Kaiden

You know the feeling when time is passing but you feel excluded from it? I think it's called dissociating. That's what is happening to me. I'm sitting on the nearby palm tree, watching the drama that is now my life, unfold slowly.

I'm so dense. It's been staring at me right in the fucking face for two months. It is right fucking there. How didn't I notice?

But... Sam?!

He was with me when we found Nathan after the university party. He didn't even blink, not one expression changed when he saw him. Or maybe I was too caught up in my relief of finding Nathan to notice anything else.

God, I am so insanely dumb.

I don't know how Nathan can still live like that in the same neighborhood. His whole life was uprooted. I would change countries. Sam is the reason why he has trust issues.

Nathan joined Credence this year, which means he left Westbrook just before the time we met at camp. Sam doesn't know that the person I like is actually his ex boyfriend.

What the fuck have I landed myself into?

"You fucking stood there Sam, while your father gave me a fucking ultimatum! Leave the school and leave you, or he will make my life miserable!" Nathan yells.

I inhale sharply. Seth and Ana both look white as ghosts.

"You didn't even fight for me. Not once! Remember how much I was begging? I bet you enjoyed that, didn't you, you sadistic asswipe!"

Nathan hastily wipes his eyes.

"Do you remember that? Or did you conveniently forget?! I mean, obviously you could afford to forget. You weren't the one picking up the pieces of your heart from the fucking floor!"

I don't realise I reached out to hold his hand. He head whips to me, making me shut my eyes and look away. I don't want him to yell at me, I won't be able to handle it.

He doesn't say anything, instead turns back to Sam.

"Tell me Sam, did you forget how your father told me that he would forge a false criminal record against my dad and revoke his medical licence? Did you forget how he said my mum would be branded as a MDP?! All because I loved you? And you stood there, watching me wordlessly!"

My grip on his hand tightens. I can't believe that this is happening, that this is real.

Sam doesn't seem fazed, to my utter surprise.

"I didn't have a choice," He says finally, voice devoid of emotion. His eyes steel themselves, jaw set and clenched.

"I know you suffered, but it was for the best. I thought you'd move away with your dad and that would be the end of all the drama. But no, you stuck around. I wonder why you bothered to show up now, after all these months."

He doesn't.... feel the slightest bit sorry?!

Nathan looks like he got stabbed, his expression contorted in pain.

"To think I loved you, you fucking piece of shit!"

Sam actually rolls his eyes and it makes my blood boil.

"I didn't ask you to. And for fuck's sake, did you really think we were going to last beyond high school? Were you really that deluded, Nate? My dad threatened to kick me out if I stayed with you. You really thought I would choose you over my own life?"

Nathan's tears have stopped now, his teeth grinding against each other.

Is it bad...that I understand why Sam did what he did?! I fucking get him. Am I wrong for feeling like that?

Sam huffs, lightly touching the swollen spot on his lips where Nathan punched him. He looks bored almost.

"We were sixteen. I sure as fuck was not going to give up my whole career, family and reputation for love. Absolutely not. Honestly it's kind of stupid you held on to me so long, it's been more than seven months now."

I understand him but I could never imagine being so nonchalant after breaking someone's trust.

"You know what, fuck you. I don't care what you did to me. But I'm warning you, stay the fuck away from Kaiden. I will not fucking let you ruin his life!" Nathan says in a low voice. He seems exhausted.

Sam smirks, making a chill run down me.

"Please, Kaiden's not a kid, he can handle himself fine. Besides, it's not like we're dating, he knows what he's getting into. He's not an emotional mess like you."

Seth and Ana gasp at the cold reply, looking shellshocked.

"That's enough!" I yell.

Sam's face hardens.

"Do you even feel a little bit of remorse for what happened?!" I snap, enraged. I walk to him and jab my finger in his chest.

"He is afraid of trusting people because of you! You knew everything about him and yet, you could so easily let go?! You didn't have the fucking balls to stand up for your friend?! Much more, someone you loved?! I thought.. God, I thought you were a good person Sam!"

"Grow the fuck up Kai, life isn't a fucking fairytale. I already told you my reasons. And I'm not going to beat myself up because he still chooses to hold on to me like a lovesick child!"

