Still looking deeply into his eyes as I'm sitting on his lap. We're both hot for the other, very much aroused. I know we both want each other. Craving to be closer.
"Do you want to take this any further?" He breathes out.
Fuck. I'm feeling nervous again. Suddenly there is much pressure for the answer I'm about to give. I start to shift in Del's lap. Why couldn't we just stay close and keep kissing forever? I've just managed to break my first wall down to kiss him, but actual sexual things?
I'm too awkward for this.
"I—" No more words come out of my mouth.
I don't know. Do I want to try anything?
What does he mean with any further—touching, oral, sex, which one?—it could mean so many different things. The level of intimacy on each is distinct on all of them. But am I ready to touch the first level of intimacy?
Isn't kissing already intimate enough?
I appreciate him at least asking—some would dive right in, without consent—but I don't know how to answer him.
He seems to notice my lack of knowing how to answer. He starts to rub my sides to calm me down a little as he searches my eyes to see where my mind is at, right this moment. He always is my little mindreader.
"It's okay if you're not ready. I wouldn't want you to regret anything later. We've only just started hanging out." He assures me.
I hate to admit it, but I was a little scared to be rejected if I didn't do anything sexual with him.
"It's just that it takes a lot of trust on both parts to go any further. I am not used to any of this. I want to try something soon, but I don't think I am ready for it now." I answer honestly.
It's true. I've been craving him. But to actually get to the action itself might be a bit much for me.
"That's okay. There is no pressure on us. We can do things at your pace. That is totally fine." He looks me deeply in the eyes, "but I feel like I should ask, have you done anything before. If not, it's fine, but it feels kinda important to know."
I don't remember if I ever mentioned Bodie to him. I feel like I did, or maybe that was with Chase.
"Yes, I have. My uh..." Fuck, this is awkward to bring up, "...ex-boyfriend. He is the only person I've been with."
"Oh, okay... cool."
Cool?
For some reason, he seems disappointed? But also like he had expected it? There is no surprise in his voice. I don't know what to call his emotion.
Had he hoped I hadn't been with anyone else before? God, I hope he is not one of those cavemen that like to claim women by being there first. Or maybe he is jealous?
I wish I could tell what he is thinking. If only I had the ability he always seems to have when I'm overthinking things—he can always read my mind, but why can't I just read his?
He places both hands on my cheeks, softly stroking them as he inspects me. He then leans in, pecking my lips one more time. His softness brings me comfort. It almost makes all the nerves that have erupted minutes ago disappear.
The pressure to do more with him disappears. I know he doesn't mind. He has given me reassurance with his eyes. His character is not someone to hold it against me.
This man is making me fall hard and fast for him with all I have. There is no holding back on it anymore. I am free-falling.
He looks at me and then leans forward to press a chaste kiss on my lips.
"Come here. Just let me hold you for a bit." He says and pulls me into his body.
He holds me firmly, squeezing me tightly. I like it.
He gives bear hugs; he doesn't make me feel fragile. His arms tighten and loosen on my back, clutching me.
It's a powerful embrace.
He kisses my temple. The soft brush of his lips against my skin feels heavenly. It makes me envision how his lips would feel all over my body. Something highly anticipated—however, I'm not ready for that.
It feels like he never wants to let me go. I do feel the same. I could fall asleep on him in this position.
My eyes feel heavy. I'm tired. I haven't had much time to rest, the midterms are coming up, so I've been busy studying the last two days and will need to continue to do so the next few weeks.
On top of that, I still need to attend my classes and the hockey practices. So, all in all, I've been working non-stop.
I close my eyes and sigh, relishing the feeling of his warm chest against the side of my face—his comfortable hard chest.
One of his hands has moved to my hair and is now softly stroking it. It is as if he wants me to fall asleep on his chest.
Exhaustion is hitting me out of nowhere.
I'm barely fighting sleep anymore now. It is as if I've taken narcotics—something is knocking me out. I want to give in and just let go, even if it is just for a few minutes.
