Copyright © MonMoncheese
All Rights Reserved
47 Published 04.17.2020

•••

JAMES

With my eyes shut I bury my face into my hands.

All this time we were so close

So damn close.

"James!" I hear someone yell my name and I raise my head into the direction of the voice.

A few meters away I catch sight of Nathan jogging my way. His pace decreasing as he nears the benches.

Did he follow me?

"James." He pants as he stops in front of me.

"Hi, mate." Is all I say before looking down to the phone resting on my lap.

How was I supposed to face him now?

"We need to talk." I hear him say and I feel my heart drop.

There it was.

The one thing I was afraid of.

"I know," I say quietly.

We did need to talk.

Nathan groans before sitting next to me.

He lets out a breath before speaking. "Are you mad?"

Taking a deep breath, I run a hand through my hair in frustration. "I'm not."

It was the truth.

There is nothing for me to be mad about.

But I feared that it would be the other way around.

I wasn't sure how Nathan felt about me talking to his sister. I wish I knew.

But I couldn't decipher his emotions right now.

He seemed puzzled as well.

Please don't ask me to forget about her. I mentally beg.

"I found out three days ago." He suddenly says and I freeze. "You two were talking on the phone and I was just checking up on her after training. I didn't know who was on the other side of the phone considering that she doesn't talk to many people." His voice turns quiet at the end and I turn to him with a frown.

What did he mean by that?

"It was when I was closing the door that I heard your name." He turns his attention to the front but I remain looking at him. He seemed stressed, the dark circles under his eyes served as proof. "I knew that you were talking to a girl named Rose, but it was too much of a coincidence for her to be talking to a guy named, James. That's when I knew." Nathan turns to me. "You guys were talking to each other."

Biting my lip, I take a moment to process his words.

Three days ago Nathan started acting differently.

It was because of that. Because he knew.

"Is that why you have been acting strange?"

"Yeah," He chuckles, but there was no humour in it. "I didn't mean to act strange around the guys, you especially. I just didn't know what to do."

Nodding my head, I bring my palms together and place my chin on the tip.

So many things were running through my mind.

But the only thing I wanted to do is to talk to her.

I miss her.

I miss everything about her.

Rubbing my forehead, I sigh.

We were only strangers, but in reality, we were so much more than that.

I needed her.

"She's ignoring me." I tell him.

My fists clench in reaction and it seems that Nathan also noticed that.

"She is?" He looks up and I nod. "Why?"

"I don't know." I look down at the phone on my lap.

I want to know the reason as well.

"The phone call you heard three days ago was our last one. She's not replying to my messages or calls."

Nathan clicks his tongue in thought.

"Roseanne isn't doing well lately." Nathan looks down at his shoes and my heart races. "She's been cooped inside her room these past three days. She's barely eating. "

"Why?"

Nathan only stares at me with a worried look. "I wish I knew, James."

"Let me meet her." I blurt out.

Nathan doesn't hesitate to answer. "I can't." He shakes his head in defeat.

My fists clench on their own accord as I think about her.

We were doing fine, what could have caused this?

"Nathan," I get up from the bench. "This is the third time she has done this. It physically hurts me to not know if she is okay. Listen, the girl I care about is ignoring me. Do you know how that fucking feels? I feel useless! Rosie could be struggling right now and I'm here doing nothing because until a few minutes ago, I didn't know who she was. I refuse to let her ignore me unless she gives me a good reason. Until then, I'm not staying still." The moment I realize I'm raising my voice, I clench my jaw in anger.

Nathan simply stares at me with a surprised expression and something unreadable flashes through his eyes before it disappears.

"I will talk to her when I get home." He finally says.

"I'm sorry," I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. "I just need to know that she is okay."

"Don't apologize, James. I know that you care about her. I can see it in you. It's clear."

I frown at his words but decide to leave it alone for now.

"What about you?" I turn to the front. "Are you mad that I'm talking to your sister?"

