I physically can't move.

My body is not cooperative, and my head is too having. I'm trying hard to keep nose-breathing, but large puffs of air are coming out of my mouth.

I stay like this for an hour before I move again—or attempt to move again.

Anything I do makes me feel nauseous. I sit up against the wall. That already was a huge effort.

I sit like that for five minutes before my phone buzzes on my nightstand. I slowly reach over and take my phone. I've gotten quite some new messages, mostly worried texts after I disappeared drunkenly from the party I started my night at.

The most recent text is from Del.

Hey, are you feeling okay after last night? Here if you want to talk x

I turn my phone off again. I can't handle looking at a screen for that long—I feel dizzy.

I slowly lift myself off the bed and reach for my robe before shuffling toward the bathroom. I turn the hot water on and jump in, letting myself get soaked.

The water feels so good. My muscles relax as I wash last night away. Showering always does me good when I have a hangover.

I stand like this in silence—no music on today.

"Ki, is that you?" I jump at the sound of the voice coming through the airshaft. So much for silence today.

I stay silent.

"Are you okay? I don't know if you remember, but I had to bring you home tonight. You were out of it."

I pick the skin around my nails nervously as I decide what to say to him. The silence lasts for a little longer.

In my head, I go over the events that happened last night. I think I was with Gabe for the beginning of the night until he went off with some guy and started making out with him. Is that right? My mind is so blurry.

Who was this guy? I'm not sure if it happened or if I made it up. I'm an unreliable narrator if it comes down to breaking up the details of the night. But then again, I'm pretty sure it happened.

Anyways, from that point, things started going badly. I was left alone with the alcohol and had too much of it. I started throwing up my guts in front of my ex—who is now trying to talk to me.

"I'm fine. Not feeling the best, but I'll live." I decide to tell him. "thanks for looking after me."

"Always." He says, sounding rather soft.

I turn off the shower. I don't feel awkward with Del, but it gets me sad. I miss him a lot, and it hurts not to have him.

No more words are said after that.

Del lets me leave. I appreciate that.

He is not pushing me like I thought he would at first. He doesn't push me to get back together with him—he has just given me space.

I dry myself off with my towel before I step into my sweatpants and pull on a hoodie. I leave the bathroom and discard my towel and robe in my room before I go into the kitchen to eat something.

I'm starving but afraid of throwing up again, so I need something light for my stomach. So that's why I go for the basic scrambled eggs and toast to fix my hangover. Nothing is better than scrambled eggs when feeling like absolute trash.

When it's done I sit at the counter and take small bites.

Oli comes into the kitchen at one point, but he is quiet. We look at each other. I immediately notice how he's in the same state as me. I'm not sure if he was at the same party as me, but he definitely partied.

"There are still some scrambles eggs left in the pan on the stove. I made too much." I softly say.

"Thanks." He mutters and makes himself a plate. I watch him move through the kitchen before he sits next to me.

I quietly continue eating my meal.

When I'm finished, I reach to take a kiwi from the fruit bowl. I need some vitamins. Maybe that'll get me to feel a bit better. I slice it in half before getting a spoon and start eating.

"So, what were you up to last night?" Oli asks me.

I groan, "I don't even want to tell you. It was embarrassing how drunk I was. I even smoked, like that's so unlike me. We should talk about your night instead."

"Hm, it wasn't that fun. Nessa and I went to a club with some people, but we got into a fight, so it was a bit of a bummer."

"Oh shit, you two okay?"

"Yeah, she wasn't happy that I got that drunk, and some girls tried to come onto me. Nothing happened with them, but she got irritated with me for talking to them. I get her, though. So I'm going over there later to apologize."

I give him a small smile, "that's good. I hope she isn't too upset."

"Oh no, we have small fights all the time. It's what keeps our relationship going. At least I know she cares. Some might call her behavior jealous, but it's a bit comforting knowing she cares. Anyways enough about me, how are things between you and Del? Have you spoken or anything? I can't handle seeing you this sad all the time."

