Kaiden

Tuesday dawns gloomy as hell, with the temperature dropping lower, reflecting my mood. And well, my face.

"You look awful!" Raven gasps when I approach her in school.

Nathan is sitting with her at the amphitheatre. They're alone so I probably interrupted them. They hang out a lot these past few days. Raven is always with him, always talking about him. I'm dying inside but I can't shit on her happiness for my own. She's my best friend.

At least Nathan might like her eventually. I hope he doesn't break her heart as well. Raven gets hurt easy.

"I know," I sigh, sitting beside her anyway, ignoring Nathan again. I have to pretend he doesn't exist or I will never ever get over him because he is a) extremely handsome and b) a very good friend.

"I'm so fucking glad my parents are not home for the week. What would I even say to them?" I laugh and wince at the pain that shoots through my skull.

Raven examines my face closely.

"He left several good marks, you look like you've been dragged through the ground! Your jaw is purple."

"Why didn't you bandage your knuckles?" Nathan asks.

I don't answer, just shrug, looking at the people going inside school instead.

"You went batshit. It was terrifying to watch. What got into you? You've literally never been violent!" Raven asks.

I roll my eyes and wince. I can't even do that, my whole face is sore.

"Did you at least take painkillers?" Nathan asks, putting a flower from the nearby bush in Raven's hair. She blinks and then blushes furiously.

"Hm," I nod, trying to ignore that gesture. It was so fucking cheesy and definitely not platonic.

The bell goes off and I hurry inside. I can't bear to see them together, all lovey dovey. I want to scream at him - why not me? But then what? He can't get feelings for a guy if he's straight! If Nathan says he's straight, then that must be the truth. 

"Nice face, Pierce," Adrian sneers at me near the lockers, despite looking clearly worse off. His nose is bandaged and he has a black eye.

"I swear to God, if you don't stop talking to me, or even breathe in my general direction ever again, I will cut your tongue and staple it your balls!"

His smile falls when the entire corridor bursts into laughter. I wasn't exactly quiet when I said that.

"Fuck you," he snaps and walks off.

I slam my locker shut and storm to homeroom. It's going to be a long ass day, with the upcoming detention after school.

"Woah, what is with that murderous expression?" Ryan asks, catching me near his class. "Man you look like you got molested!" he laughs.

"Nothing. Just keep Adrian away from me or I'm definitely going to kill him," I sigh. I am really strung up and it will be too easy to trigger me today. I want to go to a forest and scream my lungs out.

Ryan nods and parts ways. I can barely focus on the English Lit class, with Raven and Nathan sitting in front. I hate this.

Fuck feelings....

*****

.... and fuck Detentions.

On top of the exhausting school day and the awful ache in my face, I have to stay two hours after school and clean the gum off the fucking bleachers. I stole gloves from the janitor's room because there is no way my pretty french nails are touching the filthy seats.

The worst part is, most of it is probably mine, the amount of times I have come here to smoke.

Life has a funny way of biting you in the ass.

Take my face for example. The sexual satisfaction wasn't nearly as gratifying or worth this pain. I bruised like a peach.

The gum bucket is disgusting. I thank my brain for remembering my earphones otherwise I would have gone mad, just watching the soccer team practice.

The monotony of the task is strangely calming. The music envelopes me as I robotically clean.

I jump at the tap on my back. It's Bella.

"You scared me!" I chuckle, taking off my earphones. "What's up?"

"Hey. Do you need some company?"

"Sure."

"I won't touch the bucket though, that shit looks nasty! I'll just sit still and look pretty," she smiles.

"Fair enough, not like you deserve the labour, you do too much for the school already!"

She blushes slightly. I go back to the grimy task.

"Why are you still waiting?" I ask.

"Um, I'm waiting for Max. I had council work but I got done earlier than expected. We're going on a date today but he said he wants me to come to his place!"

"Ooh, are you gonna do the deed?! Use protection! I'm too young to be a Godfather!"

"I swear to God Kai, I'll empty that bucket on your head," she laughs. "But I don't know, we might. I'm kinda nervous."

"Aw, don't be. Max is an amazing guy. If at all you do feel uncomfortable, tell him okay? You don't have to ever do anything you don't want to. If he tries anything, just end his lineage right there by kneeing his testicles!"

"Ew, Kaiden!" Bella laughs, hiding her face. "You have no filters do you?"

I shake my head, grinning.

"Why is he surprising you? I mean you've been dating a while now. I thought you must have covered all bases already."

Bella rolls her eyes but grins.

"It's important to keep the spark in a relationship so little surprises mean a lot even if they aren't fancy. And besides, no one would be unhappy with a surprise, no matter the occasion. Remember that."

"Oh okay, I will. If I ever get into a relationship."