"No," He waves his hands around. "I could never be mad at you for that. It's the other way around. I'm glad it's you, James. And there are things you have to know, but now is not the time. First, we have to figure out what happened to my sister."

I hum in response just as the bell rings and I see a few students walking back to the building.

"Let's head back." Nathan stands up.

But just as Nathan makes a move to walk, I place a hand on his shoulder.

"Nathan," He turns around and waits for me to speak. "I care about her more than I thought I did."

Nathan simply smiles.

"I know."

Whatever these feelings are, I never want them to go away.

ROSEANNE

I open my eyes to the sound of rain hitting my window.

There was no thunder.

No lighting.

Just rain.

But it was enough to wake me up from my terrors.

Glancing to the nearest window, I yawn.

No matter how much I slept I still felt tired.

I wanted to keep sleeping, but I knew I couldn't.

As a shiver trails through my body from the cold, I'm forced to pull the covers all the way to my shoulders.

I'm wearing a hoodie, but it seemed that today was a cold day. And a simple hoodie didn't do the job.

Through my sleepy state, I make a move to sit on the bed with my back pressed against the wall and I bring my legs to my chest, hugging them in the process.

Just as I'm doing this, I hear the familiar sound of my phone ringing and I'm reminded of the one person I miss the most.

The boy, I miss.

James.

I don't even bother checking my phone in guilt.

I knew it was him.

He was going to hate me for ignoring him.

But I couldn't talk to him.

I thought I was fine that day, that I would be able to forget about what happened.

I was wrong.

Sleep had been overtaken by the nightmares.

Except they weren't nightmares.

They were real.

A memory.

One that I seemed to have memorized.

A knock on my door causes me to flinch and my breath hitches in fear.

Fear.

That's all I felt.

Something had changed that day.

Fear had overpowered my body, taking full control of it. Making me its prisoner.

"Come in!" I try to say steadily, but my own voice betrays me as it wavers.

The door opens slowly opens before my brother steps inside the room. Shutting the door behind him.

It's only Nathan.

Not Scott.

"You're awake." He grins at my sight.

But I simply look down causing my brother to sigh in response.

As he walks to my side of the bed, I remain immobile.

"Rose, we need to talk." He crouches down, forcing me to look up at him as he places a hand on my cast.

As I stare into my brother's eyes, I see the look on his face.

"Nathan, please. Not now." I say quietly, hoping that he would listen to me.

"No, Rose." Nathan shakes his head just as he stands. "It's been three days since you've been cooped inside of your room. Mom and dad are starting to get worried. And I know that this has to do with something that happened at school." At the mention of school, my breathing becomes rigged.

I've been going to school, but I walk through those hallways in fear.

Waiting for someone to suddenly appear.

As if Scott would step out of the shadows to finish what he started.

"See!" He points to me acussingly. "You're not okay. Something happened at school. It's the only explanation for your sudden fear. I notice the way you flinch, Rose. I see it. It's hard not to, especially when there's no one else that could harm you in this room."

He's wrong.

The dangers weren't here physically, but they were inside my head.

Waitng for me to grow weak.

Until I'm no longer able to fight agaisnt them.

My brows furrow slightly as I stare at Nathan.

He's angry.

His posture is rigid. Both first are clench by his side as he glares at the wall, instead of me.

It's my fault.

"Nathan," I try to get his attention but he continues to face the wall. "Please, let's talk about this another day-"

"What about him? Huh?" He turns to me with furrowed eyebrows."Why are you ignoring him?"

Him?

My eyes widened as I realize that he's talking about James.

Nathan walks towards my bed and I wait for him to continue talking.

"I know that you have been talking to a boy, lately. And whatever is happening between you and him is endearing. You've become happier since you started talking to him. Until three days ago, at least. You haven't talked to him. Why? Because you're ignoring him. But what did he do for you to ignore him?"

"How did you know I was ignoring him? I ask as he takes a seat on my bed.

How did he know?