"Yeah, um... he brought me home last night before I did something I'd regret. I wasn't in the best environment. I would've done something stupid. I didn't even know he was at the party, but he sacrificed his night for me, even holding my hair when I had to throw up."

"Really? He went out last night? When we asked him to come he declined, saying he wasn't in the mood. I assumed he was sulking in his room all night."

"Oh, I didn't know that. But yeah—Del was there and helped me. I was very thankful he was there to help me, but it reminded me of how I missed him."

"There is nothing wrong with that. You had a messy breakup, yeah. Del betrayed your trust. That is never okay, but you shouldn't feel bad for missing him. You love him, don't you?"

Love.

Yeah, I had fallen in love with him over the past months. I just never told him.

He never told me he loved me either. I'm not sure if he loves me, but if not—I know he has strong feelings. I'm happy he didn't say it. That would make his lies even hurt more. I want him to say it when there are no secrets between us, a clear conscience.

❆

It isn't until later that day that I hear knocking on the door. It's just a little before dinner time, but it's already dark outside.

Nobody but me is home.

Everyone had texted in the group chat that they were going out when I suggested cooking together.

I put on slippers before I leave my room and get to the door.

I pull the door open just to be met by his broad chest. I look up, noticing his beautiful defined eyebrows.

"Hey," he says. I look at him thoughtfully. What would his excuse be to be here now, "I—I um...I baked."

"And?" I ask, still confused.

"I baked for you—" There is a pause, "I wanted to do something for you, so I baked. I know you've wanted me to bake since you found out I used to do it all the time. So I—I thought you'd like it."

He is nervous.

So, damn nervous—he hasn't been this nervous before.

"So, what did you bake?"

"Oh, I made a quiche. I was hoping you hadn't eaten dinner yet. Also, I made pastries for dessert."

He made dinner for me.

"What if I've already eaten?"

I watch as his face falls. It almost makes my heart break if it wasn't already broken.

"Oh, sorry. That's okay... I should've assumed you had. It's my fault rea—"

"I haven't eaten. Just wanted to see what you would say." I cut off his rambling.

I felt bad.

"Oh, okay."

"So where is it?" I ask him.

"Where's what?"

"The food, of course. That's what you're here for, isn't it?"

"Oh shit yeah. Sorry. It's at my place. I wasn't sure if you'd be down, so I thought it'd be best to let it cool off in my kitchen. It's still in the oven."

"Let's go to your place then. Lead the way." I say and gesture to the hallway.

I don't bother putting on better clothes. It's only Del I'm seeing. There is no need to impress him when he's the one who got some work to do.

I quietly walk behind him as he leads the way to his place. It takes less than a minute to get to his front door. He opens the door and walks inside.

I follow him into the kitchen—it's clean here. He must've cleaned the place before asking me to come over because it's never this tidy. There is also no one in here, usually, someone gaming on the couch as they put up a big tv and a PlayStation in the corner.

He probably asked them to stay away.

Something else I notice is the smell of food—it fills my nostrils. It smells so good.

I wasn't that hungry before, but I certainly am now.

Del pulls out one of the stools and gestures for me to sit behind the counter. I take a seat and observe him as he goes to work in the kitchen. I watch him open the oven, he ducks away when a vapor of heat comes out.

I smile at his clumsiness.

He puts on his oven gloves and takes out his quiche. It looks delicious, and the smell is even better. He puts it on a plate and takes out a knife so he can cut me a piece.

"How much do you want?" He asks.

"Oh, just cut me a piece. I'll take more if I'm still hungry."

He does as I say and puts a generous piece on a plate for me. He cuts a piece for himself and walks around the counter to take a seat next to me.

I take my first bite, and since the smoke is still coming out, I blow on it first. I practically moan when I taste it. "Hmm, this is so fucking good you need to give me the recipe."