"He is holding on because he actually loved you, you piece of shit! How the hell are you so cool about it?"

Sam opens his mouth, but sighs.

"What's done is done, Kaiden. I understand he's your friend and you care about him but I can't be blamed for choosing my own self over him."

"I can't believe you. You're so cold. You never loved him Sam. You don't know what love is."

"Maybe I don't. It doesn't matter anyway. Money does. You're naive Kai. Someday you will realise I was right."

He runs his hands through his pin straight hair, blue eyes staring into my own. He isn't sorry at all, for hurting someone else, hurting Nathan, to the point that he has lost the ability to make human connections.

"I do know it Sam. But someday you will realise that love is what gives meaning to everything else. Otherwise, what is the point?"

We stare at each other in silence. Two sides of the same coin, two parallel thought processes. I watch his sharp angular features read my own. I don't feel rage anymore, just a ringing melancholy for this beautiful young boy.

"Maybe there is no point, Kaiden. You really are a hopeless romantic," He smiles, taking my hand in his.

I yank it away. I can't stand to be in physical contact with him right now.

"You're both really fucking stupid though. I hope you get into your fucking senses soon or else you're going to be very disappointed when reality gives you a bitch slap."

"Sam, that's enough," Ana says softly.

"I take it we're done here?" He asks me, ignoring her. "I mean, obviously you think very differently of me now, with your high horse and what not."

"High horse?!" I scoff. "No. It's called being a decent fucking person Sam. Maybe you should try it sometime."

He laughs a little.

"And sometime I will."

"I actually understand you," I sigh. "I get where you're coming from, we can't go against our parents, but the least you could do is fucking apologise to him?!"

The smile on his face dies.

"You didn't have a choice but you didn't suffer even a fraction of what he did."

I look at Nathan who is trying his best to not cry again, eyes shining.

"I'm not the reason he's fucked up, Kaiden."

"You're a big part of it. You were friends before you got thrown apart! You're acting like even the friendship didn't matter to you!"

Sam sighs.

Then, he walks to Nathan. I go to stop him, thinking he would punch him or something. Nathan glares, stepping back.

Instead, Sam just pulls him into a hug.

I stop in my tracks, meeting Nathan's widened gaze, as if to ask what the fuck?

Ana chuckles and Seth sighs.

"He's right, I'm sorry Nate," He sighs, making my heart swell. At least I got through.

Nathan leaves his hug quickly, looking determinedly at the floor.

"I... it's alright, I guess. I mean, it's not but I don't... I don't want to hate you anymore. I want to let you go," He says hoarsely. "I want your memory to not suffocate me anymore."

"I understand. And I'm sorry I said you didn't matter. If we had different circumstances... I would have stayed with you. I just can't do that anymore."

Nathan nods, running his fingers through his hair, still not looking at Sam. It's probably too painful.

Sam walks towards Seth, sitting down beside him.

"You're welcome to stay, for old times sake."

Seth nods. He's been awfully quiet.

Imagine finding out your two best friends were together for the longest time, after they've broken up.

"What do you want Kai? I mean, Nathan did come to get you away from big bad Sam," Sam chuckles mockingly. Nathan gives him the finger.

"You should stay," Nathan says, not meeting my gaze, fidgeting with his fingers.

I want to give him a hug for being so brave coming here, despite knowing it would be uncomfortable as fuck.

"I'll go because I brought a friend's car and I gotta return that."

"I'll come with you," I say instantly.

I don't want to leave him alone after what Sam just told him. Even though he apologized, I know Nathan is hurting by his blatant admission. 

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"I'll just get my things."

I go upstairs and Sam follows me. He shuts the door and captures me in a passionate kiss but lets go quickly.

"Sam..."

"I know you don't trust me anymore, after finding out about me and Nathan. So I'm telling you this, don't forget about me."

"What?"

He gives me a hug, burying his head in my shoulder.

"I had fun with you, Kai. And I know we started out physical but...I didn't think my attachment would grow deeper. You're an amazing person you know?" He sighs, his breaths tickling my neck.

I smile. He steps back, leaving my arms.

