| CHAPTER SEVENTEEN |

🎵 force of nature by bea miller
***

YOU LOCKED YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM BEFORE DIVING INTO YOUR BED AND STUFFING YOUR FACE IN YOUR PILLOW. engulfed in confusion and hurt, you decided to just let the tears roll down your cheeks. they will eventually have to stop, right?

images of ochako in katsuki's shirt and him in only a towel kept replaying in your mind. i'm probably just overthinking this, you tried to reassure yourself and failed. to be honest you even overthought your overthinking so it had to make sense. but it didn't.

what the hell is wrong with you? it wasn't like he was your boyfriend or anything. he could sleep with whoever he liked. there was no commitment between the two of you. no strings attached. that was what you both agreed on.

so why did it hurt so much to see her there? did he really have to go and sleep with her on the same day? did you not satisfy him?

all those times...

the time he saw your lyrics late night, found out about your cheating ex and cheered you up...

the time when he let you ride on the back of his motorcycle and got fast food with you even though he only ate healthy...

the time when he defended you in front of your ex...

the time when he took you to the beach to take you mind off of your ex...

the time when he had his guard down. when he was being playful. when he laughed. his laugh.

did he do all that out of pity? feeling bad for the little broken sad girl?

you thought keeping this relationship strictly physical would protect your heart.

then why did it feel the same as when you found out shindo cheated on you?

had he been chipping away from the wall you so carefully had built with all those little deeds? how could you not notice?

shindo cheated on you because you weren't enough.

and bakugou had to sleep with others because, once again, you weren't enough.

it seems like no matter how much you tried, you only managed to disappoint. drive people to seek what they need from others. never enough.

with a loud groan you reached for your phone and texted the only close friend you had.

N/N
hey. you busy izu?

IZU
hey. not really. just waiting for shoto.

N/N
do you mind meeting
me at our spot in 5?
i  really need to talk to someone :(

IZU
is everything okay?

N/N
yes for the most part.

IZU
i can be there in 10?

N/N
thanks izu. see you in 10.

you washed your face and looked at your reflection in the mirror. it was funny how in a matter of hours you barely could recognize yourself. your eyes were puffy and red but there was not much you could do to hide them. with a sigh, you grabbed a hoodie and headed to the rooftop.

you sat down with your back against the wall, hugging your knees into your chest. and as promised, izuku was there in 10 minutes.

"hey there. what's going on n/n?" izuku asked as he slid down the wall next to you.

tears started rolling down your cheeks again as you felt strong arms pulling you into a tight hug.

"hey, hey, hey. talk to me. what's going on?" his words laced with worry and care.

you poured your heart out for him. explaining everything form your arrangement with bakugou to everything that had happened today.

"i've known kachan for a while now. and i don't think he would do that to you. i mean he was expecting you tonight, right? i don't think he would do this on purpose when he knew you were visiting him" izuku explained.

"also after what ochako did to him, i don't think he would ever sleep with her again."

"what do you mean sleep with her again?" you asked, your drawn brows the result of a mix of surprise and confusion.

"oh. sorry, i thought you knew. they dated a while back during the second year."

"i thought she dated you?"

"well, yeah, but then i broke up with her to be with shoto once he confessed. and it really hurt her. she used kachan as a rebound and to try and make me jealous even though kachan will never admit it."

you were shocked. never in a million years did you imagine katsuki dating ochako out of all people. all your confusion and pain slowly turned into anger.

angry at ochako for the way she used him. she was the reason he now thought he can't date.

angry at katsuki for not respecting the time you had planned to work on the song.

and angry at yourself for feeling so affected, so emotional, so hurt, by all of this.

you both started looking up at the now dark sky. small stars littering it.

after a few minutes, you broke the comfortable silence between the two of you "i just don't understand. it's supposed to be meaningless sex. but i feel so..." you trailed off struggling to find the right word.

"hurt?" izuku asked with his eyes still glued to the sky.

"not enough?" you also questioned.

he finally looked down at you "honestly n/n, you should just go and talk to kachan after you sort out your own feelings. it seems like there is more to this. you guys need to clarify everything before it gets more complicated."

"are you saying i like him?"

"don't you?"

you blinked at him a few times before breathing out "i'm not sure."

you did think you were still too hung up on shindo to like someone else but maybe somewhere between the mind blowing sex and his small gestures to make sure i were doing okay, you could have developed feelings for him.

you sat there quietly for a few more minutes, ruminating about everything.

"thanks izu. you always know how to make me feel better." you leaned your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes as a wave of calmness washed over your body.

he squeezed your shoulder, reassuring you everything was going to be okay "anytime n/n. i'm always here for you."

***

Where words fail, music speaks
-Hans Christian Andersen