"I can make it for you if you want me to. It's no problem." He says hesitantly. He is trying to see where I'm at with my head.

"If it's not too much of a problem, I'd love that." I smile at him.

He smiles back before both of us turn back to our food.

We quietly eat next to each other. I also don't know what to talk about with him now.

He seems to be struggling for words too. It feels like a first date with someone whom you have nothing in common with—except this is my ex-boyfriend.

What do you say to your ex; when he is obviously trying to win me back? I mean he made dinner, for fucks sake.

"Are you coming back to the team soon?" He turns to me again, "because if me being there stops you from going, it shouldn't. I won't bother you if you don't want to speak to me again after today. The team really likes you, so you should go back for them, and you can ignore my presence."

I didn't expect him to bring hockey up.

"Oh, no, I'm not quitting because of you... well, I did skip because of you. But I'm not going to quit. I just needed some time."

"Okay," he swallows, "good."

Silence again.

This is my opportunity to ask him questions and address the elephant in the room. Except my mind is blank. What else is there to ask, he already told me why he did it. It was because of his selfish desires.

"So why Chase?"

"Hmm?" He asks while having a mouthful.

"Um... why did you name yourself Chase?"

"Oh, well... my last name is Chambers. I took some letters from there. In elementary school, I used to go by Chase. Kids were saying Del wasn't a real name and started calling me Jelly Delly. And since I wanted them to stop teasing me, I had to be creative with my last name."

"Kids are cruel," I sigh. I didn't experience bullying myself before Tamara became my friend, but I saw it happening to other kids.

"Yeah, so that's it basically. Things got better in junior high."

I nod and go back to my dinner. I reach over to the quiche and cut another chunk for myself.

It's so good I can't stop eating.

"Anything else you want to ask me about the Chase thing? Because you can, you know."

I want to ask him things, but I mostly want to forget about them.

"Did you tell anyone about us, about what I said in the shower? About what I said or what we did?" I decided to ask one last thing, the most important.

"No, no, I never told your secrets. I kept everything to myself. I didn't want to betray your trust like that, even if you didn't know who I was. In the beginning, before I found out it was you, I did tell Leo I was talking to a girl in the shower, but when I found out who you were, I never told him it was you. It's why he kept warning you about me. He thought I was not committed to you."

That makes a lot of sense. All the times Leo told me to be careful, I should've seen that as a red flag but never did because I trusted him blindly.

"Okay, I believe you." I breathe out, "I don't have anything else to ask. I just wondered. I mostly want to move on from it."

"Do you... do you think you can um... maybe see a future with me?" He carefully asks.

"Honestly, Del," I say, thoughtful. I build up the suspense a bit, "I didn't think I could ever forgive you after I just found out. You had betrayed my trust, and that's the worst thing you could do to me. But then, I kept reflecting, and I haven't been completely faithful to you in our relationship. I started developing feelings for Chase, whether we stopped the teasing and flirting, or not. It was just spending time with you and mostly singing with you that made me swoon. I recognized the feelings and didn't distance myself from you even though it wasn't fair to my boyfriend.

"So I should be asking for your forgiveness too. We have both done toxic things in this relationship, driven by lust and obsession. I did the same as my ex-boyfriend did to me—I emotionally cheated, except I never admitted it to you, and he did."

"Kiya, you have nothing to apologize for to me. It was all me."

He goes to interrupt me, but I hold my hand up for him to stop.

"No, I do. Because I did something that in another scenario had broken my heart—I could've easily broken yours like that only this thing isn't as black and white. So I do think we can move on from this together. I mostly want to forget this all happened. There is a reason why I connected with both of you. It's just that I get pulled to you in whichever situation. I felt like both of you were my soulmates, and I didn't understand how it was possible that I felt this connection with two different people until it all made sense. I don't want to waste that."

He looks at me with hopeful eyes, a look of disbelief as well.

"So yes. I think I can see a future with you." I finally say and reach out to put my hand over his.

// 

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