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 Chapter Thirty-Five

“Well? What is it?”

            I feel blood rushing through my ears and I look away from his curious eyes. I will end up giving in and just pushing it off until later. If I don’t tell him now, he’ll hate me when he finds out from someone else. And even if right now is a bad time, later will be even worse. I know from experience.

            “It’s Penny…,” I begin. I can do this. I can. “She’s….”

        “Penny? She’s what?” Lee still looks dazed and dizzy but seems to realize something’s wrong because he scrunches his eyebrows together, sobering up. He wipes his face of the drying tears.

        “She, uh, I, erm,” I stammer. I stand abruptly. “I need some water, if you’ll excuse me.” I itch my neck and fake a cough. “Throat’s kind of dry. You can have some moments to yourself too if you need it. I’ll be back though. ”

        Lee looks even more confused but he nods and sits back into the couch. I am walking across the living room when he calls my name, “Ivory?”

        I halt and I swear I feel myself sweating. Slowly, I turn. “Yeah?”

        His face is serious for a long time—well, I think it’s a long time but I don’t know because I’m too busy panicking that he probably already knows and is just messing with me before he breaks up with me for being a shit girlfriend to him—but then I breathe a sigh of relief when his face transforms into a sly smirk. “Why don’t you go feed your cat too?”

        My eyebrows raise. “My cat? I don’t have a—oh.”  

        He knows something is up.

        “Y-Yeah,” I stutter, my hands flailing towards the kitchen. “I’ll go do that. Ha-ha, good joke, Lee!” I think I say it too enthusiastically because he tilts his head to the side in that Lee way and I know he’s seconds away from asking what really is wrong.  “Be right back!” And then I run to the kitchen and as soon as I’m away from his eyes, I lean down on my knees and do some breathing exercises. I must look like a moron.

       Get a fucking grip, Ivory! I yell to myself. You’re going to lose him no matter what you do but at least don’t lie to the guy. Enough of that. I know my conscience is right. Either way I will end up losing him. It doesn’t matter if the child is his or not. He has a company, a future, a life he has to keep moving on. His mother to take care of. Penny. I’m just a girl and I have nothing but my love for him. He needs more than what I can offer.

        Responsibility will come first for Lee. It’s why I love him. And it’s why I’ll support any decision he makes, even if I don’t want him to make any.

        I stand, pace around for a couple minutes. I jump up and down lightly a couple times like I’m some pro wrestler about to head into the ring and then I walk out of the kitchen.

        “Lee Richardson,” I say, walking towards him and looking at the floor, “Penny is pregnant.”

        I breathe a sigh of relief after I say it because at least I don’t have to worry about that anymore. But then I almost throw a lamp because in front of me, Lee is already asleep, his knees tucked into his chest as he rests his head on the arm of the sofa. He looks like a small child.

        “Not again,” I mutter, smacking my forehead with my hand. “Damn it!” I kick the coffee table in frustration and take a seat beside him.

        He stirs in his sleep but doesn’t wake. “Ai-voe-ry,” he mumbles, my name mashed up in his sleep. Lee’s hair has grown longer and slightly slips into his forehead. I do the ultimate while-your-significant-other-is-sleeping move and push it back, running my hands through his hair more than necessary. His hair is soft and smells like vanilla with some spice.

        “You’re so stupid, I hate you,” I mutter, letting my hand drop. “I swear I do.”

        “I love you,” he murmurs in his sleep. “I really do.”

        I narrow my eyes. He can’t really be responding to me. “Are you awake?” I shake his shoulder a little and wiggle my fingers in front of his face but he doesn’t respond. He must have weird sleeping habits.

        “Idiot,” I call. There’s a piece of grass stuck on his cheek and I peel it off. “Idiot. Stupid.”

        For the next ten minutes, I pick off the grass off his face before wiping the mud away with a cloth. I put ointment on the small cuts and bandaids on the bigger ones. It looks like some thorns cut him but other cuts are deeper. He must’ve ran into the bushes and hugged them or something and then fell on the roses nearby.

        I’m gently placing the last bandage on his jaw when he wakes. His jaw has always been a sensitive place but I had been really careful to tiptoe around the area.

