My body felt heavier than usual and I was wearing down quickly. I had a fast metabolism and burned through my highs quicker than most other people—the adrenaline nosedive after fighting only added to my downward spiral.

Add in the sobering realization of how complicated my life had become in only a few short hours, and I lost all hope of holding myself together. 

I dropped down on the couch like my body was composed of lead. I didn't feel like I could even stand up on my own anymore. There wasn't any anger driving me anymore, only the uncertainty over the unknown of what was about to happen. 

I sat on the couch with an impatient twitchiness and waited for Riley to speak first. She never did. The blond just stood in front of me awkwardly with her arms hugging her body. I had never been through anything like this before and had no idea what the next step was or how to even begin to come to terms with it.

One of us had to say something before the silence caused another explosion.

"You're really pregnant?" I asked, still in disbelief.

I was hoping Riley would tell me she wasn't and it was a false alarm. It would be cruel if my head had made this whole thing up, but I had been through some bad trips before and could come up with all sorts of things without any help.

Riley pulled her mouth tight and gave me an almost imperceptible nod.

I didn't make it up or read the test wrong.

The whole situation fucking sucked. 

Riley walked over and sat down slowly on the other side of the couch.  She scooted as far away from me as she could, like I was an infectious disease. It was so different from the last time we were on the couch together.  It was hard to believe it wasn't more than a few hours ago that we were happy together and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Now she was afraid to even let me near her.

It wasn't like I could get her pregnant again just by breathing in the same air.  That damage had already been done.

I was starting to sober up too much and wanted to sneak off to take a little something to make the uneasiness fade.  I felt for the bottle in my pocket to make sure it was still there and I hadn't lost it during the skirmish with Aiden.

It was right where I left it and pleading with me to take it out. I had to push down my hunger for both the little hunks of poison in my pocket and the girl who drove me insane. Getting my fix of either one of them right now was not going to solve the bigger problem in front of me.

The longer Riley and I sat in silence, staring at anything but each other, the darker my thoughts became.  My paranoia was on hyperdrive, searching for a way out of the unsettled guilt growing in the pit of my stomach. I was always torn between wanting to believe Riley was the innocent, perfect girl, but the suspicious, untrusting side didn't agree.

There was a chance this wasn't my problem.

Brynn's warnings, the pink-haired guy on the table, and the way Aiden always found a way to touch her body—there were so many red flags about how she behaved around other guys. There was so much overwhelming evidence that she had been sleeping around.

She did decide to disappear on me for a long time after the fight at Bannon's. How many other guys had she been with during that time?

Did she tell them she loved them too?

The pocket of anger inside me began to build again as I thought about her with someone else.

"You're sure it's mine?" I swiped my hand over my face with a sigh. This was her opportunity to tell me the truth.

"Did you really just ask me that?" Her face contorted like the words had caused her physical pain.

Even if my girl finally confirmed my worst suspicions, the thing growing inside her was still something I would have to deal with so we could still be together.

"We always used protection." I defended my question.

She narrowed her eyes at me, challenging my statement. I had to backtrack. Our history wasn't as black and white as I made it sound.  There was a ton of gray swirled into the mix.

"Well, except that one time. You took that pill after."  I amended my previous statement quickly.

I still was never going to confess to her that I came inside her a second time after a half-second of phenomenal wake-up sex. That minor indiscretion didn't even matter anymore. Admitting it wouldn't change anything to resolve the issue at hand. 

It would probably just piss her off more that I never told her.

"I know. I thought we were safe after that too. I threw up not long after I took the morning after pill. Maybe it didn't work right? I've been trying to figure it out too." She agreed and tried to take the brunt of the blame.

No matter how it went down or when it happened, we had to do something about the pregnancy sooner than later. We gambled by taking our time getting the morning after pill and ended up on the losing end. We couldn't risk waiting any longer and end up stuck without a way out.

Having a kid was not an option for either one of us.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

Riley was a girl, so I assumed she probably knew right where to go to have the procedure done.  If she felt comfortable with a doctor or some clinic already, it was her best option.  Her body didn't need the added stress of going somewhere unknown and unfamiliar.