I am trying to focus on the feel of his fingers on my scalp as he starts massaging the skin. I think I unconsciously hum on the feeling. I'm hardly aware of the fact of Del sliding down slowly, bringing us into a horizontal position. I scarcely feel the duvet thrown over our bodies, bringing us some extra warmth.
I doze off into a deep sleep, lying on his chest.
❆
I wake up due to a source of sunlight shining on my face. I groan softly and try to roll over, but that isn't as easy as it might seem. Something is holding me back, heavy on my waist.
I slowly open my eyes and take in my surroundings. The problem is I don't recognize any of it. When I lift my head slightly and turn it, I come face-to-face with Del's sleeping face.
Did we fall asleep? Fuck.
I turn to look at his alarm clock placed on his bedside table. 9:07 am. I'm still on time, thank god. However I will need to leave soon, my class starts at 11. I will need to get ready for that.
I admire his sleeping face. His features look very soft; there is no frown or crease to be noticed. His lips are naturally plump, and his eyebrows are amazingly thick. I swear this man got the best brows. I'm so jealous.
A few of his hairs have fallen in front of his forehead. I need to refrain from reaching out and brushing them away.
Okay, time to get up.
I don't feel the need to run from him, but I still need to get out of bed.
Carefully I try to reach down and lift his arm off of me. When I try to, his arms wrap tighter around me.
How can he be comfortable in this position? I'm laying with my entire body weight on him. My neck is sore from this position that we slept in for the whole night.
I can't believe I managed to fall asleep like this. I spent the entire night in his arms. I feel good about it.
Before I even notice what I am doing, my fingers brush away the hairs that had fallen onto his forehead. The temptation had been too much.
His eyelids flutter from my touch, and I fear he is waking up soon. I wish he could stay in his peaceful state for a little longer where I could just stare at him.
When his arms wrap tighter around me, his body starts to shift beneath me. I know he is waking up, much to my dismay. Slowly his eyes open, looking at me through his eyelashes.
He has got beautiful eyelashes as well. I want to trade with him.
The corners of his mouth turn up as he looks at me. He appears so pure. I don't think I've seen a man as beautiful as him before.
"Good morning," He says with a deep morning voice.
My insides quiver at how sexy his raspy voice is.
"Morning," I hum back.
"We fell asleep hm. I must be comfortable for you to fall asleep on me."
"Very comfortable." I agree. "but I need to go soon. I have class at 11 and still need to shower and everything before that."
"Yeah, okay. I'll walk you home." He says and unwraps his arms from me.
I lift off of him and climb off the bed.
"You know you don't have to walk me home? I live literally in the hallway next to you."
"Yeah, that might be, but that is not a reason for me not to walk you home. Plus, I want to."
I don't pretest anymore. If he wants to take me home, then he can.
I locate my shoes that I had taken off before we climbed into his bed.
Once I have them on, we can exit Del's room. We leave his place and walk over to mine.
Within a minute, we're standing in front of my door. If I had counted my steps, it would probably be around fifty.
I unlock the door and turn back to Del.
"Thanks for dinner. I'll see you later, alright." I say and wave him goodbye.
Before I can step over the threshold, I feel his hand on my arm pulling me back. I spin around, being met by him standing very close to me.
"I think you're forgetting something," he whispers due to the proximity of our faces.
"What?" I just can't help but ask. But I have a high suspicion of what he is about to do.
"This," he says ever so lowly and presses his lips against mine.
It's a simple peck only lasting a few seconds, but I still revel in it.
"Now you can go, ice baby." He says and turns around to walk back to his place.
I am still stunned as he turns to the corner, but when I lose sight of him, I quickly go inside and close the door behind me.
Once inside, I slowly gather my stuff and walk into the bathroom. It's still silent when I arrive—I am not suspecting Chase—however, right before I can get into the cabin, I hear the water on the other side of the wall turn on.
My hopes spark up that it might be him.
I've missed talking to him.
When no music appears on the other side, I lose my hopes a little bit. I step into the shower cabin, ready to let myself get encased by the water. However, right before the water can hit me, a melody sounds through the air vent.