        “Ivory?” he says, his eyes half open and slowly fluttering close again.

        “Shut up and sleep,” I say. I don’t know why I’m angry but I am. Probably because I finally got myself ready and prepped up to tell him that his somewhat ex-fiance is pregnant but then he ends up sleeping. I’ll probably never have the guts to do that again.

        “No,” he refuses even though his eyes are telling him otherwise. He tugs my arm and sends my face landing on his chest. “Come closer.” Lee puts his arms around me and falls back asleep.

        I try to pry myself off of him. “I can’t. I have school.”

        “Just a little while,” he mumbles, moving around to get comfortable. I sigh and then give in and snuggle closer to him. I don’t want to be alone tonight anyway. And a little while can’t hurt. I wrap my arms around his torso and press the side of my cheek against his chest. “Good night, I love you,” he whispers into my hair.

        He falls asleep before I can reply. I whisper, “I love you, too.”

        I attempt to sleep, I really do. But I can’t. My brain is spewing a billion thoughts per minute on what to do and at night time, my thoughts are loud and hurtful and true. It doesn’t help Lee is pressed up against me, smelling like alcohol, vanilla, and his signature spearmint. He’s everywhere. His warmth, his hands around my back, his lips in my hair.

        What if I lose this? What if I lose him? And in that moment, I realize it’s not “if” I lose him it’s “when” and the thought sends burning tears into my eyes.

        “I don’t want to lose you—I don’t,” I say to his chest. My eyes water and sure enough I feel a familiar wetness down my cheeks. “I want to stop crying. I don’t want to be weak but I can’t help it. You’re a stupid quack and I hate you for making me feel so dismantled. I’ve never been this afraid to lose people. I want my mom. I want my family. I want you.”

        Why am I talking to his chest? I don’t know. It’s better this way because it feels like I’m just talking to a wall and I’d never say these things to his face. How cowardly of me, I know.

            I want to scream at myself. I want—need—to get it together. It’s going to be harder for Lee. He’s going to be forced to take care of a child and marry Penny for the rest of his life probably no matter how this works out. Not that he won’t be a good father but he doesn’t love Penny the way she wants him to. It’s going to be as much torture for him as me and I need to get that through my head.

        I’ll tell him in the morning. That’s final.

        After a few more pep talks with myself and going through options on how in the world I could work this out without broken hearts, I fall asleep. I mean I don’t find any solutions to my problems but the drum of Lee’s heartbeat sends me into a peaceful slumber. But I could’ve sworn I felt him hugging me tighter and whispering, “I’ll never leave.”  

        I’m definitely losing it.

In the morning, I know I’m late before I even get up. It’s just a feeling I get. I jump off the couch and run to the bathroom, doing three hundred things at once. I’m dressed and clean within twenty minutes and I rush to get my backpack. It’s only when I run by the couch again that I realize Lee isn’t here. In place of him, there’s a note:

        Sorry for last night and forcing my problems onto you, love. I promise it won’t happen again. I hope you have a really nice day at school.

                    From my heart to yours, Lee. ♥

                The ink bleeds through the paper where the heart is. How he can be so cute, I don't know.

            And even though I’m rushing, I stop and kind of just absorb how lucky I am to have ever run into a guy like him and to share such great moments with him. I feel different now that he’s shown me parts of himself he’s never shown anyone. Seeing him crying in my arms, opening his heart for me, it’s a bigger difference than I could’ve imagined.

            “What a loser,” I whisper, folding the note neatly and tucking it into my bag. If anything bad happens during the day or week, I’ll just reread it. I ignore the small but growing feeling of guilt clawing at me from the inside. I still haven’t told him….

            School is busy yet boring. I fall into the autopilot mode of myself, just getting by. My teachers are very gentle with me, as if I can break. News has gone around as it has seems. Mom’s coma is known by everyone and I can’t help but notice all the pity stares I get from teachers and other strangers. But it does work out in a way. I can take advantage of the pity card and use it against teachers who give me more time to meet deadlines.

            Lunch is probably my new most favorite thing in the world.