We both look towards the field at our team. Nathan scores easily, dodging Luke who curses. Coach yells at him, explaining his lack of defense.

"So, what's up with you and Nathan?"

I stiffen automatically.

"Nothing? Why?"

"You've been distant with him since homecoming. I mean, you were almost inseparable but you're barely speaking now. Everyone noticed."

"We got tired of each other. I mean, always being together it happens right?"

"Don't bullshit me, Kaiden. I know you're avoiding something."

"What no, I'm not! Also, you're not acting any less suspicious, you're conveniently not around when Nathan joins us. Did he do something to you?!"

God, if he has I'm going to kill him, crush or not.

"He didn't do anything. It's just me."

She sighs.

"Spill. Whatever it is, just tell. Come on I'll buy you a Bath and Body Works candle set!"

"You're bribing me?! That's a hard bargain!"

"I know," I smile.

She hits my arm and pouts. She has an obsession with scented candles and is determined to have a collection, even though she only smells them and doesn't light them because they're 'too pretty' to waste. What's the point of buying them then? But I don't dare ask her that.

"Well, it's... I didn't really remember it until yesterday when I scrolled through my phone. I'm probably not supposed to say anything but since you're closest to him, you should know."

She unlocks her phone and presses play on a video. It's from the frat party. Max is dancing weirdly and Aaron and Alex are cheering. I grin.

The camera pans around and she hits pause, handing the phone to me.

Oh my.

It's Nathan, no mistaking it. I remember the shirt he was wearing.

He's kissing a guy.

He looks like he's having fun, all tangled up with that older guy. He was the one who gave him the weed probably. Nathan was saying something about a Theo when we found him stoned and lost.

Does it mean.... but then... why?

"That's why I've been avoiding him. He hasn't spoken to me about it but he saw me watching him. That's why he ran away that night. Ryan was telling me you were looking for him."

Oh.

"I wanted to tell you after the game but I didn't even see you at Calum's party. I passed out later so I didn't get around to telling you. I almost forgot about it until I saw the video again. The boy looks older, no? He's probably from the same University."

Why does he fucking lie to me?

Does he think I'm going to judge him?

I could have chosen to believe Daniel and Vanessa but I asked him straight up and yet he lied. It's not my place to ask about Theo either. I mean, it's his life he can do what he wants. What hurts is he rejected me by claiming he's straight yet he was sucking face with this dude only the previous night.

Is he confused or does he just simply not want me? It's probably the latter.

That's even more humiliating. That he has to pretend to be straight just so I don't hit on him. God, I want to bury myself.

"Do you think he's bisexual like you? Or just gay? I mean, he hasn't really been interested in anyone since he got here. I do think he likes Raven. So maybe I'm going towards Bi but I shouldn't label him I know."

Raven.

Is she just a ploy to him for not coming out? Imagine if they got together and he just kept lying to her? Should I tell her that she's wasting her time and that he's into guys? But I don't know for sure either. You like who you like right? The person matters.

What if I meddle and mess up everything? His behaviour towards Raven is very affectionate to just be friendly.

I look to the field. Their practice is almost done and they're heading towards the lockers. I watch the number 10 jersey disappear inside.

Why the fuck is this guy so complicated?

"Raven is so into him right?!" Bella laughs. "I've not seen her so infatuated before! Kaiden, where are you lost? You literally haven't said a word!"

I blink, realising Bella is still speaking.

"So, uh, he hasn't asked you about it?" I ask, clearing my throat.

I pick up the bucket and tie a knot on the plastic bag. I have cleaned up half of the mess. I'll have to be back tomorrow ugh. At least there's no supervision on me, I just have to sign the sheet with the
teacher before I go.

"No. I didn't mention it to him either because we haven't spoken since that day. Also, this is too personal."

"Hm. If I confront him, he'll know you talked. So I guess just leave it like that," I shrug.

I should be telling that to myself. I'm itching to find out but I'll let it slide for now, with the exams looming. I don't want to distract myself anymore that I have already.

Max strolls up to us, waving at me. Bella hugs him happily and he plants a sweet kiss on her forehead.

"You're so cute together, I hate you," I laugh.

Max flips me off. I bid them goodbye and walk back to the school building to sign the form.

Much to my surprise, Nathan is talking to the school counselor. I catch a bit of their conversation.

"I'm doing better I promise. My scores prove that. Do I have to continue the sessions?"

"That is great but Nathan, it's not even three months yet. I'm sorry but I will have to see you for at least another two months. Don't hesitate to contact me. Have a nice evening."

He's going to counselling?!

It's probably for his panic attacks. Why doesn't he see an actual therapist? Maybe he can't afford it. Is that why he skips lunch break most times?

I am being selfish, annoyed about him not liking me back, when he has bigger demons to face.

Fuck, I am such a teenager.