I love you. It sucks.

- lots of people

October 18th:

Elias's mom had called him earlier to tell him they are going to Nana Ioanna's for a thanksgiving feast. Unlike last time, when Elias went to his room and broke down in pain, he sucks in a breath of air. Pinching his eyes shut, he forces them open to stare at himself in the mirror, nodding his head softly as a smile takes over his face.

He had told her okay, with no trace of sadness in his speech. Though his stomach twisted slightly at the idea of seeing those hazel-eyes that looked so much like his aunts, Elias will survive. He knows this as he clasps the sides of the sink, his fingertips turning white as his smile stretched in the reflection.

He will be okay. This is the first time he realizes it and believes it. Elias has been getting a lot better in the time he's met Mara, even in the time he's been at college. The nightmares have diminished to quick flashbacks that he easily breathes through. Even the thought of seeing Luella, his once best friend, doesn't send him into hyperventilation.

Though his innocent cousin is not his attacker, she looks so similar to her mother that it is almost impossible for him not to reminisce. He'd isolated himself from her without any intimation, and he knows he owes her an explanation. Not that he can outright come and tell her what happened to him. He still has to figure out how to break the news to his parents that he was assaulted when he was fifteen by his mother's sister.

Her eyes so green, like a cat, her hair the color of ravens. His aunt had been mentally insane. It was discovered after she killed herself a month later. She had borderline personality disorder. At least that's what the doctors had said, that her actions weren't her fault, she would seemingly have not even retained what happened. 

But they didn't know the extent of her actions. Only Elias was riddled with that darkness. A part of him felt derelict, despising what she did to him when she didn't even know what was happening at the moment, her tears on his face. The other part of him felt enraged because Elias never got that reassurance. He never got to confront her because she was dead.

He will never get that, and his aunt took that from him as well. She took a lot from him, his innocence for one, and he will never get it back.

Standing over her grave while the unrelenting rain soaks your suit and tie, worn because you need to look formal. Sobbing into the bracing wind didn't ease any of the pain that had become him.

What did ease the pain in his fortitude?

Having Mara hold him in the middle of the night and tell him it will all be alright, that she will be there for him always. She was the first person he let in, let get anywhere close to him. He didn't flinch around her touch and even savored their kisses as they were his. His skin on her skin, their warmth, tangling into whatever friction they'd devised. So, of course, upon finding out the news he would have to see Luella and not breaking down, he called her.

He called her when maybe he shouldn't have because he said space. He called her in the middle of the night like their phone calls shared over the past few weeks. He wakes her because the first thing he thinks of after talking with his mother is Mara. And that has to mean something.

---

"So our late-night calls have moved to late-night drives, huh?" Mara snorts, opening the passenger side door to his car. It is Will's, actually, but Elias borrows it for the evening.

They say the city never sleeps, it is genuine. Where they are at, in the thick of it, building lights irradiated every inch. People still assemble around club and bar admissions. Some dressed in stilettos while others are downed in sneakers. Loud cheers erupt from inside the buildings, the booming base of music can be felt even inside the vehicle. Elias doesn't drive into the city, though, rather outside of it.

"We are acting as if this is normal," Elias speaks, glancing over at Mara, one hand rested on the steering wheel. The other falls to her knee, which is bouncing, she hadn't even realized. His palm fans over her exposed skin, sending goosebumps up her arms.

Luckily she is wearing a sweatshirt, the darkness inside the car veiling her blush. Her skin is golden from the California sun, but that pinkish tint is still evident on her heated cheeks. She never used to blush before. Not with Liam, ever.

"Our little CIA mission, huh. Fine by me as long as we can at least get food?" Mara glances over at him, taking his hand off her bouncing knee, her foot tapping against the car floor. He goes to move it back to the steering wheel, but she catches it in her grip, twining their fingers together. Her hand perfectly fit inside his, like magnets, his thumb brushing her palm in calming circles.

"What are you thinking, my victim?" Elias plays along, lowering his voice an octave while a smirk falls onto his lips. They are driving outside of the city, her apartment and everything else disappearing behind them, while the open road continues to wind forwards. The fume of smoke and mist fills the open windows as they let in the warm autumn air.

