Chapter Forty-Nine

Daniel walks me to my door even though it's a bit of a risk with the Hitler and all. I linger in the hallway, playing with my keys in my hands but not actually opening the door. The pale fluorescent lights wash out the tan in his skin but still his eyes are shining as they look at me. My heart's beating fast for no reason.

               "So, thanks for another great Times Square escapade," I say, fiddling with the key that unlocks the dorm. I can't seem to look him in the eyes. "See you tomorrow?"

           He nods and makes a noise in agreement. "Yeah."

           I look up and he has his hands on his hips but he's staring off into space. His eyebrows are pinched and his mouth is pursed in thought. "Daniel?" I say.

           "Mm," he says, but his eyes hold a sheen over them as if he's not really here. I don't talk for a minute and when his ears start realizing the silence, his head snaps up, hazel eyes alert. "Sorry, what?"

            "You okay? You've been zoning out the entire way home." And I know why but what I don't know is why I'm tip-toeing around the subject. Are we just going to ignore and forget the whole Daniel putting his head on my stomach thing and me responding with touching his hair? It wasn't like we kissed but still....What even are we anymore?

            "I...Yeah, I'm fine," he says, standing straight as if deciding to play along with me to pretend like it never happened. He nods profusely and runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah, okay, see you tomorrow."

              "Bye," I say as he smiles fakely and then turns to head down the hallway to the elevator. I stand there for a while just watching him walk away. Holy hells...what just happened on that train ride home?

             Suddenly, Daniel stops an inch from the elevator like a deer caught in headlights. At first, I panic because I think the Hitler is here but he straightens and then turns around. My eyes widen before I start to rapidly shove my key into the doorknob, trying to make it seem as if I wasn't staring at him as he left. I hear the swift movement of his feet but I act like it's something casual.

           Then he's in front of me, tugging on my left arm, and looking at me straight in the eyes. His mouth moves to form words but he shuts his eyes and sighs before actually talking. With a reddening face, he says, "I was going to ignore it but I can't. I just fucking can't. What the hell was that back there?"

             What do I do? Do I act like I don't know what's happening? Do I just nonchalantly answer? Should I be breathing? I don't know.

           "Back where?"

            "The train, Ivory. Don't play dumb."

           "Well, back on the train, you sat down and I stood up and people shoved around us and we almost missed our stop but we ran and then we quickly walked home before curfew and—"

            "Ivory."

           "Okay!" I say, giving up and throwing my hands up. "I...I don't know what happened there, okay? It was you! You put your head on me and I don't know why you did that but then I guess I was sort of okay with it and yeah!"

            "Well, I only did that because you've been staring at me weirdly all day and it isn't the type of stares you give your 'pals', Ivory. You've started staring at me the way I've always stared at you! Well, that sounds weird, and I just mean—I don't—Gah!" he cries and then he takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. Daniel puts them back on. "I like you! Okay? You told me you weren't looking for anything like that and I said okay but then you start looking at me that way and it's hard to fucking ignore and you're mixing me up!"

               "I'm mixing you up? You're the one who made the first move!"

             "I've been making moves the last two months!"

            "Yeah, well...well...." I stare from place to place. "I just noticed, okay!"

           "Does that mean you're noticing me or what?" he asks, throwing his hand in the air. "Does that mean you're finally emotionally ready for a relationship or dates or...? Talk to me."

              I'm breathing fast. "I...I don't know!"

               He sighs and groans and something in between. "I don't know either! All I know is I really like you and I've started to like you more and more and I know you said you're not ready but these mixed signals have got me up the walls. I just really want to hold you right now."

            "Ugh! Then do it!"

            "Do what?"

              "Do it!" I don't want to say it.

             And then he gently places his hand on the small of my back and pulls me snugly to him until my cheek is pressed where is heart is. "This?" he asks, frantic. I want to see if I'll feel something.