Instead of answering, Nathan takes my hand in his and gives it a soft squeeze.

It was enough to make me feel safe, but not enough to tell him the truth.

"Because Rose, you have a tendency of avoiding the ones you love when you're in pain." He gives me a sad look and I divert my eyes to the wall.

His words struck something inside me causing my eyes to burn.

Through blurry eyes, I stare at Nathan.
And his face softens as he sees a tear trail down my cheek.

I couldn't deny it.

He was right.

And he knew that.

"I'm scared." I mumble, wiping the tear away with the back of my hand.

"Scared of what?" He scoots closer to me and I catch a whiff of his cologne.

"Many thing, but I'm scared of disappointing him. He wants to meet me but I'm not worthy of his friendship, of him." As I say this I sit on the edge of the bed, aligned with Nate.

I feared that he would be a lie.

That he would be like the others. The ones that bring me pain.

But in reality, I was harming the one bringing him pain as I ignored him.

Nathan only brings me close to his chest in a way to comfort me.

"It's those bastards. They did this to you." He mutters.

"No, Nathan. Everything they say is right. I'm worthless." I lean my head on his shoulder and he freezes.

"Tell me you did not just say that?!" He grits out just as he stands up.

The anger is vible within him.

If I said one wrong thing, he would snap.

"Nathan, calm down." I tell him as he rubs his face while pacing around the room.

"To hell with that, Rose! They're fucking sick!" He exclaims and I stand up from the bed, making my way towards him.

I reach to touch his forearm but he rejects my touch by flinching away.

I stay in my place, unaware of what to do next.

"You're going to tell me what happened." He turns to me with a cold demeanor.

"Nathan, please, don't make me do this." I beg him. The burning sensation in my throat making an appearance, but I force it away for now.

"Rose, I love you so so much." He looks up at me and I gasp.

He was crying.

A few tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"But I will not let you suffer in pain, especially not because of those assholes. So forgive me for this, but you either tell me or I will call mom and dad."

As he says the last part there is a certain tiredness to his voice.

As if he were tired of everything.

"No," I manage to grab a hold of his arm. "Nathan, please." I say.

"I'm sorry." He whispers and I hear his voice cracking.

Nathan pulls my fingers away and pulls out the phone from his pocket.

I stand there completely frozen as he unlocks his phone.

"Rose, tell me." He stares at me.

But I'm not paying attention to his eyes.

My eyes are focused on the tears trailing down his face.

He doesn't want to do this.

But he will.

I choke out a sob and I place a palm over my mouth.

I had to do it.

"Rose," My brother pleads and I shut my eyes.

The sound of my heart thumping inside my chest reaches my ears and I grow overwhelmed.

"I- Nathan-" I'm not able to say anymore as I sob loudly.

I couldn't stop it.

Turning around, I try to wipe my tears away, but it was useless.

They kept coming.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan." I manage to say through sobs.

"Rose, what the hell did those bastards do to you?" I hear his voice behind me but as soon as he places a hand on my shoulder I flinch.

I couldn't forget.

"Three days ago," I start, my back still facing him. "Two people played a joke on me."

I clench my fist as I remember the way they treated me.

"What kind of joke?" Nathan grits out and I let out shaky breath.

"A guy tried to take advantage of me." I whisper.

In a matter of seconds, Nathan turns me around and I whimper."He what?!"

"Tell me you're lying." He stares into my eyes and I shake my head.

"He didnt touch me all the way! It was a joke to scare me, Nathan. Please, don't tell mom and dad. Nothing else happened. He left me after that Just forget about it." I beg him through my blurry eyes feeling a strange feeling in my chest, one that was foreign to me.

"Until when did he stop?" Nathan questions and I grow stiff.

Lowering my head, I reply. "He removed my blazer and unbuttoned my shirt." I tell him quietly.

"He touched you, Rose!" He holds me by the arms and it causes me to cry more."He fuckling touched you." His voice grows shaky at the end.

