A CRYING NEED

''Round and round the garden like a teddy bear.''

Your bleary eyes watch as your father traces your palm, the pads gently tickling the upturned hand. ''Upstairs.'' The sensation moves from your palm up to the tippy top of your fingers.

''Downstairs.'' He speaks again, tracing his finger down to your wrist. There's a pause. Nothing happens for a while, you glance up at your father waiting for something to happen- anticipating his next moves.

And then finally- he shouts! ''Tickles you everywhere!'' You cry out into a childish fit of giggles as he attacks your sides. You can't seem to stop wiggling and giggling, and he won't stop tickling, so you babble out the only few words you know which are, ''Tickle enough! Tickle enough!''.

Your pleas fuel the man to fill your bedroom with his own sweet laughter. His laughter bounces across the room, your high-pitched cries of glee merging with his honeyed giggles. You two sound nothing alike. Your voices, your pitches, your facial expressions are so different.

This man was nothing like you. And he was your father now. You understood that.

You are only 2 years old but you understand that this person before you is not your blood.

He was your guardian. Your caretaker. Your person.

You can depend on them.

Your brain might not have been developed enough to know that this person would pay for your college later in life or that this person was responsible for keeping you alive; but you knew that emotionally he was there for you.

You would cry, he would come. You would laugh, he would entertain. You would need and he would give.

The man before you, your father, laughs down at you. He laughs and laughs, and slowly he starts to cry.

You don't understand, you're only 2 years old.

Renji looks at his daughter, and smiles, tears cascading down his face. You were so quiet before. When they first got you. You would barely cry before. And when he wanted to comfort you, to be there for you- you'd already cried yourself out. Your eyes, he remembered, looked so lost. As if you didn't understand why nobody came to help when you asked. When you cried. When you screamed. When you wailed.

So you stopped. You didn't cry, you didn't laugh and you didn't scream.

But now- you are laughing. You're crying, while not in anger or pain but in glee and that is a cry nonetheless. You are being so loud, so disruptive and you know it's your bedtime but you won't stop. You won't stop laughing and babbling with the man you now trust.

Renji is finally here for you. Finally able to comfort his sweet child.

Your father. The first man you ever loved.