             "Yes!" I yell. Why are we yelling in the hallway? Are we trying to get in trouble? His heartbeat is as fast and erratic as mine and I can tell we're both breathing uneasily. We're a mess, to be honest.

              "This is weird," Daniel says and then he places his arms around my shoulders and digs his head into the crook of my neck. "You smell like apples. Jesus fuck! I better not be falling for you already even after you rejected me, like, twice. I am a sad excuse of a man."

             My fingers clasp each other after I wrap my arms around his torso. Hugging feels so good and it's been a while since I truly hugged someone like this. I pull him tighter to me and close my eyes as I just listen to him breathing. Where would the human species be without hugs? I'm silent for a good two minutes along with Daniel.

          He pulls away first, eyes searching for the answer on my face. "What the fuck does this mean?"

          I shrug, panicked. "I don't know. I think I'm developing feelings for you but I don't know, okay? I'm not really good at this and I don't even know if I'm over this other guy who's taken over my life but we're over but it doesn't feel like it and I also want you but I don't know!"

          Daniel hugs me again. "That sounds confusing but two things are clear to me. One, I like you. Two, I might have a chance so I'm going to keep dropping my killer moves on you and maybe it'll start being clear for you, too."

              "A girl can only hope," I murmur as I hug him back. Trust me, Daniel, nobody else wants my feelings to be more clear than myself.

            "Listen," he says against the top of my head, his voice muffled by my hair, "I want to take you somewhere. I just want to talk."

              I pull back. "We just went somewhere and it's almost midnight."

             "It's not far," he says. "But I want you to know I'm serious even though we're acting pretty fucking lunatic right now. I really like you. I don't care how you feel because I won't give up. Well, I care how you feel. I just won't let it drag me down. At first, when you rejected me, I thought oh there's other fish in the sea and college is just the beginning and that it wasn't like I was in love with you. Now? I'm not so sure."

               My cheeks feel like they're on fire. "What're you saying?"

            "You're the chosen one," he says in a dark, ominous voice. I slap his forearm lightly. "Sorry, I can't be serious. But, really. I want to be yours and I'm willing to wait."

             "You might be...waiting a long time." I look down at the ground and all I hear is Lee's soft voice when he sings and all I see is not the blue of the carpet in the hallways, but the blue of his eyes. I knew it since I found out Penny was pregnant and maybe before then. He could break my heart a million times and I would go back in a heartbeat if he simply asked.

               He steps back and a small prick of fear of being alone sets in. He's going to leave and give up and I'm a horrible person for liking him while loving someone else but being lonely is terrifying. But Daniel doesn't. His hand slips from my shoulder to my hand and he pulls me. "Just follow me."

              So, I do. We take the elevator to the floors that belong to the boys. A loud thump surrounds the elevator once we ease down to Daniel's floor.

             Once the doors open, a tall shirtless boy jumps in front of us with a rubber sword. He pushes it under our necks and Daniel rolls his eyes. "Who goes there?" the boy says in a pirate accent.

            "Look, Jason, it's obviously me. I'm not Hitler. Can I go now?" Daniel says like an annoyed child talking to a strict parent.

            Jason pulls away the sword, looks at me, looks back to Daniel and has the nerve to smirk before stepping away. "Have fun, Danny."

           "Shut up," Daniel says, shaking his head and taking my hand again. He pushes past Jason and just when I think the worst is over, I almost gasp at the hallway before me.

             All the lights are off but there are people everywhere wearing glow-in-the-dark necklaces and bracelets. People have neon clothing on and someone's set up black lights everywhere, the lights that make white and neon pop out. Some people even have glow in the dark paint on their face and hand-prints all over their bodies. There's loud chatter and music blasting from a room.

              "Holy shit," I whisper, taking it all in. Does this count as my first college party?

             "Welcome to the seventh floor, where we have parties every Friday and leave cocaine in the kitchen," Daniel mutters, sliding past people and cups on the floor. He takes out his dorm key and unlocks his dorm at the end of the hall. "Now you see why I got a single."