It's She by Charles Aznavour. I wonder if he also listens to french music or if this is an exception. Maybe he only likes this because it is in English. Personally, I enjoy French classics. It helps me escape reality and move into a different era—everything was better in the past, the good old days.
"She may be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay"
He didn't seem taken back when he heard my voice. It only made him sing louder as if he had been waiting for me to join in.
I love the chemistry between us.
"She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day"
I wonder why he chose to sing this song today. Does it have a meaning to him—does he have a 'she'?
I push the thoughts away. It shouldn't concern me. I can't be jealous of other females in his life. Not when I have Del now, whom I like very much.
I continue to sing the lyrics of the song. For now, I need to focus on singing. After the song, I can bring up the topic of Del and me. Because, after last night, things between him and me are pretty solid. We kissed more, we slept in bed together, and then he kissed me goodbye.
"She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
And so the song is coming to an end already. It's a short but beautiful song. He keeps managing to surprise me; we've had so many different genres of music now. I wonder if he has a favorite.
"She, she
Oh, she"
This song was just perfect.
"My nightingale, you're back," Chase says, shutting his music off.
"I am back. We haven't spoken in too long now. I missed you." I smile even though I can't see him.
I missed him. Being here is a reminder of how much I love spending time with him—it hits harder.
"I missed you too. I haven't had such a good duet in a long time." He sounds happy, happier than before. "So what have you been up to lately. We haven't showered together for like a week."
I love how he words it, showered together, it sounds like something, but it has an exhaustively different meaning. We just sing together in the shower, and that is it—apart from that one time where things got a little heated.
"Well, that is what I've wanted to bring up." I start. So far, so good. I'm not nervous. I actually feel fine. "This other guy I've been talking about, we kissed. Multiple times now."
"Oh wow. That's impressive, so you made some progress. That's good." He doesn't sound the slightest bit jealous. It sounds very genuine.
Had I wanted him to react differently? Maybe I had expected a bit more of a reaction from him.
"Yeah? I didn't expect you to be happy about that." I just speak up my thoughts.
"Of course, I'm happy for you. When I told you to figure things out—I meant it. It would be selfish of me not to be happy."
"I know, I just... sorry. I thought you would be disappointed since you were waiting for me."
I'm acting too self-absorbed.
"I'm still waiting for you, that doesn't change, but I want you to enjoy this thing for now. I think it is good for you. So how is this guy? Is it like you expected?"
I like that he is supportive. I would've thought talking about Del would hurt him, but his benign personality has proven me wrong. He is too kind.
"I truly like him. We've kissed for the first time this weekend and then yesterday again."
"Just kissing?"
"He suggested for us to take it a step further, but I didn't feel comfortable enough yet. I genuinely want to, but you know my problems. I need to fully process the fact that we kissed—multiple times—first before I can go further than this. I hope we can soon. It just needs to click in my mind first. I'm pretty sure I can trust him."
I'm being careful by not mentioning his name. If I do that, I basically give myself away, and I don't want to make my identity known yet. But right now, most of the school knows who I am; they spotted me kissing the most popular jock of the school at a house party.
Rumors here travel faster than light.
As if I've entered an episode of Gossip Girl and have suddenly taken on the identity of Blair. Everyone talks about me now; it makes me feel more anxious. I still have a deep hatred for being the center of attention.
"Well, my little nightingale, I know you can. I believe in you. If there is anything else, you can always talk to me, you know. I'm here if you have a problem."
He touches my heart. It means a lot that he is here for me. It is still unfamiliar territory for me, even though I have real friends. I know I can trust him with my problems, perhaps more than my friends. He wouldn't run his mouth; even better, he couldn't if he wanted to. He doesn't know who I am.
"I appreciate you—more than you think. I don't want to lose this."
"Is this your way of telling me you already love me?" He teases.
"Oh, stop it, you fool." I laugh sillily at him, "but I will need to go now. I have a class to go to soon. Talk to you soon, hopefully."
I hope I will talk to him soon. This week not talking has been too long. So much has happened during this week. I only have time to touch the surface of things.
I need more time with him. I need to discuss more. I need to hear his voice—more.
"Alright. Catch you later, darling."
//
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