Double update because it's my sixteenth birthday tomorrow so I wont be posting.

September 26th:

Elias and Isha have grown to be exceptional study partners, most of their time after lectures now spent at The Bean. Their friendship is wholly platonic, but Elias will admit she is beautiful. A pretty that isn't like Mara's sharp exterior, a second glance stunning. But a softer manner where she emits light in even the dullest of disturbances. She is easy to get along with as Elias finds himself enjoying her daily company.

They now wander down the congested streets, Elias aware of her arm brushing against his. Although sparks don't ignite underneath his skin, he feels her warmth encasing his. They have to stick close as bodies push into them around all sides of the walkway.

Entering into the familiar coffee shop, the concentrated smell of coffee and conversation permits his senses. He doesn't expect those penetrating blue eyes, as clear as the cloudless skies, to find his surprised ones. It isn't Ray, the regular barista and struggling college companion, behind the counter. Rather someone he figured he'd never see again other than in retention.

Mara blinks deliberately, her long lashes brushing against her eyelids before her eyes flicker towards Isha. He can see those blues register in appreciation at the lilac hair, Elias taking a step away from Isha in rejoinder. Her brown eyes, glancing up at him at the movement. Sensing the pulling tension of the two characters.

Of course, she knows who Mara is and what she is to Elias. It would be almost impracticable not to know if you attended the same high school as them. They were what the school whirred about for months, the strange occurring friendship between the two "freaks".

"Sorry," Elias mumbles, tugging Isha's hand as he pulls her forwards. He has no reason to feel blameworthy as he isn't doing anything wrong. But the melancholy that flickers over Mara's expression makes his chest hurt, his ears buzzing in uncharted territory. They've never been this awkward, this unfamiliar with each other.

Almost as if reminding him it is truly over, they don't match anymore.

She looks much more stable, more light placed on her expression rather than the cloud that always seemed to be there. The ivory scars on her wrists are faded in the sunlight. Like the first day he met her all over again, he is left voiceless at the sight of her; her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, an apron tied around her waist.

"Hey," she smiles softly as he takes a step towards her. Below the counter, her hands wring together in apprehension. She'd taken this job so she could afford rent, never had she expected that Elias would come here.

California was a comprehensive state, and the odds of their paths crossing should have been slim.

Should have, but they are Elias and Mara, the two who should have never met but did. Nothing about them makes sense, including the tightness building between them. It has been a month. A month apart, that should have tamed this emotion.

"You look, um, good," he disentangles his throat, his eyes thrown towards space behind her shoulder. He studies the board as if the chalked-out words, scribbled in her handwriting, are the most captivating thing in the world. He avoids her eyes that make his pulse race, so much brewing in those irises.

"I- thanks," she grins. The silence around them grows more deafening, gravity placed in the space between. Neither seems to know what to say. Or, at least, how to say what they desire to.

Isha, realizing they will get nowhere, steps forward, a barrier between Mara and Elias. She abandons Elias' hand, trying to silently tell Mara that she is making no moves. Instead, she beams, asking for two coffees and making a comment about how Mara really does look better.

Isha is an observer, she watches with quiet eyes. It had been obvious when Mara would miss months of school on end, that there was something more happening. Though she didn't believe the rumors that Mara was pregnant or in a gang, she made her own hypotheses.

"I'll see you around?" Mara drones. Elias's eyes find hers.

"Maybe we, um, shouldn't," he shakes his head. Not that he doesn't want to. If anything, he craves to run into her arms. But if it will be this suffocating each time they met, then he would ultimately submerge. Elias's life, after two years, is finally in a stable place. He doesn't need the drama and the heartache of who they are together.

"Oh, okay," Mara nods, "your right."

And that is it, the final string clinging them together, cut. 

- Elias's Journal -

What happens when the one that was supposed to be forever is gone? Do you drown in all the feeling of heartache, or do you swim towards the land of who you could become? Do you let yourself crumble like the feeble structure you feel like, or do you rebuild your walls and start anew?

First loves are the ones who will break your heart.

I loved a girl, and she left. I loved a girl, and she broke. I loved a girl, and she drowned. A piece of me would always be hers, but I need to learn to go on alone.

As I weep into my pillow, as I stain my sheets with the tears unshed, I'll remember all the happy moments we had. The secrets whispered under blind stars, the kisses shared in the depths of night, when everything seemed possible. When we believed that shooting stars really make wishes come true.

A teacher once asked what moment has had the most impact on me, and I figured it was the day I was assaulted by my aunt. But it was the day I met you, Mara, because it was the day I changed.

I will cherish the way we looked at each other as if we were everything because you were my sun and stars. I will remember you because you were a piece of my perplexity. You, Mara, will always be my first love, and nobody can take that away from you.

But I will learn how to go on alone because I need to see what it's like without feeling like dying. Without my feelings for you clouding the world so bright while to me, it felt so decrepit. I need to learn what it's like not living off of your feelings, so I can fix my own.

Maybe we will meet again, and maybe we will love again. But as for now, I am rebuilding myself simply by myself, and you will learn to swim alone because it is what we need.

A letter to you, my first and forever love.

---

Authors Note:

It felt so wrong writing, also why it's so short. But this isn't the end...

Thoughts?

Like & comment.

- Nia

Edited 4/8/22