                 "That was someone from this floor? The cocaine?" I ask as he shuts the door behind us.

               "Yep," he answers, "and there's a lot more that goes on up here but some rich kid that lives in 7C bribes the Hitler to ignore everything that happens on this floor. The cocaine was a slip up."

             "Wow," I say, truly astonished. I take a seat on his bed. "You're not a part of that crowd?" Didn't Tanner say Daniel was a bit of a party animal himself?

                He raises his arm and scratches the back of his neck, looking away. "Well, I can't lie. I am but lately I just don't go. They're getting out of hand and besides, I have other things to do."

                I nod, looking around his room. It hits me that I'm usually the one he's hanging out with when these ragers happen. I look at him to apologize but he seems to be content not joining the insanity outside as he opens the windows to his room so I keep quiet. "So, why am I here again?"

                Daniel takes the two office chairs from his desk and puts them next to the window. "I thought we could sit and talk romantically next to the window," he says, winking. I raise my eyebrows. "Okay, I just opened the windows because the smell of weed is everywhere."

              I stand, taking a seat on the left chair. "Do you smoke?"

            "Sometimes," he replies and I have to mask the surprise from my face. "Not much anymore though."

            "Cool," I reply. Other people make their own decisions. I shouldn't be talking either since I had that impulsive and terrible cigarette with Jess some time back.

             "Stay here," he suddenly says, backing up to the door. "I'll be back."

             I don't have the chance to reply as he mockingly salutes and heads off into the battlefield that is the hallway. Where's he going? I don't know.

              Instead, I lean against the window, my head poking out into the night air. They should net these things. What if a student somehow falls out or drops something? It can kill pedestrians or the student. A cold breeze sweeps into the room and I put my face down, my cheeks pressing against my arms in a little cocoon.

              How did I get here?

              I start to fall asleep a minute or two later but the door opens and slams shut and it jolts me from my peaceful state. Writing essays till two in the morning and then drowning in classes during the day has taken a toll on me. How do some people have the energy to party after? I just want to nap.

                 "Back," Daniel announces and when he places a hot steaming mug on the window sill, I almost cry of joy. "Here's some honey milk for the princess. I make it the best, probably better than you."

             "Thanks." I lean back up, kicking off my shoes and curling into a ball on the chair. I take the mug in my hands. I smile at the memory of how Daniel and I met. "And I'll be the judge of that."

          "I almost died in the kitchen," he informs me, placing cup down next to mine. He walks to his bed, pulling the blanket off of it. "We have a really small kitchen on this floor—and I mean small—and these two guys were fighting while I was trying to make you a lovely drink. I almost got punched so you're welcome." He returns, wrapping a blanket around me and then sitting down to wrap the other half around him.

          I laugh, imagining Danny just popping in and out and between the fight saying something like can you pass the sugar before you throw another punch, please? or just dodging kicks and hooks. "Aren't you quite the hero?" I joke, sipping my honey milk. It tastes the same as any I would make. I mean, it's honey milk. There's only really one favor. But, I grin at him and say it tastes great anyway.

            Few moments pass as we both draw closer to keep warm, sipping our drinks as the floor vibrates with the bass from the other room. Outside, the city buzzes with honks and shouts.

          "So...I like you," Daniel says, staring straight ahead but speaking to me.

            "I figured," I say, jokingly smug.

              He scrunches his face. "Just kidding, I changed my mind." We both laugh before the atmosphere simmers down again. "Okay, serious time. I brought you down here because I want you to talk to me. How am I supposed to know what to do and not do? What you're ready for and not ready for? What are you scared of? I know you're not crazy about me...yet...but I am going crazy from this thing we have going on between us. I just need answers."

           I look at him and his messy hair and his glasses that have steamed up from the milk. "How can you like me a lot when I'm not reciprocating? That I might break your heart before I can accept it?"