She also needed to get on birth control as soon as it was over.  Something about my impulses near Riley always left me feeling out of control. If we didn't do something else to protect ourselves, we would end up in the same situation a few weeks from now.

I didn't want to have to run to the clinic or pharmacy every time I lost myself in her.

"I don't know. This is all too new. I'm sorry I can't give you an answer right now." She apologized.

Wait, what answer? My head snapped up and my mouth dropped open.

Were we having two different conversations?

I just wanted to know when she was going to the doctor and where. It sounded like Riley was talking about keeping the pregnancy. She couldn't seriously think having a baby at eighteen with an ex-drug addict was the right decision.  I was still borderline high and was thinking more clearly than she was. 

In her defense, she didn't know about my past drug habit— and she didn't need to find out since it wasn't an actual problem anymore.

It was clear that Riley was making decisions with her emotions again and not her head.

"Do I get to have a say in this at all?" I questioned.

I was frustrated with the idiotic girl. She was acting like what I wanted didn't even matter. There was a baby with my DNA growing inside her, and I should have a say in what happened too.  I knew about the whole her body-her choice debate, but this would change both our lives.

This baby was never supposed to exist.

I felt cornered and powerless. It was a horrible feeling.

The lost in the clouds expression on Riley's face wasn't helping my internal dialogue.  She was wavering on what answer to give me as she thought it through.

"I'm not sure," She replied, looking at her hands instead of me.

"I have never wanted to be a Dad." I blurted out and hid my face so she wouldn't see the tears sliding down my cheeks. 

I couldn't do this, not even for her.

Riley grew up in an idyllic household with two loving parents and a brother who worshipped her every move. The naïve girl would never understand that this baby could never have that.  I would never be able to give her that kind of life. My brain wasn't wired that way.

If Riley understood how brutal and cruel this world could truly be, she wouldn't have given the idea room to flourish and grow.

I had no idea how to make her understand without telling her my secrets.

"I think it is a little late for that." She responded callously.

"It's not too late to fix this. I will call around and find a place to take care of this." I grabbed my phone off the couch and unlocked it. I typed in the words "abortion clinic" into the search bar and paused to add the words "female doctors only" before hitting submit.  A whole host of map markers popped up with information on nearby places. I clicked on the first one closest to the house and searched the site for more information.

"Wait. What?" She asked and tensed beside me.

"We have to do it before it's too late and we can't," I muttered as I continued to scroll over the information page.

The first place I clicked on was no good.  It had a youngish male doctor on staff. He was posing like he was modeling speedos on the beach. There was no way I would let Riley stick her legs up in the air for this tool bag—or any other guy who wasn't me. 

I paused for a second as my brain raced. Even with a female doctor, she wouldn't be safe alone. I had to go with her and be in the room just to make sure no one could take advantage of her while she was vulnerable.

"I'm not getting an abortion." Riley shrieked at me, which caused me to pause my frantic online search.

"Riley, if it's about the money, don't worry. I'll take care of it." I tried to reassure her.

I didn't have any available funds to my name, but I would find a way to make sure she had enough in hand to get the procedure done. Calling my mom was out of the question, she would get excited about the baby and I would have to break her heart. My Uncle Charlie was my only option. He would slip me some money if I called him and begged hard enough.  He wouldn't make me tell him what it was for and usually didn't ask a lot of questions when I needed help. 

"It's not about money, Ezra. I can't believe you. It's about what I think is right." Riley hissed at me.

Having this baby wasn't the right thing to do for us or the baby. 

What the fuck was she thinking?

"You're going to tell me you are seriously considering keeping this baby? Don't be stupid. Let's find a place and get this taken care of so we can put it behind us and move on." I brushed her off and continued on to the next closest clinic's website.

Two male doctors were on the home page with their arms crossed.

Immediate pass.

Riley sucked in a breath and rubbed her hands on her bare thighs. Then, she stood up without uttering a word and pushed her wild hair back behind her shoulders. She made little grunting huff noises as she walked around the room, straightening up the mess a little.  I raised my eyes from the screen periodically to watch her as she collected all her stuff from around the room.

She held the things tight to her chest and stomped towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I called out when she opened the door.

"Away from you."