I shouldn't have told him.

It was a mistake.

But it was too late.

"Who is he?!" He demands and I shake my head in refusal.

The pain in my chest was expanding.

I couldn't breathe.

"He's no one." I croak, holding on to him for support as the lack of oxygen makes me dizzy.

My eyes land on the floor and it seems to dance under my feet.

"Nathan, I- I can't breath."

I begin to hyperventilate just as his holds on me loosens.

"Something is happening to me." I whisper afraid of my own words.

There is a bringing in my ears and I'm forced I'm shut my eyes.

"Rose, don't close your eyes. Tell me what's wrong?" My brothers places a hand on my cheek

But I shake my head.

I don't know.

It just hurts.

My eyes remain shut as I try to regain control of my breathing, but it's too strong.

It overpowers.

Everything is happening at once.

The ringing seems to have intensified and I whimper in pain.

"Nathan!"

My whole body shakes as I sob and my legs give in.

"Stay with me, Rose." Nathan kneels down holding my face in his hands.

"I'm scared," I tell him.

"You're having a panic attack."

"Make it stop," I plead.

As I shut my eyes in fear, I'm transported to that day.

And then I feel Scott removing the blazer from my body.

"Stop, please stop." I beg him to stop as I try to cover my body. But his hands are too strong.

"Rose! Snap out of it." I feel someone pat my cheeks and I open my eyes.

"Breath, Rose. You have to do this." His voice sounds distorted and I frown.

He's right in front of me.

"I need you you to breath." I snap out of it as he pats my cheek one more time.

I need to breathe.

"In and out." He says softly.

Nodding my head, I focus on my breathing.

In and out.

Just like he said.

"Keep doing that, Rose." Nathan says.

In and out.

As I continue to follow this order, I find myself regaining control of my body until I manage to breath properly.

The ringing in my ears seems to have stopped

But the erratic beating of my heart remains.

"Nathan." I turn to him who's looking at me with worry.

I expect him to say something, but he only lets out a sigh before bringing me to his chest.

"You scared me." He mumbles next to my ear.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "It's the first time this has happened to me. I was scared."

Nathan leans back and looks down in shame.

"I caused this." He whispers.

"No," Wiping away the tear that seems to have fallen, I try to console him. "I'm fine now."

My brother simply shakes his head and stands up. I try to get up as well, but my legs only quiver in response.

Nathan only extends his arm for me and I grab it as he pulls me up.

Once on my feet I look around the room.

It was still raining.

The drops of rain rolling down my window.

"I'm really sorry. This is all my faulty." Nathan takes a step forward and pulls me into a hug.

"This is not your fault, none of it is." My voice is muffled as I bury my face in his chest.

But I know he understood me because of the sigh he let out.

"Go to sleep. You need it." He tells me. And I look up at him.

However, he simply avoids my stare.

He's tired.

"Are you angry at me?" I frown slightly.

"No," His eyes finally land on me. "I'm not. I just need to think about some things. And you need to rest. It seems that the panic attack drained you." He guides to the bed but I stop him.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I will be." He says quietly.

"I'm sorry, Nathan. I didn't mean to scare you."

"I know." He continues guiding me to the bed.

As I get under the covers, I pull the baby blue hoodie over my head, letting it conceal me from the world.

Nathan grabs my arm and caresses it before letting it go."We still need to talk over this with more calm. We're not done with this conversation, but for now just go rest." He tells me and I nod.

The moment my brother exits the doom, I stare at the door for a few seconds before I turn to my side and cry silently.

This is all my fault.

○○○

THIS MIGHT BE THE LONGEST CHAPTER SO FAR.

BUT WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE!

THIS IS TOO EXCITING FOR ME. I JUST HAVE THE SUDDEN URGE TO JUMP FROM JOY.

ALOS, GUYS GUYS GUYS! THERE IS A CHAPTER I AM EXCITED FOR.

IT'S COMING SOON.

SOOOOOON.