         Daniel turns to me, his eyes more of a green in the moment. "They don't call it falling for nothing. Falling is unexpected, clumsy, messy, and really a hassle. They don't call it logically-thinking-and-finding-out-the-safe-results-of-dating-this-person in love. It's why love is so great and exhilarating and why I've chosen you as my person to fall for. I don't want to fall for anyone else. Well, you were just an option at first but now I really have no choice. But I know...you're worth it."

           "Baby, I'm worth it," I sing under my voice before clearing my throat and sitting straight. I'm not so good at being serious either. "And I guess I understand. Love is unexpected and...." I think of the dinner with Lee. "And ugly."

             "There it is," Daniel says, looking at me. I must look confused because he quickly answers, "That look you get. You're very hesitant about love or even flirting with me. That night you asked me to get you...what happened? You looked so...sad and you were crying. Was it a guy? Sorry if I'm being nosy. I truly want to know everything and know what's going on with you. I want to help and be here for you. Is there someone I need to beat up?"

             I take a quiet sip of the honey milk, the steam rising up and making my nose warm. "There is this guy. Was. Well, I don't know actually...."

              "And?"

            I put the mug down and hug my knees, the cold air spinning my hair around my face. "Our relationship started in the worst way possible. A lie," I tell him. Why am I telling him? It feels good to tell him. My mother is a good listener but it feels good to tell it to someone from top to bottom again who can judge the tale again.

         "That was a red warning sign itself. I hated him at first. He was arrogant and his ego was bigger than his heart. He stepped on people and made them feel small. But deep down, he cared more than he let on. He was human. It just got messier from there on out. One thing led to another. One minute, I was this girl with a small town life and then the next, I was a girl in love with someone way out of her league. But he liked me back. And then it got complicated because there was someone else involved. Too many petty love triangles. Too many problems. So many lies. Then, my mother got into an accident and now she's in a coma and there was too much to handle. He had a world waiting for him, a world that didn't and couldn't ever include me. I have my own future and my mother to worry about. It was honestly doomed from the start. But we were crazy to try."

              A silence sweeps over us, like a wave ready to take everyone under. The music thumps through the soft walls, a girl rapping, her voice muffled. Yet despite this, despite the lull of chattering and giggling screams and the city, I feel tiny and vulnerable.

             Daniel stares at his mug. "When did it end?"

            "It feels like yesterday but it's been a few weeks or so. It was unofficially over before then. He has a potential wife and kid waiting for him. And I still have the world to explore and take on."

            "Do you love him?"

           "Yes."

            "Are you in love with him?"

             "I...He was my first love. I don't know, honestly. Half of me believes I truly am and will be in love with him forever. The other half believes time will change my heart," I answer and it's the truth. "Sometimes, I wake up, and a thousands bricks hit me. What if what we had is what I would've searched for my entire life? And I lost it. Other times, it feels okay because I'm only an inexperienced teenager with so many relationships ahead, and one day, I'll look back and laugh. The problem is...I never know which is more true than the other."

             "I can change that."

             I turn to him and he's looking at me with his piercing, dark eyes. I freeze in his gaze. He's looking at me as if I am the sun that makes the world go round. There's nothing more I could ever ask for. "That's the thing, though. Half of me is unsure. I don't want to give you my unsure heart. You deserve it all."

              He leans in closer, his two large hands taking my hands. His thumbs caress my fingers, his eyes focused on them instead of my face. "It's okay," his voice low.

             "What is?" I ask, my voice fading to soft whisper.

            "To give me your heart piece by piece."

             "That's—that's not right. You—"

             His eyes cut me off. They're strong and determined but his voice is soft as a lullaby as he speaks. "I have my own dark past. My own first love and my own unsure heart. Everybody does. Some hide it better than others. But I have never felt so sure than when I look at you. You're breath-taking and funny and you make me feel weird inside. It started out as a joke, a fling I