            I get some kind of a burger (God knows what they serve us) and sit down in my chair. Okay, more like slouch until I’m basically falling out of the chair, but hey, it’s been a rough and tiring day. Candy appears a few minutes later. She’s angry and slams her lunch bag down on the table.

            “Guess you must be having a rougher day than me,” I say, sitting up so my spine doesn’t break or something. “You okay?”

            She’s red and angry, her hands squeezed into fists. “No!”

            “Do I want to know why?”

            Candy opens up her brown lunch bag and yanks out an apple. She bites—chomps—on it and sends a glare at me. “Your brother sucks.”

        “Oh no, what’d he do? It’s only been a day,” I say, sighing. Brent is going to realize he’s messing with the wrong girl if he gets Candy really angry. She’s a whole other person when she’s in her crazy, rage mode. Just yesterday it seemed they were a couple madly in love.

        She takes out her peanut butter sandwich wrapped in a ziplock bag and slams her fist down on it repeatedly until it’s flat. Ouch. “He just got back to Florida last night but he uploaded a picture of him at a party the same night!”

            I shrug. “Well, he is Brent. That’s not too bad compared to his usual tactics.”

            “There was a girl on his lap!”

            “Oh,” I say. “That changes everything.”

            “Yeah!” Candy opens up the ziplock bag and takes out her sandwich. One quick look at it before she puts it back inside and continues pulverizing it. “I finally tell him my feelings—which I’ve kept secret, like, forever!—and he just plays me off like that? He just says stupid things like how he’s going to try with me because he’s not used to actual dating? And then he goes and parties and forgets all about me? What a jerk!”

        “True,” I agree. I guess Brent hasn’t changed. It’s a shame because him and Candy really seemed like it would work out. “I tried warning you all these years. He’s a womanizer, Candy. It’s what he does. It’s in his blood. You can find another guy.”

        She glares at me and I slowly back up like I’m in front of a hungry tiger. Suddenly, her face crumples and she’s frowning. Her eyes are on her lap and she says, “But, Ivory, I just can’t. I know you think it’s silly but I really do like him. There’s more to him than his womanizing ways, I swear. I just…I don’t know what I’m doing.”

        This immediately makes me feel like a bitch. Candy has always been there for me, even with my stupid let’s-lie-about-being-with-a-billionaire plan. And now that my brother is being a total pain to her, I can’t even support her? I need to be a better friend. I need to make sure what’s happened before jumping to deeper conclusions.

        I stand. “I know what I have to do. I got your back.”

        “Where are you going?” Candy says with confused eyes.

        “I’m calling the stupid asshole that is my brother,” I say, heading for the bathroom right next to the cafeteria. It takes about ten seconds for that to register to Candy but I’m already opening the bathroom door before she realizes.

        “No!” she screams across the cafeteria and everyone stares at her. She jumps out of her seat, chasing after me. “No! Don’t do it! He’s going to think I’m clingy!”

        I run into the bathroom, get in the biggest stall, and lock it. There are other people in the bathroom but I ignore them. I hear Candy open the door and come in but I’m already dialing the number. “Candy, this is for your own good!” I tell her.  

        She bangs on the stall door. “I swear to god, Ivory!”

        Brent picks up on the third ring. “Too late,” I say and then press the phone up against my ear. “Hello? Brent?”

        “Yo!” he says, not a worried tone in his voice. “Wait…why are you calling? Is everything okay? Is it Mom? Did something happen?” That part makes me feel bad but how dare he make a fool of my best friend? I love him, but sorry, not today.

         “No, nothing’s wrong,” I answer. I walk around the large stall. “Just kidding, there is something wrong. Why did you have a girl on your lap in that picture from yesterday?”

        “What picture?”

        I roll my eyes. “I thought you were serious about Candy, Brent.”

        “I am!”

        Candy starts jumping to see what I’m doing. She’s too short but she’s yelling, “Stop, Ivory! No!” Sometimes, I got to do what I got to do.

        “Then who’s the girl?” I ask. “You just got back last night and you went to a party?”

        Brent sighs. “I was just having a good time, I swear. I didn’t hook up with anyone. I am serious about her, Ivory.” I hear him shuffling on the other side. “And I just checked the picture. That’s Mariam.”

