"Hello?" I scream through the air vent in the shower.

It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure it's Chase. How do I know, you might ask, I don't, but it's beside the point. Otherwise, I will be having a nice conversation with one of his roommates.

"Nightingale?" I hear back.

It's him.

A smile forms on my face, and my heart starts to beat a little faster. I feel a pang of guilt for getting this excited talking to another guy—considering I made Del orgasm just ten minutes ago.

But this thing between Chase and i is innocent, mostly at least. No, we have a mutual agreement this thing isn't going anywhere past platonic.

"It's me," I'm certain that he can hear the smile in my voice, "how are you?"

"Oh, I'm fucking incredible, my little nightingale. How are things for you?"

I lean against the shower wall escaping the falling water for a little; it only hits my shins and feet.

Like always, I feel like I can open up with Chase—more than I can with Del. I know that sounds very bad, considering Del is my boyfriend. But it's easier to confide in Chase since I don't actually see him.

People watching me makes me uncomfortable, especially when I have something to get off my chest. The intensive eye contact only makes it more intimidating to let out all my feelings. It makes me feel judged.

I've always been obsessed with what people think of me. I always want to make a good impression. And well, if I dump all my shit on Del, I feel like I'm bothering him, or maybe he'd think something different of me.

I know he wouldn't be like that. But it's just my brain that doesn't understand that. It gives me anxiety every time.

I have an anxious need to be liked by people, which is only achievable when I'm perfect.

I need to be perfect in his eyes.

Talking to Chase; it's like confessing in church. Except I've never in my life been to church. I know that stuff from the movies.

He doesn't see me.

He doesn't know me.

He can't connect the things I'm telling him to a face.

If I ever were to cross him on the street, he wouldn't know. His mind wouldn't be clouded by all things wrong with me. He would not have a preserved opinion about me.

Chase might not know it, but I will never allow us to meet. I've taken my walls down for him, but they need to stay up to the real world.

This shower feels like a sacred place to spill my insecurities and fears.

"Well, things have been all over the place. I'm so happy to talk to you now." I hope he can hear how genuine I am.

"Is everything okay?"

Are things ever just okay? That's a rather demanding question. If you look at my life from the outside right now, things are looking great. However, the internal struggles I still face every day can pull me back from thoroughly enjoying it.

"Well, um, things have been great, but some bad things have happened. I know I shouldn't be putting all my drama on you, but I just—I don't really know who else to talk to."

He is silent for a few moments.

"You want to share it with me, though?"

His deep voice echoes through the ventilator vent. I wonder what his voice sounds like without being reverberated by the bathroom. Would he be this amazing singer?

"Yeah, I've never admitted it out loud before, but I consider you my safe place. I can trust you because you don't know who I am. In a way, it feels like therapy but different. You're more than a therapist. You're my..." I pause, searching for the right word. He is more than an acquaintance. I might not know his real identity, but we're so close. I can confide in him, and I wouldn't do that with anyone else, "...friend."

"Ouch, darling. Did you just friendzone me? After that incredible moment, we had in the shower some weeks ago. Thought I was more than your sprinkling fling." He says rather seriously, referring to the time we went a little too far. I open my mouth to speak, but Chase continues, "I'm kidding. I know it's not like that, but your current man needs to look out. I'll snatch you away from him."

"If it doesn't work out, I know you'll be first in line. But that guy is now my boyfriend, and things are looking pretty bright." I sigh.

"That doesn't sound very convincing. Did he do something wrong?" Chase sounds calm.

Except for confronting Tamara, he didn't do anything wrong.

"Well, he kind of invited me to thanksgiving at his parents' place."

"Kind of? What does that mean, he subtly mentioned it?"

"No, like he invited me to go. I said yes to him. I do want to go, I think. But it also comes with all these fears. Going to New York, meeting his parents, and sleeping in his childhood bed. I feel like I'm intruding in his personal life; I don't feel like I have deserved to see that part of him yet. It is all going so fast.

"If he invited you, do you think he feels that way? Obviously, he wants you there. You don't think it was a pity invite because you don't have any plans for Thanksgiving?"

"No, we never discussed our plans, so he wouldn't even go. I think he assumes I would've gone to my mom. Which I wouldn't have, but I never told him."