"You're too pure for your own good. Just, be happy always, okay?"

"Why... does this sound like a goodbye?

"This is goodbye."

I stop short, feeling a cold clutch my heart.

"Don't say that, we're... we can still be friends!"

I want to be friends with him. I know it would upset Nathan but I like our dynamic.

"It's going to be very hard to pretend to be your friend after what we shared, Kaiden. I would prefer we didn't meet henceforth."

"You didn't do anything bad to me! You're smart, funny and I enjoy your company. We also know each other's families! You can't cut me out of your life! You're making it into a goodbye!"

"Yes, I know I am."

"Why?!"

"For my sake. I already told you, I'm a selfish person. It's just better that way Kai. Maybe, if fate permits, we will find each other again."

"You're not considering what I want here! You'd just ignore me during the numerous parties our families meet at?! Would you do that?!" I ask surprised.

"Like I said, I'm a selfish person."

A silence settles between us. I stare at his beautiful features, trying to etch his face into my mind. I don't want to forget him.

"What if Seth and Ana want to be in touch?"

"I'm not telling anyone else to not stay in contact with you. I'm doing it for my own sanity. The others you're free to associate with."

He sighs, looking towards the ocean.

"I'm going to miss you and your smile so much Kai. But your cooking more definitely."

I laugh weakly, feeling tears prick my eyes. I didn't think he would push me away! Not like this.

"I also know you've been hesitant about me because you like Nathan."

I almost choke on air, blood rushing to my cheeks. My reaction is too quick and there is no way I can deny it.

"You should have told me," He says softly. "I wouldn't have pursued you in the first place. Actually, I should have taken the hint during the frat party itself."

"Hm?"

"You were worried sick for him that night. I could tell. You barely paid any attention to how rash you were driving, you just knew you had to reach Nathan."

Oh...

"And just now, watching you defend him, how you instinctively held his hand. You forgot that we were kissing just seconds before he showed up. You called me out for hurting him, without thinking. That's enough proof for me."

I bite my lip. He's more observant than I give him credit for.

"I just wish you would have told me."

"Yeah well, I knew you weren't on good terms. How was I supposed to bring him up? Whenever I spoke about Nathan with Seth and Ana, they mentioned you fell apart and that it was a touchy subject for you."

"It used to be. Now it doesn't hurt as much."

"Did you really... stand there, listening to your dad?" I ask quietly.

He sighs.

"Because Seth said Nathan was kicked out for feeling up some politician's kid...?"

"That was a ruse so that my identity was kept in the dark. My dad ensured that. I didn't try to defend Nathan because I knew he would leave me if he saw me indifferent. I honestly made it easier because there was no universe in which we would have ended up miraculously together. No matter how much I begged, Dad wouldn't have changed his mind."

"That's so cold. How do you stand him?"

"I do it for my brother."

"I respect you so much more for that," I pat his arm, earning a small smile.

"Goddamn," He chuckles, pushing his hair back aggressively.

"What?"

"Nothing. Goodbye, Kai. Don't forget me."

He pulls me in his arms again. I can feel he doesn't want to let go but he pulls away.

"I won't, I promise. Thank you for inviting me."

He rolls his eyes, but they're watery. I don't know what's worse, breaking a heart or getting yours broken.

I trudge downstairs. He doesn't follow.

There's an ache in my gut.

I understand not everyone is strong enough to stay friends with someone they have feelings for, but I wish he would.

Nathan is waiting by the car. I don't recognise it so it's not any of our friends.

He's talking to Seth and Ana. They are laughing and it's relieving to know that they really meant what they said about missing him.

"I hope you'll stay in touch?" Seth says just as I approach.

"Yeah man, just don't invite Vanessa around and I'll come whenever you ask," Nathan smiles. Seth snickers, punching his arm.

Ana hugs me tight and so does Seth.

"I had an amazing time with you. Lets catch up sometime soon yes?"

"Of course. Drive safe yeah?"

"Bye guys! Enjoy the rest of your stay!" I wave at them.

"Bye Kai, bye Nathan!"

Nathan pulls out of the driveway and I look back one last time, mind reeling from all the revelations.

It's been an eventful weekend.