her eyes and saw Marco's eyes glisten with unshed tears. His face was one of a broken man and he just shook his head and walked over and put her into her chair without even asking her.

"I want to help Jade I do, but I can't stay around and watch you do this to yourself. I love you like a sister, I have already seen you die once and I can't do it again. We are just trying to help, so remember that when you yell at Marcus next time."  With that Marco left with a sad look on his face because he didn't want to leave Jade, but he didn't want to stay around and watch her explode because it would break him. Watching Jade die before his eyes left a deep-rooted scar inside of him. She was like a sister to him and seeing her like this broke him and he knew he couldn't stay around and watch her self implode. 

When she heard the front door close, she let herself cry. It hurt. God, it hurt so bad. The pain inside of her was worse than the physical pain her body endured every day. She felt her heartbreak, but she knew it was for the best. She knew that when her darkness finally took over there was one less person she had to worry about when she left this world, because if everyone hated her then they wouldn't feel so sad she left this world. 

Marco left and felt his unshed tears fall down his face. Fuck, it was worse than what he thought. He didn't want to walk away. He didn't want to leave Jade to fight this alone, but there was only so much someone could do for a broken person and today he finally saw just how broken Jade was.

She knew she wasn't meant to survive and instead of seeing that as a blessing, she saw it as a curse. A curse that was eating her up inside. He knew, he knew those first weeks back at home they should have gotten her into a routine to help her settle. However, they didn't.

They let her heal and thought she would be ready in her own time. He knew a routine of therapy, both physical and mental would have helped, instead they all held off until they thought she was strong enough. Now she was so broken she was just biding her time until the day her heart just stopped altogether.

Marco didn't know what to do. He should call her doctor, her therapist. They warned them all about the dangers of not having a routine, but they all insisted that she was a strong woman who would get through it. What he didn't realise was that they left behind the Jade they knew in that godforsaken country. Something had broken her, and he did not understand how to fix it.

****

Paul had just finished when he went see if his sister wanted to come over for dinner. He didn't want to be a coward, but that's what Paul was, a coward. He ran from his sister the same way he did all those years ago. It had been almost 2 weeks since he had seen his sister. He used work as an excuse, but really, he just didn't know how to deal with her, so he avoided her like a coward.

When he arrived at her place, he braced himself for the worst. He opened the door expecting to see one of the brothers instead found his sister staring blankly at the wall again.

"Hey, Jade." He put his hands in his pockets and wasn't surprised when Jade didn't turn to acknowledge him.

"So, you finally decided I was worth your time." Paul sucked in his breath and held it as Jade slowly turned towards him with that dead look in her eyes.

Paul said nothing as there was nothing to say. He knew he fucked up. There Dad had a reason for not coming, he did not.

"I didn't know if I should have come." He kept staring at the shell his sister had become. She was so full of life before she left and now she was just a husk of her former self.

"So, once again I became too much of a burden for you and you take off and only come back with it suits you. Well done, Paul, you are still the same coward as you were before. Guess some things never change." Paul cringed but knew she was right.

He knew he was a coward, but he would never admit it out loud. He was too proud and stubborn to admit that once again he had fucked up.

"Why are you here?" Jade asked, still staring her brother down. She thought he had changed. But I guess cowards will forever remain cowards.

"I wanted to see if you wanted to join us for dinner. Emily has been asking for you." Jade's face softened a little. Her heart had a soft spot for Emily, a girl with a wild spirit unburdened by life's challenges. Emily was the only person she would never yell at, for the small child knew just the right places to tug in her darkness to make it seem worth living.

"I'm fine. I wouldn't want to be a burden for you to deal with." Her brother went to talk however, Jade interrupted him.

"Just leave, Paul. It's what you do best." She said defeated and Paul the coward did as she said and left. Not understanding that maybe Jade needed him to stay to prove that there was something worth living for. To prove that her family would stand by her no matter how dark things got. But he left because Paul was a coward and leaving was easier than staying to fight.

***

It was late afternoon and Marcus walked through the city streets on his way to get food for Jade again. He noticed she had run out of food, but really, he wanted a reason to see her without causing a fight, which happened every time he was round. However, he found himself outside the restaurant where his mum worked.

Walking in, he was greeted straight away and led to a table to wait for his mum to come out. He smiled when his mother came and sat down with him. She began fussing over his tired appearance before asking about Jade.

"Be honest with me Marcus, how is she?" Anne knew things were bad with Jade, but she didn't realise how bad until her poor beautiful boy explained.

"She wants to die, Ma. She told me she would rather die than live, and I honestly don't know what to do. I love her, and I don't want to lose her, but she is so broken I'm worried she can never get better." Anne nodded her head and felt a deep sorrow in her heart for the poor young woman who had sacrificed so much and got so little in return.

"If she doesn't want to live, you need to give her a reason to live. Getting her out of that house for starters and getting her into a routine that doesn't leave her sitting around all day. Fill her day with so much joy and love. I can't say it will be easy, but nothing worth fighting for in life is easy, Marcus." Marcus hummed.

He knew this, but Jade was so unpredictable it was hard to gauge her mood and how she would be like if he took her out for even 10 minutes.

"Have you told her you love her?" His mother asked, and all Marcus did was shrug his shoulder. He wanted to tell her, but it worried him the moment he did, she would slip away, and he would have to burry another person he loved who couldn't fight the darkness inside.

"I would start by telling her how you feel then go from there. You only get one chance at life Marcus you gotta live it like today will be your last. I would give anything for one more day with your father." Marcus watched his mum get a faraway look in her eyes. It was the look she got whenever she thought of their father, who also gave so much so they could survive.

Marcus spent the next half an hour talking with his mum before he left to do Jade's shopping for her. When he returned to her apartment, he was ready to tell her how he felt, but she was asleep.

He quietly put her new food away and threw out the food that started to grow furry, green friends that looked like they would run off with the food. He walked over to Jade and was tempted to wake her. Instead, he gently picked her up and put her to bed despite it only being 4 in the afternoon and let her sleep.

***

She was frozen. Stark terror slide through her veins, turning her blood to ice. Darkness was all around her. She could hear shouting, she could smell burned flesh, but it was dark. The darkness was hot, so hot she thought her skin would melt off. The smell lingered in her nose and burned away the hair. It smelt rich of iron and rotting flesh, she could taste the tangy smell at the back of her throat.

She tried to talk, but only a gargle sound was made before blinding, hot pain tore through every inch her body. She felt the darkness disintegrate and a blinding white light shone through the darkness.

However, as the light spread wider and wider she wished for the darkness again, because with the light came pain, and pain meant she had somehow survived. Her body bucked off the floor and she couldn't tell if the ground was shaking or that was her.

All she could hear was muffled shouting as if she was underwater, the light was soon again surrounded by darkness and she accepted it with open arms before a blinding pain tore through her body again keeping her in the land of the living.

A face appeared before and she thought it was death waiting to take her away. But before the face became clear her world turned black and Jade knew she wasn't coming back, for she felt when she took her last breath, when her heart had stopped beating and for a split second there was peace. A peace that so calm and welcoming she was ready to float away into the light, ready to accept her new fate amongst the dead.

Though as she floated she stopped and felt a tug back towards her dead body. She screamed as she was pulled further away from the light and back to the world of pain. She screamed as her calm peace became blinding, hot pain, and she screamed when she felt that faint beat inside her chest. Her world exploded, and Jade knew she would do anything to get that calm peace back.