"I think you're too into your head about this. The guy must like you if he wants you to meet his parents."

"You're right. But as you might've noticed by now, I have a lot of insecurities."

"Yeah, what's that about? You sound like such a cool person. In my eyes, you have nothing to be insecure about. I know those words might sound meaningless, but I genuinely think you are amazing, you're a beautiful soul, and I don't think you could hurt a soul. Plus, I can tell you're gorgeous by your voice alone, darling."

His words pull at my heartstrings. He makes my knees go weak when he tells me things like this.

"It gets me mad that someone made you feel small and insecure."

I decide to slide down the wall and sit against it. I go quiet for a while, and so does Chase. I don't know how to comment on his last statement.

The water hits me fully now that I'm sitting down. I'm getting drenched.

It reminds me of when I was a young kid. I used to go out into our garden when it was pouring outside. I snuck out of the house—not telling my parents because they would tell me no and say I'd get pneumonia—I'd walk through the grass of my garden and sit down in the middle of it. Letting myself get encased by the rain.

It gave me a feeling of freedom. I continued doing it for years, but for different reasons. When my friendship with Tamara had reached a point where she had become a menace to me, I'd go to escape my life. I could pour my emotions out in the rain. It felt like the universe was crying with me.

Now here in the shower, I'm missing the feel of grass on my fingertips.

"Chase?"

"Yes, nightingale?"

"Can we please sing a song together, and then I want to tell you a little more."

"What kind of song?" He asks.

He doesn't sound surprised about me wanting to tell him more. Obviously, I was holding back more than just my boyfriend inviting me to his parents' Thanksgiving.

"Something uplifting—but bittersweet at the same time."

"Got it! You must like this song."

I can hear some noise from the other side of the wall. Chase must be getting his phone from outside the shower. Another moment passes before I hear, "Come on, Harry, we wanna say goodnight to you!"

I quickly stand back up.

Did Chase just put on Harry Styles?

Before I can ask about it, he says, "Don't think I didn't hear you play One Direction the first time in the shower." I can hear him laugh audibly as the intro of the song plays.

"I love Harry!" I scream back before the song starts.

We are both ready to scream the lyrics at the top of our lungs.

Holdin' me back
Gravity's holdin' me back
I want you to hold out the palm of your hand
Why don't we leave it at that?
Nothin' to say
When everything gets in the way
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I'm the one who will stay, oh-oh-oh

I hadn't expected Chase to put on this song. It's relatively new. Also, it's a top 40 hit—I didn't think he would listen to that kind of music. The song perfectly matches what I asked for, though. Uplifting but bittersweet.

I can relate to the song as well. I feel the sorrow. It reflects back to the past and the loneliness I felt back then. I'm sure the song has a different meaning for everyone; it's just how you interpret it. But for me, it feels like breaking out of an unhealthy cycle.

"In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us

Being here in the shower singing with Chase, it feels like we are the only two people alive—it's just us in this world.

The chorus flows out so easily, just like the rest of the song. Waterdrops simultaneously fall on both of us from different showerheads. We have our heads turned to the vent to sing to the other.

Chase lets me take control of the bridge. The bridge is simply the best part of the song. I sing it from the heart, and when it ends, I know Chase and I are dancing to the music as the cheerful bells join the beat.

"Go home, get ahead, light-speed internet
I don't wanna talk about the way that it was
Leave America, two kids follow her
I don't wanna talk about who's doin' it first"

I'm not so confused about Chase picking this song for us anymore. It is not your typical pop song. It has some elements from the '80s, which I'm sure he highly appreciates.

He joins in ago for the end.

"As it was
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was"

I smile brightly. I wish Chase could see how big my smile is right now, so he would know how content I feel after singing with him.

He shuts off the music, and the only sound to be heard again is the streaming water. I focus on the feeling of the scolding hot water on my back. I put the temperature a little higher today, hoping it would take some of the stress and tension of the muscles on my back.

"So..." Chase starts, "...you had something more to say. Now, you don't have to, if you changed your mind about talking. But know I'm all ears if you still want it off your chest."

"I do want to tell you," I say with determination.

"Thank you for trusting me enough."

You're not hard to trust, I think to myself.

"Well, um...let's start with a couple of weeks ago, I ran into my ex-boyfriend." I don't want to start by saying I ran into Tamara because explaining that situation would take most of my time. "I hadn't seen him since we had broken up, and I don't know seeing him brought it all back up again."

"What happened?"

"He didn't want to do the long-distance anymore and had found someone else he connected with." I scoff.

It doesn't sting as much anymore. Maybe seeing Bodie again made me realize I'm over him.

"I never asked him if he had cheated, so I don't know about the physical part, but mentally he cheated."

"You know people always worry about their partner cheating, but they always only think of cheating on a physical aspect. But to have your partner fall for someone else—brings even more damage. So I can't even imagine how you felt after that."

This is exactly why Chase is such a great person. He always says the right thing.

"Yeah. So you can imagine the shock that went through me when I saw my ex again, without any preparation. I froze momentarily and felt that pain again. It brought me back to all those sleepless nights I had spent crying because I was not enough for him."

Reminiscing like this makes me tear up a little. I'm not sure if any tears are falling because of all the water surrounding me.

"I didn't encounter him for long. I couldn't even manage to utter as much as a word to him. My boyfriend stepped in before he could say a lot. But he was trying to apologize for how things went, and I think he wanted me back? He also touched my arm, but it felt so foreign. It didn't want to feel his touch anymore.

As awful as it was for me mentally to see him again. Nevertheless, it gave me some closure.

"I'm happy you got over it." He says with a soft tone.

If this was a normal situation, I know he would say those words softly to me, but I wouldn't be able to hear that.

I take a deep breath. I feel myself getting overwhelmed, and that is not a good sign.

"Chase, I have more to say, but it's all getting a bit too much."

"That's alright. I'm getting a bit pruney in the shower myself as well. We can meet up later if you want?"

"Uhm... I—I..."

"In the shower, of course," he quickly adds after me starting to stutter.

"Yes, yes, that's perfect," I say swiftly. "But wait, before you go, can you tell me something about you. I feel like I am always the one talking, but I never give you space to tell me things about you."

"Well, what do you want to know?"

"Tell me something about music—that's what brings us together. The other day you were listening to Charles Aznavour. Where does that come from."

"Well, I used to listen to a lot of french music with my uncle. He had lived in France for a big part of his life, also in the french-speaking part of Belgium, so he pretty much was fluent in French. When I was younger, I visited him once every two years in France, without my parents. I loved spending time with him. He would teach me some french words and sentences, mostly through songs. I always had an amazing time with him; it sometimes felt like he was my dad, more than my own father. That's pretty fucked up to say, while it's true. I only saw my uncle a few times a year when he was back in the States, but still, I had a closer relationship with him than my dad."

He sounds thoughtful. I assume he is thinking back to those times.

"I'm getting off-topic...well, that is where Charles Aznavour comes from. I might not have been listening to a french song that day, but I know him through his french music. I mostly know the old classic french music. My uncle used to be a sucker for that. He was an old soul even smoking old cigars over cigarettes."

I smile at that. Chase speaks very passionate and admiring about his uncle.

"You still see him often?"

"He um...he died three years ago, right before I got into college. I last saw him at my graduation. At my party, my uncle said I was a real man now. He gave me one of his cigars and gifted me—he..." he trails off, not able to say it, I can feel some pain, "sorry, I'm getting emotional about it all. Anyways, he told me that the legal age in France is 18, so I could drink beer and smoke with him. I remember breathing in the smoke of the cigar. It made me cough so hard afterward—that shit was brutal."

"Your uncle sounded like a nice man."

"Yeah, he really was...I miss him."

I feel him getting lost in his thoughts. It was not my intention to make him sad.

"We should do more French songs, you know. You can teach me," I say with a smile.

"Yeah, we really should." he seems to gather himself again, "how about we meet tomorrow around 8 am?"

Hockey practice isn't in the morning that day, so I should be free, absolutely perfect.

"Yes, perfect I'm free then."

"See you, my nightingale."

//

I'm back!! Took some time but I moved countries, so I'm not living in England anymore. I have more time now again, however, I'm flying to Greece in a few hours for a week so I will be busy enjoying a much-needed vacation.