        “Nobody cares who she is, Brent,” I say. “What is she doing on your lap? Candy feels really…” What can I say to make him worry too? “Dissapointed.”

        “What?”

        I’ve got him. “Yeah, you should’ve seen her face. She already expected it. She just sighed and moved on. In fact, this new dude who totally likes her has been catching her attention.” What a lie, but hey, things need to be done if Brent’s going to keep playing girls.  But I need to really control this lying thing I have going on. “If you’re not serious, I think Candy would be much happier with him.”

        “Ivory, listen—”

        At that moment, Candy’s head pops up from under the stall door. “Gross,” she says, making a face because she’s touching the bathroom floor. She looks up at me and mouths, “Hang up right now!”

        I shake my head and continue walking around in a circle. “Oh, wow, look, I think I see that cute kid that likes her talking to her right now!” I say to Brent.

        Candy gives me a look. “What are you doing?” she whisper-shouts.

        “Ivory! Tell him to get the hell away from my girl!” Brent growls.

        “Your girl? Yeah, okay,” I say. He needs a little more push. “Oh my gosh, I think he’s hugging her right now! Brent, you lost your chance with her, what can ya do—”

        “Ivory!” Candy screams at the same time Brent yells, “She’s a lesbian!”

        “She’s a lesbian?” I say, confused.

        “She’s a lesbian,” Brent reassures.

        “She’s a lesbian?” Candy says, stopping mid crawl as she’s reaching out to grab me.

        Brent sighs. “Yes, Mariam is one of my closest friends and she has a girlfriend named Taylor. She’s really good at Calculus and I need her help for upcoming exams. She’s also a crazy party animal,” he adds, laughing.

        “Oh…,” I say. I look down at Candy and she’s glaring at me, her stare evil enough to get me scared. “Ha-ha, then I was just kidding, Brent! Candy loves you and is your one and only ha ha, Brandy forever!” I hang up then, ending the call and deciding my escape routes before Candy gets her claws on me. But judging by her face, I won’t get far.

I don’t see Lee for the next few days. He has some important deal coming up and I have school, visiting Mom, and graduation to squeeze into my schedule. Exams are rough and I find myself cramming every night and every chance I get. Even though college applications have been sent, I don’t want them to think just because I’m graduating that I’m slacking. I think I do fairly well on them and when prom rolls around, I feel good.

        “What do you mean you don’t have a dress?” Candy yells. We’re in my car and I’m dropping her home. Prom is tonight. Six hours to go. I’m actually excited.

        I shrug. “I can just pull something up, don’t worry.”

        She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. You are definitely not wearing some random dress you’ve probably worn a million times. This is prom. It’s the real deal, kid.”

        “Well, I’m broke. I haven’t gone back to work since Mom’s been in the hospital,” I tell her. Her face changes a little but she still looks determined.

        “What about the money you’ve been saving from past working?” she asks.

        “Uh,” I say, “I’m saving it for something important, like, college books, you know?”  

        “Buy that later!”

        “College books are worth more than prom dresses!” I argue.

        “What about Lee? What time is he picking you up tonight?” Candy picks up a bag of chips I haven’t opened from the backseat and pops it open. She looks at it before rolling it up, probably deciding that she doesn’t want to appear bloated for the dance.

        I scoff. “Like I’d ask him.”

        “You haven’t asked him?” she screams and I swear I almost crash into a tree. A car honks behind me for my reckless driving and I apologize under my breath as I get back into the lane. Even speaking of Lee sends my driving like his.

        “Please,” I say, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear. “He’s not someone you can just bring to prom. I can’t just ask a billionaire with adult responsibilities, Hey, you want to go to prom, cutie? I mean he’d probably laugh in my face or make up some lame excuse that he’s busy.”

        Candy groans in frustration. “You are hopeless.”

            “Thanks, love you too,” I say as I pull up on her driveway. “I’ll see you in an hour for makeup and photos?”

            She turns and looks at me, frowning and her hands crossed across her chest. “I’m not going anywhere,” she announces.

            I narrow my eyes. “I know you love me, Candy, but I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no.”

            Candy sighs. “If we go now, we can find a dress for