"Maybe we raid that gas station," Mara sticks her hand out into the air, towards the broken-down place. It is eerily tranquil, the one lamppost producing a dull, flickering light. There is only one gas pump, and it looks defective. Though the sign on the building read open, the lights inside are conscious.

"And get haunted, no thank you," Elias shakes his head, turning the music up so as to not be drowned out by the wind. Mara levels him a look, almost questioning his confidence.

"You kidnap me. The least you can do is buy me food," Mara smirks, nodding her head towards the station. Huffing a breath, Elias gives in, swerving the car at the last minute, so they just make the driveway leading up to it. There is a shed across the street from the gas station. What looks to be, at one point, a house now is just a pile of wood ricked together.

"Let's go, my lady," Elias pulls into the parking lot, only one other broken down car there as well. Mara glimpses over at Elias, her iridescent sights darting towards the shadowed building before back at his brown irises.

"I think I'll wait in the car." Elias glowers at her, grunting before sidling out of the car. She watches him enter through the smudged glass door, glancing over his shoulder once at her before being swallowed into the station.

It is then that Mara can breathe, falling against the leather of her seat and sinking into its shape. The gale from the open window still pulsates against her face as she tilts her chin towards it, breathing in the oxygen as her own. She is suffocating, as if all of their unspoken words are placed on her throat, pushing.

She is trying not to drown, to stay above her thoughts and the feelings that pull her heartstrings. But she can't go on with scorning whatever is happening with them. The calls in the middle of the night are much more intimate than either admit and ignoring this is just making her go absurd.

She feels like a side piece, someone only yearned by Elias to be seen at night. He spends most of his days with Isha, which is fine, but it stings Mara nevertheless.

But as Elias saunters back out, two plastic bags with food and a smile on his face, she can't do it. She won't tell him how she feels inside her head because she is afraid he will run away. He had said space, after all, and she'd broken that. They are just ignoring so many of their rules right now, and she doesn't want to ruin that.

To lose the sliver of him she has, the piece she's so desperately holding on too, anxious it will leave. She allows her voice to be stolen by the wind, pushing it all to the back of her mind.

"So I just got one of everything," he dumps the contents on the middle compartment, glancing over at Mara. She is too withdrawn, her face impassive, but he can tell something is wrong. He knows her and her expressions, this character is reflecting. Her teeth, nibbling on her bottom lip.

"What's up?" He says, staring the car back up. He pulls out of the parking lot, with no place in mind but ahead.

"I'm just thinking," she shakes her head, glancing towards him with a reassuring smile. "What are you doing for Halloween?"

Elias snorts, amused, turning down the road that seems to lead towards the water. The full moon ahead of them as they drive, the sky relatively clear of most stars but the few that sprinkle the black canvas of dusk. Like Van Gogh's painting, it is almost too perfect to be real. Mara wishes to touch it, to be a piece of this painting so they can last forever.

"My roommate has me going to something with him," Elias shakes his head. Will had invited him to some Halloween bash at one of the frat houses, which Elias wasn't looking forward to. But he owes Will, who let him borrow his car, and that is his payment.

"Well, you need a costume," Mara smirks, munching on some of the chips he had bought, a few crumbs falling onto her lap. She racks her mind for ideas, laughing at the image of Elias in a leotard that flashes through her subconscious.

"You won't catch me in a costume," Elias shakes his head, stealing one of her chips. Mara bats his hand away, to which he laughs.

"What about a pirate?" Mara suggests, sipping on her blueberry Slurpee.

"Why?" He laughs, pulling into the empty parking spot. The beach is just below them, but they don't get out of the car, just resting inside of it. Mara pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them. Her head, rests on the head of the seat, so she is looking at him. Her eyes adjust to the dark.

"Pirates are cute," Mara giggles, stealing more chips. They are salty, licking her lips, Elias's eyes fall towards the movement. Mara looks away, her face heating up as she stares out towards the water, just stumbling into this moment.

"They are," Elias replies, but he is looking at her.

---

Authors Note:

next chapter is fun

like, comment, whatever else you guys do.

- Nia

